there are times...

There are times, I just wanna go out and dance in the middle of the crowds. There are times, I just wanna go and scream my lungs out. There are times; I just wanna hop like a bunny in the middle of the street. There are times, I just wanna sing out loud though I’m tone deaf in the karaoke bar. Then there are times, I just wanna sit and cry…alone. There are times I just wanna disappear into thin air. There are times; I just don’t know what I want, and where I’m heading to. But most of the times, I’m just lost.

Received a message from a dear puzzle piece that says, “Miss talking to you. Miss the “walk-home” sessions with you. Miss a good crying moment with you. I miss you.” It really made my day in a very melancholic yet blissful way.

Sometimes I wonder, what would it be like if life is like a musical? Where the whole world sing with you be it when you’re sad or happy, troubled or horny. And all you’re problems are just a matter of a song. Sing your song loud enough and the whole world will hear you, and that can affect the weather, people around you will dance to the melody or at least, it could help you to cry those rivers out. What ever you feel like is projected in back ground music. And the best part is, to cheer you up is just a matter of singing “my favourite things”, “a spoon full of sugar”, “suatu hari nanti”…or any other song that gives you joyful melody or hope.

I realise that if life is like the musicals like The sound of Music, or Phantom of the opera, or Rubiah the Musical, or Puteri Gunung Ledang the Musical, it would be a very very very very noisy world, and that you can’t have a decent good night sleep. But it would be nice though if, only if we live like in the musicals. Sometimes I silently hope…

enough said.

the list of people that I miss...

I'm in my room at 4am , melayan my ex-roomate andy, can someone pass me a gun so that i could shoot my head right now!!! Me and Kush dan tak larat nak layan dia. Andy saw my blog and told us to start to pujuk him cause he wants to start merajuk with us. seriously, can someone get me a gun?!!

actually i want to make a list of the people that i miss. so i decided not to layan andy for the next 5 minutes. andy ikut suka you kalau you nak merajuk. inilah dia bahana berkawan dengan "adik-adik" baru nak menjadi... word of advise, avoid any friends of your that have the symptoms of becoming a "adik-adik"...seriously....

Aiman's Long List of People He Misses:

My late atuk, and nenek in Beserah Kuantan (may they rest in peace).
My ibu
My 4 Munchkins in the Munchkinland (Halimatun, Atiqah, Rawaidah, Insyirah)
Adam (I'm so proud of him... my little brother is gonna be a pilot!!)
Syuhada (happy birthday!! awak dah tua)
Fieza (I miss u so much my heart ache....sob sob...seriously it hurts)
Khair ( I miss Bullying you.... though you have Zul to bully you nowadays....)
E'en (the boring Californian.... i know you still cant get over the fact that i DID show up for your open house)
Din ( heard you got the job in MAS... congrats bro!!)
Leman ( god knows when are you gonna come to Melaka again)
Yasseer ( sorry I missed your wedding)
Abu ( you cant expect me not to miss you after living together for 9 bloody years)
Kume ( God knows wherever you are...)
Kakak ( the very buncit pregnant lady)
Juwita ( we have to lepak!! )
Aiman ( happy birthday bro!)
Onie ( miss your sleep-talking)
Mimin ( gedik)
Yan (same as above...kidding.hehehehehe)
Diela (hehehe...what can i say, Melaka is haven for people who wants to escape from CyberJaya)
Sara ( sara, sara, sara.... I miss u a lot... a lot....)
Zahirah ( i know Syuhada and Adam wont approve this...)
Nik ( Redzal Aswad )
Nik (Hafiz Fathi )
Wok Ley ( when am i gonna hear you on the radio???)
Apiece gogo ( miss the times we watched friends while eating nasi CD)
As ( me and kakak miss u)
Salwana (bought your postcards!!)
Siti (happy birthday tomorrow!!)
Ariep (i know you had fun with me that day!! hehehe)
Pak John ( i MISS you!!!!)
Atah ( my-tudung-wearing-but-not-so-good-girl-best-friend... she's evil)
Kak Ujie ( me need you... me need you... she's my ibu duit....)
Abg Ali ( i dont know what to say...i just miss u....)
Waq ( the most chaotic midget ever!!!)
Shrek ( i miss your sometimes-i-couldnt-understand-but-still-makes-me-laugh jokes)
Eve (duduk je Melaka, jumpa kemain susah)
Reefa ( love of my life!! hahahaha... miss u la weih....)
Siong ( welcome back bro, sorry cant find the time to lepak yet.)
Simon ( the straight but very kepoh chinese guy.. hahaha)
Shing Li (bile la nak balik...)
Shing Wei (sama la ni..tak reti nak balik Malysia)
Wendy (went to your house, but you weren't home that day)

and the list goes on.....

oh yes....
Shopping (I miss you the most....)

enough said.

i'm.......................lost. again?

Subhanallah, praise the lord!! After so long, all of the sudden the urge of writing a new entry automatically took control of my fingers and brains. I’ve miss blogging, I’ve miss pouring out all of my nonsense in my dark yet colourful page. I’ve miss my Ha-ha-happy land, I’ve miss…. I’ve missed a lot of things… a lot…

Sometimes, it’s a wonder hoe you could survive after stop seeing, or taking, or drinking something that is an essential need to you. Yea, maybe along the separation period, you tried something else that you think would and could substitute the things you’ve missed, but hell!!! It’s sure ain’t the same!! And when you think that you are getting over it, and bam!! You are back to square one…

enough said.

my blogthings test...

gave kak ujie a called just now, got to talk about a lot of things with her...man, that lady.... i just LOVE her!!! she always attacks you with mentally challenging questions... m still digesting the things she asked me just now... need a few days before i can write it down...

so, i did these few test on blogthings while digesting the informations... and these are some of the results i got...

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 100%

Greed: 80%

Wrath: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Pride: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 20%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 54%

You'll die of a yet to be discovered STD.

How Sinful Are You?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to. You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Private Dick

What's Your Porn Star Name?

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm" You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone... Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-) You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear. Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing. The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person. Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life. You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face. Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

enough said

the drop out kids...

For the last two days, I was stuck in Kem Putra- Putri Alor Gajah, In Taboh naming, Alor Gajah for the Literature and Culture Module, which is a part of the National Service program. The worst part was not it was in Alor Gajah, but the kids this time most of them are school drop outs, some of them didn’t even go to high school. The Chinese can’t understand any other languages other than mandarin. The only thing in malay thet they know is their name in Bahasa Melayu, some even nama sendiri spell salah. This is the 1st time me teaching this kids, seriously they really suck the life out of you. It was exhausting. Really, really, really exhausting.

There’s this girl in my class, a Chinese girl, she was very pretty, but she drop out from school by standard 3 and now she’s working as a GRO in one of the clubs in JB. I pity her, she stop school because her dad was an abusive drunk and the mom had to raise her and her siblings. 2 orang lagi budak perempuan habis sekolah darjah 6, lepas tu terus tak sekolah dah. Sekarang ni kerja kat salon. Dalam class tu, Cuma ada 3 orang je yang habis sekolah sampai form 5, and all 3 of them are Malay, and yes there’s this one Indian girl, Rageswary, she finish her high school as well. And she was nice, very nice.

