confused mutant

7 months later

2009-09-12T16:17:00.004+08:00

What have i learned so far?

1. i am a self-fish bastard.

2. i am a very lazy person.

3. i am lampi (lambat pick-up)

4. i shut people out by going all mute.

5. i am a very unorganized person

6. not good in the multi-tasking department

7. have very short attention span ( i have ADD)

8. i am very forgetful

9. i procrastinate everything

10. i have no sense of guilt

11. i am stubborn

12. i am not good at relationship

and yet, after 7 months she's still here with me, patiently. hopefully i don't wear her patience thin. i know i have to improve my flaws, not for her, but for me, so that i will be a better person than i am today. though she gains nothing from it, she's still here encouraging me to overcome my flaws. thank you sayang.

enough said.

cosmic joke?

2009-02-24T09:32:00.002+08:00

God is very funny. period. he's the best script writer and when you think He's a little bit boring, He rises up and give u a little bit of twist to tell us that He is not boring. a friend told me last night that he felt that a cosmic joke was played on him for the last 2 weeks. this friend of mine, Hadi, life revolves around he's PC. the PC is the love of he's life, no, scratch that, it is his life. so last 2 weeks, something happened to his PC, since this is not the 1st time it had happen, he with a cool head tried to look for the cause, he did everything, but nothing could lead him to what went wrong. he was worried, day after day after day, before he knew it, 2 weeks has passed and by and the world for him, is coming to an end. no willing to give up, he decided to give it one last try, he troubleshoot for the problem, and finally found out that the problem was the hard disk cable. tears ran down he's cheek, he fell down on his knees and started to wail, and God is looking at him, smilling and say "got'cha!!".

cruel practical joke? maybe, but that's just the way it is. truthfully, even i am feeling that i am a subject of a practical cosmic joke right now. everything in my life going so well, in fact i think this is the best time of my life, i am in my final semester, i am happy, i have my good friends around me, my fishes are doing great, my parents are well, nothing is wrong with my life right now and yet i couldnt't help but thinking there's something wrong with it.

have i become so bitter that when good things happen, i can't accept it? but that's the thing. i dont think that i have became bitter, because for me, when there's only good times, u have a lot more responsibility compared to when you are faced with 167435 problems. another part of me is afraid that these good times is just a preface to something really really bad. i really really hope that God is not playing a cruel practical cosmic joke on my right now, that would be very cruel and sadistic.

what makes a good friend?

2009-01-08T00:30:00.004+08:00

what makes a good friend?

answers anyone?

if i ask kakak , her answer would be, "in any relationship, the key to succes is communication. once you are unable to communicate, the relationship is set for doom." when i asked my other friends, they agree with kakak, with the additional point of u should be able to understand your friend, u should know what they likes and dislikes, their birthday, their family, their history, their kinks, accept them for who they are , bla bla bla.

almost everyone that i asked put communication on the top list. still refering to the previous question, of what makes a good friend and comunication is a top priority of enabling u to become good friends, comes a second question, how and what do you communicate with your friends? eh, no. i think the question should be, what are thing you can communicate with your friends? or should i say what are they things you should talk to your friends? yeah, i like the 3rd one better. okey, so lets focus on that.

what are the things you should say to your friends? should you tell them something they want to hear or something that they should hear? let me give out a scenario, say A tells you about the problems that he/she is going through right now and how the whole thing is breaking him/her and that he/she is trying to be strong and hopeful, not really hopeful i think the appropriate word is believe that this whole thing will end like a fairy tale, a happy happy ending where everyone lives happily ever after. and there you are listening to the whole thing, analyzing what ever he/she says and try to look at things from a objective perspective, and you know that what he/she believes has very slim chance to happen even IF, what he/she believe is going to happen happens, you know that it is not going to happen anytime soon and that it will cost him/her a lot, and you can't stand looking at him/her being so fragile and pathetic ( i know by using this word alone makes me a very very bad friend, but i tried looking for other words, and i can't find one.)

so what should you say to him/her? should u say something that he/she WANTS to hear or something he/she SHOULD hear? to make matter worst, u have my gift of sarcastic, cycnical, harsh, dirty mouth and dont know how to honey-coat your words to the people u love. what would,could and should u say? just so u know, i have a long list of history in making people "terkedu" with what i say. though almost everytime they end up agreeing with me, but i will usually unintentionally hurt them 1st. i can't help it, on one side i come from a Minang family where words are like flying daggers aim to stab you in the chest and on the other side...well, though they are not Minang, but still what ever they say would make you suicidal, so yeah, i am the by-product of 2 family with no words censorship, somehow rather "cakap berlapik" doesn't exsist in my family dictionary, just dry morbid sarcasm, cynicism, and harsh brutal truth. try talking to my dad, 5 minutes and then you'll reach for his gun and either shoot him between the eyes or just shove the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. you can also try talking to my mum, though she's not as scary as my dad, and will always talk to you with a smile, every now and then you wish she would just poison you to death or stab you with the kitchen knife and be done with.

so, back to the main point, what should you say to your friends? should you tell them the honest thruth and hurt their feeling, might end up having a fight with him/her and be the bad friend who is not sensitive to other people feelings, though you know, that in the long run, what ever you said may save him/her from becoming more sad, and fragile and pathetic (again, is there any other words to replace this one?). Or say something they want to hear, and go along with the stupidity and encourage him/her in doing something you very well know will hurt them and continue to encourage them even when they past the line of doing something stupid and pathetic. Or not say anything and just nod along with a few, ouh, and erm and let them settle it own their own, even if they can't settle it- hey, it's none of your business- you just keep quiet, why? because you know they don't want to hear what they should hear and you dont want to say what they want to hear.

so which one of these option would a good friend chose? for me personally, it's either the first or the last one, so, i am either going to be the bad friend with foul mouth and kick you when you're down, or the self-centered, non-caring bastard. but how can i do that when it is a good friend, no, more than a good freind, a close friend in fact. some might say that if you really love your friend, and they love you back, you should be able to say just about anything, i assure you, not everyone is made and built like us, not everyone can accept hard,cold, hard truth. no wonder the old man on the mountain doesn't have any friends. it's tiring and not ZEN at all.

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i love my fishes, they are so ZEN, and soothing, and calming. the only problem they have is when i dont feed them or when i dont change the water once a week. is it weird that i like my fishes better than i like people with all the drama and what not?

enough said.

Aiman Syaaban Hj Azahari Manual Guide For Dummies

2008-12-12T02:41:00.003+08:00

Aiman Syaaban Hj Azahari Manual Guide For Dummies

1. I LOVE (note that it's in capital and bold letters) my privacy and my very own personal space, i.e my room.

2. I NEED my space to unwind and think, invasion of my personal space and privacy will cause me to be dysfunctional and very pissed off.

3. expect foul languages from me when i am dysfunctional and pissed off.

4. expect EXTREME foul languages when my privacy and my personal space is being invaded by unwelcome invaders.

5. I have a MAJOR mood swing, thus leave me alone in my personal space when i am in that condition. phone calls, sms, YM messages, e-mails, fax or any sort of communication will be ignored till further notice.

6. I Hate, I repeat I HATE cheerful and happy people, especially those who are happy and cheerful for no reason at all.

7. I acknowledge the existence of people who are happy and cheerful and friendly (though i personally believe that they should be admitted in a mental asylum) , i respect their values, but i want nothing of any sort to do with them or be anywhere near them.

8. Dry, morbid sarcasm and cynicism makes me happy/ laugh/ feel warm inside.

9. I am nice on normal basis.

10. I don't believe in happy and cheerful people. i believe that the smile and the warm fuzzy attitude comes with a hidden agenda.

11. I believe it's OK to be happy and cheerful for no apparent reason at the age of 5, at the age of 10 one should start ask questions and lessen on the happy cheerful attitude, questions like "why is the color of moon sometimes look orangy" or " where do babies come from" are expected when human are of this age. At 15 bigger issues and questions should be ask like why is my name so and so, what is the meaning of my name, why was i born on so and so date, and so on and so forth. At 20 bigger and bigger questions should be asked, and the whole process repeat everyday till one finds the answers.

12. Please amuse me with interesting information and facts ( what ever you see as interesting).

13. I am not good in making small talks, I am busting my ass to learn how to do small talks, but alas, my forte is not in doing small talks.

14. I dont adopt stray from the street into my house. i don't see that as a form of charity. i organize charity donation / campaign, and give that money to the poor. that is as far as i go.

15. I am a firm believer in good manners, values and etiquette.

16. I am also a firm believer of courtesy smile.

17. I tend not to share my thoughts or feelings because for me that is private matter.

18. I don't appreciate sympathy smile/ look/ gesture/ words. things happen for a reason and it is meant for me to go through it.

19. I will try my best to conduct myself in a manner to not to step on the boundaries set by people around me and i have no intention of invading your privacy, thus i expect others to do the same to me.

20. all these may sound very individualistic, yes i know, but that is how i function.

21. I can tolerate rumors about me (for me it's a good marketing tool, there is no such thing as bad publicity) but not invasion of my private space.

22. I also can't tolerate UTTERLY shallow and idiotic people.

23. Other than that, i can actually tolerate a whole lot of shits/ packages/ things/ situation.

enough said

digging for ideas

2008-12-03T15:19:00.003+08:00

A friend ask me to write a 10-15 minutes monologue. it's a part of the 4 monologues their are going to perform in April. having nothing else to do, i gladly accepted his offer, i was happy, saying to myself, " yes! akhirnya, something to do!" so today i sat down and started to write the script, it was all good, i was in my har-har happy land of imagination digging stuff out for the monologue, and i manage to dig out this idea of man talking about the malaysian politic and the malay dilema ( in today's context, not the Mahathir's malay dilema cause i thought it would be too heavy for the audience to digest Mahathit's version of the malay dilema), and he is a patient in a mental asylum with a multiple personality disorder and he was a politician before he was admitted.

Though i know it won't get me the Tony Award nor the Boh Cameronian Award, i thought it was a cool thing to do, a man playing 3 character and in the end audience would realise that he is actually a mental patient with multiple personality disorder who is in a mental asylum when a nurse camos in and bring him in to take his meds.

so i gave my friend - the one who asked me to write the script - to read it, after 20 minutes, he came to my room and say this, " man, aku suka idea kau, tapi aku rasa cam berat sgt dow issue dia, yang datang nnt ada dalam 3-5 sekolah asrama, aku takut bebudak takleh digest idea kau dow, lepas tu mamat ni, sapa kau nak suruh berlakon? kau ingat sini senang nak carik? aku pukul kau karang! tulis lain, kali ni yang light-light ye sayang..."

so yes, 5 minutes later, here i am, writting this entry. trying to dig another idea for the monolugue, something light-light. not something heavy and dogmatic. something straight forward, and something close to me (criteria set by that friend). so yes... i am still digging, so far no idea yet, only dirts. help, anyone?

enough said.

post US presidential election

2008-11-08T22:21:00.002+08:00

it's 4 days after the States presidential election, Obama won, history made and that's about it. the world is still the same. nothing's changed.malaysia is still the same, the prime minister is still a man with nothing between the ears, corruption is the way of life, the poorer are getting poorer, the politician are a making fools out of the people. malaysian economy is still unstable. racial tension... u can cut it with a knife. i am still an angry person, i hate a lot of things...still.i hate it when people get too attached to me. i hate it when people get too close to me. i hate it... the jews are still killing innocent palestinian for sports, Bin Laden is still at large, muslim countries are still the poorest contries in the world, the malays are still lazy. the prime minister is still a man with nothing between the ears... ops, i've mentioned that.

as i said, other than Obama is the first african american to live in the white house soon, nothing has change. nothing, nada.

enough said.

loneliness

2008-10-07T15:34:00.003+08:00

I met an old teacher of mine recently, few days before Raya. she was my teacher when i was in standard 1, and she told me about something i said when i was in my primary year which made me laugh my lungs out. she said " i remembered that when i was asking everyone what they want to become when they grow up, but your answer is the most hilarious." i told her that i can't remember what i said and she told me that my answer was i wanted to become my grandfather or Mahathir. "i thought you meant u wanted to become the prime minister, but u said no. u said i want to become Mahathir , not like Mahathir!" and she laugh. imagine, me the only Malay boy in a class pack with Chinese kids who wanted to become pilots, police, army, astronaut, nurse, and i am the only 1 who wanted to become Mahathir, not a job, but a person.

i have never really been a strong supporter of any political group, but my admiration onto the "mantan" prime minister has always been there. i don't know whether it's the sarcasm and cynical remarks or his genius mind, or just simply his way of bringging himself, but i just love the man. i am writting this not to tell you how much i love him, no, but something i had just realized. it was interesting that a few month back i stumble upon mahathir's blog, and i've been reading it every now and again. very much amused by the way he writes, it is as if he is sitting in front of you talking. with his sarcasm and impecable eyes for irony, he made me laugh my ass off every time i read his blog ( yes people, while other read his blog to feed their hunger on latest pilitical stew, i read his blog so that i can smile and laugh).

as i continued reading his entries, i said to myself " man...he must be a very lonely man." now, i don't mean that he is old, sad and pathetic, but i can't help but to recall what Margeret Tatcher once said "Being Prime Minister is a lonely job... you cannot lead from the crowd."

which pops out the question, if becoming a leader is a lonely job and not to mention you will be among the last people to go to heaven because you will be busy interrogated by Allah of what u have done when u were a leader, why would anyone would want to be a leader? and how do one keep a sane mind if he is a leader? with no one you can really talk to and people to trust how do u survive? do we want to discuss about the responsibility that comes along with being a leader? subhanallah.

one can only hope and pray that Allah would send a faithful and trustworthy companion and wife his way should he choose to become a leader.

"No, life may not be easy, it can be lonely. Full of people we think we know, but barely comprehend. Yet we must always remember: it's the challenges that define us best, and the obstacles that illuminate what we're truly capable of. We must welcome adversity and embrace struggle, and no matter what we get from life, never give less than 100 percent. Of course, at the end of every battle weary day, we fold ourselves into peaceful darkness and find comfort in those gentle words . . . good night. " - anon

having a lot of friends doesn't mean that you are not lonely, it just mean u have a lot of people to have small talks with, people who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about but no one to really talk to thus they write even when there's no one to read.

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i lost my fish a day before i went back for eid holiday. i think he committed suicide due to boredom and loneliness. it seem me losing people i love during or near raya is not going to stop anytime soon. seems like someone up there is still trying to tell me something and that after 16 years i still don't understand. i am hopelessly slow and stupid.

enough said.

come 27th i'm 24

2008-08-26T05:51:00.004+08:00

so here's the thing. i dont know what is wrong with me tonight. maybe it's syaaban and it's a few days to my birthday. i'm going to officially turn 24 come 27th Syaaban. maybe it's august and my patriotic conscience suddenly work its way into my conscious mind and urge it to be heard. i dont know. but what i know is that i need to let this out cause it's been bothering me for the past few days and it's disturbing my sleeping cycle. i enjoy my sleep. thus, i need to let this out so a man can have his good night sleep again.

"abandon hope all ye who enter", it's like the words in the door of hell as describe by Dante whenever i think of Malaysia. and it's becoming worse. i love this land, as much as i hate whats going on i still love this piece of land. i love it so much that i am willing to abandon all hope as i enter it. i was reading the paper few days ago and i came across this report on Najib's statement of how we should emphasize on the al-falah concept ( correct me if I'm wrong). How we as Malaysia should actually work to achieve the Islam Hadhari that the government is preaching. wow... seriously, wow...

Big words like Islam hadhari, Al-falah, is more and more common in our daily press, and especially from our leaders, wow. for a moment, i was really impressed by our politician's speech, i was saying to myself "man, if they can actually use such big big words, they must be very intelligent! let's support these people! come on, he's actually using words i've myself never heard before, he's THAT intelligent!" but then when the other me starts to ask questions ( well, we Gemini's have dual personality, those who knows me know that i have this thing about talking to myself), the other me can't say anything. does he knows what is Hadhari? is he an example muslim that i can follow? is he a good leader like muhammad? is he going to bring peace and justice through out the land like Muhammad did, as how all the muslim leader should take example? or is he just rambling bullshit?

Again, correct me if i am wrong, Hadhari is supposedly means civilized, so islam Hadhari should meam a civilized Islam, is islam by itself not civilized ? why do we need to brand it? didn't Islam the religion itself have actually bring civilization to the whole world? i am no historian, but most of the basic understanding and concepts of science, mathematic, literature, philosophy, political science, history, social science have the finger prints of Islamic influences there. why would the government try to brand it as the "civilized " islam, i can never understand. even if i try to pretend that i understand their good-nature effort, there's still one question that is bothering me. Are we working hard enough to be that civilized muslim? are we?

in any great civilization, we can see the remnants of their art pieces, their heritage of culture, knowledge in science and great political history. so, what are we leaving for our future generation? arts? even my 5 year old sister would laugh if she hears that. tune in to any radio station, today and you can actually understand what i am saying. we are singing songs of infidelities, how one man has a part-time lover that he sees on weekdays and another partner on the weekends. there's another song about how a man is boasting about him being the great "don juan" and can get any one he desire. so yes, that's the message we are sending to our future generation. kids, be proud if u have more than one partners! be proud about it! listen to us from the graves. we know what we're talking about!

one might say to me, "aiman, u should look at out tele and films!" and i would say, "what about our tele and film?"

Dalam mana-mana ketamadunan, hirakinya adalah - rakyat, pekerja, kerajaan, seniman, dan ahli-ahli agama. but in Malaysian civilization it's - seniman, rakyat, pekerja, ahli-ahli agama, dan kerajaan. yes, the government rule supreme above all of us, even the clergy. that that is where the problem lies. don't get me wrong, I an never was a supporter of PAS, but supposedly, the clergy should comes 1st. in the end of the day we can't blame the ahli-ahli agama for their inability for not be the 1st in hierarchy. it is their own fault. i had this conversation with a friend recently and she said that she will be praying for my soul for attacking the ulama and orang agama, i tried to explain to her that i am not attacking the ulama and orang agama, i was just trying to point out why they can't make it as the 1st in the hierarchy. If, and i really hope that IF they could just correct themselves, Insyaallah, by Allah's good grace, they may rule supreme and change the whole course of the nation to become a civilized nation by Allah's and Muhammad standard.

Enough said.

what should i talk about?

2008-07-26T04:02:00.002+08:00

so here i am, the last time i've updated my blog was somewhere in november 2007. much happened, much learned. t'was very interesting though, waiting for time to come 9.30 so that i can hop into the bus and head back to kuantan and suddenly feel like typing something down while listening to lately by stevie wonder. love this song. all thanks to kak susan.

so, where should i start? should i start talking about my journey realizing that i am mentally unstable, or should i talk about my depression, or here, should i talk about my latest additional friend, flubber?nope, dont wanna open that door. come to think of it, it would be nice to talk about my experience writing my very 1st script, nah... that would take days. well, having to bitch about my times with kak ujie would be fun if there's something to bitch about. she's been there for me, helping and holding my hand with every step i take. only Allah can repay her.

ahha! how bout the part where kush moved out and start working in kl? how bout talking about the movies i've watched and love, apu trilogy, turtles can fly, amelie, a very long engagement, hedwig and the angry inch, margot at the wedding, after the wedding... man...i wish i could write and produce something as good as the movies i watched. ouhh....yes, the kedah trip! the kedah trip was fun, devine experience actually. love every bit and moment of it. i mean how many times do u get to go to the istana kedah and listen to ur friend's gamelan composition and ur sister's lyric being sang in front of all the kings and ministers in malaysia? that was fun.

oups... i've almost forgotten bout my birthday. my 24th birthday. hahahahaha. another year older and none the wiser. well, there. in the end, i have nothing to really talk about actually. nothing really get me going lately. it's boring in an interesting way. but by far the most interesting thing so far is how Allah is teaching me directly about a lot of things, how he actually showed me the consequences of things, the whole idea of sunnatullah suddenly makes sense. alhamdulillah.

to sum up the whole thing, i'll share a very intimate secret that i hold dear to my heart

kagum aku dengan segala kebesaran
hingga aku berjanji dan bersumpah padamu
hidupku matiku hanya untuk mu
bukan aku mereka yang berpaling darimu
ku ucapkan kata-kata yang kau berikan
supaya aku sentiasa rindu padamu
tunduk segala padaku untukmu
kerana aku perlukanmu
bila bersentuh dahiku
semakin tinggi rinduku
semakin besar cintaku
semakin mahu aku padamu
aku malu pada aibku
sesal pada dosaku
mula aku harapkan tinggi darjatku
supaya aku dekat padamu
dan bila bersentuh dahiku
kata-kata dari bibirku
hanya mampu memuji
ketinggianmu keindahanmu
kalau bisa tak mahu aku
mengucapkan salam
supaya aku terus
terus memuji
terus memujuk
terus bercinta

alhamdulillah.
enough said

tag, i'm it..?

2007-11-30T13:10:00.000+08:00

m bored, and tired, and feeling shitty. so i decided to make good use of my afternoon. (man... how boring my life is...)

U have to list smue bende that's of the first letter of your first name, in which case mine is A from Aiman la kan... nyehehe..Note : boy/girl name xleh same ngan ur given name. Cheers!

1. Famous Singer: Andrea Bocelli
2. Four Letter Word: Anal
3. Street: Ampang street
4. Colour: Amber
5. Gifts/Present: Ang pow
6. Vehicle: Air Plane
7. Things in Souvenir Shop: Air Plane Model
8. Boy Name: Adam
9. Girl Name: Azlin
10. Movie title: After The Wedding
11. Drink: Apple Martini
12. Occupation: Architect
13. Celebrity: Angelina Jolie
14. Magazine: Amboi ( not that i've ever read it before..)
15. U.S. City: Austin, Texas
16. Pro Sports: Archery
17. Fruit: Apples!!
18. Reason for Being Late to work: amnesia... i had amnesia
19. Something you throw away: Asshole friends
20. Something you shout: Anak Gampang! mak ko babi, bapak ko anjing!!

i think i have to tag someone after i'm done, so yeah, who ever u are who has nothing better to do at this precise moment, i tag u. tag! u're IT.

enough said.

pengapit , anyone?

