Aiman Syaaban Hj Azahari Manual Guide For Dummies

Aiman Syaaban Hj Azahari Manual Guide For Dummies

1. I LOVE (note that it's in capital and bold letters) my privacy and my very own personal space, i.e my room.

2. I NEED my space to unwind and think, invasion of my personal space and privacy will cause me to be dysfunctional and very pissed off.

3. expect foul languages from me when i am dysfunctional and pissed off.

4. expect EXTREME foul languages when my privacy and my personal space is being invaded by unwelcome invaders.

5. I have a MAJOR mood swing, thus leave me alone in my personal space when i am in that condition. phone calls, sms, YM messages, e-mails, fax or any sort of communication will be ignored till further notice.

6. I Hate, I repeat I HATE cheerful and happy people, especially those who are happy and cheerful for no reason at all.

7. I acknowledge the existence of people who are happy and cheerful and friendly (though i personally believe that they should be admitted in a mental asylum) , i respect their values, but i want nothing of any sort to do with them or be anywhere near them.

8. Dry, morbid sarcasm and cynicism makes me happy/ laugh/ feel warm inside.

9. I am nice on normal basis.

10. I don't believe in happy and cheerful people. i believe that the smile and the warm fuzzy attitude comes with a hidden agenda.

11. I believe it's OK to be happy and cheerful for no apparent reason at the age of 5, at the age of 10 one should start ask questions and lessen on the happy cheerful attitude, questions like "why is the color of moon sometimes look orangy" or " where do babies come from" are expected when human are of this age. At 15 bigger issues and questions should be ask like why is my name so and so, what is the meaning of my name, why was i born on so and so date, and so on and so forth. At 20 bigger and bigger questions should be asked, and the whole process repeat everyday till one finds the answers.

12. Please amuse me with interesting information and facts ( what ever you see as interesting).

13. I am not good in making small talks, I am busting my ass to learn how to do small talks, but alas, my forte is not in doing small talks.

14. I dont adopt stray from the street into my house. i don't see that as a form of charity. i organize charity donation / campaign, and give that money to the poor. that is as far as i go.

15. I am a firm believer in good manners, values and etiquette.

16. I am also a firm believer of courtesy smile.

17. I tend not to share my thoughts or feelings because for me that is private matter.

18. I don't appreciate sympathy smile/ look/ gesture/ words. things happen for a reason and it is meant for me to go through it.

19. I will try my best to conduct myself in a manner to not to step on the boundaries set by people around me and i have no intention of invading your privacy, thus i expect others to do the same to me.

20. all these may sound very individualistic, yes i know, but that is how i function.

21. I can tolerate rumors about me (for me it's a good marketing tool, there is no such thing as bad publicity) but not invasion of my private space.

22. I also can't tolerate UTTERLY shallow and idiotic people.

23. Other than that, i can actually tolerate a whole lot of shits/ packages/ things/ situation.

enough said

digging for ideas

A friend ask me to write a 10-15 minutes monologue. it's a part of the 4 monologues their are going to perform in April. having nothing else to do, i gladly accepted his offer, i was happy, saying to myself, " yes! akhirnya, something to do!" so today i sat down and started to write the script, it was all good, i was in my har-har happy land of imagination digging stuff out for the monologue, and i manage to dig out this idea of man talking about the malaysian politic and the malay dilema ( in today's context, not the Mahathir's malay dilema cause i thought it would be too heavy for the audience to digest Mahathit's version of the malay dilema), and he is a patient in a mental asylum with a multiple personality disorder and he was a politician before he was admitted.

Though i know it won't get me the Tony Award nor the Boh Cameronian Award, i thought it was a cool thing to do, a man playing 3 character and in the end audience would realise that he is actually a mental patient with multiple personality disorder who is in a mental asylum when a nurse camos in and bring him in to take his meds.

so i gave my friend - the one who asked me to write the script - to read it, after 20 minutes, he came to my room and say this, " man, aku suka idea kau, tapi aku rasa cam berat sgt dow issue dia, yang datang nnt ada dalam 3-5 sekolah asrama, aku takut bebudak takleh digest idea kau dow, lepas tu mamat ni, sapa kau nak suruh berlakon? kau ingat sini senang nak carik? aku pukul kau karang! tulis lain, kali ni yang light-light ye sayang..."

so yes, 5 minutes later, here i am, writting this entry. trying to dig another idea for the monolugue, something light-light. not something heavy and dogmatic. something straight forward, and something close to me (criteria set by that friend). so yes... i am still digging, so far no idea yet, only dirts. help, anyone?

enough said.

post US presidential election

it's 4 days after the States presidential election, Obama won, history made and that's about it. the world is still the same. nothing's changed.malaysia is still the same, the prime minister is still a man with nothing between the ears, corruption is the way of life, the poorer are getting poorer, the politician are a making fools out of the people. malaysian economy is still unstable. racial tension... u can cut it with a knife. i am still an angry person, i hate a lot of things...still.i hate it when people get too attached to me. i hate it when people get too close to me. i hate it... the jews are still killing innocent palestinian for sports, Bin Laden is still at large, muslim countries are still the poorest contries in the world, the malays are still lazy. the prime minister is still a man with nothing between the ears... ops, i've mentioned that.

