tingginya menyapu awan...

subhanallah, it's been a while since I post my last blog, life was soooooooooooooooo hectic, alhamdulilah, everything dah balik kepada keadaan normal. but then again, for me, being normal is very boring, tak huru hara, ramai orang maybe suka hidup yang normal, but for me life with additional spices would be the trick!! there's soooooooooo many things on my mind, tapi tak taulah larat ke tak nak tulis semua, so here goes, tulis lah setakat mana yang larat, setakat mana yang make sence...

alhamdulillah, doing "tingginya menyapu awan" by malina manja really thought me a loooooooooooooooooooooot, arwah malina manja memang seorang yang worthy to be respect, cara penulisannya, kejujurannya, dakwah yang hendak disampaikannya, sangat halus dan insyaallah berjaya menembusi hati-hati manusia yang keras hati. ikut cerita uncle yalal and pak mat, arwah bidin subari (or malina manja) is a quiet person, tak cakap banyak, tak banyak hal, tapi hasil karyanya selalu menjadi "controversi", sinopsisnya tentang jumal (that is me!!!) seorang budak muda yang kurang siuman dibebankan dengan satu tanggungjawab menjaga seorang tua sakit nazak yang menumpang dirumahnya... eventhough masa mula the neighbours, badi dan suman tak nak amik tau, but in the end diorang pun tolong sebab kengkawan diorang yang lagi susah dari diorang pun susah payah nak tolong, for example buta and untung yang mengemis...what really cought my attention masa buat cerita ni is how jumal kept on talking to Allah, bekan dengan cara menadah tangan dan berdoa, tetapi bercakap dengan cara bercakap terus, bagaikan tuhan itu berada didepan matanya seperti manusia lain. keikhlasan hati jumal yang bersusah payah nak tolong orang tua tu walaupun hakikatnya orang tua tu takda kena mengena dengan dia pun...

seriously, doing jumal's charactor not only teaches me lot but also give me an everest challenge, not only interms of acting, but also in terms of thinking...alhamdulillah, I think i did a good job, ini bukan satu vain statement, tapi dari comment orang-orang yang boleh digunapakai...hehehehehe...

through out masa buat "tingginya menyapu awan" ni jugak I saw a lot of things happening around me, some affects me some doesn't, but over all, aku sendiri saksikan yang manusia yang buruk and busuk hati, walau macam mana cara pun diorang guna untuk sekat perjalanan ko, insyaallah, Allah sendiri akan bukak jalan untuk kita, kalau betul niat hati, bahagian kita akan sentiasa ada... biarlah orang cuba untuk tikam dari belakang ke, sekat rezeki ke, buruk kata ke, Allah taala Maha Adil. dia takkan biarkan hamba-Nya yang ikhlas dianianya. harap-harap, dengan ramadhan yang baru sampai ni, kita semua gunakan rahmat Allah dari bulan yang sacred ini untuk muhasabah diri balik, adjustkan balik nawaitu hati, teguhkan balik keimanan yang mungkin longgar. Kadang-kadang, betul jugak kata orang, tak guna sembahyang tonggang terbalik 5 kali sehari kalau niat hati tak betul, terlalu banyak sangat kotoran yang berkeladak dalam hati. kalau betul tujuaan perjalanan kita menghala destinasi yang sama, muhasabah balik diri kita...diri sendiri dan bukan orang lain...juga untuk aku sendiri...

ok enough about TMA, I've been browsing through the net and check out fieza's page...fieza, I was very sad to read ur blogs...let me qoute from ur blog "if u hurt a person hard enuff, he/she will eventually hate u..n logically,if a person hates u, he'll/she'll want to keep his/her distance kan? just erase u from his/her life..buat apa nak ingat lagi..biar dia buang aku jauh2..biar aku yg bear the outcome from tindakan aku tu,asalkan dia lupakan aku.." sayang, ingat, nothing good comes from hate, only suffering, kalau betul nak he/she happy, leave it in a good way...because by the end of the day, if u leave things in hate, you will not feel happy, and you'll remember it for the rest of your life, fieza dear ingat, life is short, why waste in in hate? it breaks my heart to see you like this, seriously it does... jangan sampai benci makan diri, you're too good to live in hate sayang...

lastly, before aku berenti, i would want to wish everyone a Happy Ramadhan and a future wish Selamat Hari Raya, may our life be bless and happiness comes rushing in along with Allah's rahmat...maaf dipinta pada sesiapa yang terluka dari perbuatan aku, tutur bahasaku, dan apa saja dari aku. semoga Allah taala membalas baik perbuatan kamu dari memafkan aku...insyaallah...

Enough said.

childhood memories?

As we live on day by day, we oft forget about our childhood memories that were and actually still are a very big part of what we are today. We tend to think, that our childhood experience is nothing but a mere memory that should be hidden in a locked closet. We tend to live day by day denying the fun of growing up, because we think, that it would be very immature for us to look back and recall our childhood memories…yes some of us went through a very rough childhood life, but there must be something beautiful in it, like the first time you’ve ever scored an A in a exam, or the first time you got a pat on the shoulders for painting a ridiculously-ugly-yet-cute picture, or perhaps, the first time you went on stage for public speaking. Those are the memories that worth more than anything in the whole wide world.

Childhood memories: are they really that ridiculous?

As we go on this journey, we lean to be more and more of a whiner, we see every single thing that come in our way as a big problem, and bitch about it, especially if the tings that come in our way is not actually the package we asked for. We learn to turn every single detail as a subject to be stress about. Hardly for once we try to challenge it and try to hike to the high peak. Was very different from what we were back then, we were this very curios, active, attentive and not too exaggerating to say more articulate than what we are now, mungkin sebab dulu kita lebih ikhlas, ikhlas kerana kita lebih objective dari kita sekarang yang lebih subjective.

Be it in any situation, we are not as honest as we used to be. Keikhlasan itu sudah tercemar dengan nafsu kita yang demanding to be fulfil. Each and every single step, each and every single movement have to be paid back with something worth more than the effort we put. Then out of nowhere, the saying “there is no such thing as a free lunch” came about. Children are honest because the things they want in return in just plain simple love. Love and attention, full stop.

Perhaps, as we grew older, we have forgotten how it feels to be loved, that’s why we are looking for a substitute for it. Even though we can see people falling in and out of love everyday, how sure are we that every time a new relationship starts, it is actually based on a true, plain old simple love? Where sex is not the priority, it’s just a bonus package? Kita sudah lupa cara untuk menyayangi dan disayangi. To love not only our self but the family, the friends, the people around us. Instead of love, we substituted that feeling with prejudice, hatred, slyness and so on and so forth, and the list will never stop; unless we recall back the memories of how does it feel when the only thing we really want and asked for is just plain, old simple love.