2007-11-24T18:06:00.000+08:00

so, here's the story.

last week Saturday i was at a friend's wedding. It was nice and everything, and all of the sudden i noticed something was wrong with me. something didn't feel right. so i rush up to the room and swallowed 2 uphamols (it's one of those drugs that works like panadol). even after few minutes i still feel that something was still wrong. went to the little boys room to check on my baju melayu. clear. nothing was wrong with the baju melayu. then i started wondering, why do i feel like there's something wrong? is it the crowds? is it the flower arrangements? is it the fact that i had to stand by the parents and greet all the guest? is it because i am so darn cute that it made me feel wrong? ishk. no! aiman, focus!

so there i was standing by the bride's parents (whom actually said to people that i am their anak angkat, wait... is that why i felt wrong?... nope, i just couldn't care less even if they call me their butler.) greeted the guest with my most warmest smile and my innocent charm and still there's this feeling inside telling me " aiman, there is something wrong... with u!". so as we proceed with the wedding reception there were this group of kids from Johor did a few zapin routine. it was cute and stuff but i just couldn't focus much on them with all those feeling inside me.

as the bride's (my friend) brother(also my friend) gave his welcoming speech and some word of advice to the bride and groom, it suddenly struck me. i know what was wrong with me! it was not the food! it was not because i had to entertain a person whom i never expect to see ever again in my life! it was definitely nothing wrong with the drinks, i don't think cordial drinks could get me drunk! it was then i realized, for the 1st time in my life, i feel that i want to get married! i really do wanna get married! hah! there you go. no,this is not one of those marriage of convenience i'm talking about. no, no, it's not one of my "i'll marry a bosnian, or iraqi girl and get beautiful kids and every year will celebrate raya at my house" kindda marriage. it's a marriage in a true concept. and it surprises me that i actually do wanna get married! hah! for a person who avoids commitment, i surprise myself.

for the first time in my life, i'm looking forward for a marriage, for all those fights we are going to have, for all those "i so can kill you rite now" feeling we are going to have, for all those laughters, jokes, happy tears we ( and when i say we, i meant my future wife and me) are going to have. i even look forward for those boring part of marriage, those i-think-your-dad-hates-me arguments, the "honey, i'm home and i'm tired and don't start nagging" moments. the "we just sit in front of the tv set and say nothing to each other" moment.

when i told this to my close friends, they don't know either to be happy for me or to send me to see a shrink. but all in all, i manage to drop their jaws to the floor and pick it up for them. and also, for the 1st time, i'm starting to love my twenties and looking forward for my thirties, and forties, and so on.

so, who'll volunteer to be my wedding planner and my pengapit? i'm all set and ready to get married. just one itsy bitsy problem. can you guys go and look for the girl that i would wanna get married to? any idea people? fieza? khair? en? anyone? any idea? ah, dammit!

enough said.

again.

2007-11-08T04:02:00.000+08:00

Again, me not being lucid with so many things in my head and no one to talk to; it’s not exactly that I have no one to talk to, it’s just that I don’t know who to talk to. Yeah, some might just say, “talk to god, to your friends, to anyone you fuck head!” the truth is, I don’t know who to turn to, not even god.

Yes, time and time again, we do hear people say that god won’t ever abandon you, and I also do say that in my entries and that I have been in the search of looking for god. The question is, why am I still not being able to talk to him though I am actually looking for Him? Yes again, we go back to the very basic of looking, knowing and talking to god method --- do what He commands and leave the things He said no to. But why is it so difficult for us to do that?

I had someone said to me that because our heart has been polluted and covered in black, darkness, and evil, what ever you may call it. When we committed all those sins, it involuntarily polluted our heart with all those taint, and thus leaving our heart with all those dirt. Is my heart really that polluted that I can’t even sense god’s presence?

Why am I still doing all these if my I can really sense god’s presence? Why any of us are still breaking His rule for that matter? Is our heart really polluted with dirt of our sins that we can’t feel Allah’s presence any more? What is the better answers to why do we do all these sins? We can’t really feel His presence any more, so much so that we can just do what ever we feel like doing without any hesitation or guilt. We really take him for granted. More than we take our parents for granted. That’s our problem. That’s my problem.

At this particular moment, even I can’t comprehend the things I said, probably because my heart is too “kotor dan gelap”. But I hope Allah won’t shun me from His grace. It’s the last thing I would want to happen to me. Yet, I’m still like this. Irony isn’t it? Or just blunt pathetic.

enough said.

after 7 months

2007-09-25T06:05:00.000+08:00

A lot had happen over the past 7 month, and everyday that passed by made me wanting to write more and more. It’s just that kak (my very own jiminy cricket) ujie said to me that don’t ever write in anger. There’s a whole explanation out of this which I’ll talk about – all in good times – later. During the past seven month, I’ve been making new friends, reading new stuff, hearing new stories, and discovering whole new things that I’ve never experienced before, which is all in all a very good 7 months of solitude.

I believe most of my friends, know about my dream of becoming not just a great actor, but a legendary director who would and could make changes in Malaysia if not the world. I would want to make the world a better place to live, filled with manusia yang alim, berilmu, peace loving, and non-prejudice and so on and so forth. A utopia others might say, but an achievable utopia I say. The question is right now is: how, can I survive and making sure that when I come to the finish line, I’ll still be in one piece, with all the good qualities and the good nawaitu? With the corruption in today’s world which is working its way into our system trying to corrupt our very core, how can one survive and reach the finish line with all the good pieces still attached?

Because I believe, all those people out there, be it politician, actor, director, musician, writer, or what ever they might be doing right now, started their journey for a good cause, but along the way they lost their sense of self and fall into the other side, and starts to infect others like plagues. Sebab aku percaya yang setiap manusia yang lahir itu pada asal kejadian dia jujur dan ikhlas, tetapi keadaan yang meng”corruput”kan the very core of that person. Some might say that I don’t make any sense, but I think my paranoia is relevant and that it is important that one knows how to protect oneself if one can feel the danger that lurks ahead, isn’t it?

I’ve discussed this with a friend, and that we came to a conclusion that in order for one to always be prepare is to always takut pada tuhan. Not in sense of takut - tuhan laknat and strike you with lighting bolt - kind of takut, but more of a - takut untuk menyakiti hati tuhan sebab tak mahu berasa jauh dari tuhan – kind of takut. Well this draws the second question: How do you stay takut pada tuhan? Because, if my memories serve me right, I have been taking god for granted, and that I have been labelled as an EVIL person by kak ujie. So there you go.

My mom always says this to me, “Don’t ever take god for granted, because god will never take you for granted.” And with my long list of dosa’s portfolio, I am conscious that I have not been following my mum’s advice. God was and always been there in the picture, but the feeling of sheer submission to not to hurt him is just not there yet. I’ve always been hoping for the absolute penyerahan itu, but it’s just not there yet.

Allah forbids, that I die as a man with a rotten soul, corrupted faith and shunned from His grace. What is the purpose of living if you are shunned away from Him; where as the whole purpose of living is solely to serve Him, with our every prayers, and work, with our every breath, tears, sweets, laughter and words. Ergo it is only fair for me to search for my way to bring me closer to god, one can always hope and pray and work at it as hard as possible, it's a long way to go i know; perhaps along the way I would find the recipe to build up the love I should have towards Allah and finally have that amount of fear that I should have in the 1^st place, or perhaps more.

enough said.

i think i'm ready!!

2007-09-21T04:18:00.000+08:00

yeay!!
alhamdulillah, after the long rest i think i'm ready to write again.
i'm very looking forward to this weekend, coz i'm gonna sit and start writing again!!
god...i've not been writing anything for the past 7 MONTH!! gile lama, kalau perempuan mengandung tu, perut dah besar cam nak meletup dah tu.
guess i'm just a slow learner.
damn i miss blogging!!
yeay!!

there are times...

2007-02-24T05:48:00.000+08:00

There are times, I just wanna go out and dance in the middle of the crowds. There are times, I just wanna go and scream my lungs out. There are times; I just wanna hop like a bunny in the middle of the street. There are times, I just wanna sing out loud though I’m tone deaf in the karaoke bar. Then there are times, I just wanna sit and cry…alone. There are times I just wanna disappear into thin air. There are times; I just don’t know what I want, and where I’m heading to. But most of the times, I’m just lost.

Received a message from a dear puzzle piece that says, “Miss talking to you. Miss the “walk-home” sessions with you. Miss a good crying moment with you. I miss you.” It really made my day in a very melancholic yet blissful way.

Sometimes I wonder, what would it be like if life is like a musical? Where the whole world sing with you be it when you’re sad or happy, troubled or horny. And all you’re problems are just a matter of a song. Sing your song loud enough and the whole world will hear you, and that can affect the weather, people around you will dance to the melody or at least, it could help you to cry those rivers out. What ever you feel like is projected in back ground music. And the best part is, to cheer you up is just a matter of singing “my favourite things”, “a spoon full of sugar”, “suatu hari nanti”…or any other song that gives you joyful melody or hope.

I realise that if life is like the musicals like The sound of Music, or Phantom of the opera, or Rubiah the Musical, or Puteri Gunung Ledang the Musical, it would be a very very very very noisy world, and that you can’t have a decent good night sleep. But it would be nice though if, only if we live like in the musicals. Sometimes I silently hope…

enough said.

the list of people that I miss...

2006-11-28T04:09:00.000+08:00

I'm in my room at 4am , melayan my ex-roomate andy, can someone pass me a gun so that i could shoot my head right now!!! Me and Kush dan tak larat nak layan dia. Andy saw my blog and told us to start to pujuk him cause he wants to start merajuk with us. seriously, can someone get me a gun?!!

actually i want to make a list of the people that i miss. so i decided not to layan andy for the next 5 minutes. andy ikut suka you kalau you nak merajuk. inilah dia bahana berkawan dengan "adik-adik" baru nak menjadi... word of advise, avoid any friends of your that have the symptoms of becoming a "adik-adik"...seriously....

Aiman's Long List of People He Misses:

My late atuk, and nenek in Beserah Kuantan (may they rest in peace).
My ibu
My 4 Munchkins in the Munchkinland (Halimatun, Atiqah, Rawaidah, Insyirah)
Adam (I'm so proud of him... my little brother is gonna be a pilot!!)
Syuhada (happy birthday!! awak dah tua)
Fieza (I miss u so much my heart ache....sob sob...seriously it hurts)
Khair ( I miss Bullying you.... though you have Zul to bully you nowadays....)
E'en (the boring Californian.... i know you still cant get over the fact that i DID show up for your open house)
Din ( heard you got the job in MAS... congrats bro!!)
Leman ( god knows when are you gonna come to Melaka again)
Yasseer ( sorry I missed your wedding)
Abu ( you cant expect me not to miss you after living together for 9 bloody years)
Kume ( God knows wherever you are...)
Kakak ( the very buncit pregnant lady)
Juwita ( we have to lepak!! )
Aiman ( happy birthday bro!)
Onie ( miss your sleep-talking)
Mimin ( gedik)
Yan (same as above...kidding.hehehehehe)
Diela (hehehe...what can i say, Melaka is haven for people who wants to escape from CyberJaya)
Sara ( sara, sara, sara.... I miss u a lot... a lot....)
Zahirah ( i know Syuhada and Adam wont approve this...)
Nik ( Redzal Aswad )
Nik (Hafiz Fathi )
Wok Ley ( when am i gonna hear you on the radio???)
Apiece gogo ( miss the times we watched friends while eating nasi CD)
As ( me and kakak miss u)
Salwana (bought your postcards!!)
Siti (happy birthday tomorrow!!)
Ariep (i know you had fun with me that day!! hehehe)
Pak John ( i MISS you!!!!)
Atah ( my-tudung-wearing-but-not-so-good-girl-best-friend... she's evil)
Kak Ujie ( me need you... me need you... she's my ibu duit....)
Abg Ali ( i dont know what to say...i just miss u....)
Waq ( the most chaotic midget ever!!!)
Shrek ( i miss your sometimes-i-couldnt-understand-but-still-makes-me-laugh jokes)
Eve (duduk je Melaka, jumpa kemain susah)
Reefa ( love of my life!! hahahaha... miss u la weih....)
Siong ( welcome back bro, sorry cant find the time to lepak yet.)
Simon ( the straight but very kepoh chinese guy.. hahaha)
Shing Li (bile la nak balik...)
Shing Wei (sama la ni..tak reti nak balik Malysia)
Wendy (went to your house, but you weren't home that day)

and the list goes on.....

oh yes....
Shopping (I miss you the most....)

enough said.

i'm.......................lost. again?

2006-11-11T07:18:00.000+08:00

Subhanallah, praise the lord!! After so long, all of the sudden the urge of writing a new entry automatically took control of my fingers and brains. I’ve miss blogging, I’ve miss pouring out all of my nonsense in my dark yet colourful page. I’ve miss my Ha-ha-happy land, I’ve miss…. I’ve missed a lot of things… a lot…

Sometimes, it’s a wonder hoe you could survive after stop seeing, or taking, or drinking something that is an essential need to you. Yea, maybe along the separation period, you tried something else that you think would and could substitute the things you’ve missed, but hell!!! It’s sure ain’t the same!! And when you think that you are getting over it, and bam!! You are back to square one…

enough said.

my blogthings test...

2006-08-02T03:41:00.000+08:00

gave kak ujie a called just now, got to talk about a lot of things with her...man, that lady.... i just LOVE her!!! she always attacks you with mentally challenging questions... m still digesting the things she asked me just now... need a few days before i can write it down...

so, i did these few test on blogthings while digesting the informations... and these are some of the results i got...

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny.
Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it.
And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 100%

Greed: 80%

Wrath: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Pride: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Envy: 20%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 54%

You'll die of a yet to be discovered STD.

How Sinful Are You?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to.

You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities.

You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you.

Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Private Dick

What's Your Porn Star Name?

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm"
You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone...
Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-)

You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear.
Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing.
The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person.

Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life.
You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face.
Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

enough said

the drop out kids...

2006-07-27T03:35:00.000+08:00

For the last two days, I was stuck in Kem Putra- Putri Alor Gajah, In Taboh naming, Alor Gajah for the Literature and Culture Module, which is a part of the National Service program. The worst part was not it was in Alor Gajah, but the kids this time most of them are school drop outs, some of them didn’t even go to high school. The Chinese can’t understand any other languages other than mandarin. The only thing in malay thet they know is their name in Bahasa Melayu, some even nama sendiri spell salah. This is the 1st time me teaching this kids, seriously they really suck the life out of you. It was exhausting. Really, really, really exhausting.

There’s this girl in my class, a Chinese girl, she was very pretty, but she drop out from school by standard 3 and now she’s working as a GRO in one of the clubs in JB. I pity her, she stop school because her dad was an abusive drunk and the mom had to raise her and her siblings. 2 orang lagi budak perempuan habis sekolah darjah 6, lepas tu terus tak sekolah dah. Sekarang ni kerja kat salon. Dalam class tu, Cuma ada 3 orang je yang habis sekolah sampai form 5, and all 3 of them are Malay, and yes there’s this one Indian girl, Rageswary, she finish her high school as well. And she was nice, very nice.

Yang lain-lain dalam kelas tu rata-rata dah kerja, ada kerja kilang, kerja bawak lori, kerja bengkel motor, kereta. ada yang kerja jadi Along( tak tau lah along ke macai along ke, tapi not really something that you would wanna do for the rest of your life…) ada yang kerja GRO, kerja salon…macam-macam… I asked them what they will do after this, all of them replied in more or lest the same answer. “kerja la balik cikgu, nak buat apa lagi, nak belajar, sekolah pun tak habis.” “carik kerja kot, saya spm amik sastera, itu pun kantoi, tengok la, JB banyak kerja sikit. Kalau dapat Poli saya pergi la,itu pun kalau dapat, rasanya memang tak dapat (laugh).” And that laugh really struck me… “tak tau la cikgu, saya ikut abang saya jadi along ma, carik orang kutip hutang. Malam-malam pergi minum, nanti cukup duit saya ingat mau jadi tokey kedai lor…” “saya habis ni balik la kelang, kerja kat kilang balik, sini diorang bagi 300 je,baik saya duduk luar, kerja. Pastu tunggu la orang ajak kahwin.”

On the last day we did a short sketch, and won 1st prize. A little hamper. But they were really happy. The joy was like winning a 10,000 dollar prize. My lead actor, the Chinese boy was really good, though he didn’t want to participate in anything in the 1st place, but by the evening of the 1st day, he volunteered himself to play the cacat boy. He was so happy. Before I left last night, he and the other girl who left school when she was standard 3 came to me and said, “ cikgu, terima kasih. Orang tak pernah cakap elok-elok sama saya. Bapak saya selalu marah, saya punya abang tak balik rumah. cikgu macam abang, suka bagi saya ketawa.” “ cikgu, saya tak pernah menang apa-apa tau, saya sekolah cikgu tak suka sama saya, itu pasal saya tak pergi sekolah. Cikgu suka gelak-gelak sama kami. Saya suka lor… mula saya tak mau ikut sebab pikir nanti cikgu tak suka sama saya. Nanti cikgu datang JB kita pergi yam cha.”

I came back with tears in my eyes, and smile on my face. It was very bad of me to hate to go there and teach them in the 1st place. But in the end, I felt like I wanted to be there longer so that I can just be with them. They were fun, a lot of fun. Though they are drop outs, they’re good kids. They’re not problematic, they’re just misunderstood and were not given any chance… they were left out…alone.

enough said.

it's not route 66...

2006-07-22T03:31:00.000+08:00

I really want to write something in my blog, because that is what I usually do, especially in times like this; in times when I am at the verge of going through a living hell. But every time, I want to start, it just got all messed up and misty and black… nothing but total blackness…. Dark, cold, silence….very, very dark….very, very cold…. Very, very messed up…..and did I mention dark? I know if any one of my good girlfriends are here with me, especially if khair is here in melaka with me she would definitely wants me to share the story, to share the emotions, because according to her, that would make me feel better. If fieza is here, she would have me tied to a chair with a whip in her hand and force me to shed those tears out…

But what would a whole library of words be any good if it won’t help you to make things different, what would 7 seas of tears be any help if it won’t make you feel good… they would be very, very pissed kalau diorang baca ni…hehehehehe…but what good does it make? Does it turn the wound into an ecstasy? Would it turn the bloods into wine? Does it end your nightmare with a happy ending? but then again, I can't blame them for being persistent to help, from fieza I qoute...

"u know wat they say..people come and go..but friends like THESE people..they come, but they just dont know when to go..hehehehe.."

This is a time where sparing the journey through hell by writing isn’t going to be enough… maybe it is time for me to go through hell and enjoy the scenery, be it good or bad… who knows, a journey through hell could be a fun one. I always wanted to know how and what does it look like going through hell… maybe it’s high time for me to feed that curiosity of mine…after all, pictures of Eden can be a view for sore eyes sometimes… so watch out world, the coldest bastard the world has ever know is about to have his first breakdown!!!!

One last thing before I stop, I have gotten back my other personalities (yeay!!!)… I thought I’ve lost them, apparently their just in there preparing for this breakdown… so thoughtful of them. Me and my spilt personalities…and our little journey through living hell…I say, that’s gonna be an epic.

P/s: e’en, don’t you come to melaka with parang to paksa me. Cause me won’t budge an inch…

enough said.

my perfect relationship

2006-07-11T04:25:00.000+08:00

In life, all good things will come to an end, or something that seems to be the end of it. The perfect relationship I had with my PC has come to its end; she’s no longer the perfect “girl” who entertains me with her lullabies, her story telling with the moving pictures. She doesn’t perform as well as she use to and on top of that, I can’t turn her on whenever I want to like I used to. I’ve lost the touch of my magic finger that would turn her on in a jiffy. Instead of saying “not tonight saying” or I’m tired la saying” she took the stand of not saying anything at all and doesn’t respond to my touch. So, I had to send her to kaduk, perhaps all we need right now is a little break, a holiday perhaps, and maybe, after a good few hours with kaduk, or perhaps a few days, she’ll come around and realise that she needs me like I need her. I miss my PC… I’m so gonna buy her new gadgets when she’s fine… she’s gonna love it…… I know I would.

I miss the other part of me, it's so boring living as a single personality person... it's so normal... I miss the multiple personality disorder part of me...they were fun...

Enough said.

the countdown begins...

2006-05-19T02:48:00.000+08:00

As usual, I had the most difficult time looking for words to start my crappy ole blog. Few more days to my birthday… another year older, but none the wiser… man how time flies…looking back, I went through a lot in a year time. Even though rasa macam kejab je, tapi banyak jugak la yang aku tempuh…cool….

I’ve done “Bukan Bunuh Diri” for the first time. 3 years younger than the actual Adam. It wasn’t very shabby… it was kind of ok…can’t say that was the best, but at least I gave my best and now I know where can I improve the character. And hopefully I can stage this play again before or on my 25th birthday…hehehehehehe….so to those who missed the play, don’t worry, Adam will come back, definitely better and more mature…and more ikhlas…

“ Dalam mimpimu itu kata mu, kita berpisah setelah sama-sama berlakun dalam sebuah pementasan drama. Selepas perpisahan itu, rupa-rupanya katamu, kau tidak dapat melupaiku dan terus merinduiku beberapa tahun, hingga suatu hari kau menjadi ratu dunia dan dengan tiba-tiba mendapat untuk pergi ke sebuah pulau.Di mana disitu, seorang seniman agung sedang membuat penyelidikan mengenai manusia. Kata mu lagi,kau kenal seniman agung itu ialah aku, tapi kau tidak percaya yang aku masih mengigatimu. Menurut mimpimu itu katamu, pada waktu itu aku menjadi seorang seniman yang digilai oleh perempuan-perempuan. Mendapat undangan untuk pergi ke pulauku adalah satu penghormatan besar bagi seorang perempuan. Cuma kau merasa sedikit benci dengan sifatku yang sewaktu itu semacam sifat seorang seniman playboy. Walaubagaimanapun, dengan rasa serbah kau datang juga ke villa ku yang amat besar dan indah itu, dan kau dibawa ke sebuah kamar yang amat memeranjatkan. Kerana hiasan kamar itu benar-benar menyerupai setting drama yang kita lakunkan dahulu. Disitu aku menunggumu, dan disitu aku memanggil namamu mengikut nama watak yang kau lakunkan dahulu. Aku bisikkan ke telingamu, “Aku mencintaimu”. Mendengar itu katamu, kau merasa cukup bahagia dan dalam kebahagian itu kau tiba-tiba terjaga dari mimpi. Mimpi yang tidak mempuanyai apa-apa erti!! ”

“ Sudah terlewat dewi, sudah terlewat. Sudah terlalu lewat sehingga kelewatan itu telah menyebabkan sedikit erti hidup yang pernah kau berikan pada aku dulu sugah kehilangan erti!”

“ Kelewatan itu bukan sahaja telah membunuh sedikit erti hidup yang pernah kau berikan pada aku dulu.malah ia telah membunuh segala erti yang ada dalam dunia ini. Dewi,katakan, katakan apa ada padamu maka kau bisa akan beri aku pengertian hidup? Apa ada padamu?

