7 months later

What have i learned so far?

1. i am a self-fish bastard.

2. i am a very lazy person.

3. i am lampi (lambat pick-up)

4. i shut people out by going all mute.

5. i am a very unorganized person

6. not good in the multi-tasking department

7. have very short attention span ( i have ADD)

8. i am very forgetful

9. i procrastinate everything

10. i have no sense of guilt

11. i am stubborn

12. i am not good at relationship

and yet, after 7 months she's still here with me, patiently. hopefully i don't wear her patience thin. i know i have to improve my flaws, not for her, but for me, so that i will be a better person than i am today. though she gains nothing from it, she's still here encouraging me to overcome my flaws. thank you sayang.

enough said.

cosmic joke?

God is very funny. period. he's the best script writer and when you think He's a little bit boring, He rises up and give u a little bit of twist to tell us that He is not boring. a friend told me last night that he felt that a cosmic joke was played on him for the last 2 weeks. this friend of mine, Hadi, life revolves around he's PC. the PC is the love of he's life, no, scratch that, it is his life. so last 2 weeks, something happened to his PC, since this is not the 1st time it had happen, he with a cool head tried to look for the cause, he did everything, but nothing could lead him to what went wrong. he was worried, day after day after day, before he knew it, 2 weeks has passed and by and the world for him, is coming to an end. no willing to give up, he decided to give it one last try, he troubleshoot for the problem, and finally found out that the problem was the hard disk cable. tears ran down he's cheek, he fell down on his knees and started to wail, and God is looking at him, smilling and say "got'cha!!".

cruel practical joke? maybe, but that's just the way it is. truthfully, even i am feeling that i am a subject of a practical cosmic joke right now. everything in my life going so well, in fact i think this is the best time of my life, i am in my final semester, i am happy, i have my good friends around me, my fishes are doing great, my parents are well, nothing is wrong with my life right now and yet i couldnt't help but thinking there's something wrong with it.

have i become so bitter that when good things happen, i can't accept it? but that's the thing. i dont think that i have became bitter, because for me, when there's only good times, u have a lot more responsibility compared to when you are faced with 167435 problems. another part of me is afraid that these good times is just a preface to something really really bad. i really really hope that God is not playing a cruel practical cosmic joke on my right now, that would be very cruel and sadistic.

what makes a good friend?

what makes a good friend?

answers anyone?

if i ask kakak , her answer would be, "in any relationship, the key to succes is communication. once you are unable to communicate, the relationship is set for doom." when i asked my other friends, they agree with kakak, with the additional point of u should be able to understand your friend, u should know what they likes and dislikes, their birthday, their family, their history, their kinks, accept them for who they are , bla bla bla.

almost everyone that i asked put communication on the top list. still refering to the previous question, of what makes a good friend and comunication is a top priority of enabling u to become good friends, comes a second question, how and what do you communicate with your friends? eh, no. i think the question should be, what are thing you can communicate with your friends? or should i say what are they things you should talk to your friends? yeah, i like the 3rd one better. okey, so lets focus on that.

what are the things you should say to your friends? should you tell them something they want to hear or something that they should hear? let me give out a scenario, say A tells you about the problems that he/she is going through right now and how the whole thing is breaking him/her and that he/she is trying to be strong and hopeful, not really hopeful i think the appropriate word is believe that this whole thing will end like a fairy tale, a happy happy ending where everyone lives happily ever after. and there you are listening to the whole thing, analyzing what ever he/she says and try to look at things from a objective perspective, and you know that what he/she believes has very slim chance to happen even IF, what he/she believe is going to happen happens, you know that it is not going to happen anytime soon and that it will cost him/her a lot, and you can't stand looking at him/her being so fragile and pathetic ( i know by using this word alone makes me a very very bad friend, but i tried looking for other words, and i can't find one.)

so what should you say to him/her? should u say something that he/she WANTS to hear or something he/she SHOULD hear? to make matter worst, u have my gift of sarcastic, cycnical, harsh, dirty mouth and dont know how to honey-coat your words to the people u love. what would,could and should u say? just so u know, i have a long list of history in making people "terkedu" with what i say. though almost everytime they end up agreeing with me, but i will usually unintentionally hurt them 1st. i can't help it, on one side i come from a Minang family where words are like flying daggers aim to stab you in the chest and on the other side...well, though they are not Minang, but still what ever they say would make you suicidal, so yeah, i am the by-product of 2 family with no words censorship, somehow rather "cakap berlapik" doesn't exsist in my family dictionary, just dry morbid sarcasm, cynicism, and harsh brutal truth. try talking to my dad, 5 minutes and then you'll reach for his gun and either shoot him between the eyes or just shove the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. you can also try talking to my mum, though she's not as scary as my dad, and will always talk to you with a smile, every now and then you wish she would just poison you to death or stab you with the kitchen knife and be done with.

so, back to the main point, what should you say to your friends? should you tell them the honest thruth and hurt their feeling, might end up having a fight with him/her and be the bad friend who is not sensitive to other people feelings, though you know, that in the long run, what ever you said may save him/her from becoming more sad, and fragile and pathetic (again, is there any other words to replace this one?). Or say something they want to hear, and go along with the stupidity and encourage him/her in doing something you very well know will hurt them and continue to encourage them even when they past the line of doing something stupid and pathetic. Or not say anything and just nod along with a few, ouh, and erm and let them settle it own their own, even if they can't settle it- hey, it's none of your business- you just keep quiet, why? because you know they don't want to hear what they should hear and you dont want to say what they want to hear.