Yang lain-lain dalam kelas tu rata-rata dah kerja, ada kerja kilang, kerja bawak lori, kerja bengkel motor, kereta. ada yang kerja jadi Along( tak tau lah along ke macai along ke, tapi not really something that you would wanna do for the rest of your life…) ada yang kerja GRO, kerja salon…macam-macam… I asked them what they will do after this, all of them replied in more or lest the same answer. “kerja la balik cikgu, nak buat apa lagi, nak belajar, sekolah pun tak habis.” “carik kerja kot, saya spm amik sastera, itu pun kantoi, tengok la, JB banyak kerja sikit. Kalau dapat Poli saya pergi la,itu pun kalau dapat, rasanya memang tak dapat (laugh).” And that laugh really struck me… “tak tau la cikgu, saya ikut abang saya jadi along ma, carik orang kutip hutang. Malam-malam pergi minum, nanti cukup duit saya ingat mau jadi tokey kedai lor…” “saya habis ni balik la kelang, kerja kat kilang balik, sini diorang bagi 300 je,baik saya duduk luar, kerja. Pastu tunggu la orang ajak kahwin.”

On the last day we did a short sketch, and won 1st prize. A little hamper. But they were really happy. The joy was like winning a 10,000 dollar prize. My lead actor, the Chinese boy was really good, though he didn’t want to participate in anything in the 1st place, but by the evening of the 1st day, he volunteered himself to play the cacat boy. He was so happy. Before I left last night, he and the other girl who left school when she was standard 3 came to me and said, “ cikgu, terima kasih. Orang tak pernah cakap elok-elok sama saya. Bapak saya selalu marah, saya punya abang tak balik rumah. cikgu macam abang, suka bagi saya ketawa.” “ cikgu, saya tak pernah menang apa-apa tau, saya sekolah cikgu tak suka sama saya, itu pasal saya tak pergi sekolah. Cikgu suka gelak-gelak sama kami. Saya suka lor… mula saya tak mau ikut sebab pikir nanti cikgu tak suka sama saya. Nanti cikgu datang JB kita pergi yam cha.”

I came back with tears in my eyes, and smile on my face. It was very bad of me to hate to go there and teach them in the 1st place. But in the end, I felt like I wanted to be there longer so that I can just be with them. They were fun, a lot of fun. Though they are drop outs, they’re good kids. They’re not problematic, they’re just misunderstood and were not given any chance… they were left out…alone.

enough said.

it's not route 66...

I really want to write something in my blog, because that is what I usually do, especially in times like this; in times when I am at the verge of going through a living hell. But every time, I want to start, it just got all messed up and misty and black… nothing but total blackness…. Dark, cold, silence….very, very dark….very, very cold…. Very, very messed up…..and did I mention dark? I know if any one of my good girlfriends are here with me, especially if khair is here in melaka with me she would definitely wants me to share the story, to share the emotions, because according to her, that would make me feel better. If fieza is here, she would have me tied to a chair with a whip in her hand and force me to shed those tears out…

But what would a whole library of words be any good if it won’t help you to make things different, what would 7 seas of tears be any help if it won’t make you feel good… they would be very, very pissed kalau diorang baca ni…hehehehehe…but what good does it make? Does it turn the wound into an ecstasy? Would it turn the bloods into wine? Does it end your nightmare with a happy ending? but then again, I can't blame them for being persistent to help, from fieza I qoute...

"u know wat they say..people come and go..but friends like THESE people..they come, but they just dont know when to go..hehehehe.."

This is a time where sparing the journey through hell by writing isn’t going to be enough… maybe it is time for me to go through hell and enjoy the scenery, be it good or bad… who knows, a journey through hell could be a fun one. I always wanted to know how and what does it look like going through hell… maybe it’s high time for me to feed that curiosity of mine…after all, pictures of Eden can be a view for sore eyes sometimes… so watch out world, the coldest bastard the world has ever know is about to have his first breakdown!!!!

One last thing before I stop, I have gotten back my other personalities (yeay!!!)… I thought I’ve lost them, apparently their just in there preparing for this breakdown… so thoughtful of them. Me and my spilt personalities…and our little journey through living hell…I say, that’s gonna be an epic.

P/s: e’en, don’t you come to melaka with parang to paksa me. Cause me won’t budge an inch…

enough said.

my perfect relationship

In life, all good things will come to an end, or something that seems to be the end of it. The perfect relationship I had with my PC has come to its end; she’s no longer the perfect “girl” who entertains me with her lullabies, her story telling with the moving pictures. She doesn’t perform as well as she use to and on top of that, I can’t turn her on whenever I want to like I used to. I’ve lost the touch of my magic finger that would turn her on in a jiffy. Instead of saying “not tonight saying” or I’m tired la saying” she took the stand of not saying anything at all and doesn’t respond to my touch. So, I had to send her to kaduk, perhaps all we need right now is a little break, a holiday perhaps, and maybe, after a good few hours with kaduk, or perhaps a few days, she’ll come around and realise that she needs me like I need her. I miss my PC… I’m so gonna buy her new gadgets when she’s fine… she’s gonna love it…… I know I would.

I miss the other part of me, it's so boring living as a single personality person... it's so normal... I miss the multiple personality disorder part of me...they were fun...

Enough said.

the countdown begins...

As usual, I had the most difficult time looking for words to start my crappy ole blog. Few more days to my birthday… another year older, but none the wiser… man how time flies…looking back, I went through a lot in a year time. Even though rasa macam kejab je, tapi banyak jugak la yang aku tempuh…cool….

I’ve done “Bukan Bunuh Diri” for the first time. 3 years younger than the actual Adam. It wasn’t very shabby… it was kind of ok…can’t say that was the best, but at least I gave my best and now I know where can I improve the character. And hopefully I can stage this play again before or on my 25th birthday…hehehehehehe….so to those who missed the play, don’t worry, Adam will come back, definitely better and more mature…and more ikhlas…

“ Dalam mimpimu itu kata mu, kita berpisah setelah sama-sama berlakun dalam sebuah pementasan drama. Selepas perpisahan itu, rupa-rupanya katamu, kau tidak dapat melupaiku dan terus merinduiku beberapa tahun, hingga suatu hari kau menjadi ratu dunia dan dengan tiba-tiba mendapat untuk pergi ke sebuah pulau.Di mana disitu, seorang seniman agung sedang membuat penyelidikan mengenai manusia. Kata mu lagi,kau kenal seniman agung itu ialah aku, tapi kau tidak percaya yang aku masih mengigatimu. Menurut mimpimu itu katamu, pada waktu itu aku menjadi seorang seniman yang digilai oleh perempuan-perempuan. Mendapat undangan untuk pergi ke pulauku adalah satu penghormatan besar bagi seorang perempuan. Cuma kau merasa sedikit benci dengan sifatku yang sewaktu itu semacam sifat seorang seniman playboy. Walaubagaimanapun, dengan rasa serbah kau datang juga ke villa ku yang amat besar dan indah itu, dan kau dibawa ke sebuah kamar yang amat memeranjatkan. Kerana hiasan kamar itu benar-benar menyerupai setting drama yang kita lakunkan dahulu. Disitu aku menunggumu, dan disitu aku memanggil namamu mengikut nama watak yang kau lakunkan dahulu. Aku bisikkan ke telingamu, “Aku mencintaimu”. Mendengar itu katamu, kau merasa cukup bahagia dan dalam kebahagian itu kau tiba-tiba terjaga dari mimpi. Mimpi yang tidak mempuanyai apa-apa erti!! ”

“ Sudah terlewat dewi, sudah terlewat. Sudah terlalu lewat sehingga kelewatan itu telah menyebabkan sedikit erti hidup yang pernah kau berikan pada aku dulu sugah kehilangan erti!”