Mungkin itu sebabnya anak mata kita tidak secerah anak mata anak kecil yang tak mengerti apa-apa, kerana mereka lebih ikhlas, lebih jujur dah lebih berani menyatakan secara lansung atau tidak apa yang mereka mahukan. Mungkin its about time for us to sit back and think of our childhood memories and recall how happy we were back then, even if it is not the prettiest picture ever, at least we all were more honest to ourselves back than, compare to what we are now…

Enough said.

apa yang kita ratapkan?

apa yang kita ratapkan?
tuhan itu Maha Adil bukan?
sudah tertulis yang Dia memang Maha penyayang.
barangkali kita terlupa.
sebab kitu kita selalu merintih,
merintih sesal, merintih kesal, merintih kecewa.
merintih kerana apa yang kita mahukan,
ternyata benda yang mengecewakan,
kita mahu gelap,
kita mahukan kekosongan,
kita mahu jauh,
sedangkan dia mahu kita dekat,
dekat dalam pangkuannya...
bagai anak nakal yang sentiasa mahukan perhatian,
kita merengek, kita merajuk jauh,
kita harapkan dia untuk datang memujuk,
kita mahukan dia berhenti memandang orang lain,
dan hanya memakukan matanya kearah kita,
anak nakalnya yang sentiasa mahukan perhatian dan cintanya seorang...
namun, bagai seorang ibu yang punyai anak ramai,
kadang-kadang dia tidak cepat memandang ke arah kita,
melayan karenah degil kita,
memujuk kita yang selalu merajuk,
bagai seorang ibu yang terlalu sibuk melayan karenah anak-anak kecilnya yang ramai,
dia tidak dapat memberikan apa yang kita mahukan itu dengan cepat,
tapi, dalam hatinya, kasih terhadap anak kecil yang nakal itu
terlalu agung untuk diukur,
terlalu suci untuk dibicara,
terlalu hebat untuk ditafsir...
sayangnya tak terhingga,
cintanya melampaui ukuran...
tetapi anak nakal itu tidak mahu mengalah,
dia menunjukkan kenakalan dan kedegilannya,
masih tidak berpuas hati dengan apa yang ada,
dia mula membuat nakal, menunjukkan degilnya,
sehingga dia terjatuh dan luka,
dia mula menangis menjerit...

apa yang kita ratapkan?
hanya kerana kita terlalu degil untuk mengalah,
kita mahu meratap?
hanya kerana kita tidak mahu menerima hakikat,
bahawa kita tak mungkin dapat semua yang kita mahukan,
dan kita menjadi orang yang tamak,
itu yang mahu dijadikan alasan
untuk kita ratapkan?

apa yang kita ratapkan?
bersyukurlah,
terimalah hakikat,
bahawa, cintanya pada kita,
terlalu besar dan agung,
melangkaui ukuran akal...

apa yang kita ratapkan?
lihat lihat,
renung renung,
terimalah yang sebenarnya,
kita memang rindukannya,
kita memang cintakannya,
cuma nafsu yang menghalang dan sentiasa menghasut,
untuk tidakpercaya bahawa,
kita memang sentiasa dahaga,
kita sentiasa dahagakan cintanya...

mungkin,
bila kita sudah boleh menerima,
dan kembali padanya,
seperti anak kecil yang nakal,
berlari balik pada ibunya,
dan mengadukan tentang luka dikakinya,
lalu,dipeluk kuat ibunya dan
dengan penuh kasih,
dia memberikan kita satu ciuman,
dan menyayikan lagu tidur yang tenang,
mendodoikan si anak nakal yang baru insaf,
sehingga tidur nyenyak,
dalam pangkuan si ibu yang cintakannya...

enough said.

Qoutes...

just wanted to share something from my favourite book...

As my visit with Morrie go on,I begin to read about death,how different cultures view the final passage. There is a tribe in North American Arctic, for example, wo believe that all things on earth have a soul that exists in a miniature form of the body that holds it; so that a deer has a tiny deer inside it, and a man has a tiny man inside him. When the large being dies, that tiny form lives on. It can slide into something being born nearby, or it can go to a temporary resting place in the sky, in the belly ofa great feminine spirit, where it waits until the moon can send it back to earth.

Sometimes, they say, the moon is so busy with the new souls of the world that itdissapears from the sky. That is why we have moonless nights. But in the end, the moon always return, as do we all.

That is what they believe...

and this is another one...

"Have I told you about the tension of the opposites?" he says.

The tension of the opposites?

"Life is a seriesof pulls back and forth. You want todo one thing,but you are bound to do something else.Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

A tention of opposites,like a pull on the rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

Sounds like a wrestling match,I say.

"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes,you could describe life that way."

So which side wins, I ask?

"Which side wins?"

He smiles at me the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins,Love always wins."

enough said.

kelam kabut...

Fuck fuckedy fuck fuck...i miss blogging!!! really wanted to sit andwrite but i dont really have the time...(yang sebetulnya MALAS nak carik masa to write)..got 2more days to go before the "manifestasi theater negeri melaka"...hopefully boleh pergi jauh...hey...ntah lah...these are the things happened sepanjang minggu...

1) dissapointed someone very important, having the hardest time repenting, and trying to adjust a few OBVIOUS flaws of mine...i will always remember, "Allah takkan tolong kalau kau tak tolong diri sendiri" as painful as it was and still is, i will remember that note...insyaallah...

2) banyak huru-hara dalam production ni...nak salah kan yang lain sangat pun tak boleh jugak, balik pada diri sendiri pun ada...

3) dapat offer and terima offer "tingginya meyapu awan" watak Jumal ( the lead role!!!! yeay!!!) staging on the 30th sept, 1st oct (2 show, matinee, and evening) and 2nd oct 2005...gile susah,kena banyak buat homework, using ahelllot of ur imagination ability...hopefully boleh buat elok!!!

4) huru-hara siapkan the upcoming show, that is on the 2nd of september 2005, musical theatre "toilet oh toilet"...Taman Budaya Melaka, 8.30pm...

5) finish reading aristotle biografi and ideology, study on pramoedya ananta toer...gile arr.both are bloody good reading stuff....looking forward to finish my "keluarga gerilya"(again!!!)...

6) missing my dear dear dear khair, fieza, e'en, diela, and all the beroks and monyets in cyber...

7) celebrating my Merdeka eve by not celebrating at all....

8) kakak confirmkan yang dia kawin on Christmas Day...(yeay!!!!)

9) read yasmin ahmad's blog page, ayah pin's blog page, and a few others...but yasmin's page is the best lah... she's just sanely normal...best...

10) atah balik russia balik hari isnin malam, 1st time dia balik russia aku tak g hantar...sedey giler...rindulah kat dia tuh...

ok, i have a whole lot of things in my head right now, need time to sort everything in order balik...ni dah serabut cam orang ilang akal...hehehehehehe mintak mintak tak hilang akal la...insyaallah...

enough said.

tabah?

ok, it's been a while since i wrote my last entry, i've been doing some thinking lately. last saturday night, ada sorang uncle ni kematian anaknya yang baru 20 years old, he died of heart failure, he got the new in the afternoon, while he was busy preparing for an event for that particular night and no one knew about it, malam tu, lepas event tu start, baru dia balik kl, and masa tu baru semua orang tau that he had lost his son ealier that afternoon. malam tu, after the whole event, kitorang pergi hantar barang kat rumah dia, just as we finish loading barang kat rumah dia, dia pun sampai dari kl, that was around 2 a.m. he stoped us, and ajak kitorang masuk. and for the first time, we saw the side of him we never thought we'll be seeing.

Ketabahan: the state of accepting and not bitching about it.

we went in his house and gave him our condolence. he smiled and noded, and started to tell us about the son, about how he died. he seems to be calm about the whole issue, especially from a person who had just lost a son. after a good half an hour he ended the story about the son by saying, "takpa, saya ni kes kecik je, baru anak yang pergi, ada kawan saya tu, (the name will not be mention here) half an hour before show ayah dia meninggal and still dia naik pentas buat show sampai habis, baru balik tengok ayah dia. just because tiket sold out and dia ada responsibility." I almost freaked my mind out!!!! "Saya ni kes kecik??? baru anak???" ok may be I was being a bit dramatic, but hey!!! I always have this thing, it's better of for my son to attend my funeral, and me attending my dad's funeral rather than having myself at my son's funeral.

ok, aku sadar, tua ke muda ke, semua akan mati, megikut bahagian masing-masing. tapi for him to be as calm as he was and think that other people's plight is far worst from his own, he gave me a new definition of respect towards him. adding up to that, he doesn't even bitch about it, tak taulah kot kalau dia buat kat belakang kitorang, but we were stranded with him the whole night, he stopped us from going back, and started conversation with us. he talked about almost everything, from books to theatre, from life to death, from being an atheist to being in a religion. we discovered a lot of thing about him that night, and even though dia sibuk bercerita dengan kami, he failed to hide the sadness he's trying to cast aside. and for me insensitively asked him, "kenapa uncle balik awal sangat? why didn't you wait for the funeral?" he looked at me and calmly said, "uncle ada shooting pagi esok, saya dah janji dengan diorang, tak baik kalau tak pergi."