“Aku tidak tahu! Aku tidak tahu gembira.aku tidak tahu duka. Aku tidak tahu apa-apa. Apa yang aku tahu pun dah jadi tak tahu. Dunia dah jadi Absurd. Atau sememangnya absurd sejak dulu? Hingga tahu dan tidak tahu tidak dapat dibezakan lagi. Benar dan tidak benar tidak pernah dipersetujui sejak dulu lagi. Aku tak tahu apa yang cari sekarang. Perjuangan manusia tidak pernah memberi erti. Semuanya hanya untuk mengisi kekosongan dan kekosongan tetap tinggal kosong. Tidak pernah terisi.”

“ Tuhan tidak sezalim itu, tuhan adil. Pengasih. Penyayang. Tuhan cipta semua ini kerana dia cinta. Kerana dia sayang pada semua.”

“ Tuhan yang ciptakan segalanya. Kalau dia tak cinta buat apa dia cipta?”
-Adam, Bukan Bunuh Diri-

Alhamdulillah, segala puji bagi Dia. Mungkin ada hikmah yang menyebabkan aku pentaskan Bukan Bunuh Diri sebelum masanya. Maybe He has a bigger plan yang aku sendiri tak nampak. Maybe, that after staging Bukan Bunuh Diri for the 1st time, I learned that it’s not easy, nothing is. It’s not easy to understand Adam, it’s not easy to do anything good, but when you finally overcome all the obstacles, the joy, the satisfaction, the new things you’ve discovered, hanya Allah yang tahu.

Alhamdulillah, after Bukan Bunuh Diri, I was reassured that He is Maha Adil, and Maha Kaya, and that He will never abandon you, never ever. Mungkin jauh perjalanan yang ranjaunya berliku dan berduri, a journey that sucks the very life out of your soul, perjalanan yang pedih, sakit, penat… but He will, never ever, never ever abandon you alone. He may not be there physically but he’s there. He’s there as your pillar of strength, pillar of belief; when everything else around you fails you.

Alhamdulillah, after coming to 22 years, He has never once failed me, in any way. Though more often than not, I am the one who fails Him.

So thank you…

Enough said.

happy birthday...

2006-05-11T02:36:00.000+08:00

hari ni 11 hb 5 tahun 2006, semalam birthday sam, 7 hari sebelum tu (o3.o5.o6) birthday gem, 5 hari lepas hari ni, (16.o5.06) birthday ain, dua hari lepas tu pulak birhtday khair. genap sepuluh hari lepas birthday khair, ada satu tarikh best (28.o5.o6) Happy Birthday To Me!!!! and Ah jie... dua hari lepas tu, e'en pulak jadi 22 tahun... 3 hari lepas tu, (o7.o6.o6) abu pulak...tapi masa tu rasanya dia dah nak g cyber... cukup seminggu lepas tu dear darling nixx...

alhamdulillah, in between aku lama tak update blog ni a lot...and i mean it..a loooooooot had happen. some good,some bad, but overall, it's been a wild ride... i so wanna update about bukan bunuh diri, but the stuff i wrote is at home, and right now m at sam's place... hmmm...nanti la...lambat sikit baru update...

i miss fieza alot...lama gile tak jumpa dia...

insyaallah, i'll be staging Sangkar Madu The Musical soon!!! yeay!!!

i miss blogging....

enough said.

importance of having a friend...

2006-03-25T07:36:00.000+08:00

Syuhada and Adam gave me a surprise visit today even though they know that deep inside I actually hate surprises (got some very bad experiences with surprises that in the end lead me but to hate any kind of surprises), having said that, I really appreciate what they did… love them for doing things that made me feel good even though in a way I kind of hate things that surprises me. Their surprise visit made me think of the importance of being a friend and what actually makes a friend, a friend.

Alhamdulillah, all my life, I’ve been surrounded by fantastic, fabulous people (though once in a while I came a cross some shitheads, but overall, I’m grateful that Allah loves me and that He always send these wonderful individuals to walk into my life…). Syuhada, Adam, Kush, Kaduk, Ain, Sam, Atah, Abu, Mali, Gem, Zahirah, Khair,Fieza, Juwita, E’en, Deen, Yasseer, Diela, Zafrul, kakak, Abg Ali, Sara, Lina, ya Allah…too many to be list down… I always believe that a friend is a way of Allah sending the message “I Love You, I may not be there physically, but I send this people to you to make you feel loved. And remember, I will always be there even when the people I send to you aren’t there to be with you. You will always be love.” Having this mind setting of believing that each friend is a god-send to me, I try my best to treat them the best that I could…but have I? That’s another question I have to ask my self (and maybe write it down later).

Each friend brings a piece of joy yang Allah taala courierkan along, when they step into our lives, and by right we should be grateful about each and every one of our friends, maybe sometimes, along the way, kita terlupa the reason of kenapa Allah taala kenalkan sahabat itu kepada kita, more often than not, it slip through our head that we aren’t suppose to stab our friends from their back, we aren’t suppose to be fake in front of our friends, and it is our utmost duty to always try to be honest with our friends. Yes, undeniably, that sometimes, we don’t see eyes to eyes with our friends, but that is not a reason for us to tarik muka and gaduh, there’s always time for diplomacy, especially with friends… kiss and make up… friendship should never end… they are god-send to us…

Mungkin sesetengah orang doesn’t believe in everlasting and honest friendship, that’s why perhaps diorang selalu bermuka-muka and tikam dari belakang, (maybe) because they don’t believe that Allah loves them, and that Allah has never been fair to them… maybe some of us has come across these type of people, and please if you’ve just realise that there are some of you friends who are like this, please don’t get angry, please remind your self that these people are emotionally handicap and that it is our duty to help these people to understand the concept and the importance of being a friend.

To my dear dear dearest friends, wherever you are, I would like to apologise if I ever been insensitive (which I believe is most of the time), cant be there to lend my shoulder for you to cry on, and that most of the times, I cant keep myself to always be in touch with you. I apologise for my bad behaviour that you have and had to endure with, my crankiness, my bitchiness, my sometimes-emotionally-immature behaviour et cetera. Hanya Allah yang mampu membalas segala, and I mean it, segala semua memories, jasa you people to me. Insyaallah, I will always pray that Allah sentiasa memberi kamu kesenangan dan kemudahan.

To atah, sam, kush, kaduk, ain,mali, gem, abu, syuhada, adam, khair, fieza, e’en, din, yasseer, diela, juwita, firdaus, firdauz, zahirah, sara, lina, kerwin, Ah Siong, simon, arghh…too many to mention, and you guys that I did not mention your name but you know that you are important to me, thank you…. Thank you…. Thank you…

And before I stop I just want to share a quotation I got from a dear dear dear friend of mine, “idea adalah ilham,ilham adalah hidayah….” (s.abu) hehehehehehe…. See, and you still don’t believe that friends are god-send?!!!

Enough said.

"Bukan Bunuh Diri"

2006-03-23T16:31:00.000+08:00

1.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…memang bunuh diri, nak pecah kepala..kalau dia tak pecah sendiri, lepas ni aku nak pecahkan kepala sendiri…

2.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…kadang-kadang memang raca macam bukan bunuh diri, tapi nak bunuh orang lain…

3.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…takde banyak bezanye ngan cerita lain, dari jabatan nye yang takde rase nak menolong, walhal kewujudan Jabatan Kebudayaan Kesenian dan Warisan motifnye untuk membangunkan teater, dan lain-lain cabang seni…pesanan penaja kepada pihak jabatan, lain kali kalau malas nak buat kerja letak je jawatan tu, bagi kat orang lain yang nak tolong bangunkan seni…

4.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… seperti biasa orang sentiasa lekehkan sebab cerita melayu…tambah-tambah lagi bila yang nak buat tu student…lagilah orang pandang rendah…

5.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… nasib baik Uncle Yalal ade nak tolong, kalau tak dah lama mati terkangkang…

6.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… apa lah nasib lepas ni….

7.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… dah la, lepas ni malas dah nak buat apa-apa cerita dah, biar lepas ni takde dah project, senang sikit hidup, tak pening kepala, tak sakit hati.

8.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…last-last bile dah habis project ni sekor-sekor duduk sampai bodoh, lepas tu mesti gatal nak buat project lain lagi even though barru tadi cakap lepas ni tak nak buat teater dah…

9.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… harap-harap la teater ni boleh jadi hit…kalau nak challenge khalid salleh tu memang dalam mimpi je….tapi insyaallah, cuba la sebaik mungkin!!!!

10.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… terima kasih bayak-banyak mali…

11.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…tolonglah datang ramai-ramai, kalau kengkawan sendiri tak support, orang lain lagi laaaaaaaa tak nak support…

12.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”… akan dipentaskan di Taman Budaya Ayer Keroh Melaka, 28-29 April 2006, 8.30 malam…

13.“Bukan Bunuh Diri”…doakan lah kitorang berjaya…. Insyallah…

Enough said.

notes..notes..notes..

2006-03-02T03:03:00.000+08:00

Seriously got a lot of things to say, but my brain is not in a very stable state… few notes of what had happen:

1. Yesterday, 1st march was Kush’s birthday… Happy Birthday dude!!! Me love you, you’re the best roomie ever, the best brother ever, best pal ever, best advisor ever, ur the bestest of the bestest!!!

2. Puteri Gunung Ledang the Musical is fantastically superbly out-of-this-worldly splendid… Tiara looked so young and poses such a lovely singing voice, I love her dance, Stephen is such a “Hunk” Tuah, his talents are way bigger than his biceps, and anyone would fall in love with him instantly. Yalal and Sukania are just superbly good, (the two characters that I love most in that play) the lighting, the music, the set…flawless… kudos to Zahim and the gang!!

3.Uncle Yalal’s mother passed away today, we attended her funeral. (Al-fatihah) Met uncle Shuib at the funeral, miss him though, he’s like a father to me, and he took good care of me when I was in Kulim.

4.Lepak with Syuhada and Adam, and Waq…man…it’s been a while since I last lepak with Syuhada, and Adam, how time flies…

5.Have to start memorizing “Bukan Bunuh Diri” …again…. (tu yang buat pening tu)

6.Glad that we decided not to join the Bangsawan…muahahahahahahahahahaha(evil laugh)

7.I miss my mom, halimatun, atiqah, rawaidah and baby syirah… khair, fieza (sorry that aku tak dapat jumpa ko lagi since your grandfather passed away…really I’m soooo sorry) e’en, diela, sara, leman, pak john, kume, nik, deen, zahirah, yasseer, kakak, my atuk, nenek, astot, wana, siti, kak ujie dan sangat ramai lagi….

8.Now I feel like crying, (man…m turning into such a pussy boy…*sigh)

9.Owh yes… I’m am so horny that I might enter the second phase of my unstable mental degree BITCHY MODE… and if I don’t get any action soon, I’ll be subconsciously enter to the 3rd phase SUPER-BITCHY-BICTH MODE…

Semoga Allah taala sentiasa mencucuri rahmat ke atas kita semua…

Enough said.

drama, drama, drama

2006-02-12T05:38:00.000+08:00

It’s been a while since I last post an entry; life has been very very very busy. I only got to spend very little quality time in front of my beloved PC. She has been like the best girlfriend ever. Never question where have I been, why am I back so late, have I been seeing anyone else behind her back; the usual nagging questions girls always ask. She’s been the loyal girlfriend, always entertains me with her long list of songs, completes the entire task I have her to do (though sometimes it took her quite a while to complete it), and can always be turn on when ever I need her, which is always (isn’t it neat!!! No more “not tonight sayang” or “I’m tired la sayang”); the best and perfect relationship so far.

Enough about my perfect relationship, been keeping a lot of steam inside me this few days. And it’s about time for me to let it out to my virtual punching bag --- my blog. I was involved in a quarrel with Pengarah Jabatan Kebudayaan, Kesenian, dan Warisan Negeri Melaka few days back. It is because I went to her with the intention of staging this very wonderful play; “Sangkar Madu” by Bahtiar Siagian , an Indonesian writer. The story is about a young couple that fled to an island so that they would live there and cherish the love they have for each other without being interrupt by others. Swastika, the male character that brought Nesia (the female character) destroyed the boat that brought them there so that Nesia couldn’t flee from the island. He proclaimed and name the island “Pulau Cinta” --- daerah yang menyerahkan segenap kebebasan, dimana cinta menggenap dan menyala sepuasnya. Disini musim semi sepanjang tahun dan kenkmatan tidak berbahagi. They lived there happily until one day, Nesia found a young man, stranded on the very same island. Swastika wanted to kill him; for fear that Nesia’s love would change. “aku tidak mahu cinta mu berbahagi Nesia.kalau dia sempat menikmati kecantikan mu , bukan tak mungkin dia tergoda. Tak kau sadari, air mencipta lumut, kenal menghantar sayang.” Being convinced by Nesia that her whole love, body and soul are only for him, he decided not to kill the man, but he stab the man’s eyes and left him blind.

When the blind man come to conscious, Nesia ask him, what had happen to him and how did he got swept to the island. The blind man told her that he lived in a fishermen’s village, but the fishermen in his village couldn’t go to the sea to work, due to the strong current and wave’s and that everyone in his village is starting to starve. All the men who dare to go to the sea never came back. And it is told by the bomoh in his village that the ghost of the sea demands a sacrifice to be made and this man volunteered to be the sacrificed. Nesia was puzzled by this and said that the blind man was doing a crazy thing, but the blind man replied,

“apa yang gila dalam kerjaan ku ini? Dek kerana pengorbanan ku ini, si atuk dapat bergurau dengan cucunya, si ayah dapat menimang-nimang bayinya, si suami bercumbu di ambang pintu, yang muda menyusun seribu janji. Bagiku, kau yang gila, kerana memburu cinta yang tak mau berbagi”

“kau tidak meyintai dirimu sendiri?”

“terlalu cinta dan itulah tempat bertolak. Aku ingin hidup abadi dalam hati mereka yang hidup atas pengorbananku”

“seaneh itu cintamu? Aneh, tetapi agung. Sungguh terlalu agung pengertian cintamu buta”

Having heard that, Nesia started to rethink about the real definition of love, because all her life, she felt that her love for swastika was big enough to cover the whole world; but the blind man’s love was even greater than theirs. She stared to fall for the blind man, not because the blind man woos her, but because of his heart and his meaning of love. Till one day, swastika discovered that Nesia is having feelings for the blind man, and out of anger and jealousy, he kills the poor blind man. Realising that Nesia is in love with the dead blind man, he then kills Nesia. In the end, swastika realised that he taken the wrong move, he went crazy and kills himself.

This “Sangkar Madu” maybe a very cliché story, but the plot, the characters, the words are very powerful. I fell in love with this play few years back, when I went to watch the play in “Pekan Teater”. When I got my hands on the script, I wanted to stage the play back, but with some adjustments, here and there to strengthen up the play and make it in a semi-musical version so that it would attracts audience. But THE Pengarah Jabatan Kebudayaan doesn’t approve my proposal, because she said that the writer is from Indonesia, and that Malaysia viewers are more attracted to watch a ha-ha happy play that would make them laugh their ass off and go home not thinking about it. I was very pissed off when I heard that, she not only insulted our viewer’s mentality but also trying to kill our needs to be creative and menyekat kebebasan untuk berkarya. I said to her because orang melayu terlalu malas berfikirlah yang menyebabkan orang melayu jadi bodoh. She was taken a back before she countered and said “ macam ni banyak penulis kat Malaysia, kenapa aiman tak pilih cerita diorang? Kalau aiman jadi penulis, aiman tak kecik hati ke kalau orang tak angkat cerita aiman, lepas tu angkat cerita orang lain, dari indon pulak tu?” that really pisses me off, ikut suka hati mak aku la aku nak buat cerita apa!!! Aku tak kacau hati mak ko pun!!!!!! I replied, “kalau saya penulis, buat apa saya nak kecik hati? Kalau sebab benda macam tu saya nak kecik hati, baik saya jangan jadi penulis. Sebab setahu saya, seorang penulis akan terus menulis walaupun tak ada orang yang angkat cerita dia. Sebab nawaitu dia nak menulis bukannya menunjuk pada orang yang dia boleh menulis.” When she heard that she came out with the lamest excuse ever by saying that the ministry will not approve the script and advised, no, not advise, told me to look for another “local” script. No offence to the local write, but I am a very fussy person, tak ramai penulis yang betul-betul dapat impress aku, contoh local writer that have a place in my heart, arwah Bidin Subari a.k.a Malina Manja, Arwah Usman Awang, Pak samad, Dinsman, and Ismail Kassan. Not to say that local writers are not good, they are good, but I don’t want to do their script I want to do this one!!! Is that too hard to digest???!!!

Kalau “Dewan Persidangan” karya asal Mahkamah Keadilan by the late Taufiq Al-hakim from Egypt, “Tanah Bernanah” adaptation from a Philippine script, and “Malam Jahanam” from an Indonesian writer boleh Kementrian approve what is wrong with this one? Is it because yang propose tu budak MMU, so that Jabatan tak nak forwardkan pada kementerian? Seriously, I couldn’t understand her reasons, it’s not that I don’t want to understand, but I just couldn’t understand, why is it this script could be approved by her?

I am determine to do this script by any means, call me stubborn, kepala batu, or what ever, I will try to find a way to stage this script and show it to the whole community that there are bigger definitions of love that we are not aware of. I have my reasons to stage this play. Because the text and subtext of the play is very rich, and I believe that I can make a different by staging this play, kalau aku tak mampu mengubah persepsi semua orang, at least aku berjaya mengubah persepsi mereka yang dekat pada aku, termasuk diri aku sendiri.

I hope that I will find the strength and the fund I need to stage this meaningful play. Please pray for my success, insyaallah…

For what is man,
What has he got?
If not himself,
Then he has not,
To say the things he truly feels,
And not the words,
Of one who kneels…

enough said

my concern over kiasuism...

2006-01-11T05:47:00.000+08:00

In the world we live in, we can never run from encountering with the lowliest living people, they are what they are not because their family status but because their personality and attitude towards Allah, people around them, and most of all towards themselves. These hypocrites, multi-face, sugar-coated mouths, kiasu are actually can be describe like the puss that feed on the mucus of the fungus that spores on pigs faeces which helps the nature’s deteriorations.

Kiasu a.k.a busybodies: purpose, causes and way of handling them

This article of mine is actually dedicated to no one in particular, but more of a general study on what is the purpose of life of a kiasu, what causes one to be kiasu and finally the way to handle a real life kiasu. Let’s begin with the most frequent asked question; what is the sole purpose of a kiasu? Well from my study and close observation, kiasu’s sole purpose of living of a kiasu is actually to add up spices in other people’s life as well as making their life seems worth living. This is because they have no purpose of living, how can they have a meaningful purpose when they are very busy pretending in front of everyone, and that includes Allah and themselves? Their sole purpose is to be close to one person and make up stories or collecting dirty secrets about them in the most utterly way the spread it to the world as if they have no dirty laundries in their own closet. They’ll try to take everything form your hand one way or another and try to make sure that you’ll drop dead and never rise again so that they will feel better about themselves. How pathetic is that. I really sincerely pity them for that.

Usually kiasu exist due to their inability of accepting their weaknesses, they can’t accept the fact that there are actually people out there that are better than them. They prefer to live in their own build-up fantasy denial state, and that every encounter with people who are more talented, with better prospect of future or dating or fucking better people than they would actually make them feel threaten. They will never try to improve themselves but will always try to manipulate and finally crush the lives of other. Some times, bad childhood experience or the inability of their family accepting what they are and wanting more form them would also lead them to develop this kiasuism. They are pathetic, lowlife beings that are always looking for ways so that people can accept them. The saddest part of it, they only know how to impressed people with their knowledge of other people dirty secrets. They will never accept their inadequacies even though if they behave well enough, or try another approach towards life, people would actually be glad to befriend them, and finally be honest with them.

Tips for people out there who are encountering these lowlife beings, please don’t hate them or shoo them out of your life, have pity on them. They are unlike us; they are actually severe mentally handicap people. Try to befriend them, make them understand that accepting one’s self-inadequacies is actually not a bad thing. Provide them the love they need so that they don’t feel like a pathetic lowlife smug (even though in reality, they are pathetic lowlife smug). Help them to appreciate the sound of the blue birds sing, the wonderful colours of rainbow, and the warm sunshine. And finally help them to understand the concept of nawaitu, kaedah, aqidah and jujur ikhlas in life. Don’t hate them, cause it is just going to cause more destruction, not to ourselves, but to them. We have to understand that these kiasu actually also caused by their self-destructing behaviour, due to their lack of love on themselves, even though they will never admit that they actually hate themselves to the guts. (How can they admit that, they live in denial remember?)

It may seem that it is an impossible thing to help a kiasu to change, but we have to be optimistic, and always remember the crucial concept of nawaitu, kaedah, aqidah and jujur ikhlas. Always remember even though they are the lowliest lowlife beings there are on earth, there are always room for them to change, and hopefully when they does, the world would become a better place for all of us to live in, together, in harmony.

Enough said.

u dont know what i did last weekend....

2006-01-05T18:59:00.000+08:00

The trip back to KL was very refreshing. It gave me the chance of reflecting myself; catch up with an old friend (rarely got the chance to do that since I’m like forever stuck in melaka doing Allah knows what), got a few reading materials, bla bla bla…it was fun, it was refreshing, it was mind opening, was short but nice.

Went down to help mali’s mom with her newly operational canteen in Bandar Tun Razak secondary school. It was weird to be in school again, even though it was not my school. To see the kids running around the school, to see the school jocks walking around the canteen with every other kids look them with awe, wishing that it would be them walking and everyone else looking at them with that nature. To see the school dweebs hanging out with other nerdy kids (sorry, no offence to the ex-nerdy in school), and also having to watch some high school romance going around. Not to forget, the anxiety and heart thumping experience of the form one students facing their 1st day of high school. It made me miss my school, the dreading 5 years of love-hate relationship all of us had while we were in school. How irony it is to recall how much I wish to be out from that dreaded school faster than I can say “kill me now” and now, as I am no more in that period, I wish I can just turn back time so that I can stay there just a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer.

We went to see kak ujie (the psychotic kak ujie…hehehehehe…despite her psychotic ness we still adore and love her), it’s been a while since I last saw her. She got herself a new haircut and she quit her job (after listening to her story, we agree with her on her decision quitting her job). She told us that she’s going crazy with her current situation, but we know it not going to happen. Well, she is among the small number of really strong people that I personally know. We talked for hours, catching up from where we left to gossiping about some other people to soul searching motivational talk. She’s one hell of a woman. We talked about graphic arts, to writings, to theatre, to filming…and all the other arts shit.