“ Kelewatan itu bukan sahaja telah membunuh sedikit erti hidup yang pernah kau berikan pada aku dulu.malah ia telah membunuh segala erti yang ada dalam dunia ini. Dewi,katakan, katakan apa ada padamu maka kau bisa akan beri aku pengertian hidup? Apa ada padamu?

“Aku tidak tahu! Aku tidak tahu gembira.aku tidak tahu duka. Aku tidak tahu apa-apa. Apa yang aku tahu pun dah jadi tak tahu. Dunia dah jadi Absurd. Atau sememangnya absurd sejak dulu? Hingga tahu dan tidak tahu tidak dapat dibezakan lagi. Benar dan tidak benar tidak pernah dipersetujui sejak dulu lagi. Aku tak tahu apa yang cari sekarang. Perjuangan manusia tidak pernah memberi erti. Semuanya hanya untuk mengisi kekosongan dan kekosongan tetap tinggal kosong. Tidak pernah terisi.”

“ Tuhan tidak sezalim itu, tuhan adil. Pengasih. Penyayang. Tuhan cipta semua ini kerana dia cinta. Kerana dia sayang pada semua.”

“ Tuhan yang ciptakan segalanya. Kalau dia tak cinta buat apa dia cipta?”
-Adam, Bukan Bunuh Diri-

Alhamdulillah, segala puji bagi Dia. Mungkin ada hikmah yang menyebabkan aku pentaskan Bukan Bunuh Diri sebelum masanya. Maybe He has a bigger plan yang aku sendiri tak nampak. Maybe, that after staging Bukan Bunuh Diri for the 1st time, I learned that it’s not easy, nothing is. It’s not easy to understand Adam, it’s not easy to do anything good, but when you finally overcome all the obstacles, the joy, the satisfaction, the new things you’ve discovered, hanya Allah yang tahu.

Alhamdulillah, after Bukan Bunuh Diri, I was reassured that He is Maha Adil, and Maha Kaya, and that He will never abandon you, never ever. Mungkin jauh perjalanan yang ranjaunya berliku dan berduri, a journey that sucks the very life out of your soul, perjalanan yang pedih, sakit, penat… but He will, never ever, never ever abandon you alone. He may not be there physically but he’s there. He’s there as your pillar of strength, pillar of belief; when everything else around you fails you.

Alhamdulillah, after coming to 22 years, He has never once failed me, in any way. Though more often than not, I am the one who fails Him.

So thank you…

Enough said.

happy birthday...

hari ni 11 hb 5 tahun 2006, semalam birthday sam, 7 hari sebelum tu (o3.o5.o6) birthday gem, 5 hari lepas hari ni, (16.o5.06) birthday ain, dua hari lepas tu pulak birhtday khair. genap sepuluh hari lepas birthday khair, ada satu tarikh best (28.o5.o6) Happy Birthday To Me!!!! and Ah jie... dua hari lepas tu, e'en pulak jadi 22 tahun... 3 hari lepas tu, (o7.o6.o6) abu pulak...tapi masa tu rasanya dia dah nak g cyber... cukup seminggu lepas tu dear darling nixx...

alhamdulillah, in between aku lama tak update blog ni a lot...and i mean it..a loooooooot had happen. some good,some bad, but overall, it's been a wild ride... i so wanna update about bukan bunuh diri, but the stuff i wrote is at home, and right now m at sam's place... hmmm...nanti la...lambat sikit baru update...

i miss fieza alot...lama gile tak jumpa dia...

insyaallah, i'll be staging Sangkar Madu The Musical soon!!! yeay!!!

i miss blogging....

enough said.

importance of having a friend...

Syuhada and Adam gave me a surprise visit today even though they know that deep inside I actually hate surprises (got some very bad experiences with surprises that in the end lead me but to hate any kind of surprises), having said that, I really appreciate what they did… love them for doing things that made me feel good even though in a way I kind of hate things that surprises me. Their surprise visit made me think of the importance of being a friend and what actually makes a friend, a friend.

Alhamdulillah, all my life, I’ve been surrounded by fantastic, fabulous people (though once in a while I came a cross some shitheads, but overall, I’m grateful that Allah loves me and that He always send these wonderful individuals to walk into my life…). Syuhada, Adam, Kush, Kaduk, Ain, Sam, Atah, Abu, Mali, Gem, Zahirah, Khair,Fieza, Juwita, E’en, Deen, Yasseer, Diela, Zafrul, kakak, Abg Ali, Sara, Lina, ya Allah…too many to be list down… I always believe that a friend is a way of Allah sending the message “I Love You, I may not be there physically, but I send this people to you to make you feel loved. And remember, I will always be there even when the people I send to you aren’t there to be with you. You will always be love.” Having this mind setting of believing that each friend is a god-send to me, I try my best to treat them the best that I could…but have I? That’s another question I have to ask my self (and maybe write it down later).

Each friend brings a piece of joy yang Allah taala courierkan along, when they step into our lives, and by right we should be grateful about each and every one of our friends, maybe sometimes, along the way, kita terlupa the reason of kenapa Allah taala kenalkan sahabat itu kepada kita, more often than not, it slip through our head that we aren’t suppose to stab our friends from their back, we aren’t suppose to be fake in front of our friends, and it is our utmost duty to always try to be honest with our friends. Yes, undeniably, that sometimes, we don’t see eyes to eyes with our friends, but that is not a reason for us to tarik muka and gaduh, there’s always time for diplomacy, especially with friends… kiss and make up… friendship should never end… they are god-send to us…

Mungkin sesetengah orang doesn’t believe in everlasting and honest friendship, that’s why perhaps diorang selalu bermuka-muka and tikam dari belakang, (maybe) because they don’t believe that Allah loves them, and that Allah has never been fair to them… maybe some of us has come across these type of people, and please if you’ve just realise that there are some of you friends who are like this, please don’t get angry, please remind your self that these people are emotionally handicap and that it is our duty to help these people to understand the concept and the importance of being a friend.

To my dear dear dearest friends, wherever you are, I would like to apologise if I ever been insensitive (which I believe is most of the time), cant be there to lend my shoulder for you to cry on, and that most of the times, I cant keep myself to always be in touch with you. I apologise for my bad behaviour that you have and had to endure with, my crankiness, my bitchiness, my sometimes-emotionally-immature behaviour et cetera. Hanya Allah yang mampu membalas segala, and I mean it, segala semua memories, jasa you people to me. Insyaallah, I will always pray that Allah sentiasa memberi kamu kesenangan dan kemudahan.