so which one of these option would a good friend chose? for me personally, it's either the first or the last one, so, i am either going to be the bad friend with foul mouth and kick you when you're down, or the self-centered, non-caring bastard. but how can i do that when it is a good friend, no, more than a good freind, a close friend in fact. some might say that if you really love your friend, and they love you back, you should be able to say just about anything, i assure you, not everyone is made and built like us, not everyone can accept hard,cold, hard truth. no wonder the old man on the mountain doesn't have any friends. it's tiring and not ZEN at all.

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i love my fishes, they are so ZEN, and soothing, and calming. the only problem they have is when i dont feed them or when i dont change the water once a week. is it weird that i like my fishes better than i like people with all the drama and what not?

enough said.

Aiman Syaaban Hj Azahari Manual Guide For Dummies

Aiman Syaaban Hj Azahari Manual Guide For Dummies

1. I LOVE (note that it's in capital and bold letters) my privacy and my very own personal space, i.e my room.

2. I NEED my space to unwind and think, invasion of my personal space and privacy will cause me to be dysfunctional and very pissed off.

3. expect foul languages from me when i am dysfunctional and pissed off.

4. expect EXTREME foul languages when my privacy and my personal space is being invaded by unwelcome invaders.

5. I have a MAJOR mood swing, thus leave me alone in my personal space when i am in that condition. phone calls, sms, YM messages, e-mails, fax or any sort of communication will be ignored till further notice.

6. I Hate, I repeat I HATE cheerful and happy people, especially those who are happy and cheerful for no reason at all.

7. I acknowledge the existence of people who are happy and cheerful and friendly (though i personally believe that they should be admitted in a mental asylum) , i respect their values, but i want nothing of any sort to do with them or be anywhere near them.

8. Dry, morbid sarcasm and cynicism makes me happy/ laugh/ feel warm inside.

9. I am nice on normal basis.

10. I don't believe in happy and cheerful people. i believe that the smile and the warm fuzzy attitude comes with a hidden agenda.

11. I believe it's OK to be happy and cheerful for no apparent reason at the age of 5, at the age of 10 one should start ask questions and lessen on the happy cheerful attitude, questions like "why is the color of moon sometimes look orangy" or " where do babies come from" are expected when human are of this age. At 15 bigger issues and questions should be ask like why is my name so and so, what is the meaning of my name, why was i born on so and so date, and so on and so forth. At 20 bigger and bigger questions should be asked, and the whole process repeat everyday till one finds the answers.

12. Please amuse me with interesting information and facts ( what ever you see as interesting).

13. I am not good in making small talks, I am busting my ass to learn how to do small talks, but alas, my forte is not in doing small talks.

14. I dont adopt stray from the street into my house. i don't see that as a form of charity. i organize charity donation / campaign, and give that money to the poor. that is as far as i go.

15. I am a firm believer in good manners, values and etiquette.

16. I am also a firm believer of courtesy smile.

17. I tend not to share my thoughts or feelings because for me that is private matter.

18. I don't appreciate sympathy smile/ look/ gesture/ words. things happen for a reason and it is meant for me to go through it.

19. I will try my best to conduct myself in a manner to not to step on the boundaries set by people around me and i have no intention of invading your privacy, thus i expect others to do the same to me.

20. all these may sound very individualistic, yes i know, but that is how i function.

21. I can tolerate rumors about me (for me it's a good marketing tool, there is no such thing as bad publicity) but not invasion of my private space.

22. I also can't tolerate UTTERLY shallow and idiotic people.

23. Other than that, i can actually tolerate a whole lot of shits/ packages/ things/ situation.

enough said

digging for ideas

A friend ask me to write a 10-15 minutes monologue. it's a part of the 4 monologues their are going to perform in April. having nothing else to do, i gladly accepted his offer, i was happy, saying to myself, " yes! akhirnya, something to do!" so today i sat down and started to write the script, it was all good, i was in my har-har happy land of imagination digging stuff out for the monologue, and i manage to dig out this idea of man talking about the malaysian politic and the malay dilema ( in today's context, not the Mahathir's malay dilema cause i thought it would be too heavy for the audience to digest Mahathit's version of the malay dilema), and he is a patient in a mental asylum with a multiple personality disorder and he was a politician before he was admitted.