When we were talking about penulisan, we were discussing about this one writer/director (I wont be mentioning the name) and how his/her way of writings can be harmful to the society. At one point I do agree with her, that perhaps his/her writings and films boleh membahayakan the future society’s mentality dari segi kemungkinan yang the next generation akan mula menghalalkan apa yang haram. But then again, if we see from yet another perspective, other than his/her own personal dogma and motives, his/her works can actually teach us to love one another, enough about cinta antara ahmad dan aminah, we can actually see a bigger picture of the love concept. Not limited to ahmad and aminah’s love but bigger. And perhaps, with that, there will be no more racial doubts, wars and every other catastrophe cause by lack understanding of the whole concept of love.

Ok. Mungkin that person ada motives and dogma tersendiri untuk disebarkan, but then again, which writer yang menulis without any motivation and ideology? I was thought that every piece of arts be it painting, writing, dances, acting ada terselit kalau tak banyak, sikit “dakwah” yang nak disampaikan oleh pelakunya. And I strongly belief that the society is pandai (I use the word pandai cause I cant find the word inbetween wise and intelligent) enough to know which is good “dakwah”for then and which is not.

While we were discussing about that, it came out that a best friend of mine, by pen name of AKMA, announced to us that he is planning to stop doing what he is doing now by the age of 30++ because he feels that the whole “art world/society” lebih banyak buruk dari baiknya. Kak ujie smiled when she heard that and she gave him a piece of advice that really attracts my attention. She said, “ kenapa nak berhenti menulis? If u have the talent for it and your motivation is right, kenapa perlu berhenti berkarya?” she also said, (and I believe) that talent itu adalah kurniaan Allah taala and that if we ignore that talent, it would be consider as an act of tidak bersyukur. Bukan semua orang dianugerahkan Allah taala bakat untuk seni, or at least sadar yang mereka ada bakat untuk seni. Jadi apalah salahnya untuk mengunakan bakat yang ada itu untuk membuat kerjaan yang baik? And it doesn’t mean that kita perlu menghambakan diri sepenuhya untuk jalan itu and not doing anything else. You can still berkarya while you are having a steady job.

She mention about orang seni ada obligation yang lebih besar dari orang-orang lain, for example, an accountant ada obligation pada tuhannya, keluarganya, and also pada societynya by doing his work with honesty. But untuk orang seni, obligationnya bukan sahaja untuk tuhannya, dan keluarganya so that they are well feed, and cloth over their bodies and have a roof over their head, but also to give the society a bimbingan so they would be a better society di mata Allah taala. Pokoknya ikhlas. I like her analogy of ikhlas; she said, katakanlah aiman takde duit nak makan, and kak ujie pun duit cukup-cukup je untuk lepas makan tapi sebab kesiankan dekat aiman kak ujie pun bagilah 50 henggit, and kak ujie pesan, “aiman, duit ni kak ujie bagi just untuk aiman makan” and aiman agree on that. Tetiba esoknya, mali call kak ujie bagitau yang aiman used the 50 henggit yang kak ujie bagi tu untuk beli shabu and pot. Kak ujie tak boleh nak marah, sebab niat kak ujie in the 1st place bagi aiman duit is for you to go and makan, but u decided to use that money to go and buy drugs. Kalau u feel that u cant bear the consequences of your action of bagi duit tu, jangan bagi from the 1st place. Sebab Allah lihat and test niat sebenar kak ujie masa bagi duit tu, and bukan after that, the action after that is your ujian. The same thing applies to him, kak ujie said. Jangan risau pasal orang salah intepritasi karya awak, kalau niat dari mula tu untuk Allah taala. He has His way of making sure others understand the good “dakwah” you’re trying to spread. And I sincerely hope that, that dear friend of mine AKMA, will not go on with his intention of stop writing and producing after the age of 30++, because I sincerely believe that you have the god-given talent to write and produce other than the fact that you are among the creative brains that I’ve ever meet. I’m not saying this because you are among my closes, in fact my best buddies, but because I’ve seen your work and I judge it from a stranger’s point of view.

Enough crapping, I am very tired and I really need a rest. So insyaallah, kalau ada masa and benda lagi, I’ll go on writing in this blog page of mine. Be it ada ke tak ada ke orang nak baca..hehehehehehe….

Enough said.

a piece of my mind...

2005-12-30T06:51:00.000+08:00

entah lah, there's been a lot of things to be think of lately, and i couldn't just put it into words, and been very buntu. sampai tak tahu macam mana nak luahkan...did 2 shows on christmas day and the day after, "Dewan persidangan"...nothing much to say about that play, except it was just ok. abang zaini was here for the show, he did the lightings...miss him and kak ujie a lot, was glad to see and lepak with him for a few days. was very refreshing. other than that nothing really exciting about this week...

well, during this week i came to think about why do i love acting? why do i love the whole idea of arts it self? why am i obses about this dogma of spreading the bohemian ideology of arts and love? entah la, aku sendiri tak jumpa jawapan dia lagi. uncle yalal told me about the 4 principles of arts, Nawaitu, Aqidah, Kaedah, and Jujur Ikhlas. kalau bermula dengan nawaitu yang betul, dan aqidah yang betul, and do it in the right way, plus kau jujur ikhlas dalam mengerjakan perkara itu, insyaallah...everything will go fine, and you'll leave an impact on someone, kalau tak orang lain, at least to yourself.

kak ujie selalu cakap, arts as a whole, can be a form of dakwah, be it in any way. because dakwah tidak semestinya disebarkan di masjid semata. betapa luasnya bumi Allah taala, and you can just preach at almost everywhere, and at any time. some one wise told me once that, one way of showing that you love Him, is by dakwah, be it big or small, as long nawaitu untuk berdakwah...insyaallah...

uncle yalal also brought up the issue of memahami keseluruhan konsep kecintaan itu. he said, that kadang-kadang manusia lupa yang konsep cinta itu sebenarnya sangat luas and besar. itu is not just limited to boys and girls love, tetapi konsep itu dah makin dilupakan oleh kita. in one way, we only obses aout the love inbetween me and you and nothing else. where as konsep cinta pada tuhan itu sebenarnya lebih besar, lebih sacred.

kita rindu pada dia tapi tidak pada Dia. kita tak berani nak menipu pada dia tetapi tidak pada Dia. kita tak pernah lupa pada dia tapi selalu lupa pada Dia. kita terlalu asyik pada dia tetapi tidak pada Dia. betapa mudah terpesongnya manusia itu...terlalu mudah lalainya kita ini...

seorang manusia yang cintakn tuhannya melebihi segalanya selalunya manusia yang beruntung, they will always be a better person than anyone else...but once cintanya terpesong, that can change the whole course of one's life...especially in arts, orang lainakan dapat detact kalau cintaartist itu dah lari dari konsep cinta yang sepatutnya... i dont want to mention any names,,,i think everyone can figure that out by themselves...

i went through fieza's blog recently...and i read her notice about having to write her last entry in her blogs...i support u all the way sayang, but there's one thing that i couldnt quite agree...fieza dear...you can never put out the past, it's a part of you...whether u hate it..it is still apart of you...i know it wasn't pretty as we want it to be, tapi itukan ketentuan Allah taala...and i bet if we really lokked back, you will find somethings yang sebenarnya mengajar kita to be a better person that what we were before...kan? but what ever it is, i support you anyway, just as you have been there for me, everytime i needed you...thank you fieza.

to live is a many wonderful things...

enough said

it's been a while

2005-12-22T06:30:00.000+08:00

To see the world in a different perspective is not something everyone would chose and would do.
The question is, why would anyone want to see the world in another perspective?
By the end of the day, would seeing things in another point of view really helps us to discover what actually lies beneath the surface?
If seeing things in another perspective doesn’t help us from discovering what actually lies beneath the surface, why try to see things differently?
Perhaps by the end of the day, even if it doesn’t really see what lies beneath the closed doors, it would help us to gain some clue of where are we heading and what we would want to do.
And do it in a different way.

************************************************************************************************

It’s been a while,
Makin lama makin resah,
Makin lama makin rindu,
Makin lama makin kosong,
Makin lama makin bodoh.

It’s been a while,
Mungkin sebab itu rasa tak lengkap,
Mungkin sebab itu rasa tak tenteram,
Mungkin sebab itu rasa gelisah,
Mungkin sebab itu rasa bersalah.

It’s been a while,
Sampai tak tahu berapa jauh dah pergi,
Sampai tak tahu arah yang betul
Sampai tak tahu selama ni kuat mengigau
Sampai tak tahu
Sampai tak tahu

It’s been a while,
Ini lah agaknya balasan dia,
Hidup tak rupa orang,
Mati tak rupa mayat,
Kejab betul kejab tidak,
Kejab gembira kejab tidak,
(Yang tidak tu pulak yang selalu datang )

It’s been a while,
Sampai bila nak terus macam ni,
Lurus tidak,
Bengkok tidak,
Naik tidak, turun tidak,
Berjalan tidak, duduk pun tidak.
It’s been a while,
Sampai terlupa bacaannya,
Nasib baik tak lupa niatnya,

It’s been a while,
Hapak bau sebab lama sangat tinggal,

It’s been a while,
Since the last time aku sujud,
Rasa aman,
Rasa tenang,
Rasa darah mula bergerak,
Terasa ringan,
Rasa senang…

It’s been a while,
Sampai aku sendiri lupa,
Lupa apa rasanya untuk sujud,
Sampai aku sendiri lupa,
Lupa betapa tenangnya dapat sujud,
Lupa betapa tenangnya hanya dengan sujud,
Sujud mengadap dia.

It’s been a while.

enough said

there was a girl...

2005-12-04T08:16:00.000+08:00

There was a girl who was her daddy’s little girl, even though she was very much pampered by her father, but he taught her to be an independent girl, so that one day she would be the one leading her baby siblings when he is no longer around. He taught her how play chess so that she would learn to think and analyze the good and bad before she comes to any decision; then he taught her how to play poker, black jack, and other cards game with hopes that she would learn to dare life, for every single move would be a gamble. He was a wise man. With 3 other siblings after her and the smallest being 14, he made manage to raise a very independent and wise young lady. Although her childhood was not all cotton candy and beds of roses, she is glad that her father was always there for her when she needed him. Her life after childhood was pretty much the same as everyone else, happy times and bad times, she had her moments of falling into deep pit of love as well as share her part in bad breakups. She was swept in and out of love, it wasn't much of numbers but worthy to be remembered. A year ago, she met the right guy, and perhaps at the right moment. They hit it off right away, though not really having said where are they going to but they know that they are actually heading toward the same direction.

2 days ago, on the 2nd of September, they’ve exchange their vows as husband and wife, in front of their family, friends and loved ones, though her father wasn’t there, she could feel his spirit’s present. He passed away nearly 2 and half years ago. Having taught to be a strong and independent woman, she tried to hold back her tears, though she wasn’t really good at hiding her emotions, she manages to hold back her tears. She had her lovely wedding reception, though it wasn’t grand, but it was lovely, her family, friends, loved ones, loving husband, and especially her deceased father’s spirit was there, praying for the newly weds eternal happiness. I am very grateful to meet her, be acquaintance, and finally share this sister-brotherly bond with her, for the Rozie Zakariah, will always be an inspiration to me.

With a very weird start, we became close instantly, for me not having a sister, she was always there to give me advices and help that I couldn’t share with anyone else in this whole wide world. We were there for each other, and through her, I know what would it really feels to have a big sister of my own. She is not the nicest person on earth, and her words are harder to endure than snakebite, but there’s wisdom, warmth and sisterly love in all her advises. With her hazel eyes and sweet face, she has her way of making people actually listen to her advises, though it is a well known fact that I always go against her advises and in the end paying my prices. She is among the strongest person I’ve ever known, whenever something came up she would break down and cry but just for a moment, before she actually stood up and face the world and never bitch about it ever again. (Maybe her stubbornness as a Taurus actually took control of her…yes lady and gentlemen; she is one bloody stubborn Taurus.)

May she and abg sham is blessed with happiness as husband and wife, and their days to come is filled with joys and laughter. Congratulation kakak, thank you for being the best big sister one could ever ask for… I really love you.

Bismillahirahmannirahim,
Segala puji bagi Allah, tuhan semesta alam. Maha pemurah lagi Maha penyayang.Yang menguasai di hari pembalasan.Hanya engkau yang kami sembah,dan hanya kepada Engkaulah kami meminta pertolongan. Tunjukilah kami jalan yang lurus. Yaitu Jalan orang-orang yang telah Engkau beri ni'mat kepada mereka; bukan (jalan) mereka yang dimurkai dan bukan (pula jalan) mereka yang sesat.

Ya Allah ya tuhanku,

Dengan rahmatMu yang menikahkan Fatimah binti Muhammad kepada Ali bin Abi Talib dengan berwalikan Muhammad Rasulmu dan bersaksikan Jibrail and sekalian malaikat, Kau berilah mereka berdua hidayahMu, dan berikanlah mereka keimanan yang tebal dalam hati. Jadikanlah mereka berdua pasangan suami isteri yang Kau redhai dan kasihi ya Allah. Kau cucurilah mereka rahmatMu ya Allah, Kau peliharalah kasih saying dan cinta mereka. Kau bukalah pintu rezeki mereka supaya mereka tidak berada dalam kesusahan ya Allah. Kau kurniakanlah mereka zuriat yang baik, supaya satu hari nanti mereka sekeluarga dapat mencari keredhaanMu Ya Allah. Rabbana atina fid-dunia hasanah, was-fil akhirati hasanat wakina azabanar. Was salallahuala saidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wasahbihi wa salam, walhamdulillah hirabbilalamin…. Amin.

Enough said.

real people...

2005-12-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

It’s a common thing for us, the “real” people, to look into an add page and says, “aarrr.. I wish I have that life”, we crave for the ideal picture we’ve seen, we fantasies to have that kind of body, face, and feature, even perhaps the family portrayed in the advert. We always have this thing of awing the advert page, and worship the models in it. Be it a happy family campaign advert, underwear advert, even the detergent advertisement would make us feel that the reality we live in is actually a deep dung hole.

Why are we so afraid to actually face the reality, all our lives, we’ve been trying to live under the shades of perfections, it’s never is easy for us to admit that we’ve failed, we prefer other people to see us as if we’ve just walked out from a magazine advert. We want other people to see us like a model, with flawless skins, and just about the right height, and weight.

The thing about model is, they are just too perfect, they have the looks, they walk the walk, and once they are on the runway, they are divine. They can never afford to trip over on a runway, it’s the utmost forbidden thing to do. Unlike us, the “real” people, we can afford to trip over, and we can and we know that we should get up, and continue our walk. For me, this “little” flaw is what makes us human. We learn how to fall, even if it’s an accident, and more important, we learn how to get up, and face the audience, with just about the needed amount of smile hang over our face.

Another phenomena that really attract me is human’s obsession on gambling. I was in Taman Budaya, preparing for a “ Bangsawan ” show the other day when two workers from Taman Budaya (whom actually are friends of mine) started talking about gambling. It goes something like this,

W1: tgk lah man,kalau terang, dapat lah duit,kalau gelap,ngaga je lah…
W2: mcm abg hari tu, dapat lah dalam 20 ribu…tu kira hari terang lah tu…dapat lah buat belanja lebih sikit.
Me: all in all, berapa banyak abg menang? Bukan susah ke nak menang?
W2: ada la sikit sikit…ala, main saja je suka suka…

One thing that I know about gambling, the HOUSE will always wins. I thought to myself, if the house always wins, why gamble? We humans always crave for an element of surprise; we want to always be in “not-in-the-know” situation. Yes, as we know that the house will always win, but we crave for the day when the house actually loses… that’s why we gamble.

Though it is actually rare, and almost impossible for the house to lose, but we hope that the house will lose and that we would for once win. Mungkin itu sebenarnya sikap kita pada Allah… mungkin juga it’s about the child in us, yang selalu mahukan something spicy happening in our lives… who know? But for me, one of the things that made human love to gamble is because they want to feel human, we crave for the feeling of getting hurt, surprised, anxious, scared, and above all things, happy when we know the things we gamble actually hit the jackpot…

I came to realize that as much as we loathe the reality, we the “real” people actually bonds a love-hate relationship with it, and it’s actually hard for us to actually describe the feelings. But we know, we wouldn’t want to trade it with anything, because it is the only thing that made us realize that we exists, and that we are just human.

I dedicate this column to all those feels that they prefer to be just human, and that love to gamble with their life in anyway they see it fit, and to my sister, Rozie Zakaria, who’s getting married this Friday. For her way of gambling herlife in the way she sees it fit and accepting herself as a “real” people even when reality hits her very hard.

enough said.

on the 12th day of raya...

2005-11-15T02:00:00.000+08:00

alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah....

aku bersyukur for many many many reasons...

aku bersyukur to have a great mother,

to have a love hate relationshipwith my dad,

to have 4 wonderful,cute, adorable, lovable sister,

halimatun, atiqah, rawaidah, and insyirah,

to have a little brothe named adam,

to have a kakak like kak rozie,

to be raised by 3 wonderful, loving ladies,

ibu, nenek, and cik ani,

aku bersyukur kerana diberikan seorang atuk yang tak boleh ditukar ganti,

patah tak tumbuh, hilangnya tak berganti,

bersyukur for the wonderful friends,

Atah, Syuhada, Zahirah, Khair, Fieza, E'en, Kush, Yasseer, Sam, Deen, Kaduk, Abu, Mali, Gem, Sherek, Abby, Andy, Nuar, Ain, Juwita, Diela,Sara, Dee, subhanallah...terlalu ramai untuk dicatit...Alhamdulillah....

for the rezeki yang tak putus putus datang dari Khalid ku,

for the precious knowledge yang Allah taala berikan,

for the unexchangable experience and memories,

Alhamdulillah, aku bersyukur kerana Allah taala sentiasa memberikan Rahmat-Nya,

bersyukur for the chance to meet and learn from kak ujie, abg zaini, abg wei, Kush, uncle yalal, and not too exagerating to say,all the human being i've came across and know...subhanallah...and alhamdulillah...

for everytime Allah gives me a test, for he knows the best for me,

for the ability to think and analyze, and muhasabah,

dan yang paling patut aku bersyukur is,

betapa pemurahnya Allah Taala pada aku,

always and will always shower me with his undying love.....

and the fact that Allah taala tak pernah tinggalkan aku dan lupakan aku,

walaupun ada ketikanya aku terlupa untuk bersyukur....

Alhamdulillah....segala puji bagi Allah...

enough said.

tingginya menyapu awan...

2005-10-07T00:32:00.000+08:00

subhanallah, it's been a while since I post my last blog, life was soooooooooooooooo hectic, alhamdulilah, everything dah balik kepada keadaan normal. but then again, for me, being normal is very boring, tak huru hara, ramai orang maybe suka hidup yang normal, but for me life with additional spices would be the trick!! there's soooooooooo many things on my mind, tapi tak taulah larat ke tak nak tulis semua, so here goes, tulis lah setakat mana yang larat, setakat mana yang make sence...

alhamdulillah, doing "tingginya menyapu awan" by malina manja really thought me a loooooooooooooooooooooot, arwah malina manja memang seorang yang worthy to be respect, cara penulisannya, kejujurannya, dakwah yang hendak disampaikannya, sangat halus dan insyaallah berjaya menembusi hati-hati manusia yang keras hati. ikut cerita uncle yalal and pak mat, arwah bidin subari (or malina manja) is a quiet person, tak cakap banyak, tak banyak hal, tapi hasil karyanya selalu menjadi "controversi", sinopsisnya tentang jumal (that is me!!!) seorang budak muda yang kurang siuman dibebankan dengan satu tanggungjawab menjaga seorang tua sakit nazak yang menumpang dirumahnya... eventhough masa mula the neighbours, badi dan suman tak nak amik tau, but in the end diorang pun tolong sebab kengkawan diorang yang lagi susah dari diorang pun susah payah nak tolong, for example buta and untung yang mengemis...what really cought my attention masa buat cerita ni is how jumal kept on talking to Allah, bekan dengan cara menadah tangan dan berdoa, tetapi bercakap dengan cara bercakap terus, bagaikan tuhan itu berada didepan matanya seperti manusia lain. keikhlasan hati jumal yang bersusah payah nak tolong orang tua tu walaupun hakikatnya orang tua tu takda kena mengena dengan dia pun...

seriously, doing jumal's charactor not only teaches me lot but also give me an everest challenge, not only interms of acting, but also in terms of thinking...alhamdulillah, I think i did a good job, ini bukan satu vain statement, tapi dari comment orang-orang yang boleh digunapakai...hehehehehe...

through out masa buat "tingginya menyapu awan" ni jugak I saw a lot of things happening around me, some affects me some doesn't, but over all, aku sendiri saksikan yang manusia yang buruk and busuk hati, walau macam mana cara pun diorang guna untuk sekat perjalanan ko, insyaallah, Allah sendiri akan bukak jalan untuk kita, kalau betul niat hati, bahagian kita akan sentiasa ada... biarlah orang cuba untuk tikam dari belakang ke, sekat rezeki ke, buruk kata ke, Allah taala Maha Adil. dia takkan biarkan hamba-Nya yang ikhlas dianianya. harap-harap, dengan ramadhan yang baru sampai ni, kita semua gunakan rahmat Allah dari bulan yang sacred ini untuk muhasabah diri balik, adjustkan balik nawaitu hati, teguhkan balik keimanan yang mungkin longgar. Kadang-kadang, betul jugak kata orang, tak guna sembahyang tonggang terbalik 5 kali sehari kalau niat hati tak betul, terlalu banyak sangat kotoran yang berkeladak dalam hati. kalau betul tujuaan perjalanan kita menghala destinasi yang sama, muhasabah balik diri kita...diri sendiri dan bukan orang lain...juga untuk aku sendiri...

ok enough about TMA, I've been browsing through the net and check out fieza's page...fieza, I was very sad to read ur blogs...let me qoute from ur blog "if u hurt a person hard enuff, he/she will eventually hate u..n logically,if a person hates u, he'll/she'll want to keep his/her distance kan? just erase u from his/her life..buat apa nak ingat lagi..biar dia buang aku jauh2..biar aku yg bear the outcome from tindakan aku tu,asalkan dia lupakan aku.." sayang, ingat, nothing good comes from hate, only suffering, kalau betul nak he/she happy, leave it in a good way...because by the end of the day, if u leave things in hate, you will not feel happy, and you'll remember it for the rest of your life, fieza dear ingat, life is short, why waste in in hate? it breaks my heart to see you like this, seriously it does... jangan sampai benci makan diri, you're too good to live in hate sayang...

lastly, before aku berenti, i would want to wish everyone a Happy Ramadhan and a future wish Selamat Hari Raya, may our life be bless and happiness comes rushing in along with Allah's rahmat...maaf dipinta pada sesiapa yang terluka dari perbuatan aku, tutur bahasaku, dan apa saja dari aku. semoga Allah taala membalas baik perbuatan kamu dari memafkan aku...insyaallah...