To atah, sam, kush, kaduk, ain,mali, gem, abu, syuhada, adam, khair, fieza, e’en, din, yasseer, diela, juwita, firdaus, firdauz, zahirah, sara, lina, kerwin, Ah Siong, simon, arghh…too many to mention, and you guys that I did not mention your name but you know that you are important to me, thank you…. Thank you…. Thank you…

And before I stop I just want to share a quotation I got from a dear dear dear friend of mine, “idea adalah ilham,ilham adalah hidayah….” (s.abu) hehehehehehe…. See, and you still don’t believe that friends are god-send?!!!

Enough said.

"Bukan Bunuh Diri"

1.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…memang bunuh diri, nak pecah kepala..kalau dia tak pecah sendiri, lepas ni aku nak pecahkan kepala sendiri…

2.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…kadang-kadang memang raca macam bukan bunuh diri, tapi nak bunuh orang lain…

3.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…takde banyak bezanye ngan cerita lain, dari jabatan nye yang takde rase nak menolong, walhal kewujudan Jabatan Kebudayaan Kesenian dan Warisan motifnye untuk membangunkan teater, dan lain-lain cabang seni…pesanan penaja kepada pihak jabatan, lain kali kalau malas nak buat kerja letak je jawatan tu, bagi kat orang lain yang nak tolong bangunkan seni…

4.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… seperti biasa orang sentiasa lekehkan sebab cerita melayu…tambah-tambah lagi bila yang nak buat tu student…lagilah orang pandang rendah…

5.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… nasib baik Uncle Yalal ade nak tolong, kalau tak dah lama mati terkangkang…

6.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… apa lah nasib lepas ni….

7.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… dah la, lepas ni malas dah nak buat apa-apa cerita dah, biar lepas ni takde dah project, senang sikit hidup, tak pening kepala, tak sakit hati.

8.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…last-last bile dah habis project ni sekor-sekor duduk sampai bodoh, lepas tu mesti gatal nak buat project lain lagi even though barru tadi cakap lepas ni tak nak buat teater dah…

9.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… harap-harap la teater ni boleh jadi hit…kalau nak challenge khalid salleh tu memang dalam mimpi je….tapi insyaallah, cuba la sebaik mungkin!!!!

10.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… terima kasih bayak-banyak mali…

11.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…tolonglah datang ramai-ramai, kalau kengkawan sendiri tak support, orang lain lagi laaaaaaaa tak nak support…

12.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… akan dipentaskan di Taman Budaya Ayer Keroh Melaka, 28-29 April 2006, 8.30 malam…

13.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…doakan lah kitorang berjaya…. Insyallah…

Enough said.

notes..notes..notes..

Seriously got a lot of things to say, but my brain is not in a very stable state… few notes of what had happen:

1. Yesterday, 1st march was Kush’s birthday… Happy Birthday dude!!! Me love you, you’re the best roomie ever, the best brother ever, best pal ever, best advisor ever, ur the bestest of the bestest!!!

2. Puteri Gunung Ledang the Musical is fantastically superbly out-of-this-worldly splendid… Tiara looked so young and poses such a lovely singing voice, I love her dance, Stephen is such a “Hunk” Tuah, his talents are way bigger than his biceps, and anyone would fall in love with him instantly. Yalal and Sukania are just superbly good, (the two characters that I love most in that play) the lighting, the music, the set…flawless… kudos to Zahim and the gang!!

3.Uncle Yalal’s mother passed away today, we attended her funeral. (Al-fatihah) Met uncle Shuib at the funeral, miss him though, he’s like a father to me, and he took good care of me when I was in Kulim.

4.Lepak with Syuhada and Adam, and Waq…man…it’s been a while since I last lepak with Syuhada, and Adam, how time flies…

5.Have to start memorizing “Bukan Bunuh Diri” …again…. (tu yang buat pening tu)

6.Glad that we decided not to join the Bangsawan…muahahahahahahahahahaha(evil laugh)

7.I miss my mom, halimatun, atiqah, rawaidah and baby syirah… khair, fieza (sorry that aku tak dapat jumpa ko lagi since your grandfather passed away…really I’m soooo sorry) e’en, diela, sara, leman, pak john, kume, nik, deen, zahirah, yasseer, kakak, my atuk, nenek, astot, wana, siti, kak ujie dan sangat ramai lagi….

8.Now I feel like crying, (man…m turning into such a pussy boy…*sigh)

9.Owh yes… I’m am so horny that I might enter the second phase of my unstable mental degree BITCHY MODE… and if I don’t get any action soon, I’ll be subconsciously enter to the 3rd phase SUPER-BITCHY-BICTH MODE…

Semoga Allah taala sentiasa mencucuri rahmat ke atas kita semua…

Enough said.

drama, drama, drama

It’s been a while since I last post an entry; life has been very very very busy. I only got to spend very little quality time in front of my beloved PC. She has been like the best girlfriend ever. Never question where have I been, why am I back so late, have I been seeing anyone else behind her back; the usual nagging questions girls always ask. She’s been the loyal girlfriend, always entertains me with her long list of songs, completes the entire task I have her to do (though sometimes it took her quite a while to complete it), and can always be turn on when ever I need her, which is always (isn’t it neat!!! No more “not tonight sayang” or “I’m tired la sayang”); the best and perfect relationship so far.

Enough about my perfect relationship, been keeping a lot of steam inside me this few days. And it’s about time for me to let it out to my virtual punching bag --- my blog. I was involved in a quarrel with Pengarah Jabatan Kebudayaan, Kesenian, dan Warisan Negeri Melaka few days back. It is because I went to her with the intention of staging this very wonderful play; “Sangkar Madu” by Bahtiar Siagian , an Indonesian writer. The story is about a young couple that fled to an island so that they would live there and cherish the love they have for each other without being interrupt by others. Swastika, the male character that brought Nesia (the female character) destroyed the boat that brought them there so that Nesia couldn’t flee from the island. He proclaimed and name the island “Pulau Cinta” --- daerah yang menyerahkan segenap kebebasan, dimana cinta menggenap dan menyala sepuasnya. Disini musim semi sepanjang tahun dan kenkmatan tidak berbahagi. They lived there happily until one day, Nesia found a young man, stranded on the very same island. Swastika wanted to kill him; for fear that Nesia’s love would change. “aku tidak mahu cinta mu berbahagi Nesia.kalau dia sempat menikmati kecantikan mu , bukan tak mungkin dia tergoda. Tak kau sadari, air mencipta lumut, kenal menghantar sayang.” Being convinced by Nesia that her whole love, body and soul are only for him, he decided not to kill the man, but he stab the man’s eyes and left him blind.