Though i know it won't get me the Tony Award nor the Boh Cameronian Award, i thought it was a cool thing to do, a man playing 3 character and in the end audience would realise that he is actually a mental patient with multiple personality disorder who is in a mental asylum when a nurse camos in and bring him in to take his meds.

so i gave my friend - the one who asked me to write the script - to read it, after 20 minutes, he came to my room and say this, " man, aku suka idea kau, tapi aku rasa cam berat sgt dow issue dia, yang datang nnt ada dalam 3-5 sekolah asrama, aku takut bebudak takleh digest idea kau dow, lepas tu mamat ni, sapa kau nak suruh berlakon? kau ingat sini senang nak carik? aku pukul kau karang! tulis lain, kali ni yang light-light ye sayang..."

so yes, 5 minutes later, here i am, writting this entry. trying to dig another idea for the monolugue, something light-light. not something heavy and dogmatic. something straight forward, and something close to me (criteria set by that friend). so yes... i am still digging, so far no idea yet, only dirts. help, anyone?

enough said.

post US presidential election

it's 4 days after the States presidential election, Obama won, history made and that's about it. the world is still the same. nothing's changed.malaysia is still the same, the prime minister is still a man with nothing between the ears, corruption is the way of life, the poorer are getting poorer, the politician are a making fools out of the people. malaysian economy is still unstable. racial tension... u can cut it with a knife. i am still an angry person, i hate a lot of things...still.i hate it when people get too attached to me. i hate it when people get too close to me. i hate it... the jews are still killing innocent palestinian for sports, Bin Laden is still at large, muslim countries are still the poorest contries in the world, the malays are still lazy. the prime minister is still a man with nothing between the ears... ops, i've mentioned that.

as i said, other than Obama is the first african american to live in the white house soon, nothing has change. nothing, nada.


enough said.

loneliness

I met an old teacher of mine recently, few days before Raya. she was my teacher when i was in standard 1, and she told me about something i said when i was in my primary year which made me laugh my lungs out. she said " i remembered that when i was asking everyone what they want to become when they grow up, but your answer is the most hilarious." i told her that i can't remember what i said and she told me that my answer was i wanted to become my grandfather or Mahathir. "i thought you meant u wanted to become the prime minister, but u said no. u said i want to become Mahathir , not like Mahathir!" and she laugh. imagine, me the only Malay boy in a class pack with Chinese kids who wanted to become pilots, police, army, astronaut, nurse, and i am the only 1 who wanted to become Mahathir, not a job, but a person.

i have never really been a strong supporter of any political group, but my admiration onto the "mantan" prime minister has always been there. i don't know whether it's the sarcasm and cynical remarks or his genius mind, or just simply his way of bringging himself, but i just love the man. i am writting this not to tell you how much i love him, no, but something i had just realized. it was interesting that a few month back i stumble upon mahathir's blog, and i've been reading it every now and again. very much amused by the way he writes, it is as if he is sitting in front of you talking. with his sarcasm and impecable eyes for irony, he made me laugh my ass off every time i read his blog ( yes people, while other read his blog to feed their hunger on latest pilitical stew, i read his blog so that i can smile and laugh).

as i continued reading his entries, i said to myself " man...he must be a very lonely man." now, i don't mean that he is old, sad and pathetic, but i can't help but to recall what Margeret Tatcher once said "Being Prime Minister is a lonely job... you cannot lead from the crowd."

which pops out the question, if becoming a leader is a lonely job and not to mention you will be among the last people to go to heaven because you will be busy interrogated by Allah of what u have done when u were a leader, why would anyone would want to be a leader? and how do one keep a sane mind if he is a leader? with no one you can really talk to and people to trust how do u survive? do we want to discuss about the responsibility that comes along with being a leader? subhanallah.

one can only hope and pray that Allah would send a faithful and trustworthy companion and wife his way should he choose to become a leader.

"No, life may not be easy, it can be lonely. Full of people we think we know, but barely comprehend. Yet we must always remember: it's the challenges that define us best, and the obstacles that illuminate what we're truly capable of. We must welcome adversity and embrace struggle, and no matter what we get from life, never give less than 100 percent. Of course, at the end of every battle weary day, we fold ourselves into peaceful darkness and find comfort in those gentle words . . . good night. " - anon

having a lot of friends doesn't mean that you are not lonely, it just mean u have a lot of people to have small talks with, people who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about but no one to really talk to thus they write even when there's no one to read.

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i lost my fish a day before i went back for eid holiday. i think he committed suicide due to boredom and loneliness. it seem me losing people i love during or near raya is not going to stop anytime soon. seems like someone up there is still trying to tell me something and that after 16 years i still don't understand. i am hopelessly slow and stupid.


enough said.

come 27th i'm 24

so here's the thing. i dont know what is wrong with me tonight. maybe it's syaaban and it's a few days to my birthday. i'm going to officially turn 24 come 27th Syaaban. maybe it's august and my patriotic conscience suddenly work its way into my conscious mind and urge it to be heard. i dont know. but what i know is that i need to let this out cause it's been bothering me for the past few days and it's disturbing my sleeping cycle. i enjoy my sleep. thus, i need to let this out so a man can have his good night sleep again.

"abandon hope all ye who enter", it's like the words in the door of hell as describe by Dante whenever i think of Malaysia. and it's becoming worse. i love this land, as much as i hate whats going on i still love this piece of land. i love it so much that i am willing to abandon all hope as i enter it. i was reading the paper few days ago and i came across this report on Najib's statement of how we should emphasize on the al-falah concept ( correct me if I'm wrong). How we as Malaysia should actually work to achieve the Islam Hadhari that the government is preaching. wow... seriously, wow...

