kelam kabut...

Fuck fuckedy fuck fuck...i miss blogging!!! really wanted to sit andwrite but i dont really have the time...(yang sebetulnya MALAS nak carik masa to write)..got 2more days to go before the "manifestasi theater negeri melaka"...hopefully boleh pergi jauh...hey...ntah lah...these are the things happened sepanjang minggu...

1) dissapointed someone very important, having the hardest time repenting, and trying to adjust a few OBVIOUS flaws of mine...i will always remember, "Allah takkan tolong kalau kau tak tolong diri sendiri" as painful as it was and still is, i will remember that note...insyaallah...

2) banyak huru-hara dalam production ni...nak salah kan yang lain sangat pun tak boleh jugak, balik pada diri sendiri pun ada...

3) dapat offer and terima offer "tingginya meyapu awan" watak Jumal ( the lead role!!!! yeay!!!) staging on the 30th sept, 1st oct (2 show, matinee, and evening) and 2nd oct 2005...gile susah,kena banyak buat homework, using ahelllot of ur imagination ability...hopefully boleh buat elok!!!

4) huru-hara siapkan the upcoming show, that is on the 2nd of september 2005, musical theatre "toilet oh toilet"...Taman Budaya Melaka, 8.30pm...

5) finish reading aristotle biografi and ideology, study on pramoedya ananta toer...gile arr.both are bloody good reading stuff....looking forward to finish my "keluarga gerilya"(again!!!)...

6) missing my dear dear dear khair, fieza, e'en, diela, and all the beroks and monyets in cyber...

7) celebrating my Merdeka eve by not celebrating at all....

8) kakak confirmkan yang dia kawin on Christmas Day...(yeay!!!!)

9) read yasmin ahmad's blog page, ayah pin's blog page, and a few others...but yasmin's page is the best lah... she's just sanely normal...best...

10) atah balik russia balik hari isnin malam, 1st time dia balik russia aku tak g hantar...sedey giler...rindulah kat dia tuh...

ok, i have a whole lot of things in my head right now, need time to sort everything in order balik...ni dah serabut cam orang ilang akal...hehehehehehe mintak mintak tak hilang akal la...insyaallah...

enough said.

tabah?

ok, it's been a while since i wrote my last entry, i've been doing some thinking lately. last saturday night, ada sorang uncle ni kematian anaknya yang baru 20 years old, he died of heart failure, he got the new in the afternoon, while he was busy preparing for an event for that particular night and no one knew about it, malam tu, lepas event tu start, baru dia balik kl, and masa tu baru semua orang tau that he had lost his son ealier that afternoon. malam tu, after the whole event, kitorang pergi hantar barang kat rumah dia, just as we finish loading barang kat rumah dia, dia pun sampai dari kl, that was around 2 a.m. he stoped us, and ajak kitorang masuk. and for the first time, we saw the side of him we never thought we'll be seeing.

Ketabahan: the state of accepting and not bitching about it.

we went in his house and gave him our condolence. he smiled and noded, and started to tell us about the son, about how he died. he seems to be calm about the whole issue, especially from a person who had just lost a son. after a good half an hour he ended the story about the son by saying, "takpa, saya ni kes kecik je, baru anak yang pergi, ada kawan saya tu, (the name will not be mention here) half an hour before show ayah dia meninggal and still dia naik pentas buat show sampai habis, baru balik tengok ayah dia. just because tiket sold out and dia ada responsibility." I almost freaked my mind out!!!! "Saya ni kes kecik??? baru anak???" ok may be I was being a bit dramatic, but hey!!! I always have this thing, it's better of for my son to attend my funeral, and me attending my dad's funeral rather than having myself at my son's funeral.

ok, aku sadar, tua ke muda ke, semua akan mati, megikut bahagian masing-masing. tapi for him to be as calm as he was and think that other people's plight is far worst from his own, he gave me a new definition of respect towards him. adding up to that, he doesn't even bitch about it, tak taulah kot kalau dia buat kat belakang kitorang, but we were stranded with him the whole night, he stopped us from going back, and started conversation with us. he talked about almost everything, from books to theatre, from life to death, from being an atheist to being in a religion. we discovered a lot of thing about him that night, and even though dia sibuk bercerita dengan kami, he failed to hide the sadness he's trying to cast aside. and for me insensitively asked him, "kenapa uncle balik awal sangat? why didn't you wait for the funeral?" he looked at me and calmly said, "uncle ada shooting pagi esok, saya dah janji dengan diorang, tak baik kalau tak pergi."