When the blind man come to conscious, Nesia ask him, what had happen to him and how did he got swept to the island. The blind man told her that he lived in a fishermen’s village, but the fishermen in his village couldn’t go to the sea to work, due to the strong current and wave’s and that everyone in his village is starting to starve. All the men who dare to go to the sea never came back. And it is told by the bomoh in his village that the ghost of the sea demands a sacrifice to be made and this man volunteered to be the sacrificed. Nesia was puzzled by this and said that the blind man was doing a crazy thing, but the blind man replied,

“apa yang gila dalam kerjaan ku ini? Dek kerana pengorbanan ku ini, si atuk dapat bergurau dengan cucunya, si ayah dapat menimang-nimang bayinya, si suami bercumbu di ambang pintu, yang muda menyusun seribu janji. Bagiku, kau yang gila, kerana memburu cinta yang tak mau berbagi”

“kau tidak meyintai dirimu sendiri?”

“terlalu cinta dan itulah tempat bertolak. Aku ingin hidup abadi dalam hati mereka yang hidup atas pengorbananku”

“seaneh itu cintamu? Aneh, tetapi agung. Sungguh terlalu agung pengertian cintamu buta”

Having heard that, Nesia started to rethink about the real definition of love, because all her life, she felt that her love for swastika was big enough to cover the whole world; but the blind man’s love was even greater than theirs. She stared to fall for the blind man, not because the blind man woos her, but because of his heart and his meaning of love. Till one day, swastika discovered that Nesia is having feelings for the blind man, and out of anger and jealousy, he kills the poor blind man. Realising that Nesia is in love with the dead blind man, he then kills Nesia. In the end, swastika realised that he taken the wrong move, he went crazy and kills himself.

This “Sangkar Madu” maybe a very cliché story, but the plot, the characters, the words are very powerful. I fell in love with this play few years back, when I went to watch the play in “Pekan Teater”. When I got my hands on the script, I wanted to stage the play back, but with some adjustments, here and there to strengthen up the play and make it in a semi-musical version so that it would attracts audience. But THE Pengarah Jabatan Kebudayaan doesn’t approve my proposal, because she said that the writer is from Indonesia, and that Malaysia viewers are more attracted to watch a ha-ha happy play that would make them laugh their ass off and go home not thinking about it. I was very pissed off when I heard that, she not only insulted our viewer’s mentality but also trying to kill our needs to be creative and menyekat kebebasan untuk berkarya. I said to her because orang melayu terlalu malas berfikirlah yang menyebabkan orang melayu jadi bodoh. She was taken a back before she countered and said “ macam ni banyak penulis kat Malaysia, kenapa aiman tak pilih cerita diorang? Kalau aiman jadi penulis, aiman tak kecik hati ke kalau orang tak angkat cerita aiman, lepas tu angkat cerita orang lain, dari indon pulak tu?” that really pisses me off, ikut suka hati mak aku la aku nak buat cerita apa!!! Aku tak kacau hati mak ko pun!!!!!! I replied, “kalau saya penulis, buat apa saya nak kecik hati? Kalau sebab benda macam tu saya nak kecik hati, baik saya jangan jadi penulis. Sebab setahu saya, seorang penulis akan terus menulis walaupun tak ada orang yang angkat cerita dia. Sebab nawaitu dia nak menulis bukannya menunjuk pada orang yang dia boleh menulis.” When she heard that she came out with the lamest excuse ever by saying that the ministry will not approve the script and advised, no, not advise, told me to look for another “local” script. No offence to the local write, but I am a very fussy person, tak ramai penulis yang betul-betul dapat impress aku, contoh local writer that have a place in my heart, arwah Bidin Subari a.k.a Malina Manja, Arwah Usman Awang, Pak samad, Dinsman, and Ismail Kassan. Not to say that local writers are not good, they are good, but I don’t want to do their script I want to do this one!!! Is that too hard to digest???!!!

Kalau “Dewan Persidangan” karya asal Mahkamah Keadilan by the late Taufiq Al-hakim from Egypt, “Tanah Bernanah” adaptation from a Philippine script, and “Malam Jahanam” from an Indonesian writer boleh Kementrian approve what is wrong with this one? Is it because yang propose tu budak MMU, so that Jabatan tak nak forwardkan pada kementerian? Seriously, I couldn’t understand her reasons, it’s not that I don’t want to understand, but I just couldn’t understand, why is it this script could be approved by her?

I am determine to do this script by any means, call me stubborn, kepala batu, or what ever, I will try to find a way to stage this script and show it to the whole community that there are bigger definitions of love that we are not aware of. I have my reasons to stage this play. Because the text and subtext of the play is very rich, and I believe that I can make a different by staging this play, kalau aku tak mampu mengubah persepsi semua orang, at least aku berjaya mengubah persepsi mereka yang dekat pada aku, termasuk diri aku sendiri.

I hope that I will find the strength and the fund I need to stage this meaningful play. Please pray for my success, insyaallah…

For what is man,
What has he got?
If not himself,
Then he has not,
To say the things he truly feels,
And not the words,
Of one who kneels…

enough said

my concern over kiasuism...

In the world we live in, we can never run from encountering with the lowliest living people, they are what they are not because their family status but because their personality and attitude towards Allah, people around them, and most of all towards themselves. These hypocrites, multi-face, sugar-coated mouths, kiasu are actually can be describe like the puss that feed on the mucus of the fungus that spores on pigs faeces which helps the nature’s deteriorations.

Kiasu a.k.a busybodies: purpose, causes and way of handling them

This article of mine is actually dedicated to no one in particular, but more of a general study on what is the purpose of life of a kiasu, what causes one to be kiasu and finally the way to handle a real life kiasu. Let’s begin with the most frequent asked question; what is the sole purpose of a kiasu? Well from my study and close observation, kiasu’s sole purpose of living of a kiasu is actually to add up spices in other people’s life as well as making their life seems worth living. This is because they have no purpose of living, how can they have a meaningful purpose when they are very busy pretending in front of everyone, and that includes Allah and themselves? Their sole purpose is to be close to one person and make up stories or collecting dirty secrets about them in the most utterly way the spread it to the world as if they have no dirty laundries in their own closet. They’ll try to take everything form your hand one way or another and try to make sure that you’ll drop dead and never rise again so that they will feel better about themselves. How pathetic is that. I really sincerely pity them for that.

Usually kiasu exist due to their inability of accepting their weaknesses, they can’t accept the fact that there are actually people out there that are better than them. They prefer to live in their own build-up fantasy denial state, and that every encounter with people who are more talented, with better prospect of future or dating or fucking better people than they would actually make them feel threaten. They will never try to improve themselves but will always try to manipulate and finally crush the lives of other. Some times, bad childhood experience or the inability of their family accepting what they are and wanting more form them would also lead them to develop this kiasuism. They are pathetic, lowlife beings that are always looking for ways so that people can accept them. The saddest part of it, they only know how to impressed people with their knowledge of other people dirty secrets. They will never accept their inadequacies even though if they behave well enough, or try another approach towards life, people would actually be glad to befriend them, and finally be honest with them.