Big words like Islam hadhari, Al-falah, is more and more common in our daily press, and especially from our leaders, wow. for a moment, i was really impressed by our politician's speech, i was saying to myself "man, if they can actually use such big big words, they must be very intelligent! let's support these people! come on, he's actually using words i've myself never heard before, he's THAT intelligent!" but then when the other me starts to ask questions ( well, we Gemini's have dual personality, those who knows me know that i have this thing about talking to myself), the other me can't say anything. does he knows what is Hadhari? is he an example muslim that i can follow? is he a good leader like muhammad? is he going to bring peace and justice through out the land like Muhammad did, as how all the muslim leader should take example? or is he just rambling bullshit?

Again, correct me if i am wrong, Hadhari is supposedly means civilized, so islam Hadhari should meam a civilized Islam, is islam by itself not civilized ? why do we need to brand it? didn't Islam the religion itself have actually bring civilization to the whole world? i am no historian, but most of the basic understanding and concepts of science, mathematic, literature, philosophy, political science, history, social science have the finger prints of Islamic influences there. why would the government try to brand it as the "civilized " islam, i can never understand. even if i try to pretend that i understand their good-nature effort, there's still one question that is bothering me. Are we working hard enough to be that civilized muslim? are we?

in any great civilization, we can see the remnants of their art pieces, their heritage of culture, knowledge in science and great political history. so, what are we leaving for our future generation? arts? even my 5 year old sister would laugh if she hears that. tune in to any radio station, today and you can actually understand what i am saying. we are singing songs of infidelities, how one man has a part-time lover that he sees on weekdays and another partner on the weekends. there's another song about how a man is boasting about him being the great "don juan" and can get any one he desire. so yes, that's the message we are sending to our future generation. kids, be proud if u have more than one partners! be proud about it! listen to us from the graves. we know what we're talking about!

one might say to me, "aiman, u should look at out tele and films!" and i would say, "what about our tele and film?"

Dalam mana-mana ketamadunan, hirakinya adalah - rakyat, pekerja, kerajaan, seniman, dan ahli-ahli agama. but in Malaysian civilization it's - seniman, rakyat, pekerja, ahli-ahli agama, dan kerajaan. yes, the government rule supreme above all of us, even the clergy. that that is where the problem lies. don't get me wrong, I an never was a supporter of PAS, but supposedly, the clergy should comes 1st. in the end of the day we can't blame the ahli-ahli agama for their inability for not be the 1st in hierarchy. it is their own fault. i had this conversation with a friend recently and she said that she will be praying for my soul for attacking the ulama and orang agama, i tried to explain to her that i am not attacking the ulama and orang agama, i was just trying to point out why they can't make it as the 1st in the hierarchy. If, and i really hope that IF they could just correct themselves, Insyaallah, by Allah's good grace, they may rule supreme and change the whole course of the nation to become a civilized nation by Allah's and Muhammad standard.

Enough said.

what should i talk about?

so here i am, the last time i've updated my blog was somewhere in november 2007. much happened, much learned. t'was very interesting though, waiting for time to come 9.30 so that i can hop into the bus and head back to kuantan and suddenly feel like typing something down while listening to lately by stevie wonder. love this song. all thanks to kak susan.

so, where should i start? should i start talking about my journey realizing that i am mentally unstable, or should i talk about my depression, or here, should i talk about my latest additional friend, flubber?nope, dont wanna open that door. come to think of it, it would be nice to talk about my experience writing my very 1st script, nah... that would take days. well, having to bitch about my times with kak ujie would be fun if there's something to bitch about. she's been there for me, helping and holding my hand with every step i take. only Allah can repay her.

ahha! how bout the part where kush moved out and start working in kl? how bout talking about the movies i've watched and love, apu trilogy, turtles can fly, amelie, a very long engagement, hedwig and the angry inch, margot at the wedding, after the wedding... man...i wish i could write and produce something as good as the movies i watched. ouhh....yes, the kedah trip! the kedah trip was fun, devine experience actually. love every bit and moment of it. i mean how many times do u get to go to the istana kedah and listen to ur friend's gamelan composition and ur sister's lyric being sang in front of all the kings and ministers in malaysia? that was fun.

oups... i've almost forgotten bout my birthday. my 24th birthday. hahahahaha. another year older and none the wiser. well, there. in the end, i have nothing to really talk about actually. nothing really get me going lately. it's boring in an interesting way. but by far the most interesting thing so far is how Allah is teaching me directly about a lot of things, how he actually showed me the consequences of things, the whole idea of sunnatullah suddenly makes sense. alhamdulillah.

to sum up the whole thing, i'll share a very intimate secret that i hold dear to my heart

kagum aku dengan segala kebesaran
hingga aku berjanji dan bersumpah padamu
hidupku matiku hanya untuk mu
bukan aku mereka yang berpaling darimu
ku ucapkan kata-kata yang kau berikan
supaya aku sentiasa rindu padamu
tunduk segala padaku untukmu
kerana aku perlukanmu
bila bersentuh dahiku
semakin tinggi rinduku
semakin besar cintaku
semakin mahu aku padamu
aku malu pada aibku
sesal pada dosaku
mula aku harapkan tinggi darjatku
supaya aku dekat padamu
dan bila bersentuh dahiku
kata-kata dari bibirku
hanya mampu memuji
ketinggianmu keindahanmu
kalau bisa tak mahu aku
mengucapkan salam
supaya aku terus
terus memuji
terus memujuk
terus bercinta


alhamdulillah.
enough said

tag, i'm it..?

m bored, and tired, and feeling shitty. so i decided to make good use of my afternoon. (man... how boring my life is...)