Yes people, i freaked out for the second time... i don't know whether that was a defence machanism or betul dia tak nak hampa kan orang, but if my sane mind serve me right, after knowing him all these while, i realise yang dia memang seorang yang sangat tepat pada janji dia. subhanallah, I asked him again, "Uncle, are you ok?" he smiled and said, "yeah, saya ok, i can't indulge that sad feeling sebab saya ada sakit jantung. so I have to be ok." his calm nature struck me like lightning bolt.

masa balik, i asked kush, adakah ketabahan seseorang itu boleh dijadikan kayu pengukur keimanannya? kush said no, because seseorang yang tabah itu tidak semestinya mempunyai iman yang teguh, mungkin juga ketabahannya itu datang dari kepercayaan terhadap diri sendiri. percaya yang takdir ditangannya dan bukan ditangan khalidnya. so ok, be it even so, kalau ketabahannya bukan datang dari imannya terhadap Allah, still, ketabahannya mengharungi apa yang dia lalui worthy of respect. for some people maybe ketabahannya itu satu nuisance, because mungkin ketabahannya itu tidak bertempat, but for me, as long as u can accept something, even so the subject is as big as the world, and never even for once you have a thought of bitching about it is worthy to be respect.

mungkin kalau kita dapat menerima keadaan seadanya dan instead of blaming Allah for what happened, insyaallah, kita dapat melihat dunia dalam satu perspective yang berbeda. human nature, kadang-kadang kita mempersoalkan kenapa Allah jadikan keadaan seadanya, but kalau kita tidak indulge the thought until it turns to anger, insyallah...you'll see clearly what is actually the hikmah in stored for you. we are not little kids anymore, jangan terlalu mudah merajuk...dan mungkin satu hari nanti, we can be as if not more tabah than the person i wrote about.

i dedicate this article to those who have lost the people they love, be it in death or still alive. hopefully, they can develope the "ketabahan" they need. and i hope we can spend a few seconds to recite Al-fatihah, untuk mereka yang telah pergi jauh dari mata tetapi masih dekat dihati kita... Al-fatihah....

Enough said

prejudice?

Alhamdulillah, I finish reading Atheis by Achdiat K. Mihardja, an Indonesian writer. Banyak yang aku tak nampak pada masa mula-mula aku baca buku ini that is 5 years ago, mungkin kerana aku masih terlalu muda untuk memahami pemahanam yang hendak disampaikan oleh Achdiat, walaaupun tidak ada beza aku dulu dan aku sekarang, Cuma mungkin, kemarahanku sudah semakin reda semenjak dari umur itu. But, having said that, I was still impressed by the way Achdiat wrote the whole novel, the way he argue about the concept of having to submit yourself to any god, be it mono or poly, and at that age, I almost went along with the arguments.

Having a book giving me that much impact, I decided to read the book all over again, and hopefully this time, I will be able to think rationally, without my anger take control over me, again. Alhamdulillah, semakin banyak yang aku nampak, dan semakin jelas bahawa, sebenarnya di pengakhiran cerita itu, Achdiat sebagai seorang penulis yang bertanggungjawab melakarkan bahawa Tuhan itu tetap wujud, dan kewujudannya bukan kerana dicipta oleh akal manusia. Aku semakin sadar, bahawa kenapa Hassan (the main character) begitu senang ditarik oleh kawan-kawannya kearah hidup bertuhankan tiada, walaupun asalnya dia dibesarkan dalam sebuah keluarga Islam yang sangat alim. Disini bukan soal Iman diwarisi menjadi argument Achdiat, but more towards, human’s attitude yang terlalu mudah untuk prejudis.

Prejudis: who are we to judge?

“memang sesungguhnya, perhatian manusia itu laksana sekelompok ayam didalam kandang,. Ditabur beras ke sudut utara, semua membure ke sudut utara. Tempat lain kosong. Ditabur ke sudut selatan, semuanya membure kesudut selatan. Tidak pernah merata pada satu saat yang sama.” (atheis, pg 104) we humans always put limitation on ourselves when it comes to learning. Learn only the good things, and not the bad. But the thing is, how do you know it is bad if you never learn about it? Bumi Allah itu besar, besar lagi ilmunya, baik atau buruk ilmu itu bukan persoalannya, yang penting semua itu datang dari Dia. Baik dan buruk, bukan milikNya juga?

