tag, i'm it..?

m bored, and tired, and feeling shitty. so i decided to make good use of my afternoon. (man... how boring my life is...)

U have to list smue bende that's of the first letter of your first name, in which case mine is A from Aiman la kan... nyehehe..Note : boy/girl name xleh same ngan ur given name. Cheers!

1. Famous Singer: Andrea Bocelli
2. Four Letter Word: Anal
3. Street: Ampang street
4. Colour: Amber
5. Gifts/Present: Ang pow
6. Vehicle: Air Plane
7. Things in Souvenir Shop: Air Plane Model
8. Boy Name: Adam
9. Girl Name: Azlin
10. Movie title: After The Wedding
11. Drink: Apple Martini
12. Occupation: Architect
13. Celebrity: Angelina Jolie
14. Magazine: Amboi ( not that i've ever read it before..)
15. U.S. City: Austin, Texas
16. Pro Sports: Archery
17. Fruit: Apples!!
18. Reason for Being Late to work: amnesia... i had amnesia
19. Something you throw away: Asshole friends
20. Something you shout: Anak Gampang! mak ko babi, bapak ko anjing!!

i think i have to tag someone after i'm done, so yeah, who ever u are who has nothing better to do at this precise moment, i tag u. tag! u're IT.

enough said.

pengapit , anyone?

so, here's the story.

last week Saturday i was at a friend's wedding. It was nice and everything, and all of the sudden i noticed something was wrong with me. something didn't feel right. so i rush up to the room and swallowed 2 uphamols (it's one of those drugs that works like panadol). even after few minutes i still feel that something was still wrong. went to the little boys room to check on my baju melayu. clear. nothing was wrong with the baju melayu. then i started wondering, why do i feel like there's something wrong? is it the crowds? is it the flower arrangements? is it the fact that i had to stand by the parents and greet all the guest? is it because i am so darn cute that it made me feel wrong? ishk. no! aiman, focus!

so there i was standing by the bride's parents (whom actually said to people that i am their anak angkat, wait... is that why i felt wrong?... nope, i just couldn't care less even if they call me their butler.) greeted the guest with my most warmest smile and my innocent charm and still there's this feeling inside telling me " aiman, there is something wrong... with u!". so as we proceed with the wedding reception there were this group of kids from Johor did a few zapin routine. it was cute and stuff but i just couldn't focus much on them with all those feeling inside me.

as the bride's (my friend) brother(also my friend) gave his welcoming speech and some word of advice to the bride and groom, it suddenly struck me. i know what was wrong with me! it was not the food! it was not because i had to entertain a person whom i never expect to see ever again in my life! it was definitely nothing wrong with the drinks, i don't think cordial drinks could get me drunk! it was then i realized, for the 1st time in my life, i feel that i want to get married! i really do wanna get married! hah! there you go. no,this is not one of those marriage of convenience i'm talking about. no, no, it's not one of my "i'll marry a bosnian, or iraqi girl and get beautiful kids and every year will celebrate raya at my house" kindda marriage. it's a marriage in a true concept. and it surprises me that i actually do wanna get married! hah! for a person who avoids commitment, i surprise myself.

for the first time in my life, i'm looking forward for a marriage, for all those fights we are going to have, for all those "i so can kill you rite now" feeling we are going to have, for all those laughters, jokes, happy tears we ( and when i say we, i meant my future wife and me) are going to have. i even look forward for those boring part of marriage, those i-think-your-dad-hates-me arguments, the "honey, i'm home and i'm tired and don't start nagging" moments. the "we just sit in front of the tv set and say nothing to each other" moment.

when i told this to my close friends, they don't know either to be happy for me or to send me to see a shrink. but all in all, i manage to drop their jaws to the floor and pick it up for them. and also, for the 1st time, i'm starting to love my twenties and looking forward for my thirties, and forties, and so on.

so, who'll volunteer to be my wedding planner and my pengapit? i'm all set and ready to get married. just one itsy bitsy problem. can you guys go and look for the girl that i would wanna get married to? any idea people? fieza? khair? en? anyone? any idea? ah, dammit!

enough said.

again.

Again, me not being lucid with so many things in my head and no one to talk to; it’s not exactly that I have no one to talk to, it’s just that I don’t know who to talk to. Yeah, some might just say, “talk to god, to your friends, to anyone you fuck head!” the truth is, I don’t know who to turn to, not even god.

Yes, time and time again, we do hear people say that god won’t ever abandon you, and I also do say that in my entries and that I have been in the search of looking for god. The question is, why am I still not being able to talk to him though I am actually looking for Him? Yes again, we go back to the very basic of looking, knowing and talking to god method --- do what He commands and leave the things He said no to. But why is it so difficult for us to do that?

I had someone said to me that because our heart has been polluted and covered in black, darkness, and evil, what ever you may call it. When we committed all those sins, it involuntarily polluted our heart with all those taint, and thus leaving our heart with all those dirt. Is my heart really that polluted that I can’t even sense god’s presence?

Why am I still doing all these if my I can really sense god’s presence? Why any of us are still breaking His rule for that matter? Is our heart really polluted with dirt of our sins that we can’t feel Allah’s presence any more? What is the better answers to why do we do all these sins? We can’t really feel His presence any more, so much so that we can just do what ever we feel like doing without any hesitation or guilt. We really take him for granted. More than we take our parents for granted. That’s our problem. That’s my problem.

At this particular moment, even I can’t comprehend the things I said, probably because my heart is too “kotor dan gelap”. But I hope Allah won’t shun me from His grace. It’s the last thing I would want to happen to me. Yet, I’m still like this. Irony isn’t it? Or just blunt pathetic.

enough said.