U have to list smue bende that's of the first letter of your first name, in which case mine is A from Aiman la kan... nyehehe..Note : boy/girl name xleh same ngan ur given name. Cheers!

1. Famous Singer: Andrea Bocelli
2. Four Letter Word: Anal
3. Street: Ampang street
4. Colour: Amber
5. Gifts/Present: Ang pow
6. Vehicle: Air Plane
7. Things in Souvenir Shop: Air Plane Model
8. Boy Name: Adam
9. Girl Name: Azlin
10. Movie title: After The Wedding
11. Drink: Apple Martini
12. Occupation: Architect
13. Celebrity: Angelina Jolie
14. Magazine: Amboi ( not that i've ever read it before..)
15. U.S. City: Austin, Texas
16. Pro Sports: Archery
17. Fruit: Apples!!
18. Reason for Being Late to work: amnesia... i had amnesia
19. Something you throw away: Asshole friends
20. Something you shout: Anak Gampang! mak ko babi, bapak ko anjing!!

i think i have to tag someone after i'm done, so yeah, who ever u are who has nothing better to do at this precise moment, i tag u. tag! u're IT.

enough said.

pengapit , anyone?

so, here's the story.

last week Saturday i was at a friend's wedding. It was nice and everything, and all of the sudden i noticed something was wrong with me. something didn't feel right. so i rush up to the room and swallowed 2 uphamols (it's one of those drugs that works like panadol). even after few minutes i still feel that something was still wrong. went to the little boys room to check on my baju melayu. clear. nothing was wrong with the baju melayu. then i started wondering, why do i feel like there's something wrong? is it the crowds? is it the flower arrangements? is it the fact that i had to stand by the parents and greet all the guest? is it because i am so darn cute that it made me feel wrong? ishk. no! aiman, focus!

so there i was standing by the bride's parents (whom actually said to people that i am their anak angkat, wait... is that why i felt wrong?... nope, i just couldn't care less even if they call me their butler.) greeted the guest with my most warmest smile and my innocent charm and still there's this feeling inside telling me " aiman, there is something wrong... with u!". so as we proceed with the wedding reception there were this group of kids from Johor did a few zapin routine. it was cute and stuff but i just couldn't focus much on them with all those feeling inside me.

as the bride's (my friend) brother(also my friend) gave his welcoming speech and some word of advice to the bride and groom, it suddenly struck me. i know what was wrong with me! it was not the food! it was not because i had to entertain a person whom i never expect to see ever again in my life! it was definitely nothing wrong with the drinks, i don't think cordial drinks could get me drunk! it was then i realized, for the 1st time in my life, i feel that i want to get married! i really do wanna get married! hah! there you go. no,this is not one of those marriage of convenience i'm talking about. no, no, it's not one of my "i'll marry a bosnian, or iraqi girl and get beautiful kids and every year will celebrate raya at my house" kindda marriage. it's a marriage in a true concept. and it surprises me that i actually do wanna get married! hah! for a person who avoids commitment, i surprise myself.

for the first time in my life, i'm looking forward for a marriage, for all those fights we are going to have, for all those "i so can kill you rite now" feeling we are going to have, for all those laughters, jokes, happy tears we ( and when i say we, i meant my future wife and me) are going to have. i even look forward for those boring part of marriage, those i-think-your-dad-hates-me arguments, the "honey, i'm home and i'm tired and don't start nagging" moments. the "we just sit in front of the tv set and say nothing to each other" moment.

when i told this to my close friends, they don't know either to be happy for me or to send me to see a shrink. but all in all, i manage to drop their jaws to the floor and pick it up for them. and also, for the 1st time, i'm starting to love my twenties and looking forward for my thirties, and forties, and so on.

so, who'll volunteer to be my wedding planner and my pengapit? i'm all set and ready to get married. just one itsy bitsy problem. can you guys go and look for the girl that i would wanna get married to? any idea people? fieza? khair? en? anyone? any idea? ah, dammit!

enough said.

again.

Again, me not being lucid with so many things in my head and no one to talk to; it’s not exactly that I have no one to talk to, it’s just that I don’t know who to talk to. Yeah, some might just say, “talk to god, to your friends, to anyone you fuck head!” the truth is, I don’t know who to turn to, not even god.

Yes, time and time again, we do hear people say that god won’t ever abandon you, and I also do say that in my entries and that I have been in the search of looking for god. The question is, why am I still not being able to talk to him though I am actually looking for Him? Yes again, we go back to the very basic of looking, knowing and talking to god method --- do what He commands and leave the things He said no to. But why is it so difficult for us to do that?

I had someone said to me that because our heart has been polluted and covered in black, darkness, and evil, what ever you may call it. When we committed all those sins, it involuntarily polluted our heart with all those taint, and thus leaving our heart with all those dirt. Is my heart really that polluted that I can’t even sense god’s presence?