Lagi satu persoalan yang menarik ialah bila Achdiat mempersoalkan tentang “hidup dalm lingkungan agama atau agama dalam lingkungan hidup?” which in context of this book, dia persoalkan adakah lebih baik hidup berlantaikan syariat, bertiangkang tariqat, beralangkan makrifat dan berbumbungkan hakikat atau, hidup yang semata-mata mempergunakan agama untuk menjaga kepentingan diri? I discussed about this with a few friends, and one of them said, kenapa tidak berada ditengah-tengah? Sebab obviously, in between dua-dua tu tak banyak bezanya. Hidup berasaskan amal, dan mengunakan amal itu sebagai kepentingan diri kau. Because by the end of the day, ko beramal bukan untuk orang, tp untuk diri sendiri.after a few days of thinking, i came to a conclussion that it’s better for you to always be in between, you have the good side on your right, and the bad side on your left,concept keseimbangan, wasatiah; kenal kepada kedua-dua, baik dan buruk.Because sometimes, you have to do something bad for something good. That’s just it.

Mungkin ada yang bertentangan dengan pendapat aku, itu hak masing-masing. Yang penting, sadarlah daripada memandang sesuatu hanya dari satu sudut, try to look at it, from a different perspective, then you will realise the things that you thought never exist, really exist. Berlaku adil pada diri sendiri, jangan sempitkan ruangan, hopefully, by the end of the day you’ll learn something new. Personality kita mungkin berbeza, tapi kita berjalan menuju satu hala yang sama bukan? Walaupun caranya berbeza-beza. Semuanya untuk Dia…Bukan?

Enough said.

We humans have this urge of being better than everyone else, which is a good thing, Ungku Aziz, in today’s newspaper mention that “orang melayu tidak ada sifat kiasu seperti orang cina, dan dengan sifat kiasu itu yang menyebabkan orang cina lebih maju dalam bidang economi dari orang melayu. Orang melayu harus ada sifat kiasu itu.” I couldn’t agree more with him, memang benar, when it comes to bringing ourselves one step closer to be better in economics or becoming better person, we are not as kiasu as we should be, but when it comes to developing the “holier-than-thou” attitude, we are the kiasuest of all kiasus…

Kiasu: when will we channel our kiasu-ism to the right place?

Members of our society have this thing about my “holier-than-thou” attitude, we loath it, but at the same time, we love it. It’s almost to be seen as a part of what makes us human, we judge people for fun, we mock other people to make it seem that they are worst than us, we laugh of other people misery to show that we are stronger, we reject other people just because their ideology would threat our believe system. Worst of all, we didn’t take a second or two to think, that perhaps, the position you are standing right now doesn’t bring you anywhere near to become a better person, just let you stay where ever you are for the rest of your life. When every one else is becoming more mature and wise, you are still the same old stupid (sorry) you.

Our urge of being holier than everyone else is costing us a lot, whether we realise it or not, this attitude of ours is turning us into a bunch of bumps, that’s why orang melayu tak maju (bukan semua), even after 30 years of implementing dasar DEB. Don’t put the lame on the name “melayu”, I heard of before some people bitch about the name “melayu”, they say, macam mana orang kita nak maju, letak nama melayu, last-last, me-layu lah kita semua.” Wake up and smell the coffee!!!! A rose will still smell nice even if you put "ass-hole" as the name!!! (I'm trying to make a point here..ok?) nama tidak menjustificasikan apa-apa, the attitude will. Manusia…manusia, we oft put the blame on others, if we can’t put it on human, we will put it on the name; that is how lame we can be.

We tend to put blame because we have that “holier-than-thou” attitude, we can’t accept any flaws, even if it is solely ours. Wiseman Za’ba mentioned that “perangai bergantung pada diri sendiri.” And that we have to look at our self, our attribute towards ourselves, our community, and Allah, before we can judge others. We bitch about too much of too many things, and by the end of the day we do nothing about it, to one extend, we’ve developed a pleasurable experience just by doing so. Kalau betul orang melayu terus me-layu, takkan ada orang seperti Ungku Aziz, Za’ba, dan lain-lain. Yang bezanya, attitude mereka towards life.

