7 months later

What have i learned so far?

1. i am a self-fish bastard.

2. i am a very lazy person.

3. i am lampi (lambat pick-up)

4. i shut people out by going all mute.

5. i am a very unorganized person

6. not good in the multi-tasking department

7. have very short attention span ( i have ADD)

8. i am very forgetful

9. i procrastinate everything

10. i have no sense of guilt

11. i am stubborn

12. i am not good at relationship

and yet, after 7 months she's still here with me, patiently. hopefully i don't wear her patience thin. i know i have to improve my flaws, not for her, but for me, so that i will be a better person than i am today. though she gains nothing from it, she's still here encouraging me to overcome my flaws. thank you sayang.

enough said.

cosmic joke?

God is very funny. period. he's the best script writer and when you think He's a little bit boring, He rises up and give u a little bit of twist to tell us that He is not boring. a friend told me last night that he felt that a cosmic joke was played on him for the last 2 weeks. this friend of mine, Hadi, life revolves around he's PC. the PC is the love of he's life, no, scratch that, it is his life. so last 2 weeks, something happened to his PC, since this is not the 1st time it had happen, he with a cool head tried to look for the cause, he did everything, but nothing could lead him to what went wrong. he was worried, day after day after day, before he knew it, 2 weeks has passed and by and the world for him, is coming to an end. no willing to give up, he decided to give it one last try, he troubleshoot for the problem, and finally found out that the problem was the hard disk cable. tears ran down he's cheek, he fell down on his knees and started to wail, and God is looking at him, smilling and say "got'cha!!".

cruel practical joke? maybe, but that's just the way it is. truthfully, even i am feeling that i am a subject of a practical cosmic joke right now. everything in my life going so well, in fact i think this is the best time of my life, i am in my final semester, i am happy, i have my good friends around me, my fishes are doing great, my parents are well, nothing is wrong with my life right now and yet i couldnt't help but thinking there's something wrong with it.

have i become so bitter that when good things happen, i can't accept it? but that's the thing. i dont think that i have became bitter, because for me, when there's only good times, u have a lot more responsibility compared to when you are faced with 167435 problems. another part of me is afraid that these good times is just a preface to something really really bad. i really really hope that God is not playing a cruel practical cosmic joke on my right now, that would be very cruel and sadistic.

what makes a good friend?

what makes a good friend?

answers anyone?

if i ask kakak , her answer would be, "in any relationship, the key to succes is communication. once you are unable to communicate, the relationship is set for doom." when i asked my other friends, they agree with kakak, with the additional point of u should be able to understand your friend, u should know what they likes and dislikes, their birthday, their family, their history, their kinks, accept them for who they are , bla bla bla.

almost everyone that i asked put communication on the top list. still refering to the previous question, of what makes a good friend and comunication is a top priority of enabling u to become good friends, comes a second question, how and what do you communicate with your friends? eh, no. i think the question should be, what are thing you can communicate with your friends? or should i say what are they things you should talk to your friends? yeah, i like the 3rd one better. okey, so lets focus on that.

what are the things you should say to your friends? should you tell them something they want to hear or something that they should hear? let me give out a scenario, say A tells you about the problems that he/she is going through right now and how the whole thing is breaking him/her and that he/she is trying to be strong and hopeful, not really hopeful i think the appropriate word is believe that this whole thing will end like a fairy tale, a happy happy ending where everyone lives happily ever after. and there you are listening to the whole thing, analyzing what ever he/she says and try to look at things from a objective perspective, and you know that what he/she believes has very slim chance to happen even IF, what he/she believe is going to happen happens, you know that it is not going to happen anytime soon and that it will cost him/her a lot, and you can't stand looking at him/her being so fragile and pathetic ( i know by using this word alone makes me a very very bad friend, but i tried looking for other words, and i can't find one.)

so what should you say to him/her? should u say something that he/she WANTS to hear or something he/she SHOULD hear? to make matter worst, u have my gift of sarcastic, cycnical, harsh, dirty mouth and dont know how to honey-coat your words to the people u love. what would,could and should u say? just so u know, i have a long list of history in making people "terkedu" with what i say. though almost everytime they end up agreeing with me, but i will usually unintentionally hurt them 1st. i can't help it, on one side i come from a Minang family where words are like flying daggers aim to stab you in the chest and on the other side...well, though they are not Minang, but still what ever they say would make you suicidal, so yeah, i am the by-product of 2 family with no words censorship, somehow rather "cakap berlapik" doesn't exsist in my family dictionary, just dry morbid sarcasm, cynicism, and harsh brutal truth. try talking to my dad, 5 minutes and then you'll reach for his gun and either shoot him between the eyes or just shove the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. you can also try talking to my mum, though she's not as scary as my dad, and will always talk to you with a smile, every now and then you wish she would just poison you to death or stab you with the kitchen knife and be done with.