Why am I still doing all these if my I can really sense god’s presence? Why any of us are still breaking His rule for that matter? Is our heart really polluted with dirt of our sins that we can’t feel Allah’s presence any more? What is the better answers to why do we do all these sins? We can’t really feel His presence any more, so much so that we can just do what ever we feel like doing without any hesitation or guilt. We really take him for granted. More than we take our parents for granted. That’s our problem. That’s my problem.

At this particular moment, even I can’t comprehend the things I said, probably because my heart is too “kotor dan gelap”. But I hope Allah won’t shun me from His grace. It’s the last thing I would want to happen to me. Yet, I’m still like this. Irony isn’t it? Or just blunt pathetic.

enough said.

after 7 months

A lot had happen over the past 7 month, and everyday that passed by made me wanting to write more and more. It’s just that kak (my very own jiminy cricket) ujie said to me that don’t ever write in anger. There’s a whole explanation out of this which I’ll talk about – all in good times – later. During the past seven month, I’ve been making new friends, reading new stuff, hearing new stories, and discovering whole new things that I’ve never experienced before, which is all in all a very good 7 months of solitude.

I believe most of my friends, know about my dream of becoming not just a great actor, but a legendary director who would and could make changes in Malaysia if not the world. I would want to make the world a better place to live, filled with manusia yang alim, berilmu, peace loving, and non-prejudice and so on and so forth. A utopia others might say, but an achievable utopia I say. The question is right now is: how, can I survive and making sure that when I come to the finish line, I’ll still be in one piece, with all the good qualities and the good nawaitu? With the corruption in today’s world which is working its way into our system trying to corrupt our very core, how can one survive and reach the finish line with all the good pieces still attached?

Because I believe, all those people out there, be it politician, actor, director, musician, writer, or what ever they might be doing right now, started their journey for a good cause, but along the way they lost their sense of self and fall into the other side, and starts to infect others like plagues. Sebab aku percaya yang setiap manusia yang lahir itu pada asal kejadian dia jujur dan ikhlas, tetapi keadaan yang meng”corruput”kan the very core of that person. Some might say that I don’t make any sense, but I think my paranoia is relevant and that it is important that one knows how to protect oneself if one can feel the danger that lurks ahead, isn’t it?

I’ve discussed this with a friend, and that we came to a conclusion that in order for one to always be prepare is to always takut pada tuhan. Not in sense of takut - tuhan laknat and strike you with lighting bolt - kind of takut, but more of a - takut untuk menyakiti hati tuhan sebab tak mahu berasa jauh dari tuhan – kind of takut. Well this draws the second question: How do you stay takut pada tuhan? Because, if my memories serve me right, I have been taking god for granted, and that I have been labelled as an EVIL person by kak ujie. So there you go.

My mom always says this to me, “Don’t ever take god for granted, because god will never take you for granted.” And with my long list of dosa’s portfolio, I am conscious that I have not been following my mum’s advice. God was and always been there in the picture, but the feeling of sheer submission to not to hurt him is just not there yet. I’ve always been hoping for the absolute penyerahan itu, but it’s just not there yet.

Allah forbids, that I die as a man with a rotten soul, corrupted faith and shunned from His grace. What is the purpose of living if you are shunned away from Him; where as the whole purpose of living is solely to serve Him, with our every prayers, and work, with our every breath, tears, sweets, laughter and words. Ergo it is only fair for me to search for my way to bring me closer to god, one can always hope and pray and work at it as hard as possible, it's a long way to go i know; perhaps along the way I would find the recipe to build up the love I should have towards Allah and finally have that amount of fear that I should have in the 1^st place, or perhaps more.

enough said.

i think i'm ready!!

yeay!!
alhamdulillah, after the long rest i think i'm ready to write again.
i'm very looking forward to this weekend, coz i'm gonna sit and start writing again!!
god...i've not been writing anything for the past 7 MONTH!! gile lama, kalau perempuan mengandung tu, perut dah besar cam nak meletup dah tu.
guess i'm just a slow learner.
damn i miss blogging!!
yeay!!

there are times...

There are times, I just wanna go out and dance in the middle of the crowds. There are times, I just wanna go and scream my lungs out. There are times; I just wanna hop like a bunny in the middle of the street. There are times, I just wanna sing out loud though I’m tone deaf in the karaoke bar. Then there are times, I just wanna sit and cry…alone. There are times I just wanna disappear into thin air. There are times; I just don’t know what I want, and where I’m heading to. But most of the times, I’m just lost.

Received a message from a dear puzzle piece that says, “Miss talking to you. Miss the “walk-home” sessions with you. Miss a good crying moment with you. I miss you.” It really made my day in a very melancholic yet blissful way.

Sometimes I wonder, what would it be like if life is like a musical? Where the whole world sing with you be it when you’re sad or happy, troubled or horny. And all you’re problems are just a matter of a song. Sing your song loud enough and the whole world will hear you, and that can affect the weather, people around you will dance to the melody or at least, it could help you to cry those rivers out. What ever you feel like is projected in back ground music. And the best part is, to cheer you up is just a matter of singing “my favourite things”, “a spoon full of sugar”, “suatu hari nanti”…or any other song that gives you joyful melody or hope.

