again.

Again, me not being lucid with so many things in my head and no one to talk to; it’s not exactly that I have no one to talk to, it’s just that I don’t know who to talk to. Yeah, some might just say, “talk to god, to your friends, to anyone you fuck head!” the truth is, I don’t know who to turn to, not even god.

Yes, time and time again, we do hear people say that god won’t ever abandon you, and I also do say that in my entries and that I have been in the search of looking for god. The question is, why am I still not being able to talk to him though I am actually looking for Him? Yes again, we go back to the very basic of looking, knowing and talking to god method --- do what He commands and leave the things He said no to. But why is it so difficult for us to do that?

I had someone said to me that because our heart has been polluted and covered in black, darkness, and evil, what ever you may call it. When we committed all those sins, it involuntarily polluted our heart with all those taint, and thus leaving our heart with all those dirt. Is my heart really that polluted that I can’t even sense god’s presence?

Why am I still doing all these if my I can really sense god’s presence? Why any of us are still breaking His rule for that matter? Is our heart really polluted with dirt of our sins that we can’t feel Allah’s presence any more? What is the better answers to why do we do all these sins? We can’t really feel His presence any more, so much so that we can just do what ever we feel like doing without any hesitation or guilt. We really take him for granted. More than we take our parents for granted. That’s our problem. That’s my problem.

At this particular moment, even I can’t comprehend the things I said, probably because my heart is too “kotor dan gelap”. But I hope Allah won’t shun me from His grace. It’s the last thing I would want to happen to me. Yet, I’m still like this. Irony isn’t it? Or just blunt pathetic.

enough said.