4th cry for help...

day: tuesday

date: 28th june 2005

time: 0315

mood: unstable

subhanaallah...beratnya terasa bila diberikan ujian macam ni, bila seluruh institusi iman itu diuji, terasa lemah sekujur badan. in laymen terms, iman itu adalah kepercayaan, dan kepercayaan itu adalah iman. tidak akan timbul kepercayaan kalau tidak terbukti keutuhan dan kebenaran sesuatu itu selagi ianya tidak dibuktikan kesahihan kebenaran satu-satu fakta itu. bila terbukti tersirat dan tersurat fakta itu, baru ianya layak untuk dipegang sebagai iman. contohnya, untuk dalam proses mempercayaai kewujudan entiti ghaib yang dipanggil tuhan, manusia akan melalui satu ketika, masa yang getir untuk membuktikan kewujudan Dia sebagai satu entiti. bila akal sudah boleh menerima semua bukti, dalil then we will go through another stage, the stage of submission.

while we are in the stage of submitting, there will be another test, the big question of why should we submit our selves to an entity that couldn't be reach by our senses, but just by our mind. disini, kita akan mula mengenali sifat-Nya yang menyebabkan kita tunduk kepada sebab kenapa harus ada konsep "penghambaan" diri kepada Dia. alhamdulillah, bila disini, kita sudah semakin hampir...or so we thought. when there are no more questions about the why should we be submitting, akan timbul pula persoalan, sejauh manakah kebenaran sifat yang diwarwarkan?

kita dikenalkan dengan sifat Maha Adil, Maha Kaya, namun...sejauh manakah terbukti KeADILan itu? sejauh manakah terbukti KeKAYAan itu? kita mendengar cerita hidup orang lain sebagai pedoman, namun sejauh manakah kebenaran kisah yang dikhabarkan? atau ianya hanya kisah lipur lara? subhanaallah...sedar atau tidak, bila ujian dimulakan, setiap yang berlaku dalam persekitaran hidup berkisar tentang persoalan-persoalan yang masih belum terjawab itu...and these test will usually by any means bisa mengoncangkan seluruh institusi kepercayaan iman itu sendiri, percaya atau tidak, sedar atau tidak, that is the fact.

one thing about the test, sedar atau tidak, bila ujian itu dimulai, eventhough the main pole of the beliefs is shaking, you know that one day the answer will come to you, kesabaran menunggu itu akan membawa kita selangkah lebih dekat kepada hakikat fakta tersebut. He will not change the fate of a person, if the person himself doesn't have the will to change. "WILL", keinginan untuk memahami itu akan membawa aku selangkah lebih dekat. kesabaran dan keikhlasan itu adalah kunci. insyaallah.

ya allah, you will not lay this test upon me if you know that i dont have the strenght to go through it, help me to find the strenght to go on, so that i can finish this quest. guide me to that strenght to hold on. hold on and move on to a wiser person. jangan Kau hancurkan institusi kepercayaan yang aku bina ini, because if i fail this, i have nothing more to hold on to, and my life suits no purpose. ya Allah, walk with me, hold my hand till the end of the journey...hanya pada kau aku memohon, hanya pada kau aku meminta.amin.

enough said.

the show must go on

lying is like acting, sounds easy but in practical, it is not as easy as it may sound. to be a good liar, you have to come out with a very good lie,and a very convincing body gesture, eye contact, intonation of speech,so that no one can detact that you are lying. it have to be perfect in every way. just like acting, lying is also an illusion to reality. it's not too blunt to say that lying is an art of acting. eventhough not all good liars can act on stage,but all good actors can lie.

we tell lies to about everyone, we tell lies about our feelings, about our thoughts, about what we want, about everything. we tell lies to simplify matters, or so we thought. never we expect that by starting a lie, we have to live in that lie for the rest of our life, it's like living in a never ending stage play and the show must go on,and on, and on. Empty spaces - what are we living for; abandoned places - I guess we know the score, on and on, does anybody know what we are looking for... behind the curtain, in the pantomime we hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore? The show must go on, inside my heart is breaking my make-up may be flaking but my smile still stays on. Outside the dawn is breaking but inside in the dark I'm aching to be free .The show must go on. My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die. The show must go on, and I'll face it with a grin, I'm never giving in ,I'll top the bill, I'll overkill I have to find the will to carry on with the show . The show must go on...

3rd cry for help...

day: friday
date: 17 june 2005
time: 6.39pm
mood: unstable

eksperimentasi belum selesai, masih banyak yang belum terjawab..bukan semua, tetapi masih ada. bersempenaan dengan "international wine fair" di jaya jusco, aku membantu untuk menjayakan program itu dengan membeli good wines..hehehehe...good wine in good hands will leave a memorable memory, but good wine in bad hands will just be like any other liquid, to be drank but not to be appreciated.