I realise that if life is like the musicals like The sound of Music, or Phantom of the opera, or Rubiah the Musical, or Puteri Gunung Ledang the Musical, it would be a very very very very noisy world, and that you can’t have a decent good night sleep. But it would be nice though if, only if we live like in the musicals. Sometimes I silently hope…

enough said.

the list of people that I miss...

I'm in my room at 4am , melayan my ex-roomate andy, can someone pass me a gun so that i could shoot my head right now!!! Me and Kush dan tak larat nak layan dia. Andy saw my blog and told us to start to pujuk him cause he wants to start merajuk with us. seriously, can someone get me a gun?!!

actually i want to make a list of the people that i miss. so i decided not to layan andy for the next 5 minutes. andy ikut suka you kalau you nak merajuk. inilah dia bahana berkawan dengan "adik-adik" baru nak menjadi... word of advise, avoid any friends of your that have the symptoms of becoming a "adik-adik"...seriously....

Aiman's Long List of People He Misses:

My late atuk, and nenek in Beserah Kuantan (may they rest in peace).
My ibu
My 4 Munchkins in the Munchkinland (Halimatun, Atiqah, Rawaidah, Insyirah)
Adam (I'm so proud of him... my little brother is gonna be a pilot!!)
Syuhada (happy birthday!! awak dah tua)
Fieza (I miss u so much my heart ache....sob sob...seriously it hurts)
Khair ( I miss Bullying you.... though you have Zul to bully you nowadays....)
E'en (the boring Californian.... i know you still cant get over the fact that i DID show up for your open house)
Din ( heard you got the job in MAS... congrats bro!!)
Leman ( god knows when are you gonna come to Melaka again)
Yasseer ( sorry I missed your wedding)
Abu ( you cant expect me not to miss you after living together for 9 bloody years)
Kume ( God knows wherever you are...)
Kakak ( the very buncit pregnant lady)
Juwita ( we have to lepak!! )
Aiman ( happy birthday bro!)
Onie ( miss your sleep-talking)
Mimin ( gedik)
Yan (same as above...kidding.hehehehehe)
Diela (hehehe...what can i say, Melaka is haven for people who wants to escape from CyberJaya)
Sara ( sara, sara, sara.... I miss u a lot... a lot....)
Zahirah ( i know Syuhada and Adam wont approve this...)
Nik ( Redzal Aswad )
Nik (Hafiz Fathi )
Wok Ley ( when am i gonna hear you on the radio???)
Apiece gogo ( miss the times we watched friends while eating nasi CD)
As ( me and kakak miss u)
Salwana (bought your postcards!!)
Siti (happy birthday tomorrow!!)
Ariep (i know you had fun with me that day!! hehehe)
Pak John ( i MISS you!!!!)
Atah ( my-tudung-wearing-but-not-so-good-girl-best-friend... she's evil)
Kak Ujie ( me need you... me need you... she's my ibu duit....)
Abg Ali ( i dont know what to say...i just miss u....)
Waq ( the most chaotic midget ever!!!)
Shrek ( i miss your sometimes-i-couldnt-understand-but-still-makes-me-laugh jokes)
Eve (duduk je Melaka, jumpa kemain susah)
Reefa ( love of my life!! hahahaha... miss u la weih....)
Siong ( welcome back bro, sorry cant find the time to lepak yet.)
Simon ( the straight but very kepoh chinese guy.. hahaha)
Shing Li (bile la nak balik...)
Shing Wei (sama la ni..tak reti nak balik Malysia)
Wendy (went to your house, but you weren't home that day)

and the list goes on.....

oh yes....
Shopping (I miss you the most....)

enough said.

i'm.......................lost. again?

Subhanallah, praise the lord!! After so long, all of the sudden the urge of writing a new entry automatically took control of my fingers and brains. I’ve miss blogging, I’ve miss pouring out all of my nonsense in my dark yet colourful page. I’ve miss my Ha-ha-happy land, I’ve miss…. I’ve missed a lot of things… a lot…

Sometimes, it’s a wonder hoe you could survive after stop seeing, or taking, or drinking something that is an essential need to you. Yea, maybe along the separation period, you tried something else that you think would and could substitute the things you’ve missed, but hell!!! It’s sure ain’t the same!! And when you think that you are getting over it, and bam!! You are back to square one…

enough said.

my blogthings test...

gave kak ujie a called just now, got to talk about a lot of things with her...man, that lady.... i just LOVE her!!! she always attacks you with mentally challenging questions... m still digesting the things she asked me just now... need a few days before i can write it down...

so, i did these few test on blogthings while digesting the informations... and these are some of the results i got...

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 100%

Greed: 80%

Wrath: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Pride: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 20%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 54%

You'll die of a yet to be discovered STD.

How Sinful Are You?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to. You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Private Dick

What's Your Porn Star Name?

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm" You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone... Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-) You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear. Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing. The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person. Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life. You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face. Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

enough said

the drop out kids...