I know this one person, whom he and his wife are very close to Ungku Aziz (as he claim), he said to me one day, “kita orang melayu terlalu banyak merasa, bila dalam perucapan kita, kita menyebut, saya rasa…kita sepatutnya ikut cara orang putih, kalau mereka berucap, mereka mulakan dengan saya fikir (I think)…” and he tried to make me believe that he himself uses the “saya fikir” instead of “saya rasa”. Ok I did learn something new that day, that is yes, mungkin betul cakap dia, yang kita terlalu banyak merasa, tetapi tindak tanduk dia, tidak menunjukkan seperti orang yang berfikir. Kerana orang yang “berfikir” fitrahnya akan lebih mesra, lebih down-to-earth, and lebih decent, tetapi tidak padanya, dia lebih tinggi sifat bongkaknya, dan lebih menebal “holier-than-thou” attitude, mungkin sebab dia “fikir” that he is better than everyone else.

Our “holier-than-thou” attitude menyebabkan kita punya rasa kurang sedar diri, dan lebih bongkak. Manusia tidak punyai hak untuk membongkak, kerana by the end of the day, there is no different between you and me, we are the same, and we are still the pawn. Setiap gerak kita digerakkan oleh tangan yang tidak kelihatan, terlalu agung untuk disifatkan. Before we judge others, remember that we are not as perfect as we think, so judge yourself 1st. and when your through judging your own self, you’ll realise that you are no better than anyone else, ergo, you have no right to judge other, and hopefully you’ll manage to learn to channel your “kiasu” energy to other sector, and perhaps one of it would be on how to improve our self better. Insyaallah…

Enough said.

Believe?

I was at this kedai makan having my supper when I accidentally heard a conversation in between 2 friends who sat at the table next to me. One part of the conversation really attracted my attention, and thanks to the person who utters these words, it became a print in my memory. It goes something like this;

A: hey entahlah, pasni aku kena mintak tobat lah kat tuhan!! (laugh)
B: tulah ko balik nanti mintak lah ampun ngan tuhan ko.(serious)
A: aik? Apasal? Tuhan ko tak sama ke ngan tuhan aku? (still laughing)
B: kalau macam nilah attitude ko, I don’t think we believe in the same god kot…

BAMM!!! At that point it struck me like a thunder blot; I was stunned, and at the same time found a new respect towards the person who uttered those words. He made me think about what he said the whole week before I came up with a conclusion, and that whole week, I can’t help but to wonder…

GOD: we may believe in the same religion, but do we believe in the same god?

Astaghfirullah… jauh betul perginya, but that was the question in my head. And for that whole week, I started to pray, because I know, by having these questions, I can just do it alone, I really need the guidance from Allah himself. Alhamdulillah, aku dapat berjumpa dengan jawapan yang sekurang-kurangnya memenuhi ruang-ruang itu, untuk setakat ini.

Ok, let me go back to the basic , for us, the Muslims (also applicable to the non-believer) we were given the guideline of what Allah taala is like, all of it has been described in the sifat 20 and Asmaul-husna. It is in the nature of human being that when we are talking about a person or a thing, we tend to built up the picture as well as characteristic of the thing we are talking about, thus, we may believe in the same god, that is Allah, but DO we believe in THE same GOD? Secara hakikat nya, perkataan TUHAN itu hanya satu kata nama dan kata ganti diri yang kita letak untuk menamakan the Supreme being that we believe upon blind faith; and for different people , they have their own Supreme being worthy to be call TUHAN as well.

I know, some wouldn’t agree with what I am saying but the fact is, why must I be hypocrite about it, I remember recalling a few people who lives bertuhankan object lain selain daripada Allah taala sendiri. There are those who worship MONEY, for them money is everything, with money you can do money, when other people are suffering because they have lack of money, you can live lavishly happy with your money, so what is more powerful than the force of money? Duit adalah segala-galanya, you can even repent by just paying your zakat and give out some charity. That is all you need to buy your way to paradise.