"O lonely my troubles so hard,

O lonely my troubles so hard,

no nobody knows my troubles but god,

no nobody knows my troubles but god."

manusia tak pernah berubah, manusia tidak akan berubah. you can take a person out of evil influence, but you can never take the evil influence out of the person. biar seribu tahun air mengukir batu, tetapi manusia tetap tidak akan berubah. jangan salahkan aku kalau aku berlaku kejam, jangan salahkan aku kalau aku dikatakan "cold and unhearted", jangan salahkan aku kalau bahasaku lancang. jangan salahkan aku kalau aku tidak ada belas ihsan. kamu nampak, tapi kamu tidak melihat ; kamu dengar tapi kamu tidak meneliti; kamu merasa, tetapi kamu tidak melalui. aku berdiri hari ini dengan apa yang kamu ajar. jangan percayakan sesiapa, tidak ada orang yang betul ikhlas kalau bukan ada niat lain disebaliknya, hanya nafsu yang mengawal akal manusia. kau akan berjalan sendiri dan sentiasa menyendiri, biar selautan orang yang kau kenal, dan dalam setiap titik ada lagi selautan orang yang kau kenali sekalipun, kau tetap akan sendiri. itu fitrahnya. kalau ada pun yang betul ikhlas, nisbahnya, hanya setitik dalam lautan, dan dalam setitik itu ada lagi selautan, ambillan setitik dari lautan itu, maka itulah nisbahnya mereka yang betul-betul ikhlas dengan kamu. begitu sedikit bilangannya. itu yang aku pelajari. itu yang kamu ajar.

don't trust people easily, dont love people easily, because they will by any means use your weaknesses against you. itu manusia sebenarnya. jangan biar cinta mengaburi rasional. jangan biar cinta mengalahkan praktikal. it is not as "agung" as it may seem...

to those who were hurt by me intensionally or not, i lay upon you my apologies: ya, aku nampak dan melihat kerana aku bukan buta, tetapi susah untuk aku percaya. aku diajar untuk tidak mempercayai.

enough said.

stop all the clocks

alhamdulillah, my dear best friend, NATRAH is 21 years and 2 days old today. eventhough ko takde kat sini, but that doest stop me from remembering your birthday!!!! hahahahahaha..thank you atah, for calling me all the way from russia, to wish me happy birthday, the least i can do is send you that little message, nak call, aku tak mampu!!!! jangan risau, ada rezeki, insyaallah, i'll buy u a belated birthday present for u later...cant wait to see u!!!!

friends are like sands in the river, some are swept away, but some stay..some are like big bulk of rock,some are like tiny grains of sand, bukan semua yang besar cam batu tu stay, dan bukan semua yang kecik cam pasir tu yang diswept away... kecik atau besar,itu bukan ukuran, yang penting is how the hell dia boleh stay kat situ!!!! and setiap mereka,membentuk satu phenomena, no...not really a phenomena, but more of a pattern yang menarik dalam pembentukan sungai yang mengalir jauh.

a good friend of mine yang dah lama tak jumpa mention to me in her message in friendster that she and her roomates loved the peom i poested recently, it wasn't really a poem per se,it's actually a lyric, a very meaningful lyric,what the hell,lyric and poems are the same thing...hehehehehe...hoping that kalau ada komposer lagu yang gempak boleh composekan lagu untuk poem ni, my favourite poem of all time, by W.H.Auden, "Stop all the clocks"...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good

bismillah, ya allah, tiada sesiapa yang boleh ku pinta selain daripada Mu, tiada sesiapa yang boleh ku adu selain daripada Mu, ya allah, leave me not in this situation,leave me not alone wondering, give me strenght, give me ways to forgive you, and more of all, myself...let not my anger take control of me, help in this quest searching, searching for the soul i longed for...searching for the love i longed for. i have all the love from the people i need, it's the love that i should have for myself, and the love from you that i've always longed for, eventhough, yes, my ego take control of me...all the time, but u know, what really is in me...berikan aku kekuatan untuk meneruskan amalan...berikan aku kekuatan untuk terus mencari ilmu...kerana ilmu tanpa amalan itu memang perkara yang sia-sia. amin.

kadangkala

terkadang kita lupa,bahawa segalanya untuk dia,satu kerjaan itu bukan untuk memikat,bukan untuk nama,bukan untuk kedudukan,bukan untuk wang,bukan untuk diri,bukan untuk ibubapa,orang tersayang,bukan untuk jannah yang dijanjikan,tetapi untuk dia,hanya untuk dia,dan segalanya untuk dia,bunyinya emang mudah, konsepnya emang kononnya enteng,namun bisa tercapaikah oleh lidah,perlakuan,dan yang terutama,hati? Terkadang,kita mandir terlalu jauh,kita alpa,perasaannya kita bahagia hidup begini,walau hakikatnya kita sengsara(kerana ego menghalang diri untuk mengaku bahawa intinya kacau,dan kosong)bila sudah terlalu jauh berlayar, haruslah kita berpaling, dan ingat bahawa dia lebih dekat dari urat yang berselirat dalam badan sendiri..ceritakan padanya,tanyakan kenapa padanya,(harus dengan hati yang telus serta ikhlas,ingat dia bisa mengetahui, kerana itu sifatnya)..moga kita bisa mengerti jawapan yang dicari,kerana dia tidak akan membiarkan kita tergapai..ingat,segalanya hanya untuk dia.

