5th cry for help...

day : tuesday
date : 5th july 2005
time : 0754
mood : almost stable

this might be the most scandalous confession ever made by me, the confession of why i never wanted to be in any commitment,and that every time the big C comes near me,i would freak out and run away faster than the world's fastest sprinter. it wasn't easy for me, to decide to actually make this confession to myself, let alone to the others; nonetheless, i believe that it is better to face your fear, rather than run away like a coward, and by believing in this, i made up my mind to actually write this down, not only to be read by others,but also,as a reminder for myself.

being in love is never easy, at least for me. i dont know about other people, but i dont fall in and out of love very often, and once i fall into the pit of love,i would fall in very deep, to the depth of there is no light available, and all around you is total darkness. yes, i am a terrible flirt. i am a flirt slut, i have a few strong infatuations, but that's it. because for me, i will try to stop myself from really falling for someone, because i dont like to be emotionally attach to anyone. once you are emotionally attached to someone, you no longer have any control on your life, the course of your life is run by the other party, and as for those who knew me, i am the type whom like to be in control of myself, yes i submit myself and fate to the greater power, but other than that, i want to be in control, tidak timbul persoalan tentang qada' dan qadar, i've passed through that.

ya, saya mengaku disini,saya memang manusia yang ego. sifat ego yang timbul dari pengalaman untuk membuktikan yang aku mampu pergi jauh, pengalaman yang mengajar, kau harus sedar yang kau akan sentiasa berjalan sendiri. the irony part is,i never see crying as a sign of weakness,but having your emotion control by others is a sign of weakness. it's ok to cry but never let your emotion "bergantung" to others. because you'll never know when do you have to walk alone,and when the time comes, you will never have the courage and strenght to do so,because you are used to depend on others. it's a blessing and a curse for me to learn that you have to prove to others that you worth something and you will always walk alone at a very tender age.

aku menulis bukan hanya sekadar mendengar cerita lipur lara dari yang lain, tetapi menulis mengikut pengalaman sendiri. have you ever fall for someone that you know there is no future for the both of you, even how hard you wanted it,you know it wont happen. you know the consequences, but you still dare to go through it, you know that it's a winding and harsh road, but you still go on that trail. stupid act? maybe. but not for me. fitrah bercinta, harus ada saat bergantung harap,perasaan...and that is exactly the things i cant afford to indulge. having the feelings is already a curse,let alone to indulge the urge of wanting more.

life is a stage of play, a very very long play, dan terbukti aku antara pelakon handalan yang layak memenangi "oscar for reality actor". walaupun begitu,i am not proud of myself, because in that very play, i've overkill numbers of good people. there's nothing i can do to change it now, and as i've mention in my previous post,my make-up maybe flaking, but my smile still stays on. alhamdulillah, aku sedar, that i will have to face the agony, tormenting nightmare of moving on.kalau bukan sekarang, aku hanya membiarkan aku terus merana, because being in this state is even tormenting than the pain of moving on. that's the fear that i have to face, that's the battle i cant afford to lose...insyaallah.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high,

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly.Birds fly over the rainbow.

Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?