For the last two days, I was stuck in Kem Putra- Putri Alor Gajah, In Taboh naming, Alor Gajah for the Literature and Culture Module, which is a part of the National Service program. The worst part was not it was in Alor Gajah, but the kids this time most of them are school drop outs, some of them didn’t even go to high school. The Chinese can’t understand any other languages other than mandarin. The only thing in malay thet they know is their name in Bahasa Melayu, some even nama sendiri spell salah. This is the 1st time me teaching this kids, seriously they really suck the life out of you. It was exhausting. Really, really, really exhausting.

There’s this girl in my class, a Chinese girl, she was very pretty, but she drop out from school by standard 3 and now she’s working as a GRO in one of the clubs in JB. I pity her, she stop school because her dad was an abusive drunk and the mom had to raise her and her siblings. 2 orang lagi budak perempuan habis sekolah darjah 6, lepas tu terus tak sekolah dah. Sekarang ni kerja kat salon. Dalam class tu, Cuma ada 3 orang je yang habis sekolah sampai form 5, and all 3 of them are Malay, and yes there’s this one Indian girl, Rageswary, she finish her high school as well. And she was nice, very nice.

Yang lain-lain dalam kelas tu rata-rata dah kerja, ada kerja kilang, kerja bawak lori, kerja bengkel motor, kereta. ada yang kerja jadi Along( tak tau lah along ke macai along ke, tapi not really something that you would wanna do for the rest of your life…) ada yang kerja GRO, kerja salon…macam-macam… I asked them what they will do after this, all of them replied in more or lest the same answer. “kerja la balik cikgu, nak buat apa lagi, nak belajar, sekolah pun tak habis.” “carik kerja kot, saya spm amik sastera, itu pun kantoi, tengok la, JB banyak kerja sikit. Kalau dapat Poli saya pergi la,itu pun kalau dapat, rasanya memang tak dapat (laugh).” And that laugh really struck me… “tak tau la cikgu, saya ikut abang saya jadi along ma, carik orang kutip hutang. Malam-malam pergi minum, nanti cukup duit saya ingat mau jadi tokey kedai lor…” “saya habis ni balik la kelang, kerja kat kilang balik, sini diorang bagi 300 je,baik saya duduk luar, kerja. Pastu tunggu la orang ajak kahwin.”

On the last day we did a short sketch, and won 1st prize. A little hamper. But they were really happy. The joy was like winning a 10,000 dollar prize. My lead actor, the Chinese boy was really good, though he didn’t want to participate in anything in the 1st place, but by the evening of the 1st day, he volunteered himself to play the cacat boy. He was so happy. Before I left last night, he and the other girl who left school when she was standard 3 came to me and said, “ cikgu, terima kasih. Orang tak pernah cakap elok-elok sama saya. Bapak saya selalu marah, saya punya abang tak balik rumah. cikgu macam abang, suka bagi saya ketawa.” “ cikgu, saya tak pernah menang apa-apa tau, saya sekolah cikgu tak suka sama saya, itu pasal saya tak pergi sekolah. Cikgu suka gelak-gelak sama kami. Saya suka lor… mula saya tak mau ikut sebab pikir nanti cikgu tak suka sama saya. Nanti cikgu datang JB kita pergi yam cha.”

I came back with tears in my eyes, and smile on my face. It was very bad of me to hate to go there and teach them in the 1st place. But in the end, I felt like I wanted to be there longer so that I can just be with them. They were fun, a lot of fun. Though they are drop outs, they’re good kids. They’re not problematic, they’re just misunderstood and were not given any chance… they were left out…alone.

enough said.

it's not route 66...

I really want to write something in my blog, because that is what I usually do, especially in times like this; in times when I am at the verge of going through a living hell. But every time, I want to start, it just got all messed up and misty and black… nothing but total blackness…. Dark, cold, silence….very, very dark….very, very cold…. Very, very messed up…..and did I mention dark? I know if any one of my good girlfriends are here with me, especially if khair is here in melaka with me she would definitely wants me to share the story, to share the emotions, because according to her, that would make me feel better. If fieza is here, she would have me tied to a chair with a whip in her hand and force me to shed those tears out…

But what would a whole library of words be any good if it won’t help you to make things different, what would 7 seas of tears be any help if it won’t make you feel good… they would be very, very pissed kalau diorang baca ni…hehehehehe…but what good does it make? Does it turn the wound into an ecstasy? Would it turn the bloods into wine? Does it end your nightmare with a happy ending? but then again, I can't blame them for being persistent to help, from fieza I qoute...

"u know wat they say..people come and go..but friends like THESE people..they come, but they just dont know when to go..hehehehe.."

This is a time where sparing the journey through hell by writing isn’t going to be enough… maybe it is time for me to go through hell and enjoy the scenery, be it good or bad… who knows, a journey through hell could be a fun one. I always wanted to know how and what does it look like going through hell… maybe it’s high time for me to feed that curiosity of mine…after all, pictures of Eden can be a view for sore eyes sometimes… so watch out world, the coldest bastard the world has ever know is about to have his first breakdown!!!!

One last thing before I stop, I have gotten back my other personalities (yeay!!!)… I thought I’ve lost them, apparently their just in there preparing for this breakdown… so thoughtful of them. Me and my spilt personalities…and our little journey through living hell…I say, that’s gonna be an epic.

P/s: e’en, don’t you come to melaka with parang to paksa me. Cause me won’t budge an inch…

enough said.