thoughts to ponder...

I ve been living like this for almost a week, a friend told me a few times,:"ko jangan man,jangan nanti lepas cuti ko lak nanti jadi t****." was so sweet of him to worry about me, but the thing is,i still have a lot of unaswered questions lingering in my brain. need time alone with myself, needed it to try to solve those questions....fast.

well, eventhough i still have problem with those questions, i still manage to learn a few very significant facts:
1. tuhan.. there's no words to descibe him...
2. manusia memang dijadikan berbeda-beda. the way we question things and the way we implemant the answers are very different, but the same.
3.dalam proses memahami itu, we tend to be more sensitive to our surroundings, it is as if you could sense the different vibration in the air surrounds you. and when you tend to be more sensitive, u are one step closer to understanding the answers you might get some day.
4. maklumat bukan ilmu,ilmu bukan bijaksana, bijaksana bukan kebenaran, dan kebenaran bukanlah perkara terbaik pun...
5.how sex is the only drive to disaster.

manusia itu suka berpura pura,kita berpura di depan semua orang, ibu,ayah,kakak, abang, adik,kawan, cikgu,orang asing,malah depan diri sendiri dan tuhan. kita susah untuk jujur dengan diri sendiri, why..? kita cuba untuk men"delete"kan memory yang buruk, kits cuba untuk me"re-write"kan memory yang kita ada. but little that we know, that our actions was totally in vain, sebabnya,cubaan untuk delete and re-write itu, menyebabkan memory tu semua masuk ke subconciuos mind, which is the actually drive of what we are today.

dont talk to much, cukup dengan kulitnya sahaja...padah juka bercakap terlalu banyak... boleh lari semuanya... full stop.

she sat and sang..

SHE sat and sang always
By the green margin of a stream,
Watching the fishes leap and play
Beneath the glad sunbeam.

I sat and wept alway
Beneath the moon's most shadowy beam,
Watching the blossoms of the May
Weep leaves into the stream.

I wept for memory;
She sang for hope that is so fair:
My tears were swallowed by the sea;
Her songs died in the air.

wondering note.

Time can say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.
If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time can say nothing but I told you so.
There are no fortunes to be told, although
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you, I would let you know.
The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time can say nothing but I told you so.
Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.
Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away?
Time can say nothing but I told you so.
If I could tell you, I would let you know.
W.H.Auden

we human tend to build up a very strong defensive wall around us, it is hard for people around us to penetrate. we feel very secure behind this wall, secure and safe from the bad, cold and often cruel reality. more often than not,we tend to live in denial. we only see things that we want to see, we only hear things that we want to hear. we leave all the other "bad stuff" out side of the wall,so that we can go on this world another day without having to face all those ugly things that would spoil the "beauty" of living, yet, we still fuss about the point of living. we complain about this and that. never ever feel satisfied in anyway. pernah tak terfikir, that perhaps, those ugly things we left outside the wall is actually the key to actually see the beauty of living? Denial: friend ....or foe?

time can say nothing but i told u so, perhaps, time did try to show us the things that we are supose to see, but we chose not to, and sebab kedegilan kita, in the end,the only thing that time can say to us is, " i told u so." manusia tak pernah bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. kita selalu membandingkan apa yang kita ada dengan apa yang orang ada, we can'tjust simplylive with the fact that other people have somethingmore than us,be it interms of welth, popularity, looks, breast size, penis size, even in terms of problems, kita akan membanding, "ah,apa sangat dengan masalah dia tu, tengok aku nie,ada masalah macam ni pun boleh rileks lagi!" manusia tidak pernah bersyukur dengan apa yang mereka ada.