Enough said.

childhood memories?

2005-09-15T03:36:00.000+08:00

As we live on day by day, we oft forget about our childhood memories that were and actually still are a very big part of what we are today. We tend to think, that our childhood experience is nothing but a mere memory that should be hidden in a locked closet. We tend to live day by day denying the fun of growing up, because we think, that it would be very immature for us to look back and recall our childhood memories…yes some of us went through a very rough childhood life, but there must be something beautiful in it, like the first time you’ve ever scored an A in a exam, or the first time you got a pat on the shoulders for painting a ridiculously-ugly-yet-cute picture, or perhaps, the first time you went on stage for public speaking. Those are the memories that worth more than anything in the whole wide world.

Childhood memories: are they really that ridiculous?

As we go on this journey, we lean to be more and more of a whiner, we see every single thing that come in our way as a big problem, and bitch about it, especially if the tings that come in our way is not actually the package we asked for. We learn to turn every single detail as a subject to be stress about. Hardly for once we try to challenge it and try to hike to the high peak. Was very different from what we were back then, we were this very curios, active, attentive and not too exaggerating to say more articulate than what we are now, mungkin sebab dulu kita lebih ikhlas, ikhlas kerana kita lebih objective dari kita sekarang yang lebih subjective.

Be it in any situation, we are not as honest as we used to be. Keikhlasan itu sudah tercemar dengan nafsu kita yang demanding to be fulfil. Each and every single step, each and every single movement have to be paid back with something worth more than the effort we put. Then out of nowhere, the saying “there is no such thing as a free lunch” came about. Children are honest because the things they want in return in just plain simple love. Love and attention, full stop.

Perhaps, as we grew older, we have forgotten how it feels to be loved, that’s why we are looking for a substitute for it. Even though we can see people falling in and out of love everyday, how sure are we that every time a new relationship starts, it is actually based on a true, plain old simple love? Where sex is not the priority, it’s just a bonus package? Kita sudah lupa cara untuk menyayangi dan disayangi. To love not only our self but the family, the friends, the people around us. Instead of love, we substituted that feeling with prejudice, hatred, slyness and so on and so forth, and the list will never stop; unless we recall back the memories of how does it feel when the only thing we really want and asked for is just plain, old simple love.

Mungkin itu sebabnya anak mata kita tidak secerah anak mata anak kecil yang tak mengerti apa-apa, kerana mereka lebih ikhlas, lebih jujur dah lebih berani menyatakan secara lansung atau tidak apa yang mereka mahukan. Mungkin its about time for us to sit back and think of our childhood memories and recall how happy we were back then, even if it is not the prettiest picture ever, at least we all were more honest to ourselves back than, compare to what we are now…

Enough said.

apa yang kita ratapkan?

2005-09-11T03:05:00.000+08:00

apa yang kita ratapkan?
tuhan itu Maha Adil bukan?
sudah tertulis yang Dia memang Maha penyayang.
barangkali kita terlupa.
sebab kitu kita selalu merintih,
merintih sesal, merintih kesal, merintih kecewa.
merintih kerana apa yang kita mahukan,
ternyata benda yang mengecewakan,
kita mahu gelap,
kita mahukan kekosongan,
kita mahu jauh,
sedangkan dia mahu kita dekat,
dekat dalam pangkuannya...
bagai anak nakal yang sentiasa mahukan perhatian,
kita merengek, kita merajuk jauh,
kita harapkan dia untuk datang memujuk,
kita mahukan dia berhenti memandang orang lain,
dan hanya memakukan matanya kearah kita,
anak nakalnya yang sentiasa mahukan perhatian dan cintanya seorang...
namun, bagai seorang ibu yang punyai anak ramai,
kadang-kadang dia tidak cepat memandang ke arah kita,
melayan karenah degil kita,
memujuk kita yang selalu merajuk,
bagai seorang ibu yang terlalu sibuk melayan karenah anak-anak kecilnya yang ramai,
dia tidak dapat memberikan apa yang kita mahukan itu dengan cepat,
tapi, dalam hatinya, kasih terhadap anak kecil yang nakal itu
terlalu agung untuk diukur,
terlalu suci untuk dibicara,
terlalu hebat untuk ditafsir...
sayangnya tak terhingga,
cintanya melampaui ukuran...
tetapi anak nakal itu tidak mahu mengalah,
dia menunjukkan kenakalan dan kedegilannya,
masih tidak berpuas hati dengan apa yang ada,
dia mula membuat nakal, menunjukkan degilnya,
sehingga dia terjatuh dan luka,
dia mula menangis menjerit...

apa yang kita ratapkan?
hanya kerana kita terlalu degil untuk mengalah,
kita mahu meratap?
hanya kerana kita tidak mahu menerima hakikat,
bahawa kita tak mungkin dapat semua yang kita mahukan,
dan kita menjadi orang yang tamak,
itu yang mahu dijadikan alasan
untuk kita ratapkan?

apa yang kita ratapkan?
bersyukurlah,
terimalah hakikat,
bahawa, cintanya pada kita,
terlalu besar dan agung,
melangkaui ukuran akal...

apa yang kita ratapkan?
lihat lihat,
renung renung,
terimalah yang sebenarnya,
kita memang rindukannya,
kita memang cintakannya,
cuma nafsu yang menghalang dan sentiasa menghasut,
untuk tidakpercaya bahawa,
kita memang sentiasa dahaga,
kita sentiasa dahagakan cintanya...

mungkin,
bila kita sudah boleh menerima,
dan kembali padanya,
seperti anak kecil yang nakal,
berlari balik pada ibunya,
dan mengadukan tentang luka dikakinya,
lalu,dipeluk kuat ibunya dan
dengan penuh kasih,
dia memberikan kita satu ciuman,
dan menyayikan lagu tidur yang tenang,
mendodoikan si anak nakal yang baru insaf,
sehingga tidur nyenyak,
dalam pangkuan si ibu yang cintakannya...

enough said.

Qoutes...

2005-09-05T03:20:00.000+08:00

just wanted to share something from my favourite book...

As my visit with Morrie go on,I begin to read about death,how different cultures view the final passage. There is a tribe in North American Arctic, for example, wo believe that all things on earth have a soul that exists in a miniature form of the body that holds it; so that a deer has a tiny deer inside it, and a man has a tiny man inside him. When the large being dies, that tiny form lives on. It can slide into something being born nearby, or it can go to a temporary resting place in the sky, in the belly ofa great feminine spirit, where it waits until the moon can send it back to earth.

Sometimes, they say, the moon is so busy with the new souls of the world that itdissapears from the sky. That is why we have moonless nights. But in the end, the moon always return, as do we all.

That is what they believe...

and this is another one...

"Have I told you about the tension of the opposites?" he says.

The tension of the opposites?

"Life is a seriesof pulls back and forth. You want todo one thing,but you are bound to do something else.Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

A tention of opposites,like a pull on the rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

Sounds like a wrestling match,I say.

"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes,you could describe life that way."

So which side wins, I ask?

"Which side wins?"

He smiles at me the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins,Love always wins."

enough said.

kelam kabut...

2005-08-31T14:23:00.000+08:00

Fuck fuckedy fuck fuck...i miss blogging!!! really wanted to sit andwrite but i dont really have the time...(yang sebetulnya MALAS nak carik masa to write)..got 2more days to go before the "manifestasi theater negeri melaka"...hopefully boleh pergi jauh...hey...ntah lah...these are the things happened sepanjang minggu...

1) dissapointed someone very important, having the hardest time repenting, and trying to adjust a few OBVIOUS flaws of mine...i will always remember, "Allah takkan tolong kalau kau tak tolong diri sendiri" as painful as it was and still is, i will remember that note...insyaallah...

2) banyak huru-hara dalam production ni...nak salah kan yang lain sangat pun tak boleh jugak, balik pada diri sendiri pun ada...

3) dapat offer and terima offer "tingginya meyapu awan" watak Jumal ( the lead role!!!! yeay!!!) staging on the 30th sept, 1st oct (2 show, matinee, and evening) and 2nd oct 2005...gile susah,kena banyak buat homework, using ahelllot of ur imagination ability...hopefully boleh buat elok!!!

4) huru-hara siapkan the upcoming show, that is on the 2nd of september 2005, musical theatre "toilet oh toilet"...Taman Budaya Melaka, 8.30pm...

5) finish reading aristotle biografi and ideology, study on pramoedya ananta toer...gile arr.both are bloody good reading stuff....looking forward to finish my "keluarga gerilya"(again!!!)...

6) missing my dear dear dear khair, fieza, e'en, diela, and all the beroks and monyets in cyber...

7) celebrating my Merdeka eve by not celebrating at all....

8) kakak confirmkan yang dia kawin on Christmas Day...(yeay!!!!)

9) read yasmin ahmad's blog page, ayah pin's blog page, and a few others...but yasmin's page is the best lah... she's just sanely normal...best...

10) atah balik russia balik hari isnin malam, 1st time dia balik russia aku tak g hantar...sedey giler...rindulah kat dia tuh...

ok, i have a whole lot of things in my head right now, need time to sort everything in order balik...ni dah serabut cam orang ilang akal...hehehehehehe mintak mintak tak hilang akal la...insyaallah...

enough said.

tabah?

2005-08-23T19:30:00.000+08:00

ok, it's been a while since i wrote my last entry, i've been doing some thinking lately. last saturday night, ada sorang uncle ni kematian anaknya yang baru 20 years old, he died of heart failure, he got the new in the afternoon, while he was busy preparing for an event for that particular night and no one knew about it, malam tu, lepas event tu start, baru dia balik kl, and masa tu baru semua orang tau that he had lost his son ealier that afternoon. malam tu, after the whole event, kitorang pergi hantar barang kat rumah dia, just as we finish loading barang kat rumah dia, dia pun sampai dari kl, that was around 2 a.m. he stoped us, and ajak kitorang masuk. and for the first time, we saw the side of him we never thought we'll be seeing.

Ketabahan: the state of accepting and not bitching about it.

we went in his house and gave him our condolence. he smiled and noded, and started to tell us about the son, about how he died. he seems to be calm about the whole issue, especially from a person who had just lost a son. after a good half an hour he ended the story about the son by saying, "takpa, saya ni kes kecik je, baru anak yang pergi, ada kawan saya tu, (the name will not be mention here) half an hour before show ayah dia meninggal and still dia naik pentas buat show sampai habis, baru balik tengok ayah dia. just because tiket sold out and dia ada responsibility." I almost freaked my mind out!!!! "Saya ni kes kecik??? baru anak???" ok may be I was being a bit dramatic, but hey!!! I always have this thing, it's better of for my son to attend my funeral, and me attending my dad's funeral rather than having myself at my son's funeral.

ok, aku sadar, tua ke muda ke, semua akan mati, megikut bahagian masing-masing. tapi for him to be as calm as he was and think that other people's plight is far worst from his own, he gave me a new definition of respect towards him. adding up to that, he doesn't even bitch about it, tak taulah kot kalau dia buat kat belakang kitorang, but we were stranded with him the whole night, he stopped us from going back, and started conversation with us. he talked about almost everything, from books to theatre, from life to death, from being an atheist to being in a religion. we discovered a lot of thing about him that night, and even though dia sibuk bercerita dengan kami, he failed to hide the sadness he's trying to cast aside. and for me insensitively asked him, "kenapa uncle balik awal sangat? why didn't you wait for the funeral?" he looked at me and calmly said, "uncle ada shooting pagi esok, saya dah janji dengan diorang, tak baik kalau tak pergi."

Yes people, i freaked out for the second time... i don't know whether that was a defence machanism or betul dia tak nak hampa kan orang, but if my sane mind serve me right, after knowing him all these while, i realise yang dia memang seorang yang sangat tepat pada janji dia. subhanallah, I asked him again, "Uncle, are you ok?" he smiled and said, "yeah, saya ok, i can't indulge that sad feeling sebab saya ada sakit jantung. so I have to be ok." his calm nature struck me like lightning bolt.

masa balik, i asked kush, adakah ketabahan seseorang itu boleh dijadikan kayu pengukur keimanannya? kush said no, because seseorang yang tabah itu tidak semestinya mempunyai iman yang teguh, mungkin juga ketabahannya itu datang dari kepercayaan terhadap diri sendiri. percaya yang takdir ditangannya dan bukan ditangan khalidnya. so ok, be it even so, kalau ketabahannya bukan datang dari imannya terhadap Allah, still, ketabahannya mengharungi apa yang dia lalui worthy of respect. for some people maybe ketabahannya itu satu nuisance, because mungkin ketabahannya itu tidak bertempat, but for me, as long as u can accept something, even so the subject is as big as the world, and never even for once you have a thought of bitching about it is worthy to be respect.

mungkin kalau kita dapat menerima keadaan seadanya dan instead of blaming Allah for what happened, insyaallah, kita dapat melihat dunia dalam satu perspective yang berbeda. human nature, kadang-kadang kita mempersoalkan kenapa Allah jadikan keadaan seadanya, but kalau kita tidak indulge the thought until it turns to anger, insyallah...you'll see clearly what is actually the hikmah in stored for you. we are not little kids anymore, jangan terlalu mudah merajuk...dan mungkin satu hari nanti, we can be as if not more tabah than the person i wrote about.

i dedicate this article to those who have lost the people they love, be it in death or still alive. hopefully, they can develope the "ketabahan" they need. and i hope we can spend a few seconds to recite Al-fatihah, untuk mereka yang telah pergi jauh dari mata tetapi masih dekat dihati kita... Al-fatihah....

Enough said

prejudice?

2005-08-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah, I finish reading Atheis by Achdiat K. Mihardja, an Indonesian writer. Banyak yang aku tak nampak pada masa mula-mula aku baca buku ini that is 5 years ago, mungkin kerana aku masih terlalu muda untuk memahami pemahanam yang hendak disampaikan oleh Achdiat, walaaupun tidak ada beza aku dulu dan aku sekarang, Cuma mungkin, kemarahanku sudah semakin reda semenjak dari umur itu. But, having said that, I was still impressed by the way Achdiat wrote the whole novel, the way he argue about the concept of having to submit yourself to any god, be it mono or poly, and at that age, I almost went along with the arguments.

Having a book giving me that much impact, I decided to read the book all over again, and hopefully this time, I will be able to think rationally, without my anger take control over me, again. Alhamdulillah, semakin banyak yang aku nampak, dan semakin jelas bahawa, sebenarnya di pengakhiran cerita itu, Achdiat sebagai seorang penulis yang bertanggungjawab melakarkan bahawa Tuhan itu tetap wujud, dan kewujudannya bukan kerana dicipta oleh akal manusia. Aku semakin sadar, bahawa kenapa Hassan (the main character) begitu senang ditarik oleh kawan-kawannya kearah hidup bertuhankan tiada, walaupun asalnya dia dibesarkan dalam sebuah keluarga Islam yang sangat alim. Disini bukan soal Iman diwarisi menjadi argument Achdiat, but more towards, human’s attitude yang terlalu mudah untuk prejudis.

Prejudis: who are we to judge?

“memang sesungguhnya, perhatian manusia itu laksana sekelompok ayam didalam kandang,. Ditabur beras ke sudut utara, semua membure ke sudut utara. Tempat lain kosong. Ditabur ke sudut selatan, semuanya membure kesudut selatan. Tidak pernah merata pada satu saat yang sama.” (atheis, pg 104) we humans always put limitation on ourselves when it comes to learning. Learn only the good things, and not the bad. But the thing is, how do you know it is bad if you never learn about it? Bumi Allah itu besar, besar lagi ilmunya, baik atau buruk ilmu itu bukan persoalannya, yang penting semua itu datang dari Dia. Baik dan buruk, bukan milikNya juga?

Lagi satu persoalan yang menarik ialah bila Achdiat mempersoalkan tentang “hidup dalm lingkungan agama atau agama dalam lingkungan hidup?” which in context of this book, dia persoalkan adakah lebih baik hidup berlantaikan syariat, bertiangkang tariqat, beralangkan makrifat dan berbumbungkan hakikat atau, hidup yang semata-mata mempergunakan agama untuk menjaga kepentingan diri? I discussed about this with a few friends, and one of them said, kenapa tidak berada ditengah-tengah? Sebab obviously, in between dua-dua tu tak banyak bezanya. Hidup berasaskan amal, dan mengunakan amal itu sebagai kepentingan diri kau. Because by the end of the day, ko beramal bukan untuk orang, tp untuk diri sendiri.after a few days of thinking, i came to a conclussion that it’s better for you to always be in between, you have the good side on your right, and the bad side on your left,concept keseimbangan, wasatiah; kenal kepada kedua-dua, baik dan buruk.Because sometimes, you have to do something bad for something good. That’s just it.

Mungkin ada yang bertentangan dengan pendapat aku, itu hak masing-masing. Yang penting, sadarlah daripada memandang sesuatu hanya dari satu sudut, try to look at it, from a different perspective, then you will realise the things that you thought never exist, really exist. Berlaku adil pada diri sendiri, jangan sempitkan ruangan, hopefully, by the end of the day you’ll learn something new. Personality kita mungkin berbeza, tapi kita berjalan menuju satu hala yang sama bukan? Walaupun caranya berbeza-beza. Semuanya untuk Dia…Bukan?

Enough said.

2005-08-14T19:29:00.000+08:00

We humans have this urge of being better than everyone else, which is a good thing, Ungku Aziz, in today’s newspaper mention that “orang melayu tidak ada sifat kiasu seperti orang cina, dan dengan sifat kiasu itu yang menyebabkan orang cina lebih maju dalam bidang economi dari orang melayu. Orang melayu harus ada sifat kiasu itu.” I couldn’t agree more with him, memang benar, when it comes to bringing ourselves one step closer to be better in economics or becoming better person, we are not as kiasu as we should be, but when it comes to developing the “holier-than-thou” attitude, we are the kiasuest of all kiasus…

Kiasu: when will we channel our kiasu-ism to the right place?

Members of our society have this thing about my “holier-than-thou” attitude, we loath it, but at the same time, we love it. It’s almost to be seen as a part of what makes us human, we judge people for fun, we mock other people to make it seem that they are worst than us, we laugh of other people misery to show that we are stronger, we reject other people just because their ideology would threat our believe system. Worst of all, we didn’t take a second or two to think, that perhaps, the position you are standing right now doesn’t bring you anywhere near to become a better person, just let you stay where ever you are for the rest of your life. When every one else is becoming more mature and wise, you are still the same old stupid (sorry) you.

Our urge of being holier than everyone else is costing us a lot, whether we realise it or not, this attitude of ours is turning us into a bunch of bumps, that’s why orang melayu tak maju (bukan semua), even after 30 years of implementing dasar DEB. Don’t put the lame on the name “melayu”, I heard of before some people bitch about the name “melayu”, they say, macam mana orang kita nak maju, letak nama melayu, last-last, me-layu lah kita semua.” Wake up and smell the coffee!!!! A rose will still smell nice even if you put "ass-hole" as the name!!! (I'm trying to make a point here..ok?) nama tidak menjustificasikan apa-apa, the attitude will. Manusia…manusia, we oft put the blame on others, if we can’t put it on human, we will put it on the name; that is how lame we can be.

We tend to put blame because we have that “holier-than-thou” attitude, we can’t accept any flaws, even if it is solely ours. Wiseman Za’ba mentioned that “perangai bergantung pada diri sendiri.” And that we have to look at our self, our attribute towards ourselves, our community, and Allah, before we can judge others. We bitch about too much of too many things, and by the end of the day we do nothing about it, to one extend, we’ve developed a pleasurable experience just by doing so. Kalau betul orang melayu terus me-layu, takkan ada orang seperti Ungku Aziz, Za’ba, dan lain-lain. Yang bezanya, attitude mereka towards life.

I know this one person, whom he and his wife are very close to Ungku Aziz (as he claim), he said to me one day, “kita orang melayu terlalu banyak merasa, bila dalam perucapan kita, kita menyebut, saya rasa…kita sepatutnya ikut cara orang putih, kalau mereka berucap, mereka mulakan dengan saya fikir (I think)…” and he tried to make me believe that he himself uses the “saya fikir” instead of “saya rasa”. Ok I did learn something new that day, that is yes, mungkin betul cakap dia, yang kita terlalu banyak merasa, tetapi tindak tanduk dia, tidak menunjukkan seperti orang yang berfikir. Kerana orang yang “berfikir” fitrahnya akan lebih mesra, lebih down-to-earth, and lebih decent, tetapi tidak padanya, dia lebih tinggi sifat bongkaknya, dan lebih menebal “holier-than-thou” attitude, mungkin sebab dia “fikir” that he is better than everyone else.

Our “holier-than-thou” attitude menyebabkan kita punya rasa kurang sedar diri, dan lebih bongkak. Manusia tidak punyai hak untuk membongkak, kerana by the end of the day, there is no different between you and me, we are the same, and we are still the pawn. Setiap gerak kita digerakkan oleh tangan yang tidak kelihatan, terlalu agung untuk disifatkan. Before we judge others, remember that we are not as perfect as we think, so judge yourself 1st. and when your through judging your own self, you’ll realise that you are no better than anyone else, ergo, you have no right to judge other, and hopefully you’ll manage to learn to channel your “kiasu” energy to other sector, and perhaps one of it would be on how to improve our self better. Insyaallah…

Enough said.

Believe?

2005-08-11T12:59:00.000+08:00

I was at this kedai makan having my supper when I accidentally heard a conversation in between 2 friends who sat at the table next to me. One part of the conversation really attracted my attention, and thanks to the person who utters these words, it became a print in my memory. It goes something like this;

A: hey entahlah, pasni aku kena mintak tobat lah kat tuhan!! (laugh)
B: tulah ko balik nanti mintak lah ampun ngan tuhan ko.(serious)
A: aik? Apasal? Tuhan ko tak sama ke ngan tuhan aku? (still laughing)
B: kalau macam nilah attitude ko, I don’t think we believe in the same god kot…

BAMM!!! At that point it struck me like a thunder blot; I was stunned, and at the same time found a new respect towards the person who uttered those words. He made me think about what he said the whole week before I came up with a conclusion, and that whole week, I can’t help but to wonder…

GOD: we may believe in the same religion, but do we believe in the same god?

Astaghfirullah… jauh betul perginya, but that was the question in my head. And for that whole week, I started to pray, because I know, by having these questions, I can just do it alone, I really need the guidance from Allah himself. Alhamdulillah, aku dapat berjumpa dengan jawapan yang sekurang-kurangnya memenuhi ruang-ruang itu, untuk setakat ini.