There are also some others who worship their LOVE ones, bagi mereka orang yang mereka cintai adalah segala-galanya. Mati hidupku hanya untuk orang tersayang, ada yang sanggup starve themselves just because their loved ones tak merestui sesuatu kerjaan yang mereka lakukan. Ada yang merangkak pergi MEMINTA their love ones to love them eventhough obviously the other party is using them for their own pleasurement. Ada yang sanggup mati hanya semata their love one ran away to someone else. To love a person doesn’t justify your action to worship them. Apa guna menyembah dan menghambakan diri kepada yang berfikir mengikut kata nafsu? Itukah tuhan yang kau cari? Maaf kalau aku agak terkasar bahasa, tapi kalau sudah sampai worshiping your love ones, my suggestion would be, go to pejabat agama, fill in boring keluar Islam, dan dalam column “agama yang dianuti sekarang”, put there the name of your love one, kalau diluluskan, you are making the world latest record, that is to be the founder of a new religion. Nauzubillah…

Ada jugak yang menjadikan society as their supreme being, as most of us is. We are afraid what would the society say about us, we live by the rule set by the society even though sometimes, those rules are being made up and contradict with Allah’s will. The society is the best way of spreading this new “religion” and that everyone is obligated to go with the society instead of one’s own will as well as Allah’s. We were brought up in the mentality of it’s the way of the society is the best. What ever you do, you have to do it for the society’s greater good. To a point we’ve forgotten how does it like to be honest, to communicate, to be expressive of our own emotion, and the most importantly how to and to be love. The society emphasis on prejudice, on hate, on hypocrisy, and on anger, every element that are known to bring misery to human life.

I’m not saying that I am All-know, aku juga masih mencari. Alhamdulillah, even with my blind faith, Allah has never failed me in any way, even in my worst; he is still there to provide me his guidance. Insyaallah, kalau aku terus jujur dengan Nya, insyaallah, aku akan sampai ke destinasi yang aku tuju, hanya kesabaran dan Dia sendiri yang akan terus dan terus berjalan bersamaku.

I’m writing this not because I would want to judge, I don’t have the right for that, bukan tahap aku untuk meletakkan hukum, but it would be best for us to take a few moment and re-think, “yes, I proclaim that I believe in HIM, but do I really Bertuhankan Dia?”…

Enough said.

hanya satu...

sedar dalam lena
lena dalam sedar
bahagia dalam kalut
kalut dalam bahagia
senyum dalam menangis
menangis dalam senyum
sesat dalam tahu
tahu dalam sesat
terang dalam gelap
gelap dalam terang
sihat dalam sakit
sakit dalam sihat
takut dalam tenang
tenang dalam takut
buruk dalam baik
baik dalam buruk
nampak dalam buta
buta dalam nampak
pekak dalam dengar
dengar dalam pekak
kata dalam bisu
bisu dalam kata

dimana aku berdiri
mencari terus mencari
harap jumpa dalam mencari
dipegang tak dapat
dilihat tak nampak
didengar tak dengar
tak ada dalam ada
hati rindu terus rindu
dalam senyap aku berharap...

polite and shy?

Watched “THE” final Akademi Fantasia’s concert, was quite sad with the results. Yes, undeniably that it is Mawi’s rezeki to win all the categories, but then again, for him to win the best vocal and best performance? Are our fellows Malaysians are really that deaf and blind or are they just fanatically blind stupid? Congratulation to him for the winnings though, perhaps it was hard for him as well to receive all those winning. Amylea gave a superbly-deserving-standing-ovation performance, it was her best performance by far; and Marsha’s 1st song…whoa…

I’m writing to actually comment on neither the show nor giving my opinion on how they performed just now, but more on this thought that came through my mind after watching the crowds who went for the show just now. I realised that went it come to concerts, Malaysian’s are the worst crowd (perhaps in the whole wide world) in enjoying the bloody show. No one really knows how to stand up and dance their ass off along with the music, sing their heart out loud; all they know is just cheering (even though in the real world it is more of yelling and screaming rather than cheering). Ok, I don’t really expect everyone in Malawati Stadium to stand up and dance or sing, for crying out loud, I still have respect for the elders and those mak cik who came with tudung on their head. But I can recall vividly that there were a few concerts that I went for, the audience actually just sat still and cheered. Allah knows that if they lose their voice, it would definitely be a concert in front of a bunch of mute retards (no offence to the retards).