Tips for people out there who are encountering these lowlife beings, please don’t hate them or shoo them out of your life, have pity on them. They are unlike us; they are actually severe mentally handicap people. Try to befriend them, make them understand that accepting one’s self-inadequacies is actually not a bad thing. Provide them the love they need so that they don’t feel like a pathetic lowlife smug (even though in reality, they are pathetic lowlife smug). Help them to appreciate the sound of the blue birds sing, the wonderful colours of rainbow, and the warm sunshine. And finally help them to understand the concept of nawaitu, kaedah, aqidah and jujur ikhlas in life. Don’t hate them, cause it is just going to cause more destruction, not to ourselves, but to them. We have to understand that these kiasu actually also caused by their self-destructing behaviour, due to their lack of love on themselves, even though they will never admit that they actually hate themselves to the guts. (How can they admit that, they live in denial remember?)

It may seem that it is an impossible thing to help a kiasu to change, but we have to be optimistic, and always remember the crucial concept of nawaitu, kaedah, aqidah and jujur ikhlas. Always remember even though they are the lowliest lowlife beings there are on earth, there are always room for them to change, and hopefully when they does, the world would become a better place for all of us to live in, together, in harmony.

Enough said.

u dont know what i did last weekend....

The trip back to KL was very refreshing. It gave me the chance of reflecting myself; catch up with an old friend (rarely got the chance to do that since I’m like forever stuck in melaka doing Allah knows what), got a few reading materials, bla bla bla…it was fun, it was refreshing, it was mind opening, was short but nice.

Went down to help mali’s mom with her newly operational canteen in Bandar Tun Razak secondary school. It was weird to be in school again, even though it was not my school. To see the kids running around the school, to see the school jocks walking around the canteen with every other kids look them with awe, wishing that it would be them walking and everyone else looking at them with that nature. To see the school dweebs hanging out with other nerdy kids (sorry, no offence to the ex-nerdy in school), and also having to watch some high school romance going around. Not to forget, the anxiety and heart thumping experience of the form one students facing their 1st day of high school. It made me miss my school, the dreading 5 years of love-hate relationship all of us had while we were in school. How irony it is to recall how much I wish to be out from that dreaded school faster than I can say “kill me now” and now, as I am no more in that period, I wish I can just turn back time so that I can stay there just a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer.

We went to see kak ujie (the psychotic kak ujie…hehehehehe…despite her psychotic ness we still adore and love her), it’s been a while since I last saw her. She got herself a new haircut and she quit her job (after listening to her story, we agree with her on her decision quitting her job). She told us that she’s going crazy with her current situation, but we know it not going to happen. Well, she is among the small number of really strong people that I personally know. We talked for hours, catching up from where we left to gossiping about some other people to soul searching motivational talk. She’s one hell of a woman. We talked about graphic arts, to writings, to theatre, to filming…and all the other arts shit.

When we were talking about penulisan, we were discussing about this one writer/director (I wont be mentioning the name) and how his/her way of writings can be harmful to the society. At one point I do agree with her, that perhaps his/her writings and films boleh membahayakan the future society’s mentality dari segi kemungkinan yang the next generation akan mula menghalalkan apa yang haram. But then again, if we see from yet another perspective, other than his/her own personal dogma and motives, his/her works can actually teach us to love one another, enough about cinta antara ahmad dan aminah, we can actually see a bigger picture of the love concept. Not limited to ahmad and aminah’s love but bigger. And perhaps, with that, there will be no more racial doubts, wars and every other catastrophe cause by lack understanding of the whole concept of love.

Ok. Mungkin that person ada motives and dogma tersendiri untuk disebarkan, but then again, which writer yang menulis without any motivation and ideology? I was thought that every piece of arts be it painting, writing, dances, acting ada terselit kalau tak banyak, sikit “dakwah” yang nak disampaikan oleh pelakunya. And I strongly belief that the society is pandai (I use the word pandai cause I cant find the word inbetween wise and intelligent) enough to know which is good “dakwah”for then and which is not.

While we were discussing about that, it came out that a best friend of mine, by pen name of AKMA, announced to us that he is planning to stop doing what he is doing now by the age of 30++ because he feels that the whole “art world/society” lebih banyak buruk dari baiknya. Kak ujie smiled when she heard that and she gave him a piece of advice that really attracts my attention. She said, “ kenapa nak berhenti menulis? If u have the talent for it and your motivation is right, kenapa perlu berhenti berkarya?” she also said, (and I believe) that talent itu adalah kurniaan Allah taala and that if we ignore that talent, it would be consider as an act of tidak bersyukur. Bukan semua orang dianugerahkan Allah taala bakat untuk seni, or at least sadar yang mereka ada bakat untuk seni. Jadi apalah salahnya untuk mengunakan bakat yang ada itu untuk membuat kerjaan yang baik? And it doesn’t mean that kita perlu menghambakan diri sepenuhya untuk jalan itu and not doing anything else. You can still berkarya while you are having a steady job.

She mention about orang seni ada obligation yang lebih besar dari orang-orang lain, for example, an accountant ada obligation pada tuhannya, keluarganya, and also pada societynya by doing his work with honesty. But untuk orang seni, obligationnya bukan sahaja untuk tuhannya, dan keluarganya so that they are well feed, and cloth over their bodies and have a roof over their head, but also to give the society a bimbingan so they would be a better society di mata Allah taala. Pokoknya ikhlas. I like her analogy of ikhlas; she said, katakanlah aiman takde duit nak makan, and kak ujie pun duit cukup-cukup je untuk lepas makan tapi sebab kesiankan dekat aiman kak ujie pun bagilah 50 henggit, and kak ujie pesan, “aiman, duit ni kak ujie bagi just untuk aiman makan” and aiman agree on that. Tetiba esoknya, mali call kak ujie bagitau yang aiman used the 50 henggit yang kak ujie bagi tu untuk beli shabu and pot. Kak ujie tak boleh nak marah, sebab niat kak ujie in the 1st place bagi aiman duit is for you to go and makan, but u decided to use that money to go and buy drugs. Kalau u feel that u cant bear the consequences of your action of bagi duit tu, jangan bagi from the 1st place. Sebab Allah lihat and test niat sebenar kak ujie masa bagi duit tu, and bukan after that, the action after that is your ujian. The same thing applies to him, kak ujie said. Jangan risau pasal orang salah intepritasi karya awak, kalau niat dari mula tu untuk Allah taala. He has His way of making sure others understand the good “dakwah” you’re trying to spread. And I sincerely hope that, that dear friend of mine AKMA, will not go on with his intention of stop writing and producing after the age of 30++, because I sincerely believe that you have the god-given talent to write and produce other than the fact that you are among the creative brains that I’ve ever meet. I’m not saying this because you are among my closes, in fact my best buddies, but because I’ve seen your work and I judge it from a stranger’s point of view.

Enough crapping, I am very tired and I really need a rest. So insyaallah, kalau ada masa and benda lagi, I’ll go on writing in this blog page of mine. Be it ada ke tak ada ke orang nak baca..hehehehehehe….