Yes people, i freaked out for the second time... i don't know whether that was a defence machanism or betul dia tak nak hampa kan orang, but if my sane mind serve me right, after knowing him all these while, i realise yang dia memang seorang yang sangat tepat pada janji dia. subhanallah, I asked him again, "Uncle, are you ok?" he smiled and said, "yeah, saya ok, i can't indulge that sad feeling sebab saya ada sakit jantung. so I have to be ok." his calm nature struck me like lightning bolt.

masa balik, i asked kush, adakah ketabahan seseorang itu boleh dijadikan kayu pengukur keimanannya? kush said no, because seseorang yang tabah itu tidak semestinya mempunyai iman yang teguh, mungkin juga ketabahannya itu datang dari kepercayaan terhadap diri sendiri. percaya yang takdir ditangannya dan bukan ditangan khalidnya. so ok, be it even so, kalau ketabahannya bukan datang dari imannya terhadap Allah, still, ketabahannya mengharungi apa yang dia lalui worthy of respect. for some people maybe ketabahannya itu satu nuisance, because mungkin ketabahannya itu tidak bertempat, but for me, as long as u can accept something, even so the subject is as big as the world, and never even for once you have a thought of bitching about it is worthy to be respect.

mungkin kalau kita dapat menerima keadaan seadanya dan instead of blaming Allah for what happened, insyaallah, kita dapat melihat dunia dalam satu perspective yang berbeda. human nature, kadang-kadang kita mempersoalkan kenapa Allah jadikan keadaan seadanya, but kalau kita tidak indulge the thought until it turns to anger, insyallah...you'll see clearly what is actually the hikmah in stored for you. we are not little kids anymore, jangan terlalu mudah merajuk...dan mungkin satu hari nanti, we can be as if not more tabah than the person i wrote about.

i dedicate this article to those who have lost the people they love, be it in death or still alive. hopefully, they can develope the "ketabahan" they need. and i hope we can spend a few seconds to recite Al-fatihah, untuk mereka yang telah pergi jauh dari mata tetapi masih dekat dihati kita... Al-fatihah....

Enough said

prejudice?

Alhamdulillah, I finish reading Atheis by Achdiat K. Mihardja, an Indonesian writer. Banyak yang aku tak nampak pada masa mula-mula aku baca buku ini that is 5 years ago, mungkin kerana aku masih terlalu muda untuk memahami pemahanam yang hendak disampaikan oleh Achdiat, walaaupun tidak ada beza aku dulu dan aku sekarang, Cuma mungkin, kemarahanku sudah semakin reda semenjak dari umur itu. But, having said that, I was still impressed by the way Achdiat wrote the whole novel, the way he argue about the concept of having to submit yourself to any god, be it mono or poly, and at that age, I almost went along with the arguments.

Having a book giving me that much impact, I decided to read the book all over again, and hopefully this time, I will be able to think rationally, without my anger take control over me, again. Alhamdulillah, semakin banyak yang aku nampak, dan semakin jelas bahawa, sebenarnya di pengakhiran cerita itu, Achdiat sebagai seorang penulis yang bertanggungjawab melakarkan bahawa Tuhan itu tetap wujud, dan kewujudannya bukan kerana dicipta oleh akal manusia. Aku semakin sadar, bahawa kenapa Hassan (the main character) begitu senang ditarik oleh kawan-kawannya kearah hidup bertuhankan tiada, walaupun asalnya dia dibesarkan dalam sebuah keluarga Islam yang sangat alim. Disini bukan soal Iman diwarisi menjadi argument Achdiat, but more towards, human’s attitude yang terlalu mudah untuk prejudis.

Prejudis: who are we to judge?

“memang sesungguhnya, perhatian manusia itu laksana sekelompok ayam didalam kandang,. Ditabur beras ke sudut utara, semua membure ke sudut utara. Tempat lain kosong. Ditabur ke sudut selatan, semuanya membure kesudut selatan. Tidak pernah merata pada satu saat yang sama.” (atheis, pg 104) we humans always put limitation on ourselves when it comes to learning. Learn only the good things, and not the bad. But the thing is, how do you know it is bad if you never learn about it? Bumi Allah itu besar, besar lagi ilmunya, baik atau buruk ilmu itu bukan persoalannya, yang penting semua itu datang dari Dia. Baik dan buruk, bukan milikNya juga?

Lagi satu persoalan yang menarik ialah bila Achdiat mempersoalkan tentang “hidup dalm lingkungan agama atau agama dalam lingkungan hidup?” which in context of this book, dia persoalkan adakah lebih baik hidup berlantaikan syariat, bertiangkang tariqat, beralangkan makrifat dan berbumbungkan hakikat atau, hidup yang semata-mata mempergunakan agama untuk menjaga kepentingan diri? I discussed about this with a few friends, and one of them said, kenapa tidak berada ditengah-tengah? Sebab obviously, in between dua-dua tu tak banyak bezanya. Hidup berasaskan amal, dan mengunakan amal itu sebagai kepentingan diri kau. Because by the end of the day, ko beramal bukan untuk orang, tp untuk diri sendiri.after a few days of thinking, i came to a conclussion that it’s better for you to always be in between, you have the good side on your right, and the bad side on your left,concept keseimbangan, wasatiah; kenal kepada kedua-dua, baik dan buruk.Because sometimes, you have to do something bad for something good. That’s just it.

Mungkin ada yang bertentangan dengan pendapat aku, itu hak masing-masing. Yang penting, sadarlah daripada memandang sesuatu hanya dari satu sudut, try to look at it, from a different perspective, then you will realise the things that you thought never exist, really exist. Berlaku adil pada diri sendiri, jangan sempitkan ruangan, hopefully, by the end of the day you’ll learn something new. Personality kita mungkin berbeza, tapi kita berjalan menuju satu hala yang sama bukan? Walaupun caranya berbeza-beza. Semuanya untuk Dia…Bukan?

Enough said.

We humans have this urge of being better than everyone else, which is a good thing, Ungku Aziz, in today’s newspaper mention that “orang melayu tidak ada sifat kiasu seperti orang cina, dan dengan sifat kiasu itu yang menyebabkan orang cina lebih maju dalam bidang economi dari orang melayu. Orang melayu harus ada sifat kiasu itu.” I couldn’t agree more with him, memang benar, when it comes to bringing ourselves one step closer to be better in economics or becoming better person, we are not as kiasu as we should be, but when it comes to developing the “holier-than-thou” attitude, we are the kiasuest of all kiasus…

Kiasu: when will we channel our kiasu-ism to the right place?

Members of our society have this thing about my “holier-than-thou” attitude, we loath it, but at the same time, we love it. It’s almost to be seen as a part of what makes us human, we judge people for fun, we mock other people to make it seem that they are worst than us, we laugh of other people misery to show that we are stronger, we reject other people just because their ideology would threat our believe system. Worst of all, we didn’t take a second or two to think, that perhaps, the position you are standing right now doesn’t bring you anywhere near to become a better person, just let you stay where ever you are for the rest of your life. When every one else is becoming more mature and wise, you are still the same old stupid (sorry) you.