Ok, let me go back to the basic , for us, the Muslims (also applicable to the non-believer) we were given the guideline of what Allah taala is like, all of it has been described in the sifat 20 and Asmaul-husna. It is in the nature of human being that when we are talking about a person or a thing, we tend to built up the picture as well as characteristic of the thing we are talking about, thus, we may believe in the same god, that is Allah, but DO we believe in THE same GOD? Secara hakikat nya, perkataan TUHAN itu hanya satu kata nama dan kata ganti diri yang kita letak untuk menamakan the Supreme being that we believe upon blind faith; and for different people , they have their own Supreme being worthy to be call TUHAN as well.

I know, some wouldn’t agree with what I am saying but the fact is, why must I be hypocrite about it, I remember recalling a few people who lives bertuhankan object lain selain daripada Allah taala sendiri. There are those who worship MONEY, for them money is everything, with money you can do money, when other people are suffering because they have lack of money, you can live lavishly happy with your money, so what is more powerful than the force of money? Duit adalah segala-galanya, you can even repent by just paying your zakat and give out some charity. That is all you need to buy your way to paradise.

There are also some others who worship their LOVE ones, bagi mereka orang yang mereka cintai adalah segala-galanya. Mati hidupku hanya untuk orang tersayang, ada yang sanggup starve themselves just because their loved ones tak merestui sesuatu kerjaan yang mereka lakukan. Ada yang merangkak pergi MEMINTA their love ones to love them eventhough obviously the other party is using them for their own pleasurement. Ada yang sanggup mati hanya semata their love one ran away to someone else. To love a person doesn’t justify your action to worship them. Apa guna menyembah dan menghambakan diri kepada yang berfikir mengikut kata nafsu? Itukah tuhan yang kau cari? Maaf kalau aku agak terkasar bahasa, tapi kalau sudah sampai worshiping your love ones, my suggestion would be, go to pejabat agama, fill in boring keluar Islam, dan dalam column “agama yang dianuti sekarang”, put there the name of your love one, kalau diluluskan, you are making the world latest record, that is to be the founder of a new religion. Nauzubillah…

Ada jugak yang menjadikan society as their supreme being, as most of us is. We are afraid what would the society say about us, we live by the rule set by the society even though sometimes, those rules are being made up and contradict with Allah’s will. The society is the best way of spreading this new “religion” and that everyone is obligated to go with the society instead of one’s own will as well as Allah’s. We were brought up in the mentality of it’s the way of the society is the best. What ever you do, you have to do it for the society’s greater good. To a point we’ve forgotten how does it like to be honest, to communicate, to be expressive of our own emotion, and the most importantly how to and to be love. The society emphasis on prejudice, on hate, on hypocrisy, and on anger, every element that are known to bring misery to human life.

I’m not saying that I am All-know, aku juga masih mencari. Alhamdulillah, even with my blind faith, Allah has never failed me in any way, even in my worst; he is still there to provide me his guidance. Insyaallah, kalau aku terus jujur dengan Nya, insyaallah, aku akan sampai ke destinasi yang aku tuju, hanya kesabaran dan Dia sendiri yang akan terus dan terus berjalan bersamaku.

I’m writing this not because I would want to judge, I don’t have the right for that, bukan tahap aku untuk meletakkan hukum, but it would be best for us to take a few moment and re-think, “yes, I proclaim that I believe in HIM, but do I really Bertuhankan Dia?”…

Enough said.

hanya satu...

2005-08-08T19:31:00.000+08:00

sedar dalam lena
lena dalam sedar
bahagia dalam kalut
kalut dalam bahagia
senyum dalam menangis
menangis dalam senyum
sesat dalam tahu
tahu dalam sesat
terang dalam gelap
gelap dalam terang
sihat dalam sakit
sakit dalam sihat
takut dalam tenang
tenang dalam takut
buruk dalam baik
baik dalam buruk
nampak dalam buta
buta dalam nampak
pekak dalam dengar
dengar dalam pekak
kata dalam bisu
bisu dalam kata

dimana aku berdiri
mencari terus mencari
harap jumpa dalam mencari
dipegang tak dapat
dilihat tak nampak
didengar tak dengar
tak ada dalam ada
hati rindu terus rindu
dalam senyap aku berharap...

polite and shy?

2005-08-07T04:12:00.000+08:00

Watched “THE” final Akademi Fantasia’s concert, was quite sad with the results. Yes, undeniably that it is Mawi’s rezeki to win all the categories, but then again, for him to win the best vocal and best performance? Are our fellows Malaysians are really that deaf and blind or are they just fanatically blind stupid? Congratulation to him for the winnings though, perhaps it was hard for him as well to receive all those winning. Amylea gave a superbly-deserving-standing-ovation performance, it was her best performance by far; and Marsha’s 1st song…whoa…

I’m writing to actually comment on neither the show nor giving my opinion on how they performed just now, but more on this thought that came through my mind after watching the crowds who went for the show just now. I realised that went it come to concerts, Malaysian’s are the worst crowd (perhaps in the whole wide world) in enjoying the bloody show. No one really knows how to stand up and dance their ass off along with the music, sing their heart out loud; all they know is just cheering (even though in the real world it is more of yelling and screaming rather than cheering). Ok, I don’t really expect everyone in Malawati Stadium to stand up and dance or sing, for crying out loud, I still have respect for the elders and those mak cik who came with tudung on their head. But I can recall vividly that there were a few concerts that I went for, the audience actually just sat still and cheered. Allah knows that if they lose their voice, it would definitely be a concert in front of a bunch of mute retards (no offence to the retards).

I wonder why are my dear fellow Malaysians really that polite and well behave? Because if my memory served me well, I can vividly recall my memories of seeing my polite fellow Malaysians dancing like a bunch of drunken junk monkey in the clubs not only around K.L, but also on the other lands that had been shone by the glory lights of a disco ball (do we still have disco ball in our clubs nowadays?). So, after recalling this vivid memory of mine, it made me wonder why on earth they sat still and do nothing in concerts. It came to my mind that perhaps, we Malaysians are nothing but just a bunch of hypocrites. (I don’t refer to all, but most of us are)

Hypocrites: were we born as one or were we train to turn into one?

Since THE beginning of time, there’s been this endless war in between the will of Allah (I keep on using this name because I am a Muslim, if you’re not a Muslim, you are welcome to change the referring name to either GOD @ Yahweh @ Jehovah @ Jesus @ anything to your preference.) and the will of the society. The will of Allah, that you are to be always true, and the will of the society that you are to show only the pretty picture even though the flesh is rotten. My dear roommate Kush try to shut my big mouth off by saying that perhaps, my fellow countrymen are just plain shy, and that kita diajar untuk sentiasa berlaku sopan. (Even though he is bugged by this puzzling phenomenon, he managed to find some soothing words to cover up the wounds.)

My only reaction to those polite words of him was, “sopan? Malu? My ass!!” ok lets talk about kesopanan a.k.a politeness shall we. Ok, undeniably that we Asians, especially Malaysians as a whole sangat mementingkan adat, adap, kesopanan dan kesusilaan, we were taught to always be polite not only to the elders, our friends, and the rest of the world, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t know how to stand up for our right. Dalam lingkungan sopan, we are expected to only show good behaviours, attitude, with smile on our faces. “anak dara jangan menyanyi kat dapur, tak elok orang dengar.” “jangan pergi menyakat anak dara orang, buruk perangai orang tengok!!” “jangan terkinja-kinja berjoget, buruk benor rupanya!!” “hey, apa benda nak menari terkinja-kinja masa tengah concert Alicia keys, kalau orang tengok nanti, dikatanya pulak esok!” O, so kalau menari masa tengah concert tu buruk rupa, tapi kalau terkinja dalam Nouvo, Zouk lawa sangat rupanya?

Kalau boleh ketepikan soal kesopanan dalam all these clubs, why can’t you put it all aside while in a concert? What’s the freaking different, because obviously, at this particular point, dosa pahala is not in your priority? Plain fake mask, plain hard cold hypocrisy. Don’t give me the b*llsh*t of being shy. To whom are you ashamed of? To the man up stairs? No…it’s the other human that will judge you…kan? Kita terlalu mementingkan adap yang terkadang agak terlampau sehinggakan kita lebih malu pada manusia lain daripada Dia sendiri. Kalau kau boleh menari terkinja dalam club dalam keadaan mabuk (bukan semua) dan tak ada perasaan malu pada Allah taala yang sentiasa melihat, yang lagi berhak untuk menerima perasaan malu kita itu dari manusia. Jujur. Honest. Kalau nawaitu dari mula is actually to have fun, why stop yourself? Why constrain yourself from having fun just because you are afraid that other people might judge you. Have you ever think that by the end of the day, the person who is judging you, is he going to have an easy time with Allah later?

I’m saying this because of I realise that more than half of the crowds in any given concerts are actually clubbers. We are brought up in a society that demands us to be perfect in everyway, though the fact that we are never and can never be perfect. I quote Yasmin Ahmad in one of her commanets in Akademi Fantasia “kesempunaan itu milik Allah taala sahaja, manusia hanya mampu untuk berlaku jujur dan ikhlas.” Ikhlas is equal to jujur, jujur is equal to honest. So if you can’t be honest to yourself, to whom should you be honest to? I read a quote that says, “If you can’t be true to yourself, you can never be true to others.”

Ambillah peluang yang Dia bagi sebaik mungkin, baik atau buruk itu hak masing-masing, but by the end of the day, who else can know what do you really want inside, your nawaitu? Allah maha mengetahui, Allah maha penyayang. If you learn to be true to yourself, He will lead you the way. He will save you from drowing, or lost. Be true to our self, it’s among the sanest thing you can do to yourself. Better be sane but a little lost rather than being insane and totally lost. Hopefully I can be true to myself always…insyaallah.

Enough said.

redha?

2005-07-31T18:51:00.000+08:00

I would want to write one last thing before I go back for my holy holiday. I went through the “presidential program” today because of my “outstanding results”. Thanks to Mr. Radzuan, he was a very good facilitator, we had a wonderful session with him today, he’s looks aren’t giving him the credits he deserve for his mentality and thoughts; but hey, life ain’t always fair ain’t it?

Redha and Kufur: the fine thin line in between.

Diantara menerima ketentuan dan menentang ketentuan, manusia selalu celaru diantara dua ini. If you just accept the bad things that happen in your life, some people would say that you are a loser, easily giving up on things. You are expected to grab only the “good” things by any chances by any mean taken, as long as it gives beneficial to you, you have to grab it. I’m not justifying that what happen to me is something right, being terminated is not something you should be playing with, in some people point of view. But in this case, who is there to blame except for my self; and the fact that I’m not bitching about it like other people is a big problem for them. The fact that I’m not bitching about it is because there is nothing I could bitch about, not even to blame it on fate. He will not help those who don’t want to help themselves. It is as simple as that.

As I mention, me not bitching about it doesn’t mean I am ok with the situation, for crying out loud, who the hell likes to be terminated? But for me, rather than bitching about it, I should re-evaluate my self, my attitude, and detect my flaws so that I can change my attitude and personality so that I can be a better person. What is the point if you only know how to bitch a.k.a blame but there is no action, and worse realise that the mistakes done was all yours. Menerima keadaan seadanya bukan perkara yang mudah, manusia tak pernah bersyukur, dan adalah satu perkara yang hampir mustahil untuk manusia belajar untuk bersyukur. I’m not saying that it is imposible, but hampir. The society is the major trend setter to what we are today, even though the society as a whole is a big failure and hypocrite, but we still worship the society as the core to our religion. Bukan semua yang dituntut oleh society itu benar dan betul, that’s a fact that the society have to learn to accept.

There’s a very thin line in between redha dengan ketentuan and Kufur dengan ketentuan tuhan, the fact that people always mistake accepting the will as a sign of true losers is because people always put the blames on Takdir a.k.a fate. “nak buat cam mana, ni takdir aku, redha je lah” but at the same time they are not doing anything to try to change their fate. Remember, Allah will not abandon those who ask his guidance and help. Putting effort also doesn’t guarantee that you will success, but you have to believe that, by failing once that doesn’t mean you are meant to fail for the rest of you life, when there are things that aren’t going we want it to be even after putting much effort on it, you have to accept it with open arms, don’t bitch about it. Ketentuan Allah itu berbeda-beda, semua punya bahagian sendiri, mungkin hari ini, mungkin esok, yang penting, harus ingat, bahawa bahagian and ketentuan masing-masing itu sudah tertakluk dalam Luh-Mahfuz.

to utter the word Alhamdulillah itself bears thousand of pahala, why is that? it is a direct challenge from the man up stairs to man as a sign yang manusia memang susah nak bersyukur dan sentiasa kufur pada nikmatnya. the fact is, being prejudice itself is an act of kufur. kita cuma mahu menerima yang baik dan cantik , and at the same time membuang dan mengeji perkara yang kurang senang dangan kita. belajar untuk menyebut nama Allah, tak kira diwaktu susah atau senang. Alhamdulillah kalau kita ingat untuk menyebut nama dia waktu susah atau senang, but nauzubillah, dahlah masa senang pun tak sebut nama Dia, masa susah lagi mau bitch about it. hey....manusia, manusia....

Belajarlah untuk menerima perkara seadanya, it’s hard, it’s bitter, it’s painful, but you have to learn to swallow it. That’s the fact. Alhamdulillilah, I had my chance. Hopefully I will not have to go through this experience again. Insyaallah.

Enough said.

happy birthday sayang...

2005-07-30T03:01:00.000+08:00

My dear dear dear Atiqah, happy birthday sayang, i wish all the good things come in your way, i love you to no end, even if there is no one else is there to hold you, and kiss you and give you love, i will always be there for you. I may not see you often, but i will always see you right in my heart. i'll include you in each and every dream of mine, and hopefully you'll include me in yours. you are my true love at first sight... i love you always.

Happy 6th birthday sayang...Hapy birthday Atiqah Saaidah.

Along sayang kak lang... my precious little leo.

secrets?

2005-07-29T08:37:00.000+08:00

I’ve been writing 3 articles (?) when our internet was cut off, Allah knows, how bored we were then. Alhamdulillah, now that it’s back, my beloved PC pulak jahanam… tuhan aja yang tahu betapa tertekan nya aku!!! Hopefully, that after the break, I’ll have my pc back good as new, spick and spat back on the net highway. I had a recent encounter finding out something that was hidden by a very good friend of mine; I didn’t dare to face him and spilt out “hey!! I know your secret!!!” coz I know he’ll definitely freak out if I tell him that I know he’s hiding dirty laundry in he’s closet. We human are likely to have some secret of our own in our sleeves, and we try to keep it there so that other people will not find out about it, but sometimes, we accidentally slip it out…what are we going to do then? And for the spectators, are we ready to see what is there hidden in his sleeve?

We often bitch about our friends not telling us their secrets and their darkest thoughts, we always have this urge of wanting to know more about our friends, because we were brought up in a mentality of the more you know about a person’s history and trauma, and perhaps fetish, we are closer to that person. We push the other party to let us in their “secret garden”, whereas sometimes, we are not ready to see what is actually behind the walls, even though we think we are ready for it. Isn’t it enough for us just to know the person, as in the person him/herself? For me, if we really want to know about the person, just get to know the person, see what you can only see, if the person wants to show us more than we can see, well that’s a different story. For me, trying to “korek” his/her secret is actually invading one’s privacy, and that doesn’t qualify us for the next “bestest best friend award”.

Secrets: how much do we really want to know about our friends?

Ok, I admit, other people secrets are very-very-very tempting, especially when serving it on the silver plate to fill our gossiping appetite, but sometimes, there are certain things that better left to be unknown to us. These secrets actually makes us wanting to stick longer to the person we’re being friends with, we live for the excitement of being surprise, the element of surprise is among the key ingredients of a long lasting friendship. Hell, can you imagine what would it be if there are no more surprises in this world?

Ignorant is bliss? Yes, cause by being ignorant, we’ll be sitting at the edge of our seat, most of the time. We live for the excitement of having an adrenaline rush in our head when someone especially our good friends, come to us one day and start out the conversation with, “aiman, I have something to tell you….” Ya rabbi, I will not trade those moments with anything, be it so even if the things coming out from that person’s mouth is the last thing I would want to hear. And yes, I love to do that to my dear friends, especially khair, fieza and e’en...hehehehehe….and perhaps, if they can turn back time, some of them would want to erase those moments.

Some people have the gift of seeing right through people, but trust me, the more you can see through people, the starving crave of being surprise is even bigger. Because at that point, you are questioning, what is there in him/her that can surprise you, because you know, there is nothing of him/her that you can think of can fulfil that growing appetite of yours.

So remember, the next time you try to dig out secrets from a person, always remember, what would you feel if someone else is doing the same thing to you. And seriously, by the act of digging the secrets itself, it shows how much that friend of yours doesn’t trust you. Don’t blame him/her; look back at yourself, muhasabah diri balik; because if you really are a friend whom he/she can trust, they’ll definitely tell you in the end. And trust me, you’ll keep that secret with you to your grave because you’ll know how appreciate the trust they put on you. So, any of you up to share a little secret with me? Heheheheheh…

Enough said.

about me...

2005-07-28T00:24:00.000+08:00

Name : Aiman Syaaban hj Azahari
D.O.B : 28th may 1984
P.O.B : Kuantan, pahang
Zodiac Year : rat
star sign : gemini
sun sign : gemini
hair : black
eyes : dark
skin : beige
siblings : 5 ; I'm the eldest and the only boy
occupation : undergraduate; major in marketing
colour : black, white, blue, red, soft green, earthy colour, turqouise, orange
food and drink : anything with cheese!!!! ice-cream, chocolate, coffee (addicted to coffee), potatoes, roast beef and lamb, most of all, my mom's cooking!!!
movie : mary poppins, sound of music, tuesday with morrie, closer, notthing hill, osama, children of heaven, pretty woman, sepet, rabun, kaki bakar, jogho....banyak lagi ni....
book: tuesday with morrie, 5 people you'll meet in heaven, taming of the shrew, pride and prejudice, hamlet, keluarga gerilya, atheis, V.C andrews saga, i love books..there's alot more to mention...
songs : i listen to almost everything...almost.
person : my late granparents, my parents, Muhammad bin Abdullah, Dr. Mahathir, Sun Tzu, Pramoedya Ananta Toer, Achdiat K. Mihardja, Imam Ghazali, W.H Auden,Dylan Thomas, William Shakespeare, Dinsman, Mitch Albom, Kristen Jit, Khalid Salleh, U-wei, Yasmin Ahmad.
hobbies : watch movies, reading, gossiping, bitching, sleeping, thinking (muhasabah), smoking.
sexuality : Bisexual ; ain't staight enough to be straight, ain't gay enough to be gay..hahahaha..
girlfriend : no
boyfriend : no
fettish : hahahaha... a lot!!!! let it be known, that i am a very kinky person, and i'm up to anything, except for animals...
if you are cought in a fire, name 3 things that you would take with you : my wallet, my cellphone, my Quran.
cartoon character : He-man, She-ra, care bears, voltron, smurf, thundercats, my little pony and friends, little lulu, mighty mutant ninja turtles..hahahah...i love watching cartoons, even today!!!
1st love : Julia roberts...(1st love never dies)
latest infatuation : kristen kreuk, anjelina jolie, orlando bloom, and chad michael murray, told ya i was bi!!!
define sexy : confident, kinky.
describe you perfect day : wake up, have a very big greakfast with my family, meet my friends up and we have picnic by the lake, go for skinny dipping, in the evening, all of my friends, and my family having BBQ, we'll have 2 whole lamb, chicken, beef etc. then we all catch a movie and kiss goodbye before we leave. go back to my house, grab a cup of coffee and a good book before i go to sleep.
tell us the biggest secret about yourself : if i tell you, it won't be a secret anymore isn't it?
most disgusting behaviour : hahaha, adalah....
best family vacation :when we went for umrah in 2001, the first time me and my dad sat together and talk without fighting...he showed me the side of him i'v never seen.
ever thinking of getting married : perhaps...one day...haven't decided yet.
describe you wedding day : something small, my friends, and close family, night, with a lot of lilies... (i love lilies)
children : tak pernah pikir... but i love kids!!!
sea or lake : both!!! I love water...
city or village : somewhere in between...
handcurf or silk scarf : hohoho...i'm up to anything...
describe you when you're old : grumpy fat old jeezer that lives in a farm, hahahahaha...no...i would want to live in a farm, and have my grankids to come and visit me often...i love children...
othello or macbeth : macbeth...i like him!!!! pure evil!!!
Mcdonald or Burger king : hail the Burger king!!!!
describe briefly about you : kinky yet decent, daring yet decent, bitchy yet decent. suka golek-golek, i'm a sloth. I'm a very evil person, yet very kind hearted. I read a lot still i have a lot to learn; i have multiple personality disorder. i'm 21 yet i know there's still a kid inside of me. i'm humble yet i have a soaring ego.unpredictable mood swing, i'm the type who need "my very own fucking space". stage is my sanctuary, allah is my light and life is my winding road.

enough said.

argh!!!!

2005-07-26T20:24:00.000+08:00

pc aku jahanam!!!

tension!!!!

nasib baik internet dah ada balik!!!!

tuhan kuatkan je lah kesabaran aku!!!!!

few good questionnaires..

2005-07-06T05:27:00.000+08:00

a good friend of mine asked me this questions while we were hang out doing nothing, according to him,these are the questionnaires usually asked by shrinks...well,what the heck do i know about shrinks,never been to one for a very-very-very long time,damn if he lied, then I'm lying to all of you who are reading this...

Q: name me 3 of your most favourite animals.

A: 1st is siberian white tiger , 2nd is the white condor , 3rd.....entah lah, aku tak pernah terpikir lak....(but he insisted me on answering the 3rd, it took me a long time but in the end i manage to came out with one) 3rd, the great panda.

Q: which one do you prefer,white horse, or black horse?

A: entah lah, both are ok for me,i like both...but i like the white one better kot...

Q: do you prefer your horse to be kept in a stable or do you want your horse to run free?

A: run free

Q: ok, let say if you're lost in a jungle, and then you are very hungry, ko dah carik for food every where, but couldn't find it, suddenly, jumpa satu pokok yang ada buah, tp buah tu tinggi, will you try to get the fruit or are you gonna keep on looking for something else yang senang sikit nak dapat?

A: dah kata lapar,baik lah aku cuba amik buah tu, dah ada depan mata, i'll try to get the fruit lah.

Q: kalau tak dapat gak?

A: i'll try to get the fruit by all means.

Q: ok, now describe me the jungle.

A: hmm...i see a very lively forest, ada yang pokok rapat,macam hutan kat malaysia ni,kalau tak pun macam dalam lord of the rings tu.. sangat gelap, jalan lagi, nanti nampak pokok yang macam hutan dalam movie english tu, tak rapat sangat, pokok tinggi ada bushes and everything, ada small animals, pastu kat tengah-tengah hutan tu, ada tanah lapang, ada banyak wild flowers, ada butterflies, ada bunny rabbit, ada colourful ponnies, boleh golek golek...