Enough said.

a piece of my mind...

entah lah, there's been a lot of things to be think of lately, and i couldn't just put it into words, and been very buntu. sampai tak tahu macam mana nak luahkan...did 2 shows on christmas day and the day after, "Dewan persidangan"...nothing much to say about that play, except it was just ok. abang zaini was here for the show, he did the lightings...miss him and kak ujie a lot, was glad to see and lepak with him for a few days. was very refreshing. other than that nothing really exciting about this week...

well, during this week i came to think about why do i love acting? why do i love the whole idea of arts it self? why am i obses about this dogma of spreading the bohemian ideology of arts and love? entah la, aku sendiri tak jumpa jawapan dia lagi. uncle yalal told me about the 4 principles of arts, Nawaitu, Aqidah, Kaedah, and Jujur Ikhlas. kalau bermula dengan nawaitu yang betul, dan aqidah yang betul, and do it in the right way, plus kau jujur ikhlas dalam mengerjakan perkara itu, insyaallah...everything will go fine, and you'll leave an impact on someone, kalau tak orang lain, at least to yourself.

kak ujie selalu cakap, arts as a whole, can be a form of dakwah, be it in any way. because dakwah tidak semestinya disebarkan di masjid semata. betapa luasnya bumi Allah taala, and you can just preach at almost everywhere, and at any time. some one wise told me once that, one way of showing that you love Him, is by dakwah, be it big or small, as long nawaitu untuk berdakwah...insyaallah...

uncle yalal also brought up the issue of memahami keseluruhan konsep kecintaan itu. he said, that kadang-kadang manusia lupa yang konsep cinta itu sebenarnya sangat luas and besar. itu is not just limited to boys and girls love, tetapi konsep itu dah makin dilupakan oleh kita. in one way, we only obses aout the love inbetween me and you and nothing else. where as konsep cinta pada tuhan itu sebenarnya lebih besar, lebih sacred.

kita rindu pada dia tapi tidak pada Dia. kita tak berani nak menipu pada dia tetapi tidak pada Dia. kita tak pernah lupa pada dia tapi selalu lupa pada Dia. kita terlalu asyik pada dia tetapi tidak pada Dia. betapa mudah terpesongnya manusia itu...terlalu mudah lalainya kita ini...

seorang manusia yang cintakn tuhannya melebihi segalanya selalunya manusia yang beruntung, they will always be a better person than anyone else...but once cintanya terpesong, that can change the whole course of one's life...especially in arts, orang lainakan dapat detact kalau cintaartist itu dah lari dari konsep cinta yang sepatutnya... i dont want to mention any names,,,i think everyone can figure that out by themselves...

i went through fieza's blog recently...and i read her notice about having to write her last entry in her blogs...i support u all the way sayang, but there's one thing that i couldnt quite agree...fieza dear...you can never put out the past, it's a part of you...whether u hate it..it is still apart of you...i know it wasn't pretty as we want it to be, tapi itukan ketentuan Allah taala...and i bet if we really lokked back, you will find somethings yang sebenarnya mengajar kita to be a better person that what we were before...kan? but what ever it is, i support you anyway, just as you have been there for me, everytime i needed you...thank you fieza.

to live is a many wonderful things...

enough said

it's been a while

To see the world in a different perspective is not something everyone would chose and would do.
The question is, why would anyone want to see the world in another perspective?
By the end of the day, would seeing things in another point of view really helps us to discover what actually lies beneath the surface?
If seeing things in another perspective doesn’t help us from discovering what actually lies beneath the surface, why try to see things differently?
Perhaps by the end of the day, even if it doesn’t really see what lies beneath the closed doors, it would help us to gain some clue of where are we heading and what we would want to do.
And do it in a different way.

************************************************************************************************

It’s been a while,
Makin lama makin resah,
Makin lama makin rindu,
Makin lama makin kosong,
Makin lama makin bodoh.

It’s been a while,
Mungkin sebab itu rasa tak lengkap,
Mungkin sebab itu rasa tak tenteram,
Mungkin sebab itu rasa gelisah,
Mungkin sebab itu rasa bersalah.

It’s been a while,
Sampai tak tahu berapa jauh dah pergi,
Sampai tak tahu arah yang betul
Sampai tak tahu selama ni kuat mengigau
Sampai tak tahu
Sampai tak tahu

It’s been a while,
Ini lah agaknya balasan dia,
Hidup tak rupa orang,
Mati tak rupa mayat,
Kejab betul kejab tidak,
Kejab gembira kejab tidak,
(Yang tidak tu pulak yang selalu datang )

It’s been a while,
Sampai bila nak terus macam ni,
Lurus tidak,
Bengkok tidak,
Naik tidak, turun tidak,
Berjalan tidak, duduk pun tidak.
It’s been a while,
Sampai terlupa bacaannya,
Nasib baik tak lupa niatnya,

It’s been a while,
Hapak bau sebab lama sangat tinggal,

It’s been a while,
Since the last time aku sujud,
Rasa aman,
Rasa tenang,
Rasa darah mula bergerak,
Terasa ringan,
Rasa senang…

It’s been a while,
Sampai aku sendiri lupa,
Lupa apa rasanya untuk sujud,
Sampai aku sendiri lupa,
Lupa betapa tenangnya dapat sujud,
Lupa betapa tenangnya hanya dengan sujud,
Sujud mengadap dia.

It’s been a while.

enough said

there was a girl...

There was a girl who was her daddy’s little girl, even though she was very much pampered by her father, but he taught her to be an independent girl, so that one day she would be the one leading her baby siblings when he is no longer around. He taught her how play chess so that she would learn to think and analyze the good and bad before she comes to any decision; then he taught her how to play poker, black jack, and other cards game with hopes that she would learn to dare life, for every single move would be a gamble. He was a wise man. With 3 other siblings after her and the smallest being 14, he made manage to raise a very independent and wise young lady. Although her childhood was not all cotton candy and beds of roses, she is glad that her father was always there for her when she needed him. Her life after childhood was pretty much the same as everyone else, happy times and bad times, she had her moments of falling into deep pit of love as well as share her part in bad breakups. She was swept in and out of love, it wasn't much of numbers but worthy to be remembered. A year ago, she met the right guy, and perhaps at the right moment. They hit it off right away, though not really having said where are they going to but they know that they are actually heading toward the same direction.

2 days ago, on the 2nd of September, they’ve exchange their vows as husband and wife, in front of their family, friends and loved ones, though her father wasn’t there, she could feel his spirit’s present. He passed away nearly 2 and half years ago. Having taught to be a strong and independent woman, she tried to hold back her tears, though she wasn’t really good at hiding her emotions, she manages to hold back her tears. She had her lovely wedding reception, though it wasn’t grand, but it was lovely, her family, friends, loved ones, loving husband, and especially her deceased father’s spirit was there, praying for the newly weds eternal happiness. I am very grateful to meet her, be acquaintance, and finally share this sister-brotherly bond with her, for the Rozie Zakariah, will always be an inspiration to me.