as i said, other than Obama is the first african american to live in the white house soon, nothing has change. nothing, nada.


enough said.

loneliness

I met an old teacher of mine recently, few days before Raya. she was my teacher when i was in standard 1, and she told me about something i said when i was in my primary year which made me laugh my lungs out. she said " i remembered that when i was asking everyone what they want to become when they grow up, but your answer is the most hilarious." i told her that i can't remember what i said and she told me that my answer was i wanted to become my grandfather or Mahathir. "i thought you meant u wanted to become the prime minister, but u said no. u said i want to become Mahathir , not like Mahathir!" and she laugh. imagine, me the only Malay boy in a class pack with Chinese kids who wanted to become pilots, police, army, astronaut, nurse, and i am the only 1 who wanted to become Mahathir, not a job, but a person.

i have never really been a strong supporter of any political group, but my admiration onto the "mantan" prime minister has always been there. i don't know whether it's the sarcasm and cynical remarks or his genius mind, or just simply his way of bringging himself, but i just love the man. i am writting this not to tell you how much i love him, no, but something i had just realized. it was interesting that a few month back i stumble upon mahathir's blog, and i've been reading it every now and again. very much amused by the way he writes, it is as if he is sitting in front of you talking. with his sarcasm and impecable eyes for irony, he made me laugh my ass off every time i read his blog ( yes people, while other read his blog to feed their hunger on latest pilitical stew, i read his blog so that i can smile and laugh).

as i continued reading his entries, i said to myself " man...he must be a very lonely man." now, i don't mean that he is old, sad and pathetic, but i can't help but to recall what Margeret Tatcher once said "Being Prime Minister is a lonely job... you cannot lead from the crowd."

which pops out the question, if becoming a leader is a lonely job and not to mention you will be among the last people to go to heaven because you will be busy interrogated by Allah of what u have done when u were a leader, why would anyone would want to be a leader? and how do one keep a sane mind if he is a leader? with no one you can really talk to and people to trust how do u survive? do we want to discuss about the responsibility that comes along with being a leader? subhanallah.

one can only hope and pray that Allah would send a faithful and trustworthy companion and wife his way should he choose to become a leader.

"No, life may not be easy, it can be lonely. Full of people we think we know, but barely comprehend. Yet we must always remember: it's the challenges that define us best, and the obstacles that illuminate what we're truly capable of. We must welcome adversity and embrace struggle, and no matter what we get from life, never give less than 100 percent. Of course, at the end of every battle weary day, we fold ourselves into peaceful darkness and find comfort in those gentle words . . . good night. " - anon

having a lot of friends doesn't mean that you are not lonely, it just mean u have a lot of people to have small talks with, people who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about but no one to really talk to thus they write even when there's no one to read.

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i lost my fish a day before i went back for eid holiday. i think he committed suicide due to boredom and loneliness. it seem me losing people i love during or near raya is not going to stop anytime soon. seems like someone up there is still trying to tell me something and that after 16 years i still don't understand. i am hopelessly slow and stupid.


enough said.

come 27th i'm 24

so here's the thing. i dont know what is wrong with me tonight. maybe it's syaaban and it's a few days to my birthday. i'm going to officially turn 24 come 27th Syaaban. maybe it's august and my patriotic conscience suddenly work its way into my conscious mind and urge it to be heard. i dont know. but what i know is that i need to let this out cause it's been bothering me for the past few days and it's disturbing my sleeping cycle. i enjoy my sleep. thus, i need to let this out so a man can have his good night sleep again.

"abandon hope all ye who enter", it's like the words in the door of hell as describe by Dante whenever i think of Malaysia. and it's becoming worse. i love this land, as much as i hate whats going on i still love this piece of land. i love it so much that i am willing to abandon all hope as i enter it. i was reading the paper few days ago and i came across this report on Najib's statement of how we should emphasize on the al-falah concept ( correct me if I'm wrong). How we as Malaysia should actually work to achieve the Islam Hadhari that the government is preaching. wow... seriously, wow...

Big words like Islam hadhari, Al-falah, is more and more common in our daily press, and especially from our leaders, wow. for a moment, i was really impressed by our politician's speech, i was saying to myself "man, if they can actually use such big big words, they must be very intelligent! let's support these people! come on, he's actually using words i've myself never heard before, he's THAT intelligent!" but then when the other me starts to ask questions ( well, we Gemini's have dual personality, those who knows me know that i have this thing about talking to myself), the other me can't say anything. does he knows what is Hadhari? is he an example muslim that i can follow? is he a good leader like muhammad? is he going to bring peace and justice through out the land like Muhammad did, as how all the muslim leader should take example? or is he just rambling bullshit?