I wonder why are my dear fellow Malaysians really that polite and well behave? Because if my memory served me well, I can vividly recall my memories of seeing my polite fellow Malaysians dancing like a bunch of drunken junk monkey in the clubs not only around K.L, but also on the other lands that had been shone by the glory lights of a disco ball (do we still have disco ball in our clubs nowadays?). So, after recalling this vivid memory of mine, it made me wonder why on earth they sat still and do nothing in concerts. It came to my mind that perhaps, we Malaysians are nothing but just a bunch of hypocrites. (I don’t refer to all, but most of us are)

Hypocrites: were we born as one or were we train to turn into one?

Since THE beginning of time, there’s been this endless war in between the will of Allah (I keep on using this name because I am a Muslim, if you’re not a Muslim, you are welcome to change the referring name to either GOD @ Yahweh @ Jehovah @ Jesus @ anything to your preference.) and the will of the society. The will of Allah, that you are to be always true, and the will of the society that you are to show only the pretty picture even though the flesh is rotten. My dear roommate Kush try to shut my big mouth off by saying that perhaps, my fellow countrymen are just plain shy, and that kita diajar untuk sentiasa berlaku sopan. (Even though he is bugged by this puzzling phenomenon, he managed to find some soothing words to cover up the wounds.)

My only reaction to those polite words of him was, “sopan? Malu? My ass!!” ok lets talk about kesopanan a.k.a politeness shall we. Ok, undeniably that we Asians, especially Malaysians as a whole sangat mementingkan adat, adap, kesopanan dan kesusilaan, we were taught to always be polite not only to the elders, our friends, and the rest of the world, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t know how to stand up for our right. Dalam lingkungan sopan, we are expected to only show good behaviours, attitude, with smile on our faces. “anak dara jangan menyanyi kat dapur, tak elok orang dengar.” “jangan pergi menyakat anak dara orang, buruk perangai orang tengok!!” “jangan terkinja-kinja berjoget, buruk benor rupanya!!” “hey, apa benda nak menari terkinja-kinja masa tengah concert Alicia keys, kalau orang tengok nanti, dikatanya pulak esok!” O, so kalau menari masa tengah concert tu buruk rupa, tapi kalau terkinja dalam Nouvo, Zouk lawa sangat rupanya?

Kalau boleh ketepikan soal kesopanan dalam all these clubs, why can’t you put it all aside while in a concert? What’s the freaking different, because obviously, at this particular point, dosa pahala is not in your priority? Plain fake mask, plain hard cold hypocrisy. Don’t give me the b*llsh*t of being shy. To whom are you ashamed of? To the man up stairs? No…it’s the other human that will judge you…kan? Kita terlalu mementingkan adap yang terkadang agak terlampau sehinggakan kita lebih malu pada manusia lain daripada Dia sendiri. Kalau kau boleh menari terkinja dalam club dalam keadaan mabuk (bukan semua) dan tak ada perasaan malu pada Allah taala yang sentiasa melihat, yang lagi berhak untuk menerima perasaan malu kita itu dari manusia. Jujur. Honest. Kalau nawaitu dari mula is actually to have fun, why stop yourself? Why constrain yourself from having fun just because you are afraid that other people might judge you. Have you ever think that by the end of the day, the person who is judging you, is he going to have an easy time with Allah later?

I’m saying this because of I realise that more than half of the crowds in any given concerts are actually clubbers. We are brought up in a society that demands us to be perfect in everyway, though the fact that we are never and can never be perfect. I quote Yasmin Ahmad in one of her commanets in Akademi Fantasia “kesempunaan itu milik Allah taala sahaja, manusia hanya mampu untuk berlaku jujur dan ikhlas.” Ikhlas is equal to jujur, jujur is equal to honest. So if you can’t be honest to yourself, to whom should you be honest to? I read a quote that says, “If you can’t be true to yourself, you can never be true to others.”

Ambillah peluang yang Dia bagi sebaik mungkin, baik atau buruk itu hak masing-masing, but by the end of the day, who else can know what do you really want inside, your nawaitu? Allah maha mengetahui, Allah maha penyayang. If you learn to be true to yourself, He will lead you the way. He will save you from drowing, or lost. Be true to our self, it’s among the sanest thing you can do to yourself. Better be sane but a little lost rather than being insane and totally lost. Hopefully I can be true to myself always…insyaallah.

Enough said.