Our urge of being holier than everyone else is costing us a lot, whether we realise it or not, this attitude of ours is turning us into a bunch of bumps, that’s why orang melayu tak maju (bukan semua), even after 30 years of implementing dasar DEB. Don’t put the lame on the name “melayu”, I heard of before some people bitch about the name “melayu”, they say, macam mana orang kita nak maju, letak nama melayu, last-last, me-layu lah kita semua.” Wake up and smell the coffee!!!! A rose will still smell nice even if you put "ass-hole" as the name!!! (I'm trying to make a point here..ok?) nama tidak menjustificasikan apa-apa, the attitude will. Manusia…manusia, we oft put the blame on others, if we can’t put it on human, we will put it on the name; that is how lame we can be.

We tend to put blame because we have that “holier-than-thou” attitude, we can’t accept any flaws, even if it is solely ours. Wiseman Za’ba mentioned that “perangai bergantung pada diri sendiri.” And that we have to look at our self, our attribute towards ourselves, our community, and Allah, before we can judge others. We bitch about too much of too many things, and by the end of the day we do nothing about it, to one extend, we’ve developed a pleasurable experience just by doing so. Kalau betul orang melayu terus me-layu, takkan ada orang seperti Ungku Aziz, Za’ba, dan lain-lain. Yang bezanya, attitude mereka towards life.

I know this one person, whom he and his wife are very close to Ungku Aziz (as he claim), he said to me one day, “kita orang melayu terlalu banyak merasa, bila dalam perucapan kita, kita menyebut, saya rasa…kita sepatutnya ikut cara orang putih, kalau mereka berucap, mereka mulakan dengan saya fikir (I think)…” and he tried to make me believe that he himself uses the “saya fikir” instead of “saya rasa”. Ok I did learn something new that day, that is yes, mungkin betul cakap dia, yang kita terlalu banyak merasa, tetapi tindak tanduk dia, tidak menunjukkan seperti orang yang berfikir. Kerana orang yang “berfikir” fitrahnya akan lebih mesra, lebih down-to-earth, and lebih decent, tetapi tidak padanya, dia lebih tinggi sifat bongkaknya, dan lebih menebal “holier-than-thou” attitude, mungkin sebab dia “fikir” that he is better than everyone else.

Our “holier-than-thou” attitude menyebabkan kita punya rasa kurang sedar diri, dan lebih bongkak. Manusia tidak punyai hak untuk membongkak, kerana by the end of the day, there is no different between you and me, we are the same, and we are still the pawn. Setiap gerak kita digerakkan oleh tangan yang tidak kelihatan, terlalu agung untuk disifatkan. Before we judge others, remember that we are not as perfect as we think, so judge yourself 1st. and when your through judging your own self, you’ll realise that you are no better than anyone else, ergo, you have no right to judge other, and hopefully you’ll manage to learn to channel your “kiasu” energy to other sector, and perhaps one of it would be on how to improve our self better. Insyaallah…

Enough said.

Believe?

I was at this kedai makan having my supper when I accidentally heard a conversation in between 2 friends who sat at the table next to me. One part of the conversation really attracted my attention, and thanks to the person who utters these words, it became a print in my memory. It goes something like this;

A: hey entahlah, pasni aku kena mintak tobat lah kat tuhan!! (laugh)
B: tulah ko balik nanti mintak lah ampun ngan tuhan ko.(serious)
A: aik? Apasal? Tuhan ko tak sama ke ngan tuhan aku? (still laughing)
B: kalau macam nilah attitude ko, I don’t think we believe in the same god kot…

BAMM!!! At that point it struck me like a thunder blot; I was stunned, and at the same time found a new respect towards the person who uttered those words. He made me think about what he said the whole week before I came up with a conclusion, and that whole week, I can’t help but to wonder…

GOD: we may believe in the same religion, but do we believe in the same god?

Astaghfirullah… jauh betul perginya, but that was the question in my head. And for that whole week, I started to pray, because I know, by having these questions, I can just do it alone, I really need the guidance from Allah himself. Alhamdulillah, aku dapat berjumpa dengan jawapan yang sekurang-kurangnya memenuhi ruang-ruang itu, untuk setakat ini.

Ok, let me go back to the basic , for us, the Muslims (also applicable to the non-believer) we were given the guideline of what Allah taala is like, all of it has been described in the sifat 20 and Asmaul-husna. It is in the nature of human being that when we are talking about a person or a thing, we tend to built up the picture as well as characteristic of the thing we are talking about, thus, we may believe in the same god, that is Allah, but DO we believe in THE same GOD? Secara hakikat nya, perkataan TUHAN itu hanya satu kata nama dan kata ganti diri yang kita letak untuk menamakan the Supreme being that we believe upon blind faith; and for different people , they have their own Supreme being worthy to be call TUHAN as well.

I know, some wouldn’t agree with what I am saying but the fact is, why must I be hypocrite about it, I remember recalling a few people who lives bertuhankan object lain selain daripada Allah taala sendiri. There are those who worship MONEY, for them money is everything, with money you can do money, when other people are suffering because they have lack of money, you can live lavishly happy with your money, so what is more powerful than the force of money? Duit adalah segala-galanya, you can even repent by just paying your zakat and give out some charity. That is all you need to buy your way to paradise.

There are also some others who worship their LOVE ones, bagi mereka orang yang mereka cintai adalah segala-galanya. Mati hidupku hanya untuk orang tersayang, ada yang sanggup starve themselves just because their loved ones tak merestui sesuatu kerjaan yang mereka lakukan. Ada yang merangkak pergi MEMINTA their love ones to love them eventhough obviously the other party is using them for their own pleasurement. Ada yang sanggup mati hanya semata their love one ran away to someone else. To love a person doesn’t justify your action to worship them. Apa guna menyembah dan menghambakan diri kepada yang berfikir mengikut kata nafsu? Itukah tuhan yang kau cari? Maaf kalau aku agak terkasar bahasa, tapi kalau sudah sampai worshiping your love ones, my suggestion would be, go to pejabat agama, fill in boring keluar Islam, dan dalam column “agama yang dianuti sekarang”, put there the name of your love one, kalau diluluskan, you are making the world latest record, that is to be the founder of a new religion. Nauzubillah…

Ada jugak yang menjadikan society as their supreme being, as most of us is. We are afraid what would the society say about us, we live by the rule set by the society even though sometimes, those rules are being made up and contradict with Allah’s will. The society is the best way of spreading this new “religion” and that everyone is obligated to go with the society instead of one’s own will as well as Allah’s. We were brought up in the mentality of it’s the way of the society is the best. What ever you do, you have to do it for the society’s greater good. To a point we’ve forgotten how does it like to be honest, to communicate, to be expressive of our own emotion, and the most importantly how to and to be love. The society emphasis on prejudice, on hate, on hypocrisy, and on anger, every element that are known to bring misery to human life.

I’m not saying that I am All-know, aku juga masih mencari. Alhamdulillah, even with my blind faith, Allah has never failed me in any way, even in my worst; he is still there to provide me his guidance. Insyaallah, kalau aku terus jujur dengan Nya, insyaallah, aku akan sampai ke destinasi yang aku tuju, hanya kesabaran dan Dia sendiri yang akan terus dan terus berjalan bersamaku.