so, back to the main point, what should you say to your friends? should you tell them the honest thruth and hurt their feeling, might end up having a fight with him/her and be the bad friend who is not sensitive to other people feelings, though you know, that in the long run, what ever you said may save him/her from becoming more sad, and fragile and pathetic (again, is there any other words to replace this one?). Or say something they want to hear, and go along with the stupidity and encourage him/her in doing something you very well know will hurt them and continue to encourage them even when they past the line of doing something stupid and pathetic. Or not say anything and just nod along with a few, ouh, and erm and let them settle it own their own, even if they can't settle it- hey, it's none of your business- you just keep quiet, why? because you know they don't want to hear what they should hear and you dont want to say what they want to hear.

so which one of these option would a good friend chose? for me personally, it's either the first or the last one, so, i am either going to be the bad friend with foul mouth and kick you when you're down, or the self-centered, non-caring bastard. but how can i do that when it is a good friend, no, more than a good freind, a close friend in fact. some might say that if you really love your friend, and they love you back, you should be able to say just about anything, i assure you, not everyone is made and built like us, not everyone can accept hard,cold, hard truth. no wonder the old man on the mountain doesn't have any friends. it's tiring and not ZEN at all.

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i love my fishes, they are so ZEN, and soothing, and calming. the only problem they have is when i dont feed them or when i dont change the water once a week. is it weird that i like my fishes better than i like people with all the drama and what not?

enough said.

Aiman Syaaban Hj Azahari Manual Guide For Dummies

Aiman Syaaban Hj Azahari Manual Guide For Dummies

1. I LOVE (note that it's in capital and bold letters) my privacy and my very own personal space, i.e my room.

2. I NEED my space to unwind and think, invasion of my personal space and privacy will cause me to be dysfunctional and very pissed off.

3. expect foul languages from me when i am dysfunctional and pissed off.

4. expect EXTREME foul languages when my privacy and my personal space is being invaded by unwelcome invaders.

5. I have a MAJOR mood swing, thus leave me alone in my personal space when i am in that condition. phone calls, sms, YM messages, e-mails, fax or any sort of communication will be ignored till further notice.

6. I Hate, I repeat I HATE cheerful and happy people, especially those who are happy and cheerful for no reason at all.

7. I acknowledge the existence of people who are happy and cheerful and friendly (though i personally believe that they should be admitted in a mental asylum) , i respect their values, but i want nothing of any sort to do with them or be anywhere near them.

8. Dry, morbid sarcasm and cynicism makes me happy/ laugh/ feel warm inside.

9. I am nice on normal basis.

10. I don't believe in happy and cheerful people. i believe that the smile and the warm fuzzy attitude comes with a hidden agenda.

11. I believe it's OK to be happy and cheerful for no apparent reason at the age of 5, at the age of 10 one should start ask questions and lessen on the happy cheerful attitude, questions like "why is the color of moon sometimes look orangy" or " where do babies come from" are expected when human are of this age. At 15 bigger issues and questions should be ask like why is my name so and so, what is the meaning of my name, why was i born on so and so date, and so on and so forth. At 20 bigger and bigger questions should be asked, and the whole process repeat everyday till one finds the answers.

12. Please amuse me with interesting information and facts ( what ever you see as interesting).

13. I am not good in making small talks, I am busting my ass to learn how to do small talks, but alas, my forte is not in doing small talks.

14. I dont adopt stray from the street into my house. i don't see that as a form of charity. i organize charity donation / campaign, and give that money to the poor. that is as far as i go.

15. I am a firm believer in good manners, values and etiquette.

16. I am also a firm believer of courtesy smile.

17. I tend not to share my thoughts or feelings because for me that is private matter.

18. I don't appreciate sympathy smile/ look/ gesture/ words. things happen for a reason and it is meant for me to go through it.

19. I will try my best to conduct myself in a manner to not to step on the boundaries set by people around me and i have no intention of invading your privacy, thus i expect others to do the same to me.

20. all these may sound very individualistic, yes i know, but that is how i function.

21. I can tolerate rumors about me (for me it's a good marketing tool, there is no such thing as bad publicity) but not invasion of my private space.

22. I also can't tolerate UTTERLY shallow and idiotic people.

23. Other than that, i can actually tolerate a whole lot of shits/ packages/ things/ situation.

enough said

digging for ideas

A friend ask me to write a 10-15 minutes monologue. it's a part of the 4 monologues their are going to perform in April. having nothing else to do, i gladly accepted his offer, i was happy, saying to myself, " yes! akhirnya, something to do!" so today i sat down and started to write the script, it was all good, i was in my har-har happy land of imagination digging stuff out for the monologue, and i manage to dig out this idea of man talking about the malaysian politic and the malay dilema ( in today's context, not the Mahathir's malay dilema cause i thought it would be too heavy for the audience to digest Mahathit's version of the malay dilema), and he is a patient in a mental asylum with a multiple personality disorder and he was a politician before he was admitted.