"tanya pada diri,mana letak budi,tanya pada akal,apa yang dibekal,tanya pada hati,sudahkah berisi, ingat pada janji, jangan dimungkiri...bumi,yang dipijak bak hamparan luas terbentang; langit, dijunjungi,melindungi awan tak bertepi."

second cry for help...

day: monday
date: 11th april 2005
time: 6.31pm
mood: unstable

it has been two days since i last wrote my last blog, and apparently, my mood swing is seeing no progress of slowing down.. i think that mood swing is affecting everyone else around me,which made me feel even worse. kush was obviously in a very bad mood swing yesterday, so was fieza..pity her... we chatted a while, hopefully i made her feel better... to certain someone, be more sensitive to changes in fieza will u, u've dissapoint me, it's ok... but if u ever fail fieza, in any way, you'll be aswering to me... personally. jangan terlalu pentingkan diri sendiri. that was not a threat, just a firm advise.

ata lepak kat rumah semalam,and he showed me this very cool website, www.deviantart.com it's soooooooooo bloody cool, there's like literaly millions of artworks, sumpah best gile..thank u ata!!!!!!

kush, fieza... if u need someone to talk to,u know where to find me,u guys done too much for me, the least i can do is to ease ur pain a bit...

yes..and to hazzy-wazzy-hunny-bunny, happy belated birthday!!!!!

first cry for help...

was surfing through the net, (just got back from my theatre exam) an i dea struck my head, why dont i create my own blog??!! eventhough i dont really tell people a lot what's on my mind, but hey, at least i can just post it up,tak kisahlah kalau ada orang nak baca ke tak, at least i have a new way of expressing what's on my mind!!!

thanks to my dearest, fieza. she gave me the idea of writting my own blog. happy belated birthday dear.. i called her up on her birthday eve, i felt so lost and alone, really need to hear a familiar voice. sorry dear, if i spoiled ur mood..

" I think I woke up at the wrong sode of the bed..for no perticular reason, (that I can think of) I feel so bloody down. There’s like this very heavy thing on my chest,and i can hardy breath, the pain is slowly spreading into my blood veins, like a very venemous poison, slowly,slowly,slowly...my whole body feels numb. At this point, I started hating any form of light, I just wanted to be in the dark, the slightest stray of light can just send me straight to hell… I jut want to be in the dark. Absolute darkness, empty, alone, silent.

The pain is getting to my feet, I cant feel it anymore, let alone to even move it, the wieght in my chest is getting heavier, my brains is so mess up, cant think clearly anymore, voices spaking in my head, all at the same time. Even though the room is in total silence, but the voices in my head made it seems like a whole crowd of people trying to talk to me t the same time. I don’t want to listen to any of them. Why cant they just leave me alone, I just want to be alone, please leave me alone. I dont want to listen to your voices, I want to hear those voices that I’ve miss, the voices that I’ve been missing for a very long time…

Its coming to my shoulders and neck, feels numb in my arms, at this point, I cant help but to thnk, why do we have to grow up? Why can’t we just stay as children all the time.not that I had a very great childhood, but at least the people that I love was there. It wasn’t really a very lovely picture, but still it was the best of time. "

wrote that b4 i called fieza up..

went to my dear 'awak's house after that, brought along sepet's vcd, watch it with her while the both of us golek-golek on the floor, called fieza up again at half past 12 to wish her happy birthday..

" zhu ni shen ri kuai le,

zhu ni shen ri kuai le,

zhu ni shen ri kuai le,

zhu ni shen ti kuai le."

sang her happy birthday in mandarin..hehehehe...she loved it. we watch sepet to the very end, loved that movie...sweet, nice and simple.. just before i left, 'awak' came out from her room and say,

"nah,"

i asked, "huh? nak buat ape?"

"suka tak?"

"suka,comel je"

"saya punya, amik lah, jangan lah buat muka monyok je, tak comel la"

"takder lah,mana ade monyok."

"simpan lek-lok tau,kalau sepah-sepah nanti saya amik balik!!"

"yelah, orang letak kat meja pc nanti, tak sepah."

"nanti golek-golek ngan dia k?"

she gave me the baby from "The Incredibles" doll...cheered me up a little bit.

hmm....i guess, i have notthing else to write..

thanks to those who has always been giving me undivided love: atah, fieza, syuhada, khair, sam, kush, mali, andy, yasseer, kaduk, ain...and the list goes on...