I’m writing this not because I would want to judge, I don’t have the right for that, bukan tahap aku untuk meletakkan hukum, but it would be best for us to take a few moment and re-think, “yes, I proclaim that I believe in HIM, but do I really Bertuhankan Dia?”…

Enough said.

hanya satu...

sedar dalam lena
lena dalam sedar
bahagia dalam kalut
kalut dalam bahagia
senyum dalam menangis
menangis dalam senyum
sesat dalam tahu
tahu dalam sesat
terang dalam gelap
gelap dalam terang
sihat dalam sakit
sakit dalam sihat
takut dalam tenang
tenang dalam takut
buruk dalam baik
baik dalam buruk
nampak dalam buta
buta dalam nampak
pekak dalam dengar
dengar dalam pekak
kata dalam bisu
bisu dalam kata

dimana aku berdiri
mencari terus mencari
harap jumpa dalam mencari
dipegang tak dapat
dilihat tak nampak
didengar tak dengar
tak ada dalam ada
hati rindu terus rindu
dalam senyap aku berharap...

polite and shy?

Watched “THE” final Akademi Fantasia’s concert, was quite sad with the results. Yes, undeniably that it is Mawi’s rezeki to win all the categories, but then again, for him to win the best vocal and best performance? Are our fellows Malaysians are really that deaf and blind or are they just fanatically blind stupid? Congratulation to him for the winnings though, perhaps it was hard for him as well to receive all those winning. Amylea gave a superbly-deserving-standing-ovation performance, it was her best performance by far; and Marsha’s 1st song…whoa…

I’m writing to actually comment on neither the show nor giving my opinion on how they performed just now, but more on this thought that came through my mind after watching the crowds who went for the show just now. I realised that went it come to concerts, Malaysian’s are the worst crowd (perhaps in the whole wide world) in enjoying the bloody show. No one really knows how to stand up and dance their ass off along with the music, sing their heart out loud; all they know is just cheering (even though in the real world it is more of yelling and screaming rather than cheering). Ok, I don’t really expect everyone in Malawati Stadium to stand up and dance or sing, for crying out loud, I still have respect for the elders and those mak cik who came with tudung on their head. But I can recall vividly that there were a few concerts that I went for, the audience actually just sat still and cheered. Allah knows that if they lose their voice, it would definitely be a concert in front of a bunch of mute retards (no offence to the retards).

I wonder why are my dear fellow Malaysians really that polite and well behave? Because if my memory served me well, I can vividly recall my memories of seeing my polite fellow Malaysians dancing like a bunch of drunken junk monkey in the clubs not only around K.L, but also on the other lands that had been shone by the glory lights of a disco ball (do we still have disco ball in our clubs nowadays?). So, after recalling this vivid memory of mine, it made me wonder why on earth they sat still and do nothing in concerts. It came to my mind that perhaps, we Malaysians are nothing but just a bunch of hypocrites. (I don’t refer to all, but most of us are)

Hypocrites: were we born as one or were we train to turn into one?

Since THE beginning of time, there’s been this endless war in between the will of Allah (I keep on using this name because I am a Muslim, if you’re not a Muslim, you are welcome to change the referring name to either GOD @ Yahweh @ Jehovah @ Jesus @ anything to your preference.) and the will of the society. The will of Allah, that you are to be always true, and the will of the society that you are to show only the pretty picture even though the flesh is rotten. My dear roommate Kush try to shut my big mouth off by saying that perhaps, my fellow countrymen are just plain shy, and that kita diajar untuk sentiasa berlaku sopan. (Even though he is bugged by this puzzling phenomenon, he managed to find some soothing words to cover up the wounds.)

My only reaction to those polite words of him was, “sopan? Malu? My ass!!” ok lets talk about kesopanan a.k.a politeness shall we. Ok, undeniably that we Asians, especially Malaysians as a whole sangat mementingkan adat, adap, kesopanan dan kesusilaan, we were taught to always be polite not only to the elders, our friends, and the rest of the world, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t know how to stand up for our right. Dalam lingkungan sopan, we are expected to only show good behaviours, attitude, with smile on our faces. “anak dara jangan menyanyi kat dapur, tak elok orang dengar.” “jangan pergi menyakat anak dara orang, buruk perangai orang tengok!!” “jangan terkinja-kinja berjoget, buruk benor rupanya!!” “hey, apa benda nak menari terkinja-kinja masa tengah concert Alicia keys, kalau orang tengok nanti, dikatanya pulak esok!” O, so kalau menari masa tengah concert tu buruk rupa, tapi kalau terkinja dalam Nouvo, Zouk lawa sangat rupanya?

Kalau boleh ketepikan soal kesopanan dalam all these clubs, why can’t you put it all aside while in a concert? What’s the freaking different, because obviously, at this particular point, dosa pahala is not in your priority? Plain fake mask, plain hard cold hypocrisy. Don’t give me the b*llsh*t of being shy. To whom are you ashamed of? To the man up stairs? No…it’s the other human that will judge you…kan? Kita terlalu mementingkan adap yang terkadang agak terlampau sehinggakan kita lebih malu pada manusia lain daripada Dia sendiri. Kalau kau boleh menari terkinja dalam club dalam keadaan mabuk (bukan semua) dan tak ada perasaan malu pada Allah taala yang sentiasa melihat, yang lagi berhak untuk menerima perasaan malu kita itu dari manusia. Jujur. Honest. Kalau nawaitu dari mula is actually to have fun, why stop yourself? Why constrain yourself from having fun just because you are afraid that other people might judge you. Have you ever think that by the end of the day, the person who is judging you, is he going to have an easy time with Allah later?

I’m saying this because of I realise that more than half of the crowds in any given concerts are actually clubbers. We are brought up in a society that demands us to be perfect in everyway, though the fact that we are never and can never be perfect. I quote Yasmin Ahmad in one of her commanets in Akademi Fantasia “kesempunaan itu milik Allah taala sahaja, manusia hanya mampu untuk berlaku jujur dan ikhlas.” Ikhlas is equal to jujur, jujur is equal to honest. So if you can’t be honest to yourself, to whom should you be honest to? I read a quote that says, “If you can’t be true to yourself, you can never be true to others.”

Ambillah peluang yang Dia bagi sebaik mungkin, baik atau buruk itu hak masing-masing, but by the end of the day, who else can know what do you really want inside, your nawaitu? Allah maha mengetahui, Allah maha penyayang. If you learn to be true to yourself, He will lead you the way. He will save you from drowing, or lost. Be true to our self, it’s among the sanest thing you can do to yourself. Better be sane but a little lost rather than being insane and totally lost. Hopefully I can be true to myself always…insyaallah.

Enough said.

redha?

I would want to write one last thing before I go back for my holy holiday. I went through the “presidential program” today because of my “outstanding results”. Thanks to Mr. Radzuan, he was a very good facilitator, we had a wonderful session with him today, he’s looks aren’t giving him the credits he deserve for his mentality and thoughts; but hey, life ain’t always fair ain’t it?

Redha and Kufur: the fine thin line in between.

Diantara menerima ketentuan dan menentang ketentuan, manusia selalu celaru diantara dua ini. If you just accept the bad things that happen in your life, some people would say that you are a loser, easily giving up on things. You are expected to grab only the “good” things by any chances by any mean taken, as long as it gives beneficial to you, you have to grab it. I’m not justifying that what happen to me is something right, being terminated is not something you should be playing with, in some people point of view. But in this case, who is there to blame except for my self; and the fact that I’m not bitching about it like other people is a big problem for them. The fact that I’m not bitching about it is because there is nothing I could bitch about, not even to blame it on fate. He will not help those who don’t want to help themselves. It is as simple as that.

As I mention, me not bitching about it doesn’t mean I am ok with the situation, for crying out loud, who the hell likes to be terminated? But for me, rather than bitching about it, I should re-evaluate my self, my attitude, and detect my flaws so that I can change my attitude and personality so that I can be a better person. What is the point if you only know how to bitch a.k.a blame but there is no action, and worse realise that the mistakes done was all yours. Menerima keadaan seadanya bukan perkara yang mudah, manusia tak pernah bersyukur, dan adalah satu perkara yang hampir mustahil untuk manusia belajar untuk bersyukur. I’m not saying that it is imposible, but hampir. The society is the major trend setter to what we are today, even though the society as a whole is a big failure and hypocrite, but we still worship the society as the core to our religion. Bukan semua yang dituntut oleh society itu benar dan betul, that’s a fact that the society have to learn to accept.