Though i know it won't get me the Tony Award nor the Boh Cameronian Award, i thought it was a cool thing to do, a man playing 3 character and in the end audience would realise that he is actually a mental patient with multiple personality disorder who is in a mental asylum when a nurse camos in and bring him in to take his meds.

so i gave my friend - the one who asked me to write the script - to read it, after 20 minutes, he came to my room and say this, " man, aku suka idea kau, tapi aku rasa cam berat sgt dow issue dia, yang datang nnt ada dalam 3-5 sekolah asrama, aku takut bebudak takleh digest idea kau dow, lepas tu mamat ni, sapa kau nak suruh berlakon? kau ingat sini senang nak carik? aku pukul kau karang! tulis lain, kali ni yang light-light ye sayang..."

so yes, 5 minutes later, here i am, writting this entry. trying to dig another idea for the monolugue, something light-light. not something heavy and dogmatic. something straight forward, and something close to me (criteria set by that friend). so yes... i am still digging, so far no idea yet, only dirts. help, anyone?

enough said.

post US presidential election

it's 4 days after the States presidential election, Obama won, history made and that's about it. the world is still the same. nothing's changed.malaysia is still the same, the prime minister is still a man with nothing between the ears, corruption is the way of life, the poorer are getting poorer, the politician are a making fools out of the people. malaysian economy is still unstable. racial tension... u can cut it with a knife. i am still an angry person, i hate a lot of things...still.i hate it when people get too attached to me. i hate it when people get too close to me. i hate it... the jews are still killing innocent palestinian for sports, Bin Laden is still at large, muslim countries are still the poorest contries in the world, the malays are still lazy. the prime minister is still a man with nothing between the ears... ops, i've mentioned that.

as i said, other than Obama is the first african american to live in the white house soon, nothing has change. nothing, nada.


enough said.

loneliness

I met an old teacher of mine recently, few days before Raya. she was my teacher when i was in standard 1, and she told me about something i said when i was in my primary year which made me laugh my lungs out. she said " i remembered that when i was asking everyone what they want to become when they grow up, but your answer is the most hilarious." i told her that i can't remember what i said and she told me that my answer was i wanted to become my grandfather or Mahathir. "i thought you meant u wanted to become the prime minister, but u said no. u said i want to become Mahathir , not like Mahathir!" and she laugh. imagine, me the only Malay boy in a class pack with Chinese kids who wanted to become pilots, police, army, astronaut, nurse, and i am the only 1 who wanted to become Mahathir, not a job, but a person.

i have never really been a strong supporter of any political group, but my admiration onto the "mantan" prime minister has always been there. i don't know whether it's the sarcasm and cynical remarks or his genius mind, or just simply his way of bringging himself, but i just love the man. i am writting this not to tell you how much i love him, no, but something i had just realized. it was interesting that a few month back i stumble upon mahathir's blog, and i've been reading it every now and again. very much amused by the way he writes, it is as if he is sitting in front of you talking. with his sarcasm and impecable eyes for irony, he made me laugh my ass off every time i read his blog ( yes people, while other read his blog to feed their hunger on latest pilitical stew, i read his blog so that i can smile and laugh).

as i continued reading his entries, i said to myself " man...he must be a very lonely man." now, i don't mean that he is old, sad and pathetic, but i can't help but to recall what Margeret Tatcher once said "Being Prime Minister is a lonely job... you cannot lead from the crowd."

which pops out the question, if becoming a leader is a lonely job and not to mention you will be among the last people to go to heaven because you will be busy interrogated by Allah of what u have done when u were a leader, why would anyone would want to be a leader? and how do one keep a sane mind if he is a leader? with no one you can really talk to and people to trust how do u survive? do we want to discuss about the responsibility that comes along with being a leader? subhanallah.

one can only hope and pray that Allah would send a faithful and trustworthy companion and wife his way should he choose to become a leader.

"No, life may not be easy, it can be lonely. Full of people we think we know, but barely comprehend. Yet we must always remember: it's the challenges that define us best, and the obstacles that illuminate what we're truly capable of. We must welcome adversity and embrace struggle, and no matter what we get from life, never give less than 100 percent. Of course, at the end of every battle weary day, we fold ourselves into peaceful darkness and find comfort in those gentle words . . . good night. " - anon

having a lot of friends doesn't mean that you are not lonely, it just mean u have a lot of people to have small talks with, people who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about but no one to really talk to thus they write even when there's no one to read.

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i lost my fish a day before i went back for eid holiday. i think he committed suicide due to boredom and loneliness. it seem me losing people i love during or near raya is not going to stop anytime soon. seems like someone up there is still trying to tell me something and that after 16 years i still don't understand. i am hopelessly slow and stupid.


enough said.