=aku=

kadangkala kita lupa apa tujuan ini,kemana arah tuju, apa yang sudah dicapai...kita hitung perlakuan orang tapi tidak perlakuan sendiri...

kadangkala, lagi cepat melangkah,lagi jauh jarak rasanya, tapi bila dilambatkan langkah itu, terasa tidak mungkin sampai ke destinasinya ...benarlah, amal tanpa ilmu adalah bodoh, tetapi ilmu tanpa amal adalah sia-sia. sia-sia maksudnya bodoh sombong, lebih baik bodoh (sebab boleh diajar), daripada bodoh sombong.

The Blowers Daughter

"The Blowers Daughter"

And so it is

Just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me

Most of the time

And so it is

The shorter story

No love, no glory

No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes...

And so it is

Just like you said it should be

We'll both forget the breeze

Most of the time

And so it is

The colder water

The blower's daughter

The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to

Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind...

My mind...

my mind...

'Til I find somebody new

21years 6 days old and counting...

alhamdulillah, I'm 21 years 6 days old today, had a decent celebration with my folks, received few phone calls frompeople who cares about me (i assume)...atiqah bought me pants and halimatun bought me a nice shirt..i love my sisters!!!!

God works his way in mysterios ways, dan benar lah yang tuhan itu maha penyayang, dia tak akan meninggalkan hamba-nya terkontang kanting tanpa bantuan, hanya kepada mereka yang betul berusaha untuk mencarik bantuan itu akan berjumpa jua akhirnya. benarlah,Dia maha adil. i read a book written by imam ghazali during the holiday, and i was very impressed with his level or dareness and understanding, knowing how to differentiate the goods and the bads (even if that is in his pointof view, which may not be the definite answer, but still jawapan yang memuaskan, untuk dia dan mereka yang bersetuju dengan dia.), looking at his determination and his daring, aku fikir yang aku takkan boleh pergi ke tahap dia, he not only learn about the subjects, but he also mastered the knowledge to the extend he can identify the flaws of that particular subject. sebab itu dia tulis banyak kitab, baik ilmu fiqh, filosofi (walaupun dia berbeza pendapat dengan Farabi), tasawwuf dan juga sufi.

one of the things yang aku pick up mase cuti is, jangan prejudice, memang susah untuk buang perasaan itu, tapi its better for us not to judge, kita kena ingat,walau dalam buruk sekalipun, ada baiknya,baik in sense of, kalau dia fikir why is it bad? what harm does it cause me? what benifits does it gives me? berat harm ke berat benifits? and at that point kita kana ingat,kalau kita betul sayang diri sendiri, u sould know where and when to stop. satu lagi, kena ingat, the thought of Him giving us the chance to think itu sendiri sudah seribu rahmat dah...its a proof yang Dia memang sayang kat kita. dan kalau betul kita nak berfikir, you'll tend to find the answer, and when u can digest the answer, u know what to do, itwill give u THE determination we oft bitch about ("ntah lah, kekuatan tu takderlah.."i,e).that is what some people call "Hidayah". kita makin hari makin berumur, tak guna kalau umur bertambah,tapi kita masih jahil, everything must suit a purpose. kalau takda purpose,susah tu,kena pikir sendiri baik buruk.

watch a very good play during the holiday, written and directed by khalid saleh, benda sulit, the sound of the title it self dah vulgar gile,but it was agood show, among the things that caught my ears was, "ada itu tidak semestinya zahir pada mata, boleh di ukur jisimnya, boleh ditimbang jirimnya, boleh diterangkan sifatnya; sebab ada perkara yang tidak mampu dijangkau oleh akal,jadi selagi ia boleh diterangkan, ia masih dalam lingkungan jangkauan akal manusia.""bila ada soalan tapi takda jawapan tu yang tension, biarlah kalau jawab sendiri jawab sendiri,kurang-kurang ada jugak jawabnya,kalau yang sendiri tanya,sendiri pun tak boleh nak jawab, haaa, tu yang tension."...

alhamdulillah, kakak bertunang hari ahad (yeay!!!) good for her, and she's lucky to have someone who really loves her, insyallah...and alhamdulillah, tuhan tak pernah tinggalkan aku terkontang kanting, cuma aku yang kadang -kadang buat-buat tak nampak Dia. sanagat bersyukur sebab dapat hidup lagi( kalau yang ni tak 1st on the list tak tau la...) and sangat bersyukur sebab dapat kawan yang pelbagai...yeay!!!

to my dear aizmin, happy belated birthday darling, you are one heck of a friend. tons of hearts, hugs and kisses. (dont forget the love bites!!!) hopefully u had a superb celebration and go through many great things in the future.

alhamdulillah...enough said.