Q: hahahahaha..ko memang psycho!!! ok,masa kat dalam hutan tu, ko jumpa sungai,now describe me the sungai.

A: sungai besar, macam dalam lord of the rings tu, tapi air sangat clear, ada batu besar, ada batu kecik yang cantik, ala...yang kilat-kilat tu lah, macam aku slalu kutip tuh..ada ikan, and kalau ikut sungai tu ke punca dia, you'll see that makin nak sampai kat punca dia tu ada lagi banyak batu besar, lagi bengkang bengkok, lepas tu bila jalan lagi, nanti nampak air terjun ada tingkat-tingkat, kat atas air terjun tu ada tasik yang sangat besar,dan sangat sejuk,banyak pokok kat keliling dia, pastu kalau ikut sungai tu ke hujung dia pulak, the same things lah, sungai tu berubah mengikut muka bumi dia,dalam sungai tu dari batu besar,dia kurang sikit batu, batu kecik-kecik, and in the end pasir halus,pastu masuk laut. jangan lupa, ikan mesti ada!!! air mesti sejuk,baru best nak minum ke nak mandi!!! yang ko ni tanya aku ni apsal?

(Q: question, A:answer)

so, that friend of mine pun cerita lah, the significant of the questionnaires yang dia tanya...

F: cam ni, about the favourite animals tu yang 1st skali tu, is what kind of partner that you are actually looking for, ko nak siberian white tigers, maksudnya, ko nak pasangan ko yang mentally and physically challenging, ko nak orang yang garang, orang yang berani, orang yang tahan dengan perangai ko yang macam setan, sebabnya, siberian white tigers boleh hidup kat kawasan yang sangat sejuk, bukan semua binatang boleh hidup kat situ. and ko nak a partner yang bukan calang-calang orang, orang yang ko boleh jumpa kat mana-mana, tepi jalan ke,ko nak orang yang 1 in a million, buktinya,siberian white tigers cuma ada kat siberia je, lain tempat kalau nak tengok kat zoo, tu pun bukan semua zoo ada. the second animal is the reflection of what you are, and what you want to be, and hope to be. ko pilih white condor, which i am not suprise, knowing you, ko memang selalu menentang arus..

A: huh? apsal lak aku menentang arus?

F: ey bodoh!!! burung kan terbang menentang arus angin, kalau ikut arah angin, mana boleh terbang!!! dah lah suka menentang arus, nak burung yang paling besar dalam the birds of prey lak tu, ko suka terbang tinggi, tapi ko susah nak lupa diri,sebabnya, burung terbang je kat atas, tp kalau nak carik makanan kat bawah gak, you know what you want, and you go straight to it, other birds fear for you, dan jangan lupa tentang ego ko yang tinggi!!! plus you want to be different from other people,dah lah ko suka condor, which is susah nak carik, ni kan pulak white condors that are even harder to find.

A: cool...(senyum bangga)

F: the third one, I'm not suprise ko tak pernah pikir, knowing you..but the third one signifies what you want your kids to be,ko nak panda, you want you kids to be adorable and cute,manja-manja gitu, bila orang tengok, rasa macam nak peluk-peluk, but at the same time you want your kids to know how to defend themselves, macam panda,cuba dia tengah makan ko rentap makanan dia,tak ke dia bagi ko penampor sekali?!

A: hahahahahahahaha (gelak besar!!!)

F: the one with the horses tu is about do you want your partner lagi putih dari ko ke, atau gelap dari ko ke,ko nak kuda putih, so meaning, ko nak partner yang sama cerah atau lagi cerah dari ko...

A: and i thought the white horse tu nampak cam suci sikit...hehehehehehe

F: and then, yang ko nak kuda ko duduk dalam stable ke run free ke is what type of a person are you in bed, kalau ko nak kuda ko duduk dalam stable, maksudnya you want to be in control all the time, but then ko nak your horse to run free,maksudnya,you are open and flexible in bed,you are open to anything, you are willing to try anything to make the experience saucier...and you are not a dictator in bed...

A: hahahahahaha..try anything? hahahahahaha yezzaaa....i am kinky!!!!

F: bodo ni...the one yang jumpa buah kat hutan tu,is about ko senang putus asa atau tidak, ko cakap you'll try by all means to get the fruit, so maksudnya,ko bukan mudah putus asa, bagi ko lambat takpa, yang penting, ko dapat apa yang ko nak, and you are willing to sacrifice to get what you want.

A: betul...biar lambat,asalkan aku dapat apa yang aku nak...

F: the description of the jugle is what you see and what you want in your life, ko nak hidup ko ada masa tu sangat susah nak lalu, buktinya ko nampak hutan yang tebal and gelap, and ada part tu yang ok ok je,tak banyak sangat masalah, and ko nak hidup ko ada masa yang sangat cantik,ko nak ada tanah lapang lah, wild flowers lah, and ko nak hidup ko sentiasa menarik,sebab ko nak dalam hutan and tanah lapang ko tu slalu ada binatang. sungai tu pun lebih kurang sama,ko nak hidup ko sentiasa ada "kick" and "spices" and ko nak tau punca dan akibat to almost everything, you question a lot of "why" in your life,sebabnya,bukan semua orang yang aku tanya akan describe sungai dia ada hujung lah, ada punca lah, and kalau ke hujung tu macam mana rupa bentuk dia, kalau ke hulu macam mana pulak bentuk dia, ko nak sungai ko ada batu besarlah, batu keciklah, ada ikan lah, ada liku lah, so meaning you dont want a simple life, you want a challenging life.

A: oooo...gitu ke...true true...

(F: friend A: aku)

so, that is it, i have no conclusion, terpulang lah, mungkin Allah taala dah setkan that i'll face all this things in my life, perhaps He has store for me something bigger that i couldn't think of right now...so, berserah je lah, there's nothing i can do about it,no,i can't bitch about it, because i know that everything that happen must suit a purpose...so, insyallah, kalau ada rezeki aku, i'll find out what He has store up for me...Insyaallah..so kalau korang nak guna soalan-soalan ni untuk tanyakan pada kawan-kawan korang silakan, but, dont make a conclusion base on these questionnaires only, sebab by the end of the day, yang betul-betul mengenali kawan-kawan korang tuh, is just themsleves and Allah taala, ingat, humans are capable to suprise us within 10 second eventhough kita dah kenal dia more than 100 years...itu manusia.enough said.

5th cry for help...

2005-07-05T07:48:00.000+08:00

day : tuesday
date : 5th july 2005
time : 0754
mood : almost stable

this might be the most scandalous confession ever made by me, the confession of why i never wanted to be in any commitment,and that every time the big C comes near me,i would freak out and run away faster than the world's fastest sprinter. it wasn't easy for me, to decide to actually make this confession to myself, let alone to the others; nonetheless, i believe that it is better to face your fear, rather than run away like a coward, and by believing in this, i made up my mind to actually write this down, not only to be read by others,but also,as a reminder for myself.

being in love is never easy, at least for me. i dont know about other people, but i dont fall in and out of love very often, and once i fall into the pit of love,i would fall in very deep, to the depth of there is no light available, and all around you is total darkness. yes, i am a terrible flirt. i am a flirt slut, i have a few strong infatuations, but that's it. because for me, i will try to stop myself from really falling for someone, because i dont like to be emotionally attach to anyone. once you are emotionally attached to someone, you no longer have any control on your life, the course of your life is run by the other party, and as for those who knew me, i am the type whom like to be in control of myself, yes i submit myself and fate to the greater power, but other than that, i want to be in control, tidak timbul persoalan tentang qada' dan qadar, i've passed through that.

ya, saya mengaku disini,saya memang manusia yang ego. sifat ego yang timbul dari pengalaman untuk membuktikan yang aku mampu pergi jauh, pengalaman yang mengajar, kau harus sedar yang kau akan sentiasa berjalan sendiri. the irony part is,i never see crying as a sign of weakness,but having your emotion control by others is a sign of weakness. it's ok to cry but never let your emotion "bergantung" to others. because you'll never know when do you have to walk alone,and when the time comes, you will never have the courage and strenght to do so,because you are used to depend on others. it's a blessing and a curse for me to learn that you have to prove to others that you worth something and you will always walk alone at a very tender age.

aku menulis bukan hanya sekadar mendengar cerita lipur lara dari yang lain, tetapi menulis mengikut pengalaman sendiri. have you ever fall for someone that you know there is no future for the both of you, even how hard you wanted it,you know it wont happen. you know the consequences, but you still dare to go through it, you know that it's a winding and harsh road, but you still go on that trail. stupid act? maybe. but not for me. fitrah bercinta, harus ada saat bergantung harap,perasaan...and that is exactly the things i cant afford to indulge. having the feelings is already a curse,let alone to indulge the urge of wanting more.

life is a stage of play, a very very long play, dan terbukti aku antara pelakon handalan yang layak memenangi "oscar for reality actor". walaupun begitu,i am not proud of myself, because in that very play, i've overkill numbers of good people. there's nothing i can do to change it now, and as i've mention in my previous post,my make-up maybe flaking, but my smile still stays on. alhamdulillah, aku sedar, that i will have to face the agony, tormenting nightmare of moving on.kalau bukan sekarang, aku hanya membiarkan aku terus merana, because being in this state is even tormenting than the pain of moving on. that's the fear that i have to face, that's the battle i cant afford to lose...insyaallah.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high,

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly.Birds fly over the rainbow.

Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

cyber trip report..

2005-07-01T01:33:00.000+08:00

BEST!!! the visit to cyber was worth it, lepak ngan all my dear dear friends, thanks fieza,khair sbb bg aku tempat menumpang..banyak mengumpat, banyak kumpul info, banyak tengok,banyak cuci mata, banyak belajar...thank you fieza for the piece of advise, but here's the thing, benar aku jarang nak dengar nasihat orang, sebab bagi bukan semua orang berjaya membuatkan aku hormat pada mereka...but just for u to know,u are among the person yang kalau cakap,aku akan dengar...sebab bagi aku you are worth the respect,you are a strong person,dan aku kagum dengan keberanian dan ketabahan kau. having you as a friend is like receiving seribu rahmat.

dear khair, i wasn't suprise when u told me that your second most favourite animal is a cat...after knowing you for all these years,and causing soooooo much damage in your life, terbukti, you are THE cat of my life...

juwita, eventhough kita jarang jumpa but you're are picking up the hints i left very quickly...bravo...benarlah, your really are a very intelligent girl, learn to be more observant, insyaallah...you'll get there soon.

my dear dear zul, it's all about the decision, kenapa decision? sebab ianya sudah ditentukan, one way or another ianya sudah ditentukan, that's why...it's all about understanding why the decision has been made that way..always look at the bright side of it,insyaallah...try reading "tuesday with morrie" by mitch albom,it wont answer every single thing, but there's a lot to learn from that book..insyaallah...

diela...turun lah melaka pulak....windulah...

aku dah turun cyber lepak ngan korang, kalau lepas ni tak reti gak nak turun melaka lepak ngan aku,memang arrr....aku bakar satu cyber tu esok,tengoklaa....muahahahahahahahahaha(gelak kejam!!!)...i miss all of you already.....sob sob...

4th cry for help...

2005-06-28T03:09:00.000+08:00

day: tuesday

date: 28th june 2005

time: 0315

mood: unstable

subhanaallah...beratnya terasa bila diberikan ujian macam ni, bila seluruh institusi iman itu diuji, terasa lemah sekujur badan. in laymen terms, iman itu adalah kepercayaan, dan kepercayaan itu adalah iman. tidak akan timbul kepercayaan kalau tidak terbukti keutuhan dan kebenaran sesuatu itu selagi ianya tidak dibuktikan kesahihan kebenaran satu-satu fakta itu. bila terbukti tersirat dan tersurat fakta itu, baru ianya layak untuk dipegang sebagai iman. contohnya, untuk dalam proses mempercayaai kewujudan entiti ghaib yang dipanggil tuhan, manusia akan melalui satu ketika, masa yang getir untuk membuktikan kewujudan Dia sebagai satu entiti. bila akal sudah boleh menerima semua bukti, dalil then we will go through another stage, the stage of submission.

while we are in the stage of submitting, there will be another test, the big question of why should we submit our selves to an entity that couldn't be reach by our senses, but just by our mind. disini, kita akan mula mengenali sifat-Nya yang menyebabkan kita tunduk kepada sebab kenapa harus ada konsep "penghambaan" diri kepada Dia. alhamdulillah, bila disini, kita sudah semakin hampir...or so we thought. when there are no more questions about the why should we be submitting, akan timbul pula persoalan, sejauh manakah kebenaran sifat yang diwarwarkan?

kita dikenalkan dengan sifat Maha Adil, Maha Kaya, namun...sejauh manakah terbukti KeADILan itu? sejauh manakah terbukti KeKAYAan itu? kita mendengar cerita hidup orang lain sebagai pedoman, namun sejauh manakah kebenaran kisah yang dikhabarkan? atau ianya hanya kisah lipur lara? subhanaallah...sedar atau tidak, bila ujian dimulakan, setiap yang berlaku dalam persekitaran hidup berkisar tentang persoalan-persoalan yang masih belum terjawab itu...and these test will usually by any means bisa mengoncangkan seluruh institusi kepercayaan iman itu sendiri, percaya atau tidak, sedar atau tidak, that is the fact.

one thing about the test, sedar atau tidak, bila ujian itu dimulai, eventhough the main pole of the beliefs is shaking, you know that one day the answer will come to you, kesabaran menunggu itu akan membawa kita selangkah lebih dekat kepada hakikat fakta tersebut. He will not change the fate of a person, if the person himself doesn't have the will to change. "WILL", keinginan untuk memahami itu akan membawa aku selangkah lebih dekat. kesabaran dan keikhlasan itu adalah kunci. insyaallah.

ya allah, you will not lay this test upon me if you know that i dont have the strenght to go through it, help me to find the strenght to go on, so that i can finish this quest. guide me to that strenght to hold on. hold on and move on to a wiser person. jangan Kau hancurkan institusi kepercayaan yang aku bina ini, because if i fail this, i have nothing more to hold on to, and my life suits no purpose. ya Allah, walk with me, hold my hand till the end of the journey...hanya pada kau aku memohon, hanya pada kau aku meminta.amin.

enough said.

the show must go on

2005-06-21T01:00:00.000+08:00

lying is like acting, sounds easy but in practical, it is not as easy as it may sound. to be a good liar, you have to come out with a very good lie,and a very convincing body gesture, eye contact, intonation of speech,so that no one can detact that you are lying. it have to be perfect in every way. just like acting, lying is also an illusion to reality. it's not too blunt to say that lying is an art of acting. eventhough not all good liars can act on stage,but all good actors can lie.

we tell lies to about everyone, we tell lies about our feelings, about our thoughts, about what we want, about everything. we tell lies to simplify matters, or so we thought. never we expect that by starting a lie, we have to live in that lie for the rest of our life, it's like living in a never ending stage play and the show must go on,and on, and on. Empty spaces - what are we living for; abandoned places - I guess we know the score, on and on, does anybody know what we are looking for... behind the curtain, in the pantomime we hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore? The show must go on, inside my heart is breaking my make-up may be flaking but my smile still stays on. Outside the dawn is breaking but inside in the dark I'm aching to be free .The show must go on. My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die. The show must go on, and I'll face it with a grin, I'm never giving in ,I'll top the bill, I'll overkill I have to find the will to carry on with the show . The show must go on...

3rd cry for help...

2005-06-17T18:37:00.000+08:00

day: friday
date: 17 june 2005
time: 6.39pm
mood: unstable

eksperimentasi belum selesai, masih banyak yang belum terjawab..bukan semua, tetapi masih ada. bersempenaan dengan "international wine fair" di jaya jusco, aku membantu untuk menjayakan program itu dengan membeli good wines..hehehehe...good wine in good hands will leave a memorable memory, but good wine in bad hands will just be like any other liquid, to be drank but not to be appreciated.

"O lonely my troubles so hard,

O lonely my troubles so hard,

no nobody knows my troubles but god,

no nobody knows my troubles but god."

manusia tak pernah berubah, manusia tidak akan berubah. you can take a person out of evil influence, but you can never take the evil influence out of the person. biar seribu tahun air mengukir batu, tetapi manusia tetap tidak akan berubah. jangan salahkan aku kalau aku berlaku kejam, jangan salahkan aku kalau aku dikatakan "cold and unhearted", jangan salahkan aku kalau bahasaku lancang. jangan salahkan aku kalau aku tidak ada belas ihsan. kamu nampak, tapi kamu tidak melihat ; kamu dengar tapi kamu tidak meneliti; kamu merasa, tetapi kamu tidak melalui. aku berdiri hari ini dengan apa yang kamu ajar. jangan percayakan sesiapa, tidak ada orang yang betul ikhlas kalau bukan ada niat lain disebaliknya, hanya nafsu yang mengawal akal manusia. kau akan berjalan sendiri dan sentiasa menyendiri, biar selautan orang yang kau kenal, dan dalam setiap titik ada lagi selautan orang yang kau kenali sekalipun, kau tetap akan sendiri. itu fitrahnya. kalau ada pun yang betul ikhlas, nisbahnya, hanya setitik dalam lautan, dan dalam setitik itu ada lagi selautan, ambillan setitik dari lautan itu, maka itulah nisbahnya mereka yang betul-betul ikhlas dengan kamu. begitu sedikit bilangannya. itu yang aku pelajari. itu yang kamu ajar.

don't trust people easily, dont love people easily, because they will by any means use your weaknesses against you. itu manusia sebenarnya. jangan biar cinta mengaburi rasional. jangan biar cinta mengalahkan praktikal. it is not as "agung" as it may seem...

to those who were hurt by me intensionally or not, i lay upon you my apologies: ya, aku nampak dan melihat kerana aku bukan buta, tetapi susah untuk aku percaya. aku diajar untuk tidak mempercayai.

enough said.

stop all the clocks

2005-06-12T06:43:00.000+08:00

alhamdulillah, my dear best friend, NATRAH is 21 years and 2 days old today. eventhough ko takde kat sini, but that doest stop me from remembering your birthday!!!! hahahahahaha..thank you atah, for calling me all the way from russia, to wish me happy birthday, the least i can do is send you that little message, nak call, aku tak mampu!!!! jangan risau, ada rezeki, insyaallah, i'll buy u a belated birthday present for u later...cant wait to see u!!!!

friends are like sands in the river, some are swept away, but some stay..some are like big bulk of rock,some are like tiny grains of sand, bukan semua yang besar cam batu tu stay, dan bukan semua yang kecik cam pasir tu yang diswept away... kecik atau besar,itu bukan ukuran, yang penting is how the hell dia boleh stay kat situ!!!! and setiap mereka,membentuk satu phenomena, no...not really a phenomena, but more of a pattern yang menarik dalam pembentukan sungai yang mengalir jauh.

a good friend of mine yang dah lama tak jumpa mention to me in her message in friendster that she and her roomates loved the peom i poested recently, it wasn't really a poem per se,it's actually a lyric, a very meaningful lyric,what the hell,lyric and poems are the same thing...hehehehehe...hoping that kalau ada komposer lagu yang gempak boleh composekan lagu untuk poem ni, my favourite poem of all time, by W.H.Auden, "Stop all the clocks"...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good

bismillah, ya allah, tiada sesiapa yang boleh ku pinta selain daripada Mu, tiada sesiapa yang boleh ku adu selain daripada Mu, ya allah, leave me not in this situation,leave me not alone wondering, give me strenght, give me ways to forgive you, and more of all, myself...let not my anger take control of me, help in this quest searching, searching for the soul i longed for...searching for the love i longed for. i have all the love from the people i need, it's the love that i should have for myself, and the love from you that i've always longed for, eventhough, yes, my ego take control of me...all the time, but u know, what really is in me...berikan aku kekuatan untuk meneruskan amalan...berikan aku kekuatan untuk terus mencari ilmu...kerana ilmu tanpa amalan itu memang perkara yang sia-sia. amin.

kadangkala

2005-06-06T06:41:00.000+08:00

terkadang kita lupa,bahawa segalanya untuk dia,satu kerjaan itu bukan untuk memikat,bukan untuk nama,bukan untuk kedudukan,bukan untuk wang,bukan untuk diri,bukan untuk ibubapa,orang tersayang,bukan untuk jannah yang dijanjikan,tetapi untuk dia,hanya untuk dia,dan segalanya untuk dia,bunyinya emang mudah, konsepnya emang kononnya enteng,namun bisa tercapaikah oleh lidah,perlakuan,dan yang terutama,hati? Terkadang,kita mandir terlalu jauh,kita alpa,perasaannya kita bahagia hidup begini,walau hakikatnya kita sengsara(kerana ego menghalang diri untuk mengaku bahawa intinya kacau,dan kosong)bila sudah terlalu jauh berlayar, haruslah kita berpaling, dan ingat bahawa dia lebih dekat dari urat yang berselirat dalam badan sendiri..ceritakan padanya,tanyakan kenapa padanya,(harus dengan hati yang telus serta ikhlas,ingat dia bisa mengetahui, kerana itu sifatnya)..moga kita bisa mengerti jawapan yang dicari,kerana dia tidak akan membiarkan kita tergapai..ingat,segalanya hanya untuk dia.

=aku=

kadangkala kita lupa apa tujuan ini,kemana arah tuju, apa yang sudah dicapai...kita hitung perlakuan orang tapi tidak perlakuan sendiri...

kadangkala, lagi cepat melangkah,lagi jauh jarak rasanya, tapi bila dilambatkan langkah itu, terasa tidak mungkin sampai ke destinasinya ...benarlah, amal tanpa ilmu adalah bodoh, tetapi ilmu tanpa amal adalah sia-sia. sia-sia maksudnya bodoh sombong, lebih baik bodoh (sebab boleh diajar), daripada bodoh sombong.

The Blowers Daughter

2005-06-05T05:28:00.000+08:00

"The Blowers Daughter"

And so it is

Just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me

Most of the time

And so it is

The shorter story

No love, no glory

No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes...

And so it is

Just like you said it should be

We'll both forget the breeze

Most of the time

And so it is

The colder water

The blower's daughter

The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes off of you

I can't take my eyes off you

I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to

Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind...

My mind...

my mind...

'Til I find somebody new

21years 6 days old and counting...

2005-06-03T14:39:00.000+08:00

alhamdulillah, I'm 21 years 6 days old today, had a decent celebration with my folks, received few phone calls frompeople who cares about me (i assume)...atiqah bought me pants and halimatun bought me a nice shirt..i love my sisters!!!!

