after 7 months

A lot had happen over the past 7 month, and everyday that passed by made me wanting to write more and more. It’s just that kak (my very own jiminy cricket) ujie said to me that don’t ever write in anger. There’s a whole explanation out of this which I’ll talk about – all in good times – later. During the past seven month, I’ve been making new friends, reading new stuff, hearing new stories, and discovering whole new things that I’ve never experienced before, which is all in all a very good 7 months of solitude.

I believe most of my friends, know about my dream of becoming not just a great actor, but a legendary director who would and could make changes in Malaysia if not the world. I would want to make the world a better place to live, filled with manusia yang alim, berilmu, peace loving, and non-prejudice and so on and so forth. A utopia others might say, but an achievable utopia I say. The question is right now is: how, can I survive and making sure that when I come to the finish line, I’ll still be in one piece, with all the good qualities and the good nawaitu? With the corruption in today’s world which is working its way into our system trying to corrupt our very core, how can one survive and reach the finish line with all the good pieces still attached?

Because I believe, all those people out there, be it politician, actor, director, musician, writer, or what ever they might be doing right now, started their journey for a good cause, but along the way they lost their sense of self and fall into the other side, and starts to infect others like plagues. Sebab aku percaya yang setiap manusia yang lahir itu pada asal kejadian dia jujur dan ikhlas, tetapi keadaan yang meng”corruput”kan the very core of that person. Some might say that I don’t make any sense, but I think my paranoia is relevant and that it is important that one knows how to protect oneself if one can feel the danger that lurks ahead, isn’t it?

I’ve discussed this with a friend, and that we came to a conclusion that in order for one to always be prepare is to always takut pada tuhan. Not in sense of takut - tuhan laknat and strike you with lighting bolt - kind of takut, but more of a - takut untuk menyakiti hati tuhan sebab tak mahu berasa jauh dari tuhan – kind of takut. Well this draws the second question: How do you stay takut pada tuhan? Because, if my memories serve me right, I have been taking god for granted, and that I have been labelled as an EVIL person by kak ujie. So there you go.

My mom always says this to me, “Don’t ever take god for granted, because god will never take you for granted.” And with my long list of dosa’s portfolio, I am conscious that I have not been following my mum’s advice. God was and always been there in the picture, but the feeling of sheer submission to not to hurt him is just not there yet. I’ve always been hoping for the absolute penyerahan itu, but it’s just not there yet.

Allah forbids, that I die as a man with a rotten soul, corrupted faith and shunned from His grace. What is the purpose of living if you are shunned away from Him; where as the whole purpose of living is solely to serve Him, with our every prayers, and work, with our every breath, tears, sweets, laughter and words. Ergo it is only fair for me to search for my way to bring me closer to god, one can always hope and pray and work at it as hard as possible, it's a long way to go i know; perhaps along the way I would find the recipe to build up the love I should have towards Allah and finally have that amount of fear that I should have in the 1^st place, or perhaps more.

enough said.