With a very weird start, we became close instantly, for me not having a sister, she was always there to give me advices and help that I couldn’t share with anyone else in this whole wide world. We were there for each other, and through her, I know what would it really feels to have a big sister of my own. She is not the nicest person on earth, and her words are harder to endure than snakebite, but there’s wisdom, warmth and sisterly love in all her advises. With her hazel eyes and sweet face, she has her way of making people actually listen to her advises, though it is a well known fact that I always go against her advises and in the end paying my prices. She is among the strongest person I’ve ever known, whenever something came up she would break down and cry but just for a moment, before she actually stood up and face the world and never bitch about it ever again. (Maybe her stubbornness as a Taurus actually took control of her…yes lady and gentlemen; she is one bloody stubborn Taurus.)

May she and abg sham is blessed with happiness as husband and wife, and their days to come is filled with joys and laughter. Congratulation kakak, thank you for being the best big sister one could ever ask for… I really love you.

Bismillahirahmannirahim,
Segala puji bagi Allah, tuhan semesta alam. Maha pemurah lagi Maha penyayang.Yang menguasai di hari pembalasan.Hanya engkau yang kami sembah,dan hanya kepada Engkaulah kami meminta pertolongan. Tunjukilah kami jalan yang lurus. Yaitu Jalan orang-orang yang telah Engkau beri ni'mat kepada mereka; bukan (jalan) mereka yang dimurkai dan bukan (pula jalan) mereka yang sesat.

Ya Allah ya tuhanku,

Dengan rahmatMu yang menikahkan Fatimah binti Muhammad kepada Ali bin Abi Talib dengan berwalikan Muhammad Rasulmu dan bersaksikan Jibrail and sekalian malaikat, Kau berilah mereka berdua hidayahMu, dan berikanlah mereka keimanan yang tebal dalam hati. Jadikanlah mereka berdua pasangan suami isteri yang Kau redhai dan kasihi ya Allah. Kau cucurilah mereka rahmatMu ya Allah, Kau peliharalah kasih saying dan cinta mereka. Kau bukalah pintu rezeki mereka supaya mereka tidak berada dalam kesusahan ya Allah. Kau kurniakanlah mereka zuriat yang baik, supaya satu hari nanti mereka sekeluarga dapat mencari keredhaanMu Ya Allah. Rabbana atina fid-dunia hasanah, was-fil akhirati hasanat wakina azabanar. Was salallahuala saidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wasahbihi wa salam, walhamdulillah hirabbilalamin…. Amin.

Enough said.

real people...

It’s a common thing for us, the “real” people, to look into an add page and says, “aarrr.. I wish I have that life”, we crave for the ideal picture we’ve seen, we fantasies to have that kind of body, face, and feature, even perhaps the family portrayed in the advert. We always have this thing of awing the advert page, and worship the models in it. Be it a happy family campaign advert, underwear advert, even the detergent advertisement would make us feel that the reality we live in is actually a deep dung hole.

Why are we so afraid to actually face the reality, all our lives, we’ve been trying to live under the shades of perfections, it’s never is easy for us to admit that we’ve failed, we prefer other people to see us as if we’ve just walked out from a magazine advert. We want other people to see us like a model, with flawless skins, and just about the right height, and weight.

The thing about model is, they are just too perfect, they have the looks, they walk the walk, and once they are on the runway, they are divine. They can never afford to trip over on a runway, it’s the utmost forbidden thing to do. Unlike us, the “real” people, we can afford to trip over, and we can and we know that we should get up, and continue our walk. For me, this “little” flaw is what makes us human. We learn how to fall, even if it’s an accident, and more important, we learn how to get up, and face the audience, with just about the needed amount of smile hang over our face.

Another phenomena that really attract me is human’s obsession on gambling. I was in Taman Budaya, preparing for a “ Bangsawan ” show the other day when two workers from Taman Budaya (whom actually are friends of mine) started talking about gambling. It goes something like this,

W1: tgk lah man,kalau terang, dapat lah duit,kalau gelap,ngaga je lah…
W2: mcm abg hari tu, dapat lah dalam 20 ribu…tu kira hari terang lah tu…dapat lah buat belanja lebih sikit.
Me: all in all, berapa banyak abg menang? Bukan susah ke nak menang?
W2: ada la sikit sikit…ala, main saja je suka suka…

One thing that I know about gambling, the HOUSE will always wins. I thought to myself, if the house always wins, why gamble? We humans always crave for an element of surprise; we want to always be in “not-in-the-know” situation. Yes, as we know that the house will always win, but we crave for the day when the house actually loses… that’s why we gamble.

Though it is actually rare, and almost impossible for the house to lose, but we hope that the house will lose and that we would for once win. Mungkin itu sebenarnya sikap kita pada Allah… mungkin juga it’s about the child in us, yang selalu mahukan something spicy happening in our lives… who know? But for me, one of the things that made human love to gamble is because they want to feel human, we crave for the feeling of getting hurt, surprised, anxious, scared, and above all things, happy when we know the things we gamble actually hit the jackpot…

I came to realize that as much as we loathe the reality, we the “real” people actually bonds a love-hate relationship with it, and it’s actually hard for us to actually describe the feelings. But we know, we wouldn’t want to trade it with anything, because it is the only thing that made us realize that we exists, and that we are just human.

I dedicate this column to all those feels that they prefer to be just human, and that love to gamble with their life in anyway they see it fit, and to my sister, Rozie Zakaria, who’s getting married this Friday. For her way of gambling herlife in the way she sees it fit and accepting herself as a “real” people even when reality hits her very hard.

enough said.

on the 12th day of raya...

alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah....

aku bersyukur for many many many reasons...

aku bersyukur to have a great mother,

to have a love hate relationshipwith my dad,

to have 4 wonderful,cute, adorable, lovable sister,

halimatun, atiqah, rawaidah, and insyirah,

to have a little brothe named adam,

to have a kakak like kak rozie,

to be raised by 3 wonderful, loving ladies,

ibu, nenek, and cik ani,

aku bersyukur kerana diberikan seorang atuk yang tak boleh ditukar ganti,

patah tak tumbuh, hilangnya tak berganti,

bersyukur for the wonderful friends,

Atah, Syuhada, Zahirah, Khair, Fieza, E'en, Kush, Yasseer, Sam, Deen, Kaduk, Abu, Mali, Gem, Sherek, Abby, Andy, Nuar, Ain, Juwita, Diela,Sara, Dee, subhanallah...terlalu ramai untuk dicatit...Alhamdulillah....

for the rezeki yang tak putus putus datang dari Khalid ku,

for the precious knowledge yang Allah taala berikan,

for the unexchangable experience and memories,

Alhamdulillah, aku bersyukur kerana Allah taala sentiasa memberikan Rahmat-Nya,

bersyukur for the chance to meet and learn from kak ujie, abg zaini, abg wei, Kush, uncle yalal, and not too exagerating to say,all the human being i've came across and know...subhanallah...and alhamdulillah...

for everytime Allah gives me a test, for he knows the best for me,

for the ability to think and analyze, and muhasabah,

dan yang paling patut aku bersyukur is,

betapa pemurahnya Allah Taala pada aku,

always and will always shower me with his undying love.....

and the fact that Allah taala tak pernah tinggalkan aku dan lupakan aku,

walaupun ada ketikanya aku terlupa untuk bersyukur....

Alhamdulillah....segala puji bagi Allah...

enough said.