God works his way in mysterios ways, dan benar lah yang tuhan itu maha penyayang, dia tak akan meninggalkan hamba-nya terkontang kanting tanpa bantuan, hanya kepada mereka yang betul berusaha untuk mencarik bantuan itu akan berjumpa jua akhirnya. benarlah,Dia maha adil. i read a book written by imam ghazali during the holiday, and i was very impressed with his level or dareness and understanding, knowing how to differentiate the goods and the bads (even if that is in his pointof view, which may not be the definite answer, but still jawapan yang memuaskan, untuk dia dan mereka yang bersetuju dengan dia.), looking at his determination and his daring, aku fikir yang aku takkan boleh pergi ke tahap dia, he not only learn about the subjects, but he also mastered the knowledge to the extend he can identify the flaws of that particular subject. sebab itu dia tulis banyak kitab, baik ilmu fiqh, filosofi (walaupun dia berbeza pendapat dengan Farabi), tasawwuf dan juga sufi.

one of the things yang aku pick up mase cuti is, jangan prejudice, memang susah untuk buang perasaan itu, tapi its better for us not to judge, kita kena ingat,walau dalam buruk sekalipun, ada baiknya,baik in sense of, kalau dia fikir why is it bad? what harm does it cause me? what benifits does it gives me? berat harm ke berat benifits? and at that point kita kana ingat,kalau kita betul sayang diri sendiri, u sould know where and when to stop. satu lagi, kena ingat, the thought of Him giving us the chance to think itu sendiri sudah seribu rahmat dah...its a proof yang Dia memang sayang kat kita. dan kalau betul kita nak berfikir, you'll tend to find the answer, and when u can digest the answer, u know what to do, itwill give u THE determination we oft bitch about ("ntah lah, kekuatan tu takderlah.."i,e).that is what some people call "Hidayah". kita makin hari makin berumur, tak guna kalau umur bertambah,tapi kita masih jahil, everything must suit a purpose. kalau takda purpose,susah tu,kena pikir sendiri baik buruk.

watch a very good play during the holiday, written and directed by khalid saleh, benda sulit, the sound of the title it self dah vulgar gile,but it was agood show, among the things that caught my ears was, "ada itu tidak semestinya zahir pada mata, boleh di ukur jisimnya, boleh ditimbang jirimnya, boleh diterangkan sifatnya; sebab ada perkara yang tidak mampu dijangkau oleh akal,jadi selagi ia boleh diterangkan, ia masih dalam lingkungan jangkauan akal manusia.""bila ada soalan tapi takda jawapan tu yang tension, biarlah kalau jawab sendiri jawab sendiri,kurang-kurang ada jugak jawabnya,kalau yang sendiri tanya,sendiri pun tak boleh nak jawab, haaa, tu yang tension."...

alhamdulillah, kakak bertunang hari ahad (yeay!!!) good for her, and she's lucky to have someone who really loves her, insyallah...and alhamdulillah, tuhan tak pernah tinggalkan aku terkontang kanting, cuma aku yang kadang -kadang buat-buat tak nampak Dia. sanagat bersyukur sebab dapat hidup lagi( kalau yang ni tak 1st on the list tak tau la...) and sangat bersyukur sebab dapat kawan yang pelbagai...yeay!!!

to my dear aizmin, happy belated birthday darling, you are one heck of a friend. tons of hearts, hugs and kisses. (dont forget the love bites!!!) hopefully u had a superb celebration and go through many great things in the future.

alhamdulillah...enough said.

friends..

2005-05-04T05:14:00.000+08:00

kita hidup sentiasa berteman, dalam keadaan susah, senang, ketawa, menangis, sihat, sakit, kita sentiasa berteman, He would always be there with us and for us, and He, knowing the fact that we can never live alone, send us people who would actually be there in front of our eyes, people who would lend us their ears, shoulder, words of comfort, money, car, et cetera et cetera et cetera... even if teman itu tak berada depan mata kita,kita tahu kewujudan entitinya sebagai teman, as a reflection of kewujudan-Nya as a entity, far from vision, but nearer than our own juglar veins. Alhamdulillah...aku berjumpa dengan orang yang bukan sahaja selalu berada disisi, tetapi juga banyak mengajar.

Atah, before knowing you,i didn't believe in soulmates, best friends..yes, but not soulmates,tuhan tu maha adil,the person that i used to dislike is actually the soulmate that i actually did not believe in.kadang-kadang, aku tergelak seorang bila ingat balik,how much i dislike u mase mula aku kenal ko, and i actually dont really know why i dislike u..and i know,that u used to feel the same way..and the weird part is,for no particular reason, we became good friends, when we were in form 4,and from there we took the steps to where we are today..aku teringat masa sam cerita dekat aku," ko ngan atah kan mmg otak sama, bila aku tanya soalan both of not only give me the same answer, but u are actually using the same words!!!" you are always there, eventhough u are literally thousands of miles away from me,i dont really have to tell you everything, cause usually, you'll understand what i'm feeling inside. you are not only my soulmate, but also my guardian angle..

sam,we hit off the moment we meet, you are always there, kau tahan dengan perangai aku,mulut aku, kemalasan aku,kedegilan aku,and most of all, kesundalan aku..hehehehehe...kau jaga aku macam adik ko sendiri,i like the way u stop me from doing "naughty" stuff, i like the way u say," aiman...behave" everytime aku nak menyundal.hahahahaha...

kakak,she's like the big sister i never had, she's the person i can really talk to,tempat nak manja,tempat nak menangis,and she is the person who teaches me who to handle a girl when she's crying,hehehehe...kakak ajar macam mana nak terima kritikan orang,sebab kalau tak bersedia in terms of mental and emotion, memang boleh mengamuk sebelum bunuh diri lepas dengar dia cakap.kakak ajar macam mana nak terima kesalahan diri.sebab tu kalau tak nak sakit hati,jangan mintak nasihat, pendapat, better still,dont talk to her at all!!! hahahahaha

syuhada, stuborn budding bitch!!! hehehehe..subhanallah, degilnya nauzubillah, mulut boleh tahan jahanam, tapi i know hati dia baik, she's turning into a bitch day by day,and she's putting all the blames on me. eventhough we are not soulmates,but we understand each other very well. after knowing each other over the years,and after a few fights,we understand each other very well.. she's like my own little sister, there's nothing that she would hide from me,even if she's doing a good job hidding it from others ,it can never be good enough to hide it from me..kan?

adam,psysically kental and emotionless,tetapi... he is like the little brother i never had, rebelious, and very defensive. walaupun mungkin jahat luarannya,tapi dalamnya baik.dia sangat pandai amik hati orang,and for god knows what ever reason,he is scared of me. hahahahaha..wat ever he do,i would be the first person to know,syuhada selalu marah " awak jangan backing dia sangat boleh tak? dia bukan budak kecik lagi tau!! dia dah besar, he should know how to take care of himself,and he should take responsibility on what he did!!" "awak jangan manja kan dia sangat boleh tak?!! banyak lemak dia nanti." "awakkan, kalau saya marah kat adam, nanti mesti saya kena marah balik,kalau saya buat salah, mesti kena marah,kalau adam semua takpa, manjakanlah adik awak tu banyak- banyak.." it is not that hard to understand him..once u can understand him,you'll definitely love him..that's why he will always be as syuhada said that "budak kecik" in my life.

fieza,tarikh sebenar kenal dia,tak ingat,but what i remember is that the 1st time kenal dia was in the second class of the second day of the second week i entered MMU, class econs. semuanya berpunca dari jam swatch dia yang psycho,macam tuan dia!!! she's the BEST..she's always there for me,we are there for each other always, we practically laugh together,cry together,kalau salah sorang menangis,the other one akan menangis sekali,because we know and we understand what the other is going through. why...? because we've been there,done that,and still finding our way getting over it. the picture we paint maybe colourful,but it ain't pretty.

khair, ada satu ungkapan dulu,mana ada aiman,situ ada khair,mana ada khair,situ ada aiman, mana ada aiman dan khair, situ ada fieza.she was my very taat secratary masa alpha,she'sactually more of my P.A than my secratary..hehehehehe...kalau nak g kl hantar kakak pukul 3pagi sekalipun, she would be there with me. her ignorant amuses me. we use to sit and talk for hours, quarelling over stupid matters, and we rearly agree on the same thing, but still wherever i go, she would always be there.i can never run away from her.she can be very stuborn and posessive.but things changed,people change.

abu, antara manusia yang egonya amuses me to no end.luarannya shallow, very defensive,orang yang tak kenal dia would say, expect the unexpected from him. a very subtle person with his own agenda and issues..once u get a glimpse of who he really is, you can't help but just to love him.

kaduk,a great friend, not good, but great. very protective over his friends, he would go through hell with you if u want him to. knowledgeble about computers and automobiles, not to mention latest technology. he stands frimly on what he believes in, and would always be at the back of people that he loves. open yet not to open. conservative yet not to conservative.

mali is the living example of "a friend in need is a friend indeed." selagi ada daya,dia akan membantu sehingga terkadang dia lupa tentang dirinya sendiri. the love he has for the people he loves can't be measured. hanya tuhan yang boleh balas jasa dia pada aku.

gem..he may look arogant, but he's actually very down to earth, an observer..a very attentive observer..dia suka bertanya, hingga, kadang-kadang aku takut dia pergi terlalu jauh, because sometimes, its not about the questions, its about understanding the questions, and the answers.. its not about the decision, the desicion has been made, its understanding the desicion, that is more important. he can be one hell of a bitch, whenever we are together, other people would actually run looking for sanctuary, cause once we start bitching, we can go all the way..in fact, there's this friend of ours came down to melaka just to let us "bang" him..hehehehe

nuar and me have thing very subtle and often invicible connection, often when we hang out together, we wont really say much, but we enjoy each others company, i remember this one time, we were hanging out together in his room, we sat there silent saying nothing to each other, when we suddenly looked at each other and started laughing for no particular reason. and there'sthis one time, he told me how much i mean to him, and that really gave me a big impact.

shrek, he was born with only funny bones, no normal bones in his body.hahahahahaha...once this bastard starts to laugh, everyone around him would start laughing, even if they dont know what the is he laughing at, and once he starts laughing,he can never stop. he makes me laugh even when i'm really down, and he always cheer me up with his often stupid jokes.

once andy starts talking, it would be very difficult for him to stop, yes...thisguy can go on yip-yapping not for hours, but for days..and he keeps on yapping about the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again and over again!! he gets excited easily over sometimes for me petty stuff, and yes, most of the time i would be the victim of his yip yapping...he is THE vain guru. lord knows how VAIN he can be.

kush, you should know how much respect i have towards you, only because u are knowledgeble, but also a very patient man. i envy you for being such a superb writer, actor, performer, not to mention your results, kalau tak gempak, memang tak sah. u excel in everything u do, u have the patient in everything. u live up to the expectation people have towards you,and just you know, i would still love and respect you even if u fail to live up to that expectation u put on yourself.

ain has the ability to manipulate most of my housemate minds with her often psycho and freakish attitude...she's my pertner in mengumpat, dont get me wrong, we are not some lame stupid pengumpat, we are profesionals..kan? hahahahahaha...kalau tak jumpa dia sehari, terjuih-jiuh mulut nie barat menanggung beban nak mengumpat..she is the other half of kaduk and at the same time my full time secratary,sangat taat tapi sangat sundal!! hahahahaha...wurve u..

zahirah..love her like a sister, tapi sayangnya dia tak berani to stand on her own..she need people that matters to her around her all the time to support her decisions, she doesnt know how to stand on her own two feet, and that really drag her into the mess she in today,i can just pray that one day, she would be strong enough to stand up not for the people that she loves, but for herself...

yasseer adalah bahan kutukan aku dan atah, ada je benda yang tak kena kalau aku ngan atah ada..hehehehe...we really are a pain in his ass, tapi he knows that the love we have for him meets no end...

there are many more names for me to mention, but sufice enough for me to realise that among the ways of Him to show us how much He loves us is through our friends, terlalu banyak nama, terlalu ramai orang kalau nak dicatitkan disini,contohnya sara,lina,deana, ajis, deen,et cetera, but it would come to no end...sebab there are actually no words to describe how much they mean to me...and even if they cant be there for me psysically or mentally, i cant be mad..because i learned, that there comes a point in life that u have to walk alone, with no friends to acompany you,but remember,He will always be there..He maybe far from your visions, but closer to you than your juglar veins...enough said.

yeay..its may!!!

2005-05-04T03:30:00.000+08:00

alhamdulillah...it's MAY again...my favourite month of the year!!! here are the reasons why i love the month of MAY:

1. my sister was born on the 1st of may..(HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY HALIMATUN!!!!) since the day she was born, she manage to make my life even more "huru-hara"!!!!

2. on 3rd of may,it's my very dear friend's birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GERM!!!!! alhamdulillah...that is the only thing that i can say if people ask how do i feel having u as a friend...

3. on 9th, it's rozlin's birthday.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALIN!!!! a very good friend of mine from school..mana lah ko sekarang ek alin? opie adalah aku jumpa..hehehehe...

4. and on the 10th, 1984, sam was born, and 16 years later, we became BEST FRIENDS...HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM!!!! u are always there, through thick or thin, happy and sad, healthy and sick, up and down...u are my guardian, tukang bebel, tukang control aku, tempat aku nak lepas geram. u mean the world to me. thank you for everything.

5. ain was born on teacher's day..16th may, she took over khair's place, when she moved to cyber. she's like my ONLY secratary, dari kat rumah, sampai ke club, dia jugaklah setiausaha aku yang paling taat!!hahahahahaha...HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIN!!!! u really bring chaos not only in kaduk's life, but also, the rest of the housemates!!!! damn u woman!!!! hahahahaha...sayang dia muah-muah,besyar-besyar, ayama,meshrem, brit-brit, nyee-nyee...wurve u..

6. khairiyah's birthday is on the 18th, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KHAIR!!!!! she was my secratary masa alpha, that is before she moved to cyber..hahahaha..everywhere we go, mesti me,khair and fieza..those were the good old days...now, m the only one left in melaka, hmm...sekarang semua berubah..time and distant change everything...everything.

7. on 28th of may 1984, lahirlah dua orang manusia yang sangat best di semesta alam... sorang comel lagi best, ditambah pula dengan ke"bitch"an tahap dewa legand (obviously that would be me) dan sorang lagi macho lagi bergaya (and that would be u ahjie!!) HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME AND AH JIE!!!!! cukup 21 tahun genap hidup, berjalan,bernafas atas muka bumi.. alhamdulillah... tak ada apa yang nak di"ungreatful"kan, Allah itu maha adil, Dia meletakkan semua kena pada tempatnya... it's up to us to either accept it or not.

8. if i'm not mistaken, on the 30th ni birthday e'en kan? hahahahahahahaha...HAPPY BIRTHDAY EN!!!! u are one hell of a friend!!! dia pun pindah cyber gak..tinggal la aku seorang diri di melaka nie...hehehehehe...

thoughts to ponder...

2005-04-22T21:22:00.000+08:00

I ve been living like this for almost a week, a friend told me a few times,:"ko jangan man,jangan nanti lepas cuti ko lak nanti jadi t****." was so sweet of him to worry about me, but the thing is,i still have a lot of unaswered questions lingering in my brain. need time alone with myself, needed it to try to solve those questions....fast.

well, eventhough i still have problem with those questions, i still manage to learn a few very significant facts:
1. tuhan.. there's no words to descibe him...
2. manusia memang dijadikan berbeda-beda. the way we question things and the way we implemant the answers are very different, but the same.
3.dalam proses memahami itu, we tend to be more sensitive to our surroundings, it is as if you could sense the different vibration in the air surrounds you. and when you tend to be more sensitive, u are one step closer to understanding the answers you might get some day.
4. maklumat bukan ilmu,ilmu bukan bijaksana, bijaksana bukan kebenaran, dan kebenaran bukanlah perkara terbaik pun...
5.how sex is the only drive to disaster.

manusia itu suka berpura pura,kita berpura di depan semua orang, ibu,ayah,kakak, abang, adik,kawan, cikgu,orang asing,malah depan diri sendiri dan tuhan. kita susah untuk jujur dengan diri sendiri, why..? kita cuba untuk men"delete"kan memory yang buruk, kits cuba untuk me"re-write"kan memory yang kita ada. but little that we know, that our actions was totally in vain, sebabnya,cubaan untuk delete and re-write itu, menyebabkan memory tu semua masuk ke subconciuos mind, which is the actually drive of what we are today.

dont talk to much, cukup dengan kulitnya sahaja...padah juka bercakap terlalu banyak... boleh lari semuanya... full stop.

she sat and sang..

2005-04-16T12:53:00.000+08:00

SHE sat and sang always
By the green margin of a stream,
Watching the fishes leap and play
Beneath the glad sunbeam.

I sat and wept alway
Beneath the moon's most shadowy beam,
Watching the blossoms of the May
Weep leaves into the stream.

I wept for memory;
She sang for hope that is so fair:
My tears were swallowed by the sea;
Her songs died in the air.

wondering note.

2005-04-13T23:49:00.000+08:00

Time can say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.
If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time can say nothing but I told you so.
There are no fortunes to be told, although
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you, I would let you know.
The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time can say nothing but I told you so.
Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.
Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away?
Time can say nothing but I told you so.
If I could tell you, I would let you know.
W.H.Auden

we human tend to build up a very strong defensive wall around us, it is hard for people around us to penetrate. we feel very secure behind this wall, secure and safe from the bad, cold and often cruel reality. more often than not,we tend to live in denial. we only see things that we want to see, we only hear things that we want to hear. we leave all the other "bad stuff" out side of the wall,so that we can go on this world another day without having to face all those ugly things that would spoil the "beauty" of living, yet, we still fuss about the point of living. we complain about this and that. never ever feel satisfied in anyway. pernah tak terfikir, that perhaps, those ugly things we left outside the wall is actually the key to actually see the beauty of living? Denial: friend ....or foe?

time can say nothing but i told u so, perhaps, time did try to show us the things that we are supose to see, but we chose not to, and sebab kedegilan kita, in the end,the only thing that time can say to us is, " i told u so." manusia tak pernah bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. kita selalu membandingkan apa yang kita ada dengan apa yang orang ada, we can'tjust simplylive with the fact that other people have somethingmore than us,be it interms of welth, popularity, looks, breast size, penis size, even in terms of problems, kita akan membanding, "ah,apa sangat dengan masalah dia tu, tengok aku nie,ada masalah macam ni pun boleh rileks lagi!" manusia tidak pernah bersyukur dengan apa yang mereka ada.

"tanya pada diri,mana letak budi,tanya pada akal,apa yang dibekal,tanya pada hati,sudahkah berisi, ingat pada janji, jangan dimungkiri...bumi,yang dipijak bak hamparan luas terbentang; langit, dijunjungi,melindungi awan tak bertepi."

second cry for help...

2005-04-11T18:22:00.000+08:00

day: monday
date: 11th april 2005
time: 6.31pm
mood: unstable

it has been two days since i last wrote my last blog, and apparently, my mood swing is seeing no progress of slowing down.. i think that mood swing is affecting everyone else around me,which made me feel even worse. kush was obviously in a very bad mood swing yesterday, so was fieza..pity her... we chatted a while, hopefully i made her feel better... to certain someone, be more sensitive to changes in fieza will u, u've dissapoint me, it's ok... but if u ever fail fieza, in any way, you'll be aswering to me... personally. jangan terlalu pentingkan diri sendiri. that was not a threat, just a firm advise.

ata lepak kat rumah semalam,and he showed me this very cool website, www.deviantart.com it's soooooooooo bloody cool, there's like literaly millions of artworks, sumpah best gile..thank u ata!!!!!!

kush, fieza... if u need someone to talk to,u know where to find me,u guys done too much for me, the least i can do is to ease ur pain a bit...

yes..and to hazzy-wazzy-hunny-bunny, happy belated birthday!!!!!

first cry for help...

2005-04-09T18:32:00.000+08:00

was surfing through the net, (just got back from my theatre exam) an i dea struck my head, why dont i create my own blog??!! eventhough i dont really tell people a lot what's on my mind, but hey, at least i can just post it up,tak kisahlah kalau ada orang nak baca ke tak, at least i have a new way of expressing what's on my mind!!!

thanks to my dearest, fieza. she gave me the idea of writting my own blog. happy belated birthday dear.. i called her up on her birthday eve, i felt so lost and alone, really need to hear a familiar voice. sorry dear, if i spoiled ur mood..

" I think I woke up at the wrong sode of the bed..for no perticular reason, (that I can think of) I feel so bloody down. There’s like this very heavy thing on my chest,and i can hardy breath, the pain is slowly spreading into my blood veins, like a very venemous poison, slowly,slowly,slowly...my whole body feels numb. At this point, I started hating any form of light, I just wanted to be in the dark, the slightest stray of light can just send me straight to hell… I jut want to be in the dark. Absolute darkness, empty, alone, silent.

The pain is getting to my feet, I cant feel it anymore, let alone to even move it, the wieght in my chest is getting heavier, my brains is so mess up, cant think clearly anymore, voices spaking in my head, all at the same time. Even though the room is in total silence, but the voices in my head made it seems like a whole crowd of people trying to talk to me t the same time. I don’t want to listen to any of them. Why cant they just leave me alone, I just want to be alone, please leave me alone. I dont want to listen to your voices, I want to hear those voices that I’ve miss, the voices that I’ve been missing for a very long time…

Its coming to my shoulders and neck, feels numb in my arms, at this point, I cant help but to thnk, why do we have to grow up? Why can’t we just stay as children all the time.not that I had a very great childhood, but at least the people that I love was there. It wasn’t really a very lovely picture, but still it was the best of time. "

wrote that b4 i called fieza up..

went to my dear 'awak's house after that, brought along sepet's vcd, watch it with her while the both of us golek-golek on the floor, called fieza up again at half past 12 to wish her happy birthday..

" zhu ni shen ri kuai le,

zhu ni shen ri kuai le,

zhu ni shen ti kuai le."

sang her happy birthday in mandarin..hehehehe...she loved it. we watch sepet to the very end, loved that movie...sweet, nice and simple.. just before i left, 'awak' came out from her room and say,

"nah,"

i asked, "huh? nak buat ape?"

"suka tak?"

"suka,comel je"

"saya punya, amik lah, jangan lah buat muka monyok je, tak comel la"

"takder lah,mana ade monyok."

"simpan lek-lok tau,kalau sepah-sepah nanti saya amik balik!!"

"yelah, orang letak kat meja pc nanti, tak sepah."

"nanti golek-golek ngan dia k?"

she gave me the baby from "The Incredibles" doll...cheered me up a little bit.

hmm....i guess, i have notthing else to write..

thanks to those who has always been giving me undivided love: atah, fieza, syuhada, khair, sam, kush, mali, andy, yasseer, kaduk, ain...and the list goes on...