There’s a very thin line in between redha dengan ketentuan and Kufur dengan ketentuan tuhan, the fact that people always mistake accepting the will as a sign of true losers is because people always put the blames on Takdir a.k.a fate. “nak buat cam mana, ni takdir aku, redha je lah” but at the same time they are not doing anything to try to change their fate. Remember, Allah will not abandon those who ask his guidance and help. Putting effort also doesn’t guarantee that you will success, but you have to believe that, by failing once that doesn’t mean you are meant to fail for the rest of you life, when there are things that aren’t going we want it to be even after putting much effort on it, you have to accept it with open arms, don’t bitch about it. Ketentuan Allah itu berbeda-beda, semua punya bahagian sendiri, mungkin hari ini, mungkin esok, yang penting, harus ingat, bahawa bahagian and ketentuan masing-masing itu sudah tertakluk dalam Luh-Mahfuz.

to utter the word Alhamdulillah itself bears thousand of pahala, why is that? it is a direct challenge from the man up stairs to man as a sign yang manusia memang susah nak bersyukur dan sentiasa kufur pada nikmatnya. the fact is, being prejudice itself is an act of kufur. kita cuma mahu menerima yang baik dan cantik , and at the same time membuang dan mengeji perkara yang kurang senang dangan kita. belajar untuk menyebut nama Allah, tak kira diwaktu susah atau senang. Alhamdulillah kalau kita ingat untuk menyebut nama dia waktu susah atau senang, but nauzubillah, dahlah masa senang pun tak sebut nama Dia, masa susah lagi mau bitch about it. hey....manusia, manusia....

Belajarlah untuk menerima perkara seadanya, it’s hard, it’s bitter, it’s painful, but you have to learn to swallow it. That’s the fact. Alhamdulillilah, I had my chance. Hopefully I will not have to go through this experience again. Insyaallah.

Enough said.

happy birthday sayang...

My dear dear dear Atiqah, happy birthday sayang, i wish all the good things come in your way, i love you to no end, even if there is no one else is there to hold you, and kiss you and give you love, i will always be there for you. I may not see you often, but i will always see you right in my heart. i'll include you in each and every dream of mine, and hopefully you'll include me in yours. you are my true love at first sight... i love you always.

Happy 6th birthday sayang...Hapy birthday Atiqah Saaidah.

Along sayang kak lang... my precious little leo.

secrets?

I’ve been writing 3 articles (?) when our internet was cut off, Allah knows, how bored we were then. Alhamdulillah, now that it’s back, my beloved PC pulak jahanam… tuhan aja yang tahu betapa tertekan nya aku!!! Hopefully, that after the break, I’ll have my pc back good as new, spick and spat back on the net highway. I had a recent encounter finding out something that was hidden by a very good friend of mine; I didn’t dare to face him and spilt out “hey!! I know your secret!!!” coz I know he’ll definitely freak out if I tell him that I know he’s hiding dirty laundry in he’s closet. We human are likely to have some secret of our own in our sleeves, and we try to keep it there so that other people will not find out about it, but sometimes, we accidentally slip it out…what are we going to do then? And for the spectators, are we ready to see what is there hidden in his sleeve?

We often bitch about our friends not telling us their secrets and their darkest thoughts, we always have this urge of wanting to know more about our friends, because we were brought up in a mentality of the more you know about a person’s history and trauma, and perhaps fetish, we are closer to that person. We push the other party to let us in their “secret garden”, whereas sometimes, we are not ready to see what is actually behind the walls, even though we think we are ready for it. Isn’t it enough for us just to know the person, as in the person him/herself? For me, if we really want to know about the person, just get to know the person, see what you can only see, if the person wants to show us more than we can see, well that’s a different story. For me, trying to “korek” his/her secret is actually invading one’s privacy, and that doesn’t qualify us for the next “bestest best friend award”.

Secrets: how much do we really want to know about our friends?

Ok, I admit, other people secrets are very-very-very tempting, especially when serving it on the silver plate to fill our gossiping appetite, but sometimes, there are certain things that better left to be unknown to us. These secrets actually makes us wanting to stick longer to the person we’re being friends with, we live for the excitement of being surprise, the element of surprise is among the key ingredients of a long lasting friendship. Hell, can you imagine what would it be if there are no more surprises in this world?

Ignorant is bliss? Yes, cause by being ignorant, we’ll be sitting at the edge of our seat, most of the time. We live for the excitement of having an adrenaline rush in our head when someone especially our good friends, come to us one day and start out the conversation with, “aiman, I have something to tell you….” Ya rabbi, I will not trade those moments with anything, be it so even if the things coming out from that person’s mouth is the last thing I would want to hear. And yes, I love to do that to my dear friends, especially khair, fieza and e’en...hehehehehe….and perhaps, if they can turn back time, some of them would want to erase those moments.

Some people have the gift of seeing right through people, but trust me, the more you can see through people, the starving crave of being surprise is even bigger. Because at that point, you are questioning, what is there in him/her that can surprise you, because you know, there is nothing of him/her that you can think of can fulfil that growing appetite of yours.

So remember, the next time you try to dig out secrets from a person, always remember, what would you feel if someone else is doing the same thing to you. And seriously, by the act of digging the secrets itself, it shows how much that friend of yours doesn’t trust you. Don’t blame him/her; look back at yourself, muhasabah diri balik; because if you really are a friend whom he/she can trust, they’ll definitely tell you in the end. And trust me, you’ll keep that secret with you to your grave because you’ll know how appreciate the trust they put on you. So, any of you up to share a little secret with me? Heheheheheh…

Enough said.

about me...

