loneliness

I met an old teacher of mine recently, few days before Raya. she was my teacher when i was in standard 1, and she told me about something i said when i was in my primary year which made me laugh my lungs out. she said " i remembered that when i was asking everyone what they want to become when they grow up, but your answer is the most hilarious." i told her that i can't remember what i said and she told me that my answer was i wanted to become my grandfather or Mahathir. "i thought you meant u wanted to become the prime minister, but u said no. u said i want to become Mahathir , not like Mahathir!" and she laugh. imagine, me the only Malay boy in a class pack with Chinese kids who wanted to become pilots, police, army, astronaut, nurse, and i am the only 1 who wanted to become Mahathir, not a job, but a person.

i have never really been a strong supporter of any political group, but my admiration onto the "mantan" prime minister has always been there. i don't know whether it's the sarcasm and cynical remarks or his genius mind, or just simply his way of bringging himself, but i just love the man. i am writting this not to tell you how much i love him, no, but something i had just realized. it was interesting that a few month back i stumble upon mahathir's blog, and i've been reading it every now and again. very much amused by the way he writes, it is as if he is sitting in front of you talking. with his sarcasm and impecable eyes for irony, he made me laugh my ass off every time i read his blog ( yes people, while other read his blog to feed their hunger on latest pilitical stew, i read his blog so that i can smile and laugh).

as i continued reading his entries, i said to myself " man...he must be a very lonely man." now, i don't mean that he is old, sad and pathetic, but i can't help but to recall what Margeret Tatcher once said "Being Prime Minister is a lonely job... you cannot lead from the crowd."

which pops out the question, if becoming a leader is a lonely job and not to mention you will be among the last people to go to heaven because you will be busy interrogated by Allah of what u have done when u were a leader, why would anyone would want to be a leader? and how do one keep a sane mind if he is a leader? with no one you can really talk to and people to trust how do u survive? do we want to discuss about the responsibility that comes along with being a leader? subhanallah.

one can only hope and pray that Allah would send a faithful and trustworthy companion and wife his way should he choose to become a leader.

"No, life may not be easy, it can be lonely. Full of people we think we know, but barely comprehend. Yet we must always remember: it's the challenges that define us best, and the obstacles that illuminate what we're truly capable of. We must welcome adversity and embrace struggle, and no matter what we get from life, never give less than 100 percent. Of course, at the end of every battle weary day, we fold ourselves into peaceful darkness and find comfort in those gentle words . . . good night. " - anon

having a lot of friends doesn't mean that you are not lonely, it just mean u have a lot of people to have small talks with, people who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about but no one to really talk to thus they write even when there's no one to read.

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i lost my fish a day before i went back for eid holiday. i think he committed suicide due to boredom and loneliness. it seem me losing people i love during or near raya is not going to stop anytime soon. seems like someone up there is still trying to tell me something and that after 16 years i still don't understand. i am hopelessly slow and stupid.


enough said.