Again, correct me if i am wrong, Hadhari is supposedly means civilized, so islam Hadhari should meam a civilized Islam, is islam by itself not civilized ? why do we need to brand it? didn't Islam the religion itself have actually bring civilization to the whole world? i am no historian, but most of the basic understanding and concepts of science, mathematic, literature, philosophy, political science, history, social science have the finger prints of Islamic influences there. why would the government try to brand it as the "civilized " islam, i can never understand. even if i try to pretend that i understand their good-nature effort, there's still one question that is bothering me. Are we working hard enough to be that civilized muslim? are we?

in any great civilization, we can see the remnants of their art pieces, their heritage of culture, knowledge in science and great political history. so, what are we leaving for our future generation? arts? even my 5 year old sister would laugh if she hears that. tune in to any radio station, today and you can actually understand what i am saying. we are singing songs of infidelities, how one man has a part-time lover that he sees on weekdays and another partner on the weekends. there's another song about how a man is boasting about him being the great "don juan" and can get any one he desire. so yes, that's the message we are sending to our future generation. kids, be proud if u have more than one partners! be proud about it! listen to us from the graves. we know what we're talking about!

one might say to me, "aiman, u should look at out tele and films!" and i would say, "what about our tele and film?"

Dalam mana-mana ketamadunan, hirakinya adalah - rakyat, pekerja, kerajaan, seniman, dan ahli-ahli agama. but in Malaysian civilization it's - seniman, rakyat, pekerja, ahli-ahli agama, dan kerajaan. yes, the government rule supreme above all of us, even the clergy. that that is where the problem lies. don't get me wrong, I an never was a supporter of PAS, but supposedly, the clergy should comes 1st. in the end of the day we can't blame the ahli-ahli agama for their inability for not be the 1st in hierarchy. it is their own fault. i had this conversation with a friend recently and she said that she will be praying for my soul for attacking the ulama and orang agama, i tried to explain to her that i am not attacking the ulama and orang agama, i was just trying to point out why they can't make it as the 1st in the hierarchy. If, and i really hope that IF they could just correct themselves, Insyaallah, by Allah's good grace, they may rule supreme and change the whole course of the nation to become a civilized nation by Allah's and Muhammad standard.

Enough said.

what should i talk about?

so here i am, the last time i've updated my blog was somewhere in november 2007. much happened, much learned. t'was very interesting though, waiting for time to come 9.30 so that i can hop into the bus and head back to kuantan and suddenly feel like typing something down while listening to lately by stevie wonder. love this song. all thanks to kak susan.

so, where should i start? should i start talking about my journey realizing that i am mentally unstable, or should i talk about my depression, or here, should i talk about my latest additional friend, flubber?nope, dont wanna open that door. come to think of it, it would be nice to talk about my experience writing my very 1st script, nah... that would take days. well, having to bitch about my times with kak ujie would be fun if there's something to bitch about. she's been there for me, helping and holding my hand with every step i take. only Allah can repay her.

ahha! how bout the part where kush moved out and start working in kl? how bout talking about the movies i've watched and love, apu trilogy, turtles can fly, amelie, a very long engagement, hedwig and the angry inch, margot at the wedding, after the wedding... man...i wish i could write and produce something as good as the movies i watched. ouhh....yes, the kedah trip! the kedah trip was fun, devine experience actually. love every bit and moment of it. i mean how many times do u get to go to the istana kedah and listen to ur friend's gamelan composition and ur sister's lyric being sang in front of all the kings and ministers in malaysia? that was fun.

oups... i've almost forgotten bout my birthday. my 24th birthday. hahahahaha. another year older and none the wiser. well, there. in the end, i have nothing to really talk about actually. nothing really get me going lately. it's boring in an interesting way. but by far the most interesting thing so far is how Allah is teaching me directly about a lot of things, how he actually showed me the consequences of things, the whole idea of sunnatullah suddenly makes sense. alhamdulillah.

to sum up the whole thing, i'll share a very intimate secret that i hold dear to my heart

kagum aku dengan segala kebesaran
hingga aku berjanji dan bersumpah padamu
hidupku matiku hanya untuk mu
bukan aku mereka yang berpaling darimu
ku ucapkan kata-kata yang kau berikan
supaya aku sentiasa rindu padamu
tunduk segala padaku untukmu
kerana aku perlukanmu
bila bersentuh dahiku
semakin tinggi rinduku
semakin besar cintaku
semakin mahu aku padamu
aku malu pada aibku
sesal pada dosaku
mula aku harapkan tinggi darjatku
supaya aku dekat padamu
dan bila bersentuh dahiku
kata-kata dari bibirku
hanya mampu memuji
ketinggianmu keindahanmu
kalau bisa tak mahu aku
mengucapkan salam
supaya aku terus
terus memuji
terus memujuk
terus bercinta


alhamdulillah.
enough said