Name : Aiman Syaaban hj Azahari
D.O.B : 28th may 1984
P.O.B : Kuantan, pahang
Zodiac Year : rat
star sign : gemini
sun sign : gemini
hair : black
eyes : dark
skin : beige
siblings : 5 ; I'm the eldest and the only boy
occupation : undergraduate; major in marketing
colour : black, white, blue, red, soft green, earthy colour, turqouise, orange
food and drink : anything with cheese!!!! ice-cream, chocolate, coffee (addicted to coffee), potatoes, roast beef and lamb, most of all, my mom's cooking!!!
movie : mary poppins, sound of music, tuesday with morrie, closer, notthing hill, osama, children of heaven, pretty woman, sepet, rabun, kaki bakar, jogho....banyak lagi ni....
book: tuesday with morrie, 5 people you'll meet in heaven, taming of the shrew, pride and prejudice, hamlet, keluarga gerilya, atheis, V.C andrews saga, i love books..there's alot more to mention...
songs : i listen to almost everything...almost.
person : my late granparents, my parents, Muhammad bin Abdullah, Dr. Mahathir, Sun Tzu, Pramoedya Ananta Toer, Achdiat K. Mihardja, Imam Ghazali, W.H Auden,Dylan Thomas, William Shakespeare, Dinsman, Mitch Albom, Kristen Jit, Khalid Salleh, U-wei, Yasmin Ahmad.
hobbies : watch movies, reading, gossiping, bitching, sleeping, thinking (muhasabah), smoking.
sexuality : Bisexual ; ain't staight enough to be straight, ain't gay enough to be gay..hahahaha..
girlfriend : no
boyfriend : no
fettish : hahahaha... a lot!!!! let it be known, that i am a very kinky person, and i'm up to anything, except for animals...
if you are cought in a fire, name 3 things that you would take with you : my wallet, my cellphone, my Quran.
cartoon character : He-man, She-ra, care bears, voltron, smurf, thundercats, my little pony and friends, little lulu, mighty mutant ninja turtles..hahahah...i love watching cartoons, even today!!!
1st love : Julia roberts...(1st love never dies)
latest infatuation : kristen kreuk, anjelina jolie, orlando bloom, and chad michael murray, told ya i was bi!!!
define sexy : confident, kinky.
describe you perfect day : wake up, have a very big greakfast with my family, meet my friends up and we have picnic by the lake, go for skinny dipping, in the evening, all of my friends, and my family having BBQ, we'll have 2 whole lamb, chicken, beef etc. then we all catch a movie and kiss goodbye before we leave. go back to my house, grab a cup of coffee and a good book before i go to sleep.
tell us the biggest secret about yourself : if i tell you, it won't be a secret anymore isn't it?
most disgusting behaviour : hahaha, adalah....
best family vacation :when we went for umrah in 2001, the first time me and my dad sat together and talk without fighting...he showed me the side of him i'v never seen.
ever thinking of getting married : perhaps...one day...haven't decided yet.
describe you wedding day : something small, my friends, and close family, night, with a lot of lilies... (i love lilies)
children : tak pernah pikir... but i love kids!!!
sea or lake : both!!! I love water...
city or village : somewhere in between...
handcurf or silk scarf : hohoho...i'm up to anything...
describe you when you're old : grumpy fat old jeezer that lives in a farm, hahahahaha...no...i would want to live in a farm, and have my grankids to come and visit me often...i love children...
othello or macbeth : macbeth...i like him!!!! pure evil!!!
Mcdonald or Burger king : hail the Burger king!!!!
describe briefly about you : kinky yet decent, daring yet decent, bitchy yet decent. suka golek-golek, i'm a sloth. I'm a very evil person, yet very kind hearted. I read a lot still i have a lot to learn; i have multiple personality disorder. i'm 21 yet i know there's still a kid inside of me. i'm humble yet i have a soaring ego.unpredictable mood swing, i'm the type who need "my very own fucking space". stage is my sanctuary, allah is my light and life is my winding road.

enough said.

argh!!!!

pc aku jahanam!!!

tension!!!!

nasib baik internet dah ada balik!!!!

tuhan kuatkan je lah kesabaran aku!!!!!

few good questionnaires..

a good friend of mine asked me this questions while we were hang out doing nothing, according to him,these are the questionnaires usually asked by shrinks...well,what the heck do i know about shrinks,never been to one for a very-very-very long time,damn if he lied, then I'm lying to all of you who are reading this...

Q: name me 3 of your most favourite animals.

A: 1st is siberian white tiger , 2nd is the white condor , 3rd.....entah lah, aku tak pernah terpikir lak....(but he insisted me on answering the 3rd, it took me a long time but in the end i manage to came out with one) 3rd, the great panda.

Q: which one do you prefer,white horse, or black horse?

A: entah lah, both are ok for me,i like both...but i like the white one better kot...

Q: do you prefer your horse to be kept in a stable or do you want your horse to run free?

A: run free

Q: ok, let say if you're lost in a jungle, and then you are very hungry, ko dah carik for food every where, but couldn't find it, suddenly, jumpa satu pokok yang ada buah, tp buah tu tinggi, will you try to get the fruit or are you gonna keep on looking for something else yang senang sikit nak dapat?

A: dah kata lapar,baik lah aku cuba amik buah tu, dah ada depan mata, i'll try to get the fruit lah.

Q: kalau tak dapat gak?

A: i'll try to get the fruit by all means.

Q: ok, now describe me the jungle.

A: hmm...i see a very lively forest, ada yang pokok rapat,macam hutan kat malaysia ni,kalau tak pun macam dalam lord of the rings tu.. sangat gelap, jalan lagi, nanti nampak pokok yang macam hutan dalam movie english tu, tak rapat sangat, pokok tinggi ada bushes and everything, ada small animals, pastu kat tengah-tengah hutan tu, ada tanah lapang, ada banyak wild flowers, ada butterflies, ada bunny rabbit, ada colourful ponnies, boleh golek golek...

Q: hahahahaha..ko memang psycho!!! ok,masa kat dalam hutan tu, ko jumpa sungai,now describe me the sungai.

A: sungai besar, macam dalam lord of the rings tu, tapi air sangat clear, ada batu besar, ada batu kecik yang cantik, ala...yang kilat-kilat tu lah, macam aku slalu kutip tuh..ada ikan, and kalau ikut sungai tu ke punca dia, you'll see that makin nak sampai kat punca dia tu ada lagi banyak batu besar, lagi bengkang bengkok, lepas tu bila jalan lagi, nanti nampak air terjun ada tingkat-tingkat, kat atas air terjun tu ada tasik yang sangat besar,dan sangat sejuk,banyak pokok kat keliling dia, pastu kalau ikut sungai tu ke hujung dia pulak, the same things lah, sungai tu berubah mengikut muka bumi dia,dalam sungai tu dari batu besar,dia kurang sikit batu, batu kecik-kecik, and in the end pasir halus,pastu masuk laut. jangan lupa, ikan mesti ada!!! air mesti sejuk,baru best nak minum ke nak mandi!!! yang ko ni tanya aku ni apsal?

(Q: question, A:answer)

so, that friend of mine pun cerita lah, the significant of the questionnaires yang dia tanya...

F: cam ni, about the favourite animals tu yang 1st skali tu, is what kind of partner that you are actually looking for, ko nak siberian white tigers, maksudnya, ko nak pasangan ko yang mentally and physically challenging, ko nak orang yang garang, orang yang berani, orang yang tahan dengan perangai ko yang macam setan, sebabnya, siberian white tigers boleh hidup kat kawasan yang sangat sejuk, bukan semua binatang boleh hidup kat situ. and ko nak a partner yang bukan calang-calang orang, orang yang ko boleh jumpa kat mana-mana, tepi jalan ke,ko nak orang yang 1 in a million, buktinya,siberian white tigers cuma ada kat siberia je, lain tempat kalau nak tengok kat zoo, tu pun bukan semua zoo ada. the second animal is the reflection of what you are, and what you want to be, and hope to be. ko pilih white condor, which i am not suprise, knowing you, ko memang selalu menentang arus..

A: huh? apsal lak aku menentang arus?

F: ey bodoh!!! burung kan terbang menentang arus angin, kalau ikut arah angin, mana boleh terbang!!! dah lah suka menentang arus, nak burung yang paling besar dalam the birds of prey lak tu, ko suka terbang tinggi, tapi ko susah nak lupa diri,sebabnya, burung terbang je kat atas, tp kalau nak carik makanan kat bawah gak, you know what you want, and you go straight to it, other birds fear for you, dan jangan lupa tentang ego ko yang tinggi!!! plus you want to be different from other people,dah lah ko suka condor, which is susah nak carik, ni kan pulak white condors that are even harder to find.

A: cool...(senyum bangga)

F: the third one, I'm not suprise ko tak pernah pikir, knowing you..but the third one signifies what you want your kids to be,ko nak panda, you want you kids to be adorable and cute,manja-manja gitu, bila orang tengok, rasa macam nak peluk-peluk, but at the same time you want your kids to know how to defend themselves, macam panda,cuba dia tengah makan ko rentap makanan dia,tak ke dia bagi ko penampor sekali?!

A: hahahahahahahaha (gelak besar!!!)

F: the one with the horses tu is about do you want your partner lagi putih dari ko ke, atau gelap dari ko ke,ko nak kuda putih, so meaning, ko nak partner yang sama cerah atau lagi cerah dari ko...

A: and i thought the white horse tu nampak cam suci sikit...hehehehehehe

F: and then, yang ko nak kuda ko duduk dalam stable ke run free ke is what type of a person are you in bed, kalau ko nak kuda ko duduk dalam stable, maksudnya you want to be in control all the time, but then ko nak your horse to run free,maksudnya,you are open and flexible in bed,you are open to anything, you are willing to try anything to make the experience saucier...and you are not a dictator in bed...

A: hahahahahaha..try anything? hahahahahaha yezzaaa....i am kinky!!!!

F: bodo ni...the one yang jumpa buah kat hutan tu,is about ko senang putus asa atau tidak, ko cakap you'll try by all means to get the fruit, so maksudnya,ko bukan mudah putus asa, bagi ko lambat takpa, yang penting, ko dapat apa yang ko nak, and you are willing to sacrifice to get what you want.

A: betul...biar lambat,asalkan aku dapat apa yang aku nak...

F: the description of the jugle is what you see and what you want in your life, ko nak hidup ko ada masa tu sangat susah nak lalu, buktinya ko nampak hutan yang tebal and gelap, and ada part tu yang ok ok je,tak banyak sangat masalah, and ko nak hidup ko ada masa yang sangat cantik,ko nak ada tanah lapang lah, wild flowers lah, and ko nak hidup ko sentiasa menarik,sebab ko nak dalam hutan and tanah lapang ko tu slalu ada binatang. sungai tu pun lebih kurang sama,ko nak hidup ko sentiasa ada "kick" and "spices" and ko nak tau punca dan akibat to almost everything, you question a lot of "why" in your life,sebabnya,bukan semua orang yang aku tanya akan describe sungai dia ada hujung lah, ada punca lah, and kalau ke hujung tu macam mana rupa bentuk dia, kalau ke hulu macam mana pulak bentuk dia, ko nak sungai ko ada batu besarlah, batu keciklah, ada ikan lah, ada liku lah, so meaning you dont want a simple life, you want a challenging life.

A: oooo...gitu ke...true true...

(F: friend A: aku)

so, that is it, i have no conclusion, terpulang lah, mungkin Allah taala dah setkan that i'll face all this things in my life, perhaps He has store for me something bigger that i couldn't think of right now...so, berserah je lah, there's nothing i can do about it,no,i can't bitch about it, because i know that everything that happen must suit a purpose...so, insyallah, kalau ada rezeki aku, i'll find out what He has store up for me...Insyaallah..so kalau korang nak guna soalan-soalan ni untuk tanyakan pada kawan-kawan korang silakan, but, dont make a conclusion base on these questionnaires only, sebab by the end of the day, yang betul-betul mengenali kawan-kawan korang tuh, is just themsleves and Allah taala, ingat, humans are capable to suprise us within 10 second eventhough kita dah kenal dia more than 100 years...itu manusia.enough said.

5th cry for help...

day : tuesday
date : 5th july 2005
time : 0754
mood : almost stable

this might be the most scandalous confession ever made by me, the confession of why i never wanted to be in any commitment,and that every time the big C comes near me,i would freak out and run away faster than the world's fastest sprinter. it wasn't easy for me, to decide to actually make this confession to myself, let alone to the others; nonetheless, i believe that it is better to face your fear, rather than run away like a coward, and by believing in this, i made up my mind to actually write this down, not only to be read by others,but also,as a reminder for myself.

being in love is never easy, at least for me. i dont know about other people, but i dont fall in and out of love very often, and once i fall into the pit of love,i would fall in very deep, to the depth of there is no light available, and all around you is total darkness. yes, i am a terrible flirt. i am a flirt slut, i have a few strong infatuations, but that's it. because for me, i will try to stop myself from really falling for someone, because i dont like to be emotionally attach to anyone. once you are emotionally attached to someone, you no longer have any control on your life, the course of your life is run by the other party, and as for those who knew me, i am the type whom like to be in control of myself, yes i submit myself and fate to the greater power, but other than that, i want to be in control, tidak timbul persoalan tentang qada' dan qadar, i've passed through that.

ya, saya mengaku disini,saya memang manusia yang ego. sifat ego yang timbul dari pengalaman untuk membuktikan yang aku mampu pergi jauh, pengalaman yang mengajar, kau harus sedar yang kau akan sentiasa berjalan sendiri. the irony part is,i never see crying as a sign of weakness,but having your emotion control by others is a sign of weakness. it's ok to cry but never let your emotion "bergantung" to others. because you'll never know when do you have to walk alone,and when the time comes, you will never have the courage and strenght to do so,because you are used to depend on others. it's a blessing and a curse for me to learn that you have to prove to others that you worth something and you will always walk alone at a very tender age.

aku menulis bukan hanya sekadar mendengar cerita lipur lara dari yang lain, tetapi menulis mengikut pengalaman sendiri. have you ever fall for someone that you know there is no future for the both of you, even how hard you wanted it,you know it wont happen. you know the consequences, but you still dare to go through it, you know that it's a winding and harsh road, but you still go on that trail. stupid act? maybe. but not for me. fitrah bercinta, harus ada saat bergantung harap,perasaan...and that is exactly the things i cant afford to indulge. having the feelings is already a curse,let alone to indulge the urge of wanting more.

life is a stage of play, a very very long play, dan terbukti aku antara pelakon handalan yang layak memenangi "oscar for reality actor". walaupun begitu,i am not proud of myself, because in that very play, i've overkill numbers of good people. there's nothing i can do to change it now, and as i've mention in my previous post,my make-up maybe flaking, but my smile still stays on. alhamdulillah, aku sedar, that i will have to face the agony, tormenting nightmare of moving on.kalau bukan sekarang, aku hanya membiarkan aku terus merana, because being in this state is even tormenting than the pain of moving on. that's the fear that i have to face, that's the battle i cant afford to lose...insyaallah.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high,

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly.Birds fly over the rainbow.

Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

cyber trip report..

BEST!!! the visit to cyber was worth it, lepak ngan all my dear dear friends, thanks fieza,khair sbb bg aku tempat menumpang..banyak mengumpat, banyak kumpul info, banyak tengok,banyak cuci mata, banyak belajar...thank you fieza for the piece of advise, but here's the thing, benar aku jarang nak dengar nasihat orang, sebab bagi bukan semua orang berjaya membuatkan aku hormat pada mereka...but just for u to know,u are among the person yang kalau cakap,aku akan dengar...sebab bagi aku you are worth the respect,you are a strong person,dan aku kagum dengan keberanian dan ketabahan kau. having you as a friend is like receiving seribu rahmat.

dear khair, i wasn't suprise when u told me that your second most favourite animal is a cat...after knowing you for all these years,and causing soooooo much damage in your life, terbukti, you are THE cat of my life...

juwita, eventhough kita jarang jumpa but you're are picking up the hints i left very quickly...bravo...benarlah, your really are a very intelligent girl, learn to be more observant, insyaallah...you'll get there soon.

my dear dear zul, it's all about the decision, kenapa decision? sebab ianya sudah ditentukan, one way or another ianya sudah ditentukan, that's why...it's all about understanding why the decision has been made that way..always look at the bright side of it,insyaallah...try reading "tuesday with morrie" by mitch albom,it wont answer every single thing, but there's a lot to learn from that book..insyaallah...

diela...turun lah melaka pulak....windulah...

aku dah turun cyber lepak ngan korang, kalau lepas ni tak reti gak nak turun melaka lepak ngan aku,memang arrr....aku bakar satu cyber tu esok,tengoklaa....muahahahahahahahahaha(gelak kejam!!!)...i miss